Green Monster | Big Irish Jay Hollingsworth | Full Stand Up Special

About 15 years ago or so, I used to run this god-awful comedy show down at Downtown Crossing. And they used to have what they called a Rookie of the Month, and we'd bring up a new comic. And this guy actually fell into that category one time. And I remember when I was bringing him up, I go, this guy is scared ---- over there right now. And I'll tell you, I don't think it's changed one bit tonight. Let's do this. Let's bring up my boy, Big Irish Jay Hollingsworth. What's up, guys? Holy ----. My buddy, Scotty Lombardo. Let him hear it. I love Scotty. I was like, hey, I'm going to film this special. Would you come up and bring me up? He's like, sure, I'll put on my best t-shirt. Great. I'm going to grab a collar. Jesus Christ. I love Scotty. Before I start, I should apologize to you guys. I didn't necessarily do anything, but I am a straight white male, and I kind of feel like everything's been our fault for the last few years. Which sucks, because I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood. I went to all-black school, all-black church, blah, blah, blah, whatever white people say before they say something about black people. And I don't know what I can or can't say anymore just as a straight, cis, white male. I got in trouble recently for using the letter S. Just using the letter S. My buddy, Jamal, he's getting ready to move from Seattle to L.A., and if you can tell by the name Jamal, he's not ******* white, right? So I lived all over L.A., so he's asking me about the areas. He's like, Jay, you lived around. He goes, what are the people like in Glendale? I was like, well, you got everybody, but mainly Armenians. Nothing wrong with that, right, sir? Thanks, fellow white. He's like, all right, well, what are the people like in West Hollywood? I was like, again, you got everybody, but mainly gays, right? He's like, oh, well, where do you live? I was like, oh, I lived in Hawthorne in England. He goes, what are the people like there? I was like, ah, it's mainly blacks. And he was like, whoa. I go, dude, you can't say blacks. And I'm like, I ******* pluralized every other group and just ******* threw an S on black. I'm like, what's wrong with saying blacks? He's like, I don't know, just as a white guy, you probably shouldn't say it. Then like a dummy, I tried to argue with him. I was like, dude, if across the street, there's a group of black guys, I'm like, hey, look, there's some blacks. It does sound bad. It sounds ******* awful. It sounds horrible. But nobody can tell me why, you know, like the only other group that sounds weird when you pluralize it is whites. Like you'd be like, hey, look, there's a bunch of ******* whites. But nobody really says that, right? Unless it's a bunch of blacks, right? All right. I'm so good. All right. Jesus Christ. Just try not to get canceled. Yeah, that's my whole existence now. Just don't get canceled. I got in an argument with my friend, Annie, who's a feminist, which I know she's a feminist, because she posted every ******* day on social media. It's like, we get it. But I asked her, I was like, Annie, when you say you're feminist, what does that mean? She goes, well, Jay, that just means as women, we want to be treated as equals. I was like, I'm with you. 100% got your back. I was like, anything else? She goes, well, no, I mean, other than that, you know, we just want to be treated with the same respect. You know, that men show each other. I was like, what? Hold on, time out. Guys are pieces of ---- to each other. Like, I don't know if the ladies know this, but every guy in here has a nickname that came about from like some physical defect he has. Or like the thing he's most self-conscious of. Like my nickname growing up was Melon. I was a fat kid. Now I'm a fat adult. My, uh, my buddy Kane started losing his hair in eighth grade. So we just started calling him Baldilocks, right? Yeah, **** him. Uh, you don't know. My buddy Johnny always been skinny. He's still skinny to this day. And honestly, he's in the best shape of anybody in our group, but we don't call him like fit Johnny or in shape Johnny. We call him AIDS. ------- Johnny AIDS. We're like, what's up AIDS? You losing weight? You're looking good. Guys are scumbags. That's why I was trying to explain to Annie. I was like, if my best friend Kane, all of a sudden tomorrow walk through the door and somehow he was a full-on woman. I don't know how he had allergic reaction to some, but he's a full-on woman. But he's also my best friend Kane that I've known for 20 years. I wouldn't go, Hey Kane, now that you're a woman, I just want you to know, uh, we respect you. We value your opinion. We will not object. No, I'd be like this. I'd be like, guys, guys, does Kane have tits? Kane, do you have everything? Dude, Kane's got a vagina. Dude, let us **** it. Come on. Don't be gay. Let us **** it. Come on. I'll pull out. I'll ******* pull out. Relax. And guys are competitive. Kane, 20 bucks says one of us makes you squirt. 