Chad Daniels For Reels Full Comedy Special

Ladies and gentlemen, Chad Daniels! Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Okay, thank you so much. The theater's going to have to close. Okay. I was at an airport and I was laughing at something terribly inappropriate. And a woman walked by and she goes, You should kill yourself. Is that the laziest attempted murder you have ever heard in your life? Like that's what you're going to do? You don't want to kill me so you're going to try to get me to kill me? That's never going to happen. I'm too big of a pussy to kill myself. I would always just be like, I think I'm going to do it. Well, what if they do something fun tomorrow? I don't want to miss out. I've never had a suicidal thought. That's true. I have been on an airplane with some turbulence and thought, You know what? Let's bring this bitch to the ground. I don't care. I mean, fly it or crash it, but make the bouncing stop. Have you ever been so hungover you don't care if you accidentally die that day? You just cross the street without looking. You're like, **** it. If it happens, it happens. Challenging cars. Hit me, dude. I was so hungover on an airplane because I was at a bachelor party. Now I have to explain to you, this was several years and one hip replacement ago. I don't just frequent bachelor parties now. But we were in Las Vegas and we were drinking tequila. We were down in the pool. It was Sunday. It was our last day. So we went down at 8 a.m. We were drinking margaritas. We were chasing margaritas with shots of tequila. Yeah. So by noon, we were so messed up. We got out and didn't know what building we were staying in. So we had to hook elbows like barrel of monkeys and just slowly look around and find where we were going. It was like the drunkest game of Red Rover you've ever seen. Now let me tell you about the pool situation we were at. There was a European pool. There were two pools. One was a European pool so women could show their breasts. All right. Then on this side, there was an American pool where men could show their breasts. All right. Connecting the two pools, there was a man-made river. Over the man-made river, there was a footbridge in case you want to take a shortcut. Didn't want to get wet. So we're barrel of monkey and trying to find what building. And I see the footbridge and I go, I bet no one's done a backflip off of that yet today. So I run up there. I'm like, you guys are going to love this. I get on the railing. My flip-flops are still wet. So I jump. My feet slip out from underneath me. I go parallel with the railing, fall down onto the railing, wrap around it, break two ribs, and then unfold around the railing and cartwheel down into the river like some born-identity bullshit. I hit the water so hard and I ear-flopped. Do you know what that is? I can tell by your reaction, yes, maybe you do. It's when your ear hits the water flushly and your brains and your asshole shoot out the other side. So I am lying in this river. I have no use of my right side. My equilibrium feels horrible because my eardrum feels popped. I think I'm going to drown, but I go, oh my God, there's the side of the pool. So I start to swim over, but I'm like finding Nemo. I only have one flipper. So I just start to go in a circle like, oh ----. Oh no, there it goes. I finally make it all the way to this side. I throw my head up onto the pool deck and this man runs over and he goes, I saw the whole thing. Are you okay? I was like, are you a doctor? He said, no, I'm a waiter. I said, I'll take two shots of tequila, stat. Just in case he was lying about being a doctor. So he takes off and then this giant man comes out of a tent with vegetable spritzers, keeping him cool because it is now 110 degrees in Las Vegas. He comes out to the edge of the pool and he goes, you, out of the pool, now. And I was like, I'd like to tell you about my ribs. And he goes, now. So I limp out of the pool. I get over to him and he goes, no more pool for you today. And I was like, I agree. I am not good at the pool today. I go, dude, my friends ditched me when they thought I was drowning. I don't know where anything is. What am I supposed to do? And he goes, my name is Daryl. I'm head of security for the outside games. You can play blackjack or you can play craps. So I pick blackjack because I want to put my head down on the table because I was still hammered. So I'm taking hits. I'm just dragging my knuckles across the table. It feels so good. The felt on top cooled my whole body as I was doing it. I was winning on everything because I was taking hits on like 18 and ----. Just like, oh my God, this is great. Finally, Daryl runs back over and he goes, hey man, if you want to take a card, you need to make a noise to let everyone at the table know you want a card. And I was like, okay. So the noise I chose was, you can see Daryl turn around, run right back to me. And he goes, hey man, nobody likes you. And I was like, yeah, no, I got that. My friends ditched me and no one has made direct eye contact with me for 15 minutes. So I go, what