Hilarious True Story Behind Daughter's FIRST KISS!

For anybody with teenage daughters or who have had teenage daughters, yeah, so I'll tell you something. This was happening when she was maybe 14 or 15. You should know that if you were a child in my house, I was snooping through your ----. I don't understand if people were like, that's their property. Nope, that's my property. They don't live in their room. They live in a room I let them live in, in my ******* house. There's no, I never understood that. By the way, I wasn't snooping to bust him for a bong or anything like that. Honestly, I wasn't going to break our trust for something that I knew he was going to go behind my back to do anyways. I honestly wasn't. I was snooping, one reason. I was never going to be the dad on the evening news who was like, yeah, I never saw it coming either. Oh, you weren't going to be a school shooter in my ******* house. Fuck off. That was not happening. No closet psychos. So I'm on my daughter's computer and I find that she has given our address to somebody online. Some dude. I bring her into the living room and my wife is there too and I go, Kate, are you crazy? Like I've told you all about the dangers of online. You don't know anything about this guy. How can you be giving him your address? And she was like, I love him and he's my soulmate. And I was like, what are you even saying right now? How do you know? You don't even know this guy. She was like, of course I know him. I talked to him every day on the phone for two hours. His name is Travis and I love him and he's my soulmate. I said, you don't even know what he looks like. She goes, he sent me a picture. I go, okay, let's see the picture. Now this was a few years ago. So she had printed it out. She had it in the room and she comes back in with the picture. Can I tell you the picture this dude sent to her of himself was a photoshopped picture of 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp. She does not know that Johnny Depp, the Johnny Depp she knows looks like he smells like old meat. She doesn't know the most beautiful human that's ever walked planet earth. So when she held up this picture, she was like, isn't he beautiful? I'm like, so beautiful. Here's something else you should know about me guys. Right below the love of my family, what I like more than anything in the world is being right. Oh, a good I told you so, I will **** you right in the face with that. Are you kidding? Those feel so good. Don't they? Holy ----. Yeah. They were so satisfying. So especially to your kids, wowsers. So I feel pretty good seeing the picture that I have and I told you so come. So I say to her, I go, Hey, where does this guy live? She goes, why? And I said, well, I travel 40, 42 weeks a year. I'm probably coming close to where he lives. Do you want to tell me where this, she goes, he, he lives in a place called popular bluff Missouri. Now at the time I was traveling with a guy named Larry, the cable guy, and we happened to be going to popular bluff, Missouri. As a matter of fact, I bet you he's probably the only comic that goes to popular bluff Missouri. Probably a good bet, right? Yep. But I said to her, I go, do you want to meet your soulmate? She was like, I'm going to get that in. Yeah. I'm going to get that in. Yes. Oh my God. I totally want to meet my soulmate. She made some other dolphin noises and she ******* went off into her room. My wife says to me, are you crazy? I said, what do you mean? She goes, do you? I know what you think. You think because this guy doesn't look like Johnny Depp, she's going to show up and then everything you've ever told her about the internet, that it's not real, that people lie to you and all that stuff that will be real and you'll win. I said, that's right. She goes, you don't understand teenage girls. This is her first time being in love. She's not in love with this guy. She is in love with being in love. It makes her feel grown up. She loves the feeling you are going to be dead wrong. It doesn't matter what he looks like. She's going to be in love. And then everything you've ever said about the internet, all your credibility goes out the window. Do you want to risk that with this trip? And I just held up the picture and I was like, I feel pretty good that Johnny Depp is not going to be in popular bluff of Missouri anytime soon. We get there. We are driving to the, we park at the arena. We are walking out of the car and she says to me, she throws a little wrench into my plan and she goes, can I tell you, and it's so funny when at that age, she posed a lot when she would talk to me, can I tell you, can I tell you why this weekend is so important to me? And I was like, of course she goes, okay, well, not only, not only is he my soulmate and not only do I love him, but he's going to be my first kiss. Isn't that so romantic? Soulmate, I love him, first kiss, best weekend ever. And I was like, we'll see, you know, but the reason the wrench has been thrown in the plan is because guys, okay, I've always told my kids, if it's between buying a thing and buying an experience by the experience, stories live with you forever. Things go away. Memories stay with you forever by the experience, have the story. That's what we're passing down to each other. That's what we share with each other. We are a civilization of people who tell stories to each other. So by the, by the experience and what a cool story for my daughter and I to have together. But I also really like to be right and this did have to do with her safety. So I'm a little torn. We're in