20 bucks right now. I got 20 on Johnny. Johnny, go make Kane squirt. Don't give him AIDS. Let's go. Oh yeah. I started comedy in Boston. Uh, and then I moved to LA cause they always talk about, you move to LA, you hope for your big Hollywood break. Right. I think I got mine as soon as I moved out there. I got an email from my manager on a Thursday at midnight. All it said was, Hey, call me immediately. Urgent. Doesn't matter how late. So I call him, I go, what's up? He goes, Hey, I'm submitting you for a role on the TV show. Two broke girls. So I was like, great. Yeah. And he goes, we're going to submit you as a love interest. I'm like even better. I go, is it for Kat Denning or is it for the blonde girl? He goes, no, it'd be for Patrick. I go, did you say Patricia? He goes, no, it's definitely a dude. Definitely Patrick. I was like, Oh boy. All right. Uh, I go, well, that's fine. Go ahead. Submit me for Patrick's love interest. So he goes, hold on. I got to ask you one other thing. I go, all right, what's that? He goes, how do you feel about kissing a man on national TV? I told him, I go, this is how all the Hollywood stories start. Oh, he starts with, Hey, how do you feel about kissing the guy? And then next is, Hey, how do you feel about kissing this dick? And then it just ******* escalates from there, you know? But again, most of the stuff you go out for, you don't get. So I was like, you know what? I'm probably not going to get it anyways. Go ahead. Submit me for Patrick's love interest. The next day I get an email, call me immediately. They want you to come in. And I was like, ****, I hope that doesn't mean Patrick. Right? So I call him, I call him, I go, what's up? He goes, you got it. You got the role. They want you on set right now. So I was like, all right, text me the address. So now I'm driving to the set of two broke girls and I'm trying to wrap my head around. Like I'm about to make out with a I've never kissed a guy sober, you know? And here's the thing, like I'm not gay, but I'm still a guy. So I'm like competitive. So the whole way there, I'm just going, all right, I'm not going to be the one they say was the bad kisser. So I just start putting chapstick on and popping tic-tacs like an asshole. You know, then as I'm driving there, I don't know where this came from, but I just started praying going, please God, let this guy that I have to kiss, please let him be like a really effeminate gay dude. I don't know why, like I wanted that. Like, oh, I hope he has blue eyes and we have a lot in common. Like I'm on a ******* blind date, you know? But I finally, I finally get to the set and they go, this is Patrick. And it's like looking in a ******* mirror. This dude is 6'5", 340 pounds, bald, huge beard, all tatted up. Like he looks like an axe murderer, right? And he's straight too. He was straight too. So I go, I go, are you the dude I'm making out with? And he just goes, yep. ------- easy, buddy. Jesus. Take it down a notch. And then he says to me, he goes, Hey, before we start, I should let you know, I'm really sorry. I wasn't thinking. I've been drinking coffee all morning. I go, dude, you do realize like I'm not looking for sparks from this. Like I'm really just trying to ******* get through this. Right? So, so now we're about to film the scene. And here's the thing is like, I'm a comic. I'm not an actor. So in my head, I'm just like, well, what's a TV kiss? What does that mean? You know? Like, is it just that your lips touch or is it that your mouth is open and open? I have no ******* idea. As I'm going through the scenarios, all of a sudden out of my ear, I just hear action. And this ******* mutant just grabs me and I just go, and now he's ******* just right here. He's right here taking up real estate, right? It's the first time I ever felt whiskers on my lips, other than my own really ******* uncomfortable guys, but also tickle a little bit at first. And what's happening in the scene is me and Patrick are like in the middle of this embrace. And then the blonde girl from two broke girls, she walks in and then we stop and then they have dialogue. Right? So like the first two takes is they're talking. I'm just kind of like watching them talk. I don't really know what I'm doing. So by the third take in my head, I'm like, okay, I'm on a major TV show now. I guess I'm an actor. I should act. So I was like, so what would I do? Like, if I was gay and this was like my boyfriend. So the third take is Patrick's talking. I just, like, I just start rubbing his belly. I think I'd do that if I was gay. Fuck, I don't know. I'm an affectionate guy, you know? The fourth take, I don't know where this came from. I just started doing circles around his nipple for some ******* reason. And then the director goes, cut. And Patrick goes, dude, what the **** are you doing to my nipple, man? That's not in the script. I was like, I don't know, man. I'm trying to act. I'm acting. I'm a method actor. Let me suck your dick. Like, help me. ------- help me, man. Fuck. But the whole cast and crew, unbelievably nice. So nice. They make you feel like you're the star of the show, even if you're just making out