do you want me to do, man? He goes, go to the craps table. Anything goes at the craps table. And I was like, you got it. So I went to the craps table. I got over there. I was the only one there. The man with the stick, he pushed all five dice over to me. So I picked up all five dice and I started shaking them. And he goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm playing. And he goes, you only use two dice. And I set them all down. I go, I don't know how to do this. He goes, okay, here's the deal. You have to make sure that the dice hit the back wall. Otherwise the roll doesn't count. So I threw these ******* things so hard to make sure, but I threw them too hard. Because one of them hit the wall, bounced back over me off the table. I look at the guy with the stick and I go, hey man, I don't know if you know this, but nobody likes me at the blackjack table. So I would like to keep my relationship strong with you. I'd like to go get that die that is way over there. And he goes, you can't do it. If you want it, say same dice and Daryl has to go get it. And I was like, Daryl from blackjack? And he goes, yeah. And I was like, okay, same dice. So Daryl has to come out of his spritzer bitch tent, go find this thing. He brings it back and he goes, hey man, be careful. And I go, hey man, stick around. I grabbed both dice. I palmed one of them. I hooked the other one in my index finger. I rolled the palmed one slowly and then I just chucked the other one. As I started the roll, I yelled, same dice. Yeah. So Daryl storms off, comes back, slams the die down and he goes, not again. I was like, I'm sorry, Daryl. I was under the impression that anything goes at the craps table. He slowly moved his face towards mine. Like we were sharing a noodle in Lady and the Tramp. He gets nose to nose and he just goes, not again. The whole time I'm feeling for the dice. Grab them, throw them behind my back into the pool and whisper, same dice. I don't know if you've ever seen a grown man get mad enough where his voice goes up a couple octaves. But he was like, you get your ass in there. I am sorry, Daryl. I am not allowed in the pool today. I like causing trouble. I do. It's fun. I like being a dick. I'm a grown up. Sometimes it's dangerous when I cause trouble. I think I almost get murdered. My son, when he was younger, he made it to the championship of a baseball tournament. His team did. And where they're playing another team from out of town. And I live in northern Minnesota. And so it surprised me when a man drove in in a pickup truck that had a Confederate flag waving behind it. Right. And nobody said anything. And we watched the game. And then the winners and the losers all got medals. And this guy was pissed. He was like, I cannot believe that the losing team is getting medals. Not all kids should get medals. I was like, dude, you are flying a participation ribbon behind your truck. I'm glad a lot of you are cheering. Some of you aren't even moving or smiling. And that's fucked up because of where we are. We're so far up in the country. Sometimes you go other places and people will be like, hey, man, the Confederacy was part of my youth. And it's like, you were alive from 1861 to 1865? Are you a vampire? How are you still alive? I want to buy some people. I mean, what the ****? No one should ever get mad if you talk ---- about the Confederate flag because it's not a real flag. I mean, it's physical. You can touch it. But it's not a country. It's like Narnia or some ----. People argue, Billy, where are you going? Mom, I'm going to go back to the Civil War. I'm going to go through the armoire. Go through the armoire. It's like a dresser for your hang-up clothes. It's just so silly. One time I was out for a walk where I live, northern Minnesota, like I said. And I saw this flag that was hanging down a flagpole. It looked like a Confederate flag. And the guy was outside. And I go, dude, really? Way up here, man. And he slowly walked over and pulled the flag out. Norwegian flag. I was so embarrassed. I just go, flergen bjergen. And then I took off. You know who loves the Confederate flag? People that look just like me. That's true. I'll be walking through a Walmart, and people will be like, hey. It's like, no, not me. Not me. Just don't like shaving. You're good. It's crazy. You see the three guys that tried to kidnap the governor in Michigan? I saw their pictures on TV, and I was like, oh, ****. I looked like all three of them. Exactly like all three of them. Just a nondescript white guy with a beard. And underneath their pictures, it said domestic terrorism. And so I didn't know a lot about that. So I looked it up. It turns out white guys with beards have committed more terroristic acts against this country than any other groups combined. And before you go, no, let me just tell you, yuh-huh. But that's not how we like to talk here, right? We let white guys with beards get passes sometimes, and then we blame it on other people. Like 9-11, no joking, horrible tragedy, right? And what did we say afterwards? We said, never forget. And