front of the arena and this is maybe my favorite part of the story. She's looking, she's got the picture she printed out and she's in popular bluff, Missouri, looking for ******* Johnny Depp. If I had had a camera phone at the time, I would play that on loop for her every time I saw her like on century guard looking for death. She wasn't goose stepping. I don't know why I got her as a Nazi, but, but you know, weird. So I'm not looking for Johnny Depp. I'm looking for a guy around her age who's holding a picture, looking for something that he was with his dad. That's what we had set up. And I see him, what the **** is that noise dude? Are you on dial up you old ****? What the, what kind of internet connection are you on? You old ************. Did you just get a fax dude? The **** is going on back there? Holy ----. Are you on the first phone ever, bro? Hey dude, did, did you turn your landline off? Is it, is it off? Okay, good. Yeah. Sounded like he had R2D2 back there with him. So I see this kid, he's got a picture around Caitlin's age and I, I see him and he's walking up and I go, his name is Travis. I go, Travis? And he's standing there and he sees Kate. He looks exactly the way I think he's going to look, pale, pale, pale. Like I can see your heart pale. Like that kind of, do you live underwater? Like that kind of pale, right? And he walks up and he goes, Caitlin? And Caitlin's got this picture of Johnny Depp. And she's like, and I love this kid. He goes, that's an old picture. I said, yeah, you're not lying dude. 1984, it is an old picture. And they start talking. Now I meet this guy's dad, his dad's name is George. And I will tell you something guys, let me tell you the good things about him. Because I'm a comic and there's some things you have to understand as a comic. I'm always finding what I think is funny and what I can make jokes about. So let me tell you what the most important thing about this guy first. What a great relationship he had with his son. The love and respect they had for each other was so cool to watch. Really so cool to watch. He was also the single best storyteller I have ever sat in front of in my entire life. The entire night I was just like, this dude is amazing. Funny, gracious with his time, super polite. Like just a genuinely good dude. Now let me tell you as a comic, just what I couldn't help myself with. I don't know how many of you have ever counted your front 10 teeth before. Maybe because you have a majority of them. He had one. And it was one of the two front ones, big ones. And it was the biggest, it hung down over, it was the biggest single tooth I've seen out of a museum. That it was like, dude, it looked like it ate all the other teeth. Like it was the one, it was the Highlander tooth for sure. There can only be one. ------- crazy. This dude's counting his front 10 teeth right now. But he shakes my hand. And I go, hey, I'm Josh. He goes, hey, I'm George. And he said, I hear you like weird ----. I said, yes, I do. And he said, you want to hear that story about when my dad ran me over with a tractor when I was eight? And I was like, I'll skip my show for it really. I said, tell me later. We go in the show, show's great. We come out of the show. And Travis and George are huddling up and me and Kate are talking. I go, Kate, what do you think? And she was like, well, he doesn't look anything like his picture. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what are you going to do for the rest of the night? She was like, well, we did have such a good time together. Can we like go to dinner or something? And I said, of course, I'll pay. And so I call Travis and George over. I go, hey, guys, how about we go to dinner? Anything you want, my treat. And George was like, I would like to eat a steak. And I said, I'd like to see you eat a steak. Now, let me tell you something about me. If I get a joke in my mouth, I got to get it out right then. Because if I don't, it's coming out at the wrong ******* time, right? And I didn't want these jokes to come out at dinner. So they were all coming out on the car ride over with Kate. I was saying things like, do you think that's why he brought his son with him? His son chooses food and then throws it in his mouth. She was like, stop saying those things. I was like, I can't help it. We're not even out of the parking lot yet. So I got a couple more coming. We get to the restaurant. We all order steak. And George's comes first. And he's such a polite guy. He goes, I'll wait for y'all. And I was like, this is what we're here for. And he leans into me and he goes, bet you're wondering how I'm gonna eat this steak. I said, **** it, dude. It's all I've been thinking about the entire time. I said, yeah, how, how, how do you eat it? And he goes, well, you should know. I've got a particularly strong tongue. I was like, dude, I don't know whether to be scared or hard right now. I'm probably 50, 50 on it. Honestly, little of both, which is how I like it, you know? So I go, what do you mean? And he goes, well, I cut it into real small pieces. I put it in the middle of my tongue. And then I, I mush it against the roof of my mouth. And I throw it in back and I, and I finish it up. And I said, like an eagle? And he goes, well, do you want to see it? I go, yeah, dude, that's why we're here. Fuck him. What do you think I'm sitting here for? Yeah. And he, dude, he just cut this piece and middle tongue. Finished it up and swallowed it down. And I was like, dude, do not do that again. We had a great night, man. We all ate and laughed. And I'll tell you