with a bear. And it's a big thing. It's a weird thing to be your big Hollywood break. But if you want to see the episode we filmed this for, it's the series finale. You got to go like 10 minutes into the episode and then just look for the part that doesn't ******* exist. They cut my goddamn scene. ------- made out with a dude for nothing. I started thinking about it afterwards. I was like, it sucks they cut that scene. But if I was to take one positive from the whole experience, like honestly, that was like the smoothest first kiss I've ever had with anybody ever. Like Patrick took control. We knew. I started thinking about it afterwards. I was like, maybe that's what gay is. Maybe it's not so much a sexual thing. Maybe it's just so much easier with someone that's like you, you know? Like if those are my two options, option one over here, I have some frumpy guy named Bob that's hairy and he sweats for no reason, but he likes the red socks in video games. Or over here, I have a hot 21 year old blonde chick with huge tits and a nice ass, but she talks. I don't know, Bob, you got some there? Let's ******* make it work. How fat do you have to be to sweat from talking? Jesus Christ. What a pig. ------- lights are on rotisserie. I also got, I got a role in a horror movie. I don't even know what happened to this. I don't know if this went straight to DVD or straight to the trash, but I got a role in a horror movie playing a demon statue in hell that comes to life and I swing an axe at a girl's head. Another big break, right? So I go in for this makeup test. Three hours I'm sitting in this chair. They put the statue makeup on my face and the director and the producer, they look at me and they kind of whisper. And then the director goes, hey, so we were talking and we're thinking in the movie, we may have you go shirtless. I told the guy, I was like, shirtless? I was like, dude, like, I don't even **** shirtless. ------- yuck. Oh, yikes. Kill my own boner if I go shirtless, you know? Like that's the last thing a girl would ever want to see is just me on top of her huffing and puffing and sweating and my tits in between her ******* weird Newton's cradle, you know? I told the guy, I was like, this will definitely be a horror movie if you have me go shirtless. ------- terrifying, you know? And don't get me wrong, like I do want to lose weight, but I'm kind of afraid to because like, I don't think I'm the best looking guy in the world, but I'd say like right now on a scale of one to 10, I'm like a fat eight, you know? Fat nine if I'm hanging out with other fats, you know? I think that's a plural, fats, yeah. And here's the thing, like when you lose weight, you don't know what the end result's going to be until you get there. Like I can lose weight and just end up being like a thin five, you know? Some people look better big. You guys remember Al Sharpton? Have you seen him recently? Jesus Christ. Guy used to be like a fat six, maybe. Then he lost weight. Now he's like a thin two. Dude, he's like a newborn. He can't even lift his head up. And here's the thing, like the women I date right now, I date way out of my league. I date women that have no business dating, but I'm doing it as a fat eight, you know? And if I lose weight, I don't know if I'll still be able to date those same hot women, you know? Then I may have to date a fat eight and ******* yuck, right? Gross. Who wants to do that? I told my buddy I want to lose weight. He goes, ah Jay, you want to lose weight? You should come with me. We'll go rock climbing. I'm like, dude, I have enough trouble climbing stairs. You want me to climb boulders with you? But he's into all this weird ----. Like he rock climbs, he bungee jumps, he swims with sharks. I told him, I was like, you do realize like it's only us white people that does this weird ----. Like you'll never hear a black dude to be like, hey, you guys want to go ghost hunting? I told him, I think I figured it out. I told him apparently as white people, I guess we just, we don't have enough fear in our day-to-day lives that we have to go to death and have a dick measuring contest. I told him, I was like, ask a black dude, be like, hey, you want to go bungee jumping? He'll be like, nah, I think I'll just try and walk to the store, not get shot, you know? Maybe say hi to a cop. I'm a real adrenaline junkie, you know? Gotta do something though. Like I have no idea how I ever get laid. Like I hooked up with this one girl recently. It was our first time having sex. It'll definitely be our last. Well, cause it was just weird. Like it was just like, usually when you're having sex with somebody, there's like a, there's like a sound to it, you know? There's like a rhythm, you know? Like, oh, oh, your dick's so big, you know? Shit like that, right? Okay. Just me. Jesus Christ. Is there no black guys here? What the ****? You get it, right? Yeah. What black guys like? Yeah, I don't know about these little dick fucks. I got you. He's like, I get that all the time. Yeah. I don't know what they're talking. What the **** is so random? I guess it's a light shows