then in parentheses, we said, it is the brown people. Oh, is it tough for your college town to laugh at that one? It's the ******* truth. I know it's the truth because, listen, I flew after 9-11, and here's what would happen. A brown guy would walk on an airplane, and all the white guys would look around and go, you ready to ******* rock and roll? And that is exactly how I feel when I see a white guy with a beard around a government building on a Sunday. It's like, sir, what is your business here today? As you know, the government doesn't work on holidays and weekends. Why are you here? And they never answer me. They just turn towards me and, like, mock me with my own gestures. And so I ask them questions and questions until I realize it's my reflection in the building. And I am just like, son of a bitch. People are like, well, if you don't want that to happen, why don't you just shave your beard down to stubble? Because then I just look like a guy that became a youth pastor because women won't *******. That's exactly what I would look like. I would need a man bun, 14 earrings on one ear, a big cross tattoo just like, who's ready to hear about Jesus? Also, second question, who here is almost 18? I'm ******* crazy. Just kidding. I have your files. I already know. Hey, Rebecca. One time somebody goes, what, are you just going to talk to all white guys with beards and tell them to knock it off? I'm like, no. Do you know how long that would take in this country? Plus, I'm already part of a group that I have to tell them to keep their ---- together because I'm a Chad. Regularly, I have to call other Chads and be like, hey, man, four pockets on your shorts maximum, please. Take the sunglasses off the back of your head. You look like a dildo. Don't you put that in her drink, Chad. Don't you put that in her drink. My mom's name is Karen. We've had a rough couple of years. That is true. I wish I was lying to you about that. I wish I made that up for a joke. But my mother's name is Karen and she named her son Chad. I know she didn't have a crystal ball, but god damn lady. We have not been able to go out anywhere together for two years. Just walking in, here comes Karen and Chad. She's probably going to ask to talk to a manager so he can call him broseph. My mom was pretty awesome. I didn't swear at her until I was 18. She was in my room yelling at me in my bedroom, yelling at me about not getting my homework done. And finally, I just stood up off my bed and I go, get the **** out of my room. And she did not step to me. She floated to me. And she just goes, hit me. Oh my god. I was like, I'm going to be outside but you should know I'm still upset about this. I'm not messing with that ----. Are you kidding me? My mom never walked in on me jerking off. I thought that was real good. Because that's how you make serial killers. I'm going to tell you something right now. I'm not going to put up with the frowning faces in here. Because it was your choice to listen to true crime podcasts all afternoon. And now I don't get to say serial killer one time when the sun goes down. Fuck you. I'm not going to deal with that. Because that's absolutely true. If a dark haired mom walks in on their teenage boy masturbating and says anything close to, you disgust me. We are going to lose 10 to 20 brunettes in the next 15 years. And I'm not saying that's great and I'm not saying it's funny. I'm saying it's real. You laugh it up. You keep laughing. Here with a brunette, no doubt. Excited about your future. You're his daughter? Well, I don't know. Maybe he's laughing like you should see what happens when you walk in on your daughter jerking off. The craziest ---- you've ever seen in your life. I'm going to have more questions for you later. Because this is back loaded with daughter ----. It's true, man. Listen. Some guys are creepy. That's a fact. You can walk down the street and it can be dark and you can look at someone and go, Oh, that's no big deal. But you don't know if his mom caught him jerking off or not. I'm a grown up and when I go to the bathroom in public, I push the door all the way to the wall to make sure no one is hiding behind it. Because I don't want to get murdered in a bathroom. If I get killed in a bathroom, it's going to be from a real skinny dude that can turn his feet like this. Absolutely. I'll push the door. I'll hear the handle click on the tile and I'll be like, All right, it's safe. And then his little skinny ass can MC hammer out of there and just murder me. That's the last place I want to get murdered is the bathroom. Why do you go to the bathroom? Because you're full of piss. But if you get murdered before you get to the urinal, guess where the piss goes? All over you and in your pants. I don't need that. I don't want to be on the ground of a bathroom bleeding with piss all over me. Because here's what's going to happen. The cops are going to show up and one of them is going to go, Oh my God, this guy pissed his pants. He was so scared to be murdered, he actually pissed his pants. This is crazy. I don't want that. So