something right now, George and I were laughing the whole night. The kids had stopped talking. It really turned into more of a first date for me and George. It's somewhere towards the end of the night. I was like, dude, you're funny. You might get a handjob. I like you. Best first date I've ever had. Are you kidding me right now? Travis and George go off to go to the bathroom and Kate and I are sitting next to each other. Cause by the end of the night, the kids had stopped talking. And I turned to her, I go, so what do you think? And she was like, well, he's not my soulmate either. Now, you know, I had, I told you so locked and ******* loaded. I was ready. I had practiced it. The different way in the mirror. I told you so I couldn't tell how I was going to do it. And then she started to cry. And what became more important than I told you? So like I told you guys earlier is the experience. I, at the end of the day knew that the most important thing for me was that she and I had a good story that she and I had a good experience. This is something we would tell each other forever. You know? So my goals changed right away. I have to make this a good weekend. So I said to her, Kate, and she was crying. And she was like, I can't even get my first kiss. I just want my first kiss. I can't even get my first kiss. So I said to her, Kate, you want this guy to be your practice first kiss? And she was like, what? I said, your practice first kiss. Everybody gets a practice first kiss. You get all the nerves, all the awkward, all the drool. You get all that out. And then when you have your real first kiss, it's perfect. I go, you want this to be your practice first kiss? She was like, I don't think that's a real thing. I said, it is. She was like, let me Google it. I go, don't ******* Google it. I said, you want this guy to be your practice first kiss or not? She was like, kind of. I said, let's do it. She was like, okay. So Travis and George come back. And I go, hey, George, why don't we go back to the hotel? Give the kids 15 minutes by the pool. And you and I will sit in the lobby and talk. And he was like, deal. We go back, the kids go by the pool. And I'll tell you something, dude. George was killing me in the lobby. This dude was so funny. I couldn't believe it. I'm laughing hysterically. And he even said, at one point, he leaned into me and he goes, hey. I said, yeah. And he goes, you ready to hear that story about the tractor? I said, dude, anytime you're ready. Fuck yeah, I am. And he leaned in. And he goes, it happened on a Saturday. And I was like, this is going to be the best story. I could not wait. And then Caitlin comes in. She goes, I'm ready to go upstairs. I'm ready. I'm done. And I go, no, no, you get seven more minutes. She goes, I don't need it. I don't want it. I go, but don't you want it? She goes, no, I don't want it. I want to go upstairs right now. And I said, OK. Travis comes in, head down. I go, everybody OK? She goes, I'm totally OK. I'm just done. I go, OK. Say goodbye. She said goodbye. I said goodbye to everybody. I said goodbye, Travis. I told George. I go, dude, if we were on The Bachelorette, I'm giving you a rose. That's how good this night went, dude. Definitely getting the hometown invite. You know what I'm saying? So we go upstairs in the elevator. And she hasn't said a word to me. We get into the room. We're getting ready for bed. She hasn't said a word. We're both laying in our respective beds. We're just watching TV. And she's completely silent. So finally, I turn off the TV. I go, nothing? You're not going to tell me what happened? And she said, I never want to speak of it ever again. I said, oh, you're so mad you're speaking old English? All right. Well, then now I kind of need to know. What happened? She goes, no, Danny. I go, Kate, what happens in popular bluff stays in popular bluff. It's just me and you. She goes, OK. But you can't tell anyone. And I was like, who would I tell? She goes, OK. OK. Well, it turns out he had never been kissed before either. And I was like, shocker. Is that because he's never been outdoors before? But she was like, so we decided we'd be each other practice first kiss. I was like, well, that's awesome. She goes, yeah. I go, yeah, that's awesome. She goes, so we were both really excited. We're going to be practice first kiss. And then when we had our real first kiss, we were going to call each other as friends and tell each other how it went. And I was like, that's awesome. Great. And she goes, so we're both excited. And we both leaned in for the kiss. And I go. I said, mouth open? She said, yeah, like in the movies. And I was like, what movies? I need to check your computer for other stuff, apparently. She goes, no, he went in like that, too. I go, you both went in gums out? OK, if you're both going gums out, I guess. I said, so what happened? She goes, we were so excited. And we went in. And she said, but we went in too fast. And we hit teeth. And I chipped his front tooth. I said, oh, no. And she goes, and part of his tooth fell in my open mouth. I had to pretend like it was normal. I was like, really? That happens to everybody. Now, I've got, I told you so, locked and loaded again. Right? She starts to cry. I can't get a first kiss? I can't get a practice first kiss? That doesn't happen to me. That kind of stuff, first kisses with your soulmate doesn't happen to me. That only happens in the movies. I don't live in the movies, dad. You know where I live? I go, where? She goes, I live where teeth fall in my mouth. I said, well, now I have to tell the story.