the little dick show. I don't judge. I respect your pronouns. Uh, no. So I was, no, I was having sex with this girl and the sound she was making, it was so weird. Like it was just, it was just constant. Like we're in the middle of sex and she's just going, I'm like, are the ******* Germans bombing her? Is there a tornado? Did your vagina fall off a cliff? What is happening? I'm like, do we finish ******* or we find in shelter? What are we doing here? You know? Plus, how do you get a read off of that? Like, what does that even mean? You know, like slower, faster. You don't want me on top. I get it. Here's the other thing. Like I live in Vegas now, which I love Vegas, but it's tough to lose weight when you live in Vegas. Cause we have amazing restaurants there. We have world-renowned chefs that come there. Then we have access to the most ridiculous food items there. If you ever go to Vegas, they have these at the airport. They have them in all the casinos. Have you guys seen the cake vending machines? I think that person just had an orgasm. Jesus Christ. What? Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to give you a little PSA. Uh, first of all, if you ever see it, get the cake, the cake is so moist. And so was I, when I was eating it, Holy ----. And it's like, it's like a giant seven layer piece of cake. They got all kinds of flavors. They got chocolate, vanilla, rainbow. I get rainbow cause I'm an ally. All right. Such a dumb joke. But here's my little PSA for you. Uh, if you're a fellow fat like me, uh, get the cake, but have your thin friend buy you the cake. And I'll explain why first know that it's a giant seven foot red cake vending machine. And it would be cool if you put your card in, you're like, Oh, I'll get that piece of cake. And the cake came out and then you just went about your day, but that's not what happens. You put your card in. As soon as you select your piece of cake, ******* bells and whistles and lights go off. And then a song starts blaring through speakers. It's like, Hey, everybody, look at that. Someone's getting cake and they're really fat or whatever the ******* song is, but it's in the middle of a casino. So when that ---- goes off the whole casino stops, cause they think somebody just won a jackpot and everybody starts going, Oh, who just won. And you're just sitting there with your cake, like just doing fat ---- over here. Like, I don't know if you non-fats know this, but us fats don't like non-fats seeing us do fat ----. Like I'm not trying to attract attention that I'm a fat piece of ----. You know, we like to do it in the shadows, like little fat ninjas, you know, like whoever made that machine is a fat shaming asshole. Like it shouldn't be you select your cake and all the bells and whistles. What should happen is you select your piece of cake and a black tent comes down around you. And there's a little stool and a towel for the frosting in your tears. This is, this is how to shape I am. I went back to, I came back here to Boston for a buddy of mine's wedding and at the airport, I got called a guest of size. I didn't know what it meant. I was like, what's that? Extra pretzels? Awesome. For those that don't know, if somebody says you're a guest of size at the airport, it means you're too fat to fit in one seat. Thanks for laughing. Jesus Christ. I should work a suicide hotline. Tony Robbins. You got to buy another seat, which is fine. I get it. I'm a big dude. I'm 6'8". I weigh right around two much or three much or close. Do you almost spit your drink out? So close. All right. You just see it on the camera. Just like, yeah, no. And to be honest with you, like if I take up more space, I think I should pay more. I'm totally fine with that. The only thing that bothers me though, is it's not fair. Cause like, it doesn't work the other way. Like you're not going to tell a short dude, hey little buddy, you're going to save 50 bucks. Cause we're going to ******* throw you in the overhead. It doesn't go that way. Like you would never tell a blind person, hey, we have a movie on this flight, but since you're a guest of darkness, you're going to get a discount on your flight. Don't die, sir. Jesus Christ. Worst part about that flight, my buddy, Manny, comic friend of mine had told Manny, I was like, yeah, I'll go back to Boston for this wedding. Manny goes, oh, you know what? He goes, I'll take you to the airport. He goes, you know what? I'll even take you out to lunch. Now most of you guys are probably like, wow, this Manny, he sounds like a great friend. No, Manny's a comic. Comics are assholes to each other. So this ******* cocksucker takes me out for Indian food. Yeah. Before a seven hour flight. Motherfucker. And I'm full Irish. I can't do spicy food. So I'm two hours into the flight, just sweating going. All right. A decision's got to be made. I got to use this bathroom, right? But like most of you guys probably can't fit in the airline bathroom. I'm six, eight. So I'm not going to get graphic. Cause I know people are drinking and ----, but basically this was me chilling in the bathroom. Right. And