then I think I have one minute to live. Do I use that minute to text my children and tell them I love them? Or do I dip my finger in my own blood and leave a note? My kids know I love them. So ******* here we go. Dear officers, I was not scared to be murdered. I was killed before I was able to piss in the urinal. P.S. You're looking for a man with very bendy ankles. I'll help. I'll help him out. I don't care. Dude, guys are scary. And I know guys are scary in any setting. And here's how I know this. My daughter's 18 years old. How old is your daughter? Eighteen. So let's ******* buckle up. My daughter's 18 and sometimes she can be a bitch. I am 47 and sometimes I can be a bitch. And there are evenings where a bitch at the exact same time. And so I will say things to her like, Hey, I think you should go walk the dog. We shouldn't be in the same house together right now. And this is happening. And then she will turn uber 18. She'll go grab. She'll be like, Do I put this purple thing on the dog for the walk? And like the harness? Yeah, sure. The thing I put on him every time. Go for it. What leash should I use? I don't know. Pick one. We have three leashes so the dog won't run away at different lengths. It's true. I bought a 50 foot leash to **** with my dog. Let me tell you why. My dog is half poodle and sometimes this dog thinks he's smarter than me and I can't handle it. So when that happens, all the leashes are the same color. So he doesn't know which one I'm putting on. And I'll put on. Yeah, it's pretty great. I'll put on the 50 foot leash, right? That looks just like the 20 foot leash. And I'll take him out and he gets 22 feet away from me and turns and just goes. That's right. I'm getting some sour faces again. I'm gonna tell you something. I don't care if you get mad at me, but you have to ******* listen. I told you at the beginning of this, I always put a harness on my dog before I take him for a walk. So there's no way he would have gone. He would have gone. That's so that is what I do. And then he's crappy flopping around on the sidewalk. And I walk right over and be like, what's up, bitch? How are you? How are you? Are you smarter than me now? Oh, you're not. I'm standing. You're lying. How about this ----? It's a 50 foot leash, not a 50 paw leash. Humans rule, dude. It's completely going crazy over him. So my daughter, we're back at the house. She's getting the dog ready for the walk. She puts a leash on right before she leaves. She goes, you're being a real treat tonight and shut the door. I will tell you, I hate not having a chance at a rebuttal in any conversation. So she and she knows that she knows it's a button to push. She goes, you're being a real treat. Shut the thing. And I go, you're the treat. God, I was so mad. I was stewing in my chair at my house. And I knew she was stewing down at the football field a block away where we walk the dog. And I thought, you know what? I'm going to go down there. I'm going to be the bigger person. I'm going to go down the football field. I'm going to talk to her, change the energy of the night. That way, when she comes back, she'll be done yelling at me. But it was February in northern Minnesota. So I put on my big parka, my boots, a big trapper cap that has fur all around the face. And I walked down to talk to her. I was about 40 yards away from her. She turned and saw me coming. She turned the other way, started jogging with the dog. And I was like, where the hell is she going? So I started jogging behind her. She turned and saw me jogging. She started running with the dog. I'm like, well, this bitch. So I start running behind her. She sees me running. She absolutely takes off. She is sprinting at full speed. She runs up a hill to the ridge of the hill, cuts back left towards the house. And I think, well, I'm never going to catch her now unless I take this angle right here. So I start high-stepping through the snow of the football field. And the only thing I'm thinking is if somebody is getting this on their phone for TikTok, I have four years of eligibility left. And I could be playing college football as early as next fall. I was moving. I get almost to her. I'm halfway up the hill and she turns and goes, Who are you? And I was like, that's what this is about? I thought she just didn't want to talk to me. She's been scared shitless for 360 yards. I had no idea what was happening. So I immediately just go, I'm your dad. And she started bawling and ran down the hill and gave me this huge hug. Huge, humongous hug. She's weeping onto my jacket, but it's waxed for winter, so it's rolling right down. And I think to myself, what have we learned? We've learned that if you're a young woman walking a dog in the dark and a man approaches you, even if he has your father's body type and is wearing all of his ----, still might be a good idea just to start jogging in the other direction. Loosen up the Achilles in case some ---- goes down. I wish it wasn't like that, but it is. What else have we learned? You are going to use geometry again. What else have we learned? If a kidnapper ever says, I'm your dad, to my daughter, she is fucked. Oh my God, what are you doing running right towards me? I didn't take my hat off, I still had all my ---- on, and she was running towards me. You can't do that. You just didn't know who I was. You have to take an athletic stance and ask some questions to confirm my identity. I don't even care what they are, just get down and be like, how many leashes do we have? Something. Chasing your daughter around a football field when she doesn't know who you are, it does change the energy of the night. And when we got home, she was no longer yelling at me, because she was up in her room crying still. Sometimes a miss is a direct hit. I told you, she's 18. She graduated from high school when she was 18. And her boyfriend is 19. He graduated from high school when he was 19, same class. That might be confusing, because those are two different numbers. So I went to his graduation party, and I said, how come this kid is 19? Does anyone know? And somebody goes, well, I think they held him back when he was younger, so he'd be better at sports when he was older. And I said, that is exactly what I would tell someone if my kid was stupid. And then somebody else at the party goes, you know he's not stupid, he graduated with a 4.0. And that is true, he did. But he should have, he's 19. He's a college freshman doing high school homework. If you play wiffle ball with Babe Ruth, he's going to hit some homers. If you roll the numbers back, you know that at one time, he was 18 and she was 17. They came to my house when that was happening, and he goes, Mr. Daniels, what's for dinner? I was like, I don't know, how about some chicken statutory? They'd been dating for three and a half years, and she had not had a boyfriend or gone on a date or anything before this dude. It was just hanging out with her figure skating friends, so she had never been kissed. So right when they started dating, three months into it, he planned her first kiss. But not with her, with the three best friends. And the three best friends helped him and never told her. So if I ever go full white guy with beard, those are targets one, two, and three. Sniff this letter with powder on it, try that. That's a big tool of the whites. Anthrax, whites love that ----. They send it in the mail all the time. So my daughter comes home from this evening that he has planned, and she goes, Dad, you're not going to believe this. Oh my God. So we're hammocking in the woods, and it was awesome. It was me, my boyfriend, my three best friends, and we're having a great time. Then my three best friends get up, pack up their hammocks, and just take off. I don't know what's happening. I am freaking out. So my boyfriend gets out of the hammock, and he starts walking towards me. So I get out of my hammock, because I'm kind of losing it. I see him coming towards me. I have a hoodie on. I put my hood up. He comes over, and he goes, hey. And I was like, he said, hey? She goes, yeah, he said, hey. And I was like, well, how did your panties not fall right off your feet? How is it that you are here telling me this story and not in the woods still getting pounded? I don't get it. She was like, dad, it's ridiculous. Stop. And I was like, you're right. I'm sorry. So, hey, that's where we're at. And she goes, my hood was up, and he put my hood down. And I didn't know what to do, so I put my hood back up. And he goes, oh, it's going to be like that, huh? And he leaned in to kiss me, and I panicked. I grabbed my hoodie strings, and I cinched him. How great is that? That's pretty good stuff. Listen, that's good thinking, but to me, the funniest part of that story is a teenage boy thinking that he has a slam-dunk kiss, and he leans in, and then just all of a sudden, clothes for business. I laughed at that for so long after it happened. And then I went on Amazon to see if they sell vaginal hoodies. How killer would that be? Just like, hey. He's actually a really good kid. He would be a great kid if he wasn't dating my daughter. But he is a good, he's a good kid. He was over one time for a promposal he came over. He walked right into my house without knocking, like the goddamn criminal that he is. And he had a cake that said, may I cake you to prom? He also had two cupcakes. One said yes, one said no. And my daughter grabbed the yes cupcake. She was like, oh my God, yes. Oh my God, yes. I'm so excited, yes. And I walked through, and I grabbed the no cupcake, and I slowly backed out of the kitchen. I was looking around the wall, watching their interactions. And finally, her boyfriend saw me, and he goes, oh, hi. And I go, what do you mean, oh, hi? And he goes, well, you startled me. I'm like, I shouldn't have. I'm the homeowner. This is all my ---- that you see. When you see this stuff, you should see me. Matter of fact, you ever come in here, see my stuff, don't see me, turn around, get the **** out. And my daughter's like, dad, can you stop being a jerk? And I just held up the no cupcake. One of my favorite stories about her is this. She failed her driver's