the door came to right about here. My feet were just chilling in first class. Jesus Christ. Do you know how humiliating it is to have to hold a door while you ---- at 30,000 feet? I saw the stewardess. So I hit her up. I was like, Hey, you might want to hit that light. We're going to get a little turbulence here in a second. And the worst part, like my stomach was so upset. Like you could hear everything coming from that bathroom. It was, yeah. It was like, there was a soundtrack coming from that bathroom and that soundtrack was reggae. Cause all you heard was But I got out here to Boston and my buddies picked me up. As soon as I get in the car, they just go, it's the whole wedding party, bro. We're going to the strip club. And I was like, Oh ****, here we go. I'm not a big fan of strip clubs. It's just, it's just not my thing. Like it's hard for me to get excited about that. When I know just a foot, either way, I'm surrounded by dudes with boners. It's hard for me to be like, Oh, awesome. You look, you're like ******* gross. It's also a weird thing. Like what's your name, brother? Bob. Like, it's also a weird thing. Like if we're buddies, Bob, and I just randomly call you up. Hey Bob, what are you doing? You want to go get some hard-ons together? Let's go get some boners. That's what friends do. It's ******* weird. But, but I hadn't been to a strip club in like 15 years. And, uh, I guess this is the norm, the performer, whatever coffee car or candy she was named after. She's, uh, she's walking up onto the stage and my buddies were telling me this is pre-COVID to the left of the stage was like a little carton of like handy wipes. Yeah. So she grabs one, I guess she doesn't trust her coworkers, looks at us and then just starts like wiping it down as she shaking her ass. It was just ******* weird. It was just weird. Now I will say I did get aroused after about five minutes, uh, but it wasn't from the stripping. It was just the fact that a woman still cleans. I thought was sexy. Lost you. I get it. I get it. I get it. A lot of women don't like that joke. Plus also a lot of women don't like stripping because a lot of times people like stripping is degrading to women stripping. But if you think about it, stripping is not degrading to women. Cause if you think about it, a stripper is usually on a stage like this elevated above all the men held in a position of power, really. So if you support women's rights like I do, you should support your local strippers. Now I will say what is degrading the way that a stripper has to get on her hands and knees to collect her tips. That's ******* horrible. That's awful. Right? But that's not stripping. That's just how she gets paid. Right? Like what's your name, sir? John. Like, I don't know what you do for a living, John, but imagine you went into work one day and your boss is like, John, I've been looking at the numbers from last month. You had a really good month. Well, it's payday ************. And poor John is just like, ****. Thanks boss. He's just on his hands and knees in his underwear for some reason. I don't know. Maybe it's casual Friday. He's just like, Hey boss, do you think we'll ever get direct deposit? I ******* hate getting paid this way. That's the degrading part, you know? But I went to my buddy's wedding, beautiful ceremony. And then afterwards I was listening to the vows. Like I was really trying to take him in. I was listening to the whole till death. Do you part thing? You guys know that's like, like every day, like you can't like call a timeout or get a sub no off season ever. No off season. Fuck. I don't know if I can do it, man. Like I have enough trouble. Just if a girl spends the night Saturday night, I don't know polite way the next day to bring up like, like go on now. Shoot. Yeah. I don't know how you bring that up. I got stuck. This girl, she spent the night on Saturday night, woke up the next day. I was like, man, last night was great. I go, what do you got planned today? She goes, well, I didn't have anything planned. So I don't know. I was thinking maybe we could spend the day together. All right, cool. Spends the night Sunday night. I set the alarm early Monday. I'm like, all right, you got to go to work today. You're right. Got to go to work. She goes, well, we had so much fun yesterday. I was thinking maybe I'd call in sick and we could spend the day together again. Cool. Dope. Awesome. So now she's been there Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I can't get rid of her. I set the alarm early Tuesday. I'm like, all right, you definitely got to go to work today. Right. Got to go to work. She goes, here's what's crazy at my job. I can take two sick days, but it's only one occurrence. So I don't know. I was thinking maybe I'd call in sick and we could spend the day together again. What do you think? I'm like, look, I think you should leave. Get the **** out. I don't want to shower every day. I want to play video games. I have to ----. I've got a turd on deck for three goddamn days. I can't ---- while you're here. Be gone. Shoes. Skedaddle. Kick rocks. ------- beat it. Like if you understand guys, this is the easiest way I can explain guys. Guys don't really like talking. Like guys don't really want to talk unless there's a problem, but girls want to talk until there's a problem. I'll give you an example. Last year, football season, my buddy Sean comes over to watch the game. Sean's at my place for probably five hours. We maybe, maybe averaged about one word each an hour. It was like beer. Yeah. Pizza. Sure. It's one of the best conversation we ever had in our friendship. Like really. Following week, same scenario. I'm dating this girl, Isabel. She comes over to watch the game. I sit down to watch the game. She sits down right next to me. I just turned the game on and then it starts. I literally just turned it on and she just goes, Hey, so is everything okay? Like, yeah, I'm just, just watching football. I don't know. You just kind of seem weird, weird today. It's Sunday. I'm watching football. How's that? How's that weird? Just like, like your energy, your energy seems off. Game just started. Zero, zero. I think energy's pretty good. Like, like I know when you're mad and you seem mad. Not yet. Maybe you just don't understand. No, honey, I hear you. Yeah, you hear me, but you're not listening. Like with your heart. Babe, this is a huge game. Can I please just watch this game, please? Let me ask you that. Well, turning off this game for five minutes to talk to me affect the outcome of this game. Jesus Christ. I get up. I turn off. I go, what, what the **** do you want to talk about? She goes, don't talk to me like that. I go, I didn't want to talk at all. I was good. I sat down. I was all excited to watch the game. I was happy. And now you're in my ******* ear and I'm all pissed off. She's like, well, see, like I said, I knew you were mad. I was right. I knew you were mad. It's so aggravating. And I figured out the kind of girl I want to date. Like I can't date young girls. I know that. Like I need a girl like 30 ish and up. Like I can't date a 21 year old. Not that a 21 year old wants to talk to me, you know, but okay, ******* easy. Excuse you, sir. I can do it. I'm a fat eight. No, because, because young girls now, like they, they talk in social media terms. They talk in, they use an acronym for everything and they abbreviate everything, but they do it talking right next to each other. And half the time, I don't know what the **** they're saying. I was outside of a show with one of my buddies over here is these two girls, 21 ish. And one of these girls, she's going through all these terms. She starts off. She goes, ******* totes, totes. Then she says in French, he goes WTF, which has more syllables than just saying what the ****. So I don't know. But this is the one I lost my ---- on. She says to her friend, she goes, I'm amazed. I said to my buddy, I go, hold on. I go, what, what'd you say? She goes, I'm amazed. I go, what do you mean? Like a, like a puzzle. Like you're hard to figure out. What do you mean? She goes, no, I'm amazed. Like I'm amazing. I said to my buddy, I go, dude, let's go. This ******* unt is a real twa. I got to get the **** out of here. It's too much. It's too much. I will say this. My favorite of all the terms is basic bitch. Do you know that one, sir? That laughed at me getting a 21 year old. All right. I love it. I love it. Girls will insult other girls by calling them basic or basic bitches. And it's my favorite thing. Cause it's always an event. It's always like you a basic bitch, you basic, you basic bitch. And I'm over here like, that's all I want. I just want a basic bitch. What do I want? A ******* advanced level bitch stuff. I just want a basic bitch. You know, my mom was a basic bitch. My grandma was a basic bitch. My great grandma. I come from a long line of basic bitches. I'm a basic bitch. I don't see how basic's bad. Basic English, basic math. That's the ******* world I live in. You know, like I've ever grown up. You used to ask girls out and you'd be like, what do you like to do? And the standard answer was always like, I like long walks on the beach. I like sitting under the stars and talking for all hours of the morning. And I used to be like, yeah, that's corny, but not anymore. Now I'm like, that is my dream woman. Everything she wants to do, it's free. I'm like, where's that girl? That girl's my Cinderella. You know, Cinderella was the basic bitch. Like a lot of people think Cinderella is a fairytale for girls. No way. That's a fairytale for guys. That's a guy's dream woman. Think about it. What do we know about Cinderella? She's a hard worker, right? Agreed? She's beautiful, right? But here's the thing. She doesn't know it because her family always shits on her, calls her ugly. So she's probably got really low self-esteem guys. Like any guy could date her. She appreciates the little things. You just give her a ******* shoe. She's happy. Not even a pair. She's happy with one, you know? And then my favorite, she's gone before midnight. You guys friends with Cinderella? Tell her I'm talking ----. Yeah. And I'll be honest with you. Like dating comics is the worst because all we want to do is get a laugh whether we're on stage or off stage. And if you get comics around each other, we're always trying to one-up each other with pranks and practical jokes. I'll give you an example. Three months ago, I'm in a green room waiting for a show to start with these three other comics. This other comic, Dean, comes in late. He's hammered. He just stumbles in. He just goes, hey, what's up, guys? We're like, hey, what's up, Dean? He goes, oh, not much. I got a new tattoo. We're like, cool. He goes, you guys want to see it? Sure, Dean. Show us this new tattoo. He goes, all right. He lifts his shirt up, undoes his pants, and drops everything. ------- jeans, underwear, everything. And we're all sitting down. So we're ******* eye level, you know, with his personality, right? So he drops everything immediately. All of us are like, Jesus Christ, Dean, what are you doing? There we go. All right. All right. Show us this new tattoo. He goes, oh, okay. It's right here on my arm. Perfect joke. That is a perfect joke. It's got misdirection. It's a dick joke. It's a little dick joke, technically, if you know Dean. Yeah. But I'm getting older, too. I got a birthday coming up in a couple months, which is, it's, I'm turning 52. Makes no sense. But thank you. Thank you, three people. No, it doesn't. I'm just closer to death. It doesn't mean anything. But I'm definitely noticing the signs of getting older, though. Like, I like butterscotch now. I love it. I get it. I get it. Dude, butterscotch, those have been two of my favorite things for years, you know? And I was actually envious as my dad was getting older. I was envious of him getting older, because I think the older you get, the more and more you just don't give a ****. And that's got to be so liberating, right? Like, me and my buddy, we went and we were hanging out with my pops, and we were about to leave. And before we left, he goes, hey, can you drop me off at the bar? So I was like, sure, we'll drop you off. He goes, all right, hold on, I got to go change. I got to go change. Goes upstairs to change, comes back down wearing a red velour polo shirt, some flip flops, and some green and blue plaid pajama pants. You know, full on open dickhole pajama pants, like turnips popping out, right? So he starts to put his coat on, and I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm ready. I go, you're going to go like that to the bar? My dad looked at me, and my buddy said one of the greatest things. He goes, hey, man, alcohol don't care what I wear. It's a ******* life lesson. And yeah, my dad, he passed away, I think he was about 85, maybe 95, 150. Fuck, I don't know. I'm not a bad son. I'm not a bad son. Like me and my pops, like for birthdays, holidays, Christmas, we would do phone calls if we remembered, you know? And if we didn't, nobody got bent out of shape, you know? But three years ago for Christmas, my dad actually sent me a check for $100, which it's not a lot, but it's the thought that counts, right? So I call him that year. I'm like, hey, pops, Merry Christmas. He goes, hey, Merry Christmas. I go, hey, I got the check. I appreciate it. You didn't need to do that. He goes, no, I hope you can use it. You think you can hold off about a week before you cash that? I'm kind of going through some ---- right now. I'm like, yeah, it's kind of a ******* weird Christmas gift, but all right. Calls me on New Year's that year. I'm like, hey, pops, happy New Year's. He goes, yeah, yeah, happy New Year's. Really quick, you still got that check? I'm still moving a few things around here. I go, dad, I can just get rid of the check. He's like, no, just call me before you do anything. Check with me first before you do anything. So I never cashed that check that year. I waited until September of that year, which is my dad's birthday. And then I sent him a birthday card with the check in it, tore up. And then he called me crying going, oh my God, it's just what I wanted. How'd you know? ------- idiot. Yeah. I think also with getting older, I think I'm going through menopause. Dude, I teared up. I didn't even tear. I ******* full on cried at a beer commercial. Dude, this Guinness, it's a Guinness wheelchair basketball commercial. And let me explain. First of all, this is a minute long commercial that there is no advertisement until the last like three seconds. So when you watch this commercial, you have no idea what the **** you're watching. I'm watching this game. I'm just watching TV. All of a sudden this commercial comes on and there's no talking for the first 30 seconds. All you hear is this singing, just going, it's you. So you're like, okay, me, I'm listening. There's six wheelchair basketball dudes for 30 seconds. They're banging into each other, knocking over, coming back up. And then at about the 32nd mark, a voice comes on and it just says dedication. And you're like, okay, like they're dedicated to wheelchair basketball. Cool. I guess. Then it says loyalty. And you're like, okay, like they're loyal to their team. There's no advertisement. And then one of the wheelchair guys, he says to the group, he goes, ah, you guys are getting better at this. And one of them replied replies with yeah, same time next week. And then five of the six wheelchair guys undo their wheelchair seatbelts. And then they stand the **** up. And the voice just says friendship. And you're like, no advertisement. So the next scene, the guys are walking out of the gym, except for one dude still in the wheelchair. And now they're at a bar and this guy grabs six Guinness. He brings it over the table and a voice comes on for the final part. And it just says, the choices we make reveal the true nature of our character Guinness. And I'm like, **** you Guinness. Jesus Christ. I'm just at Buffalo Wild Wings trying to watch a goddamn football game. And now I'm openly sobbing at this fight. Does nobody see this lifetime commercial? Like you guys do realize you can't go to any gym in the world and go, excuse me, can we check out five wheelchairs to play with our buddy? These guys are buying wheelchairs to play with their friend. My buddy comes over to watch the game and I'm like, sit on the ground, you piece of ----. Like when you, when they under do their seatbelts and stand up and you start realizing, if you don't immediately just start going, like you're a ******* toaster. You have no ******* emotions, man. Dude, I cried. Dude, I went to the movie race about Jesse Owens. I went with my buddy and his wife and we were like 30 minutes into the movie. And all of a sudden I felt something and I went, what the ****? I'm crying. And my buddy's wife glances over and just goes, oh my God, what is wrong with you? So I tried to play it off. I go, oh, I don't know. I think it's my allergies or something. She goes, allergies, we're in a theater. What are you allergic to? Movies, you pussy. And I told her afterwards, I go, that's not fair. I told her, unless you played sports growing up, I don't know if people get how like sports movies get us as guys, you know? Like if the movie Rudy comes on immediately, I start with a like ******* immediately. And I told her, I was like, the way we view movies is different anyways. I asked her, I go, well, what's a movie that makes girls cry? And she says, well, the greatest love story ever, of course, The Notebook. That movie's a turd. All right. Sorry. I'll give you a quick rundown. For anybody who hasn't seen the movie, I'll give you the rundown. There's a lot of fluff and horse ---- in the movie, but this is the gist of it. All right. Buckle up. So guy meets a girl, they fall in love, but the family doesn't think this guy's right for her. So she moves away. She meets a second guy. They fall in love. They get engaged. They're going to get married. But then the first guy shows up again and they start banging again. And then she says, oh, by the way, fiance, I love and everything, but this first guy, he is my true love and I need to be with him. And I watched it with this girl and she's like, oh my God, isn't that just the greatest love story ever? I go, the movie about the cheating whore? Is that what you're talking about? Nobody gives a **** about the fiance as long as the girl's happy, I guess. Fuck it, right? Like that is one of the most loved movies by women. And if you were to just flip the roles, oh my God, that would be one of the most hated movies by women. Oh my God. I pray somebody remakes the movie and flips the roles. You can, you can call it the playbook. And look, and don't get me wrong. I don't profess to think I know women at all, but I am observant. And I think I figured a couple of things out. It appears women seem to be happiest when they're being like a little bit slutty and, or a guy's just totally getting fucked over. Because if you look at girls' favorite movies, that's always the plot. You have the notebook. It's about a cheating whore. Twilight. It's about a cheating whore that's bouncing between some emo vampire and some dog beast ******* thing. Sleepless in Seattle. It's about a cheating whore that was living with her fiance. She hears a dude on the radio comes out to Seattle and starts stalking him. Want to go old school Casablanca. You guys will never believe what this is about. It's about a cheating whore that was married to Victor. She was going to let him fly off till Humphrey Bogart's like, that's your husband, bitch. Get on the plane. What else? Titanic. It's about a cheating whore that was engaged to Billy Zane. He took the bitch on a cruise. She starts banging Leonardo, lets him die in the water. You know? Oh, and the best one, pretty woman. She's a whore. She's an actual whore. She's a real prostitute in the movie. The only love story over the last 20 years where the guy is not being lied to by his lover is ******* Brokeback Mountain. Thank you very much, Massachusetts. I love you guys. I always do something here. Kennedy's a rookie of the month, as you will. And his name is Jason Hollingsworth. I could give you official official name. Is that proper? He's the one with same in his eyes. He had ----. So he's going to have some fun. Here we go. Yeah. Love you.