test. Oh my God, she was so excited, so it was so awesome. Because she got all ready. She looked really nice. She was going to spend the whole day out before she leaves. She goes, hey, dad, going to get my license. See you later. Maybe. And then left. And then an hour later, called me for a ride home. I know. That's intense, and that's hard for me, because I love just shitting on people. So I'm driving down there, and I go, hey, man, you are older than her. You know this is not a big deal, but this could be the worst day of her life at this exact moment. So just take it easy. I'm like, all right, got it. And I get down there, and she gets in the car, and she's crying, and I go, hey, did you pass? I couldn't handle it. I could not handle it. It was too good of a moment, and I knew. But then she said, actually, I did, smartass. And I go, why am I bringing you home? She goes, well, here's what happened. I passed everything. The woman put the clipboard down after she graded me, and then I ran a red light. Yeah. How great is that ----? She goes, you have to call him, Dad. It's not fair. And I was like, do you know how I told you life isn't fair? This is the most fair thing that's ever going to happen to you. She goes, Dad, I passed everything, and then I ran a red light. I go, yeah, that's not how life works. You can't T-bone a family of four and then be like, officer, I already had my groceries. No. She ran a red light. You want to know why? Here's my opinion, TikTok. And I don't want to sound like the oldest person that's ever lived my life. TikTok is the worst. But it does, I mean, she doesn't concentrate on anything anymore. She's on her phone ******* TikTok. Oh my God. 13 seconds later. Oh, this one's sad. 12 seconds later. What the **** is going on? I mean, it's crazy. They're so fast. So crazy fast like that. I just, I don't understand it because I like an ending to things, right? Did you know in China, they can only be on TikTok for 40 minutes a day and they show them like science experiments and ---- like that. And then the TikTok version they gave us, it's just a girl just in her kitchen slapping her tits together. Just ******* back and forth. And everyone's like, I like this a lot. Bookmark. It's crazy. You ever seen a little kid watching TikTok like six years old, their eyes blink and their head ******* bounces like they're being uploaded with some Manchurian candidate bullshit. In 10 years, someone from China is going to come on TikTok and be like, kill the president. 10 million kids are just going to ******* dance all the way to Camp David. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What a stupid ******* soundbite. Jesus Christ. Hard pass on that ----. So to get back to my story, sorry about the detour. My daughter passed everything. She passed a parallel park, 90 degree back, speed, lane change, all that stuff. And then she ran a red light. That is like having sex with a rubber on, pulling out, taking it off, tying a knot, then cutting a hole and dumping it in. You were so close. Oh my God. Okay, listen to this. So my daughter, my daughter's boyfriend was over. We're going to watch a movie, right? We're watching this movie. We're all on the couch. It's me and my daughter and her boyfriend. Movie starts right away. My daughter goes, oh my God, I forgot popcorn. Takes off, goes to the kitchen to get popcorn. And then the movie is still playing. She did not hit pause. And the hardest of hardcore sex scenes came on the movie. That's how it opened. And so it's just me and her boyfriend watching this sex scene. And initially I'm like, this is pretty uncomfortable. But then I was like, why? You're the dad. So I just turned and stared at him. Then I realized he had not breathed in almost two minutes. So I was like, I need to ask him a question so he answers it, so he will breathe. But I didn't have a question ready. So I just go, how do you think he's doing? What would you do? She looks 18. That's a good place to start, huh? Got her up on the wall pretty quickly. I don't know if I agree with that. Take your time. Feels better for the woman. Goes in easier for the guy. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you guys have to get to church? Why would you groan at that? Why aren't we telling boys the real ----? How many more vaginas need to be ruined by these knowledgeless little assholes? I'm going to tell you something. That's the truth. Little boys have all the porn on their phone with none of the explanation. Porn should have to come with a where are they now? Right? Just like, Rebecca took it on her forehead one month ago and still has pink eye. Or, we noticed you watch this cream pie video and then it's just two people pushing a stroller down the street. It's a big issue. You can't have little kids watching porn and not be able to explain it to them because you're going to have a 15-year-old boy go, oh, I can't wait to go down on my girlfriend. It's like, dude, you have braces. You can't go down on your girlfriend with braces. Her vagina's going to look like Rambo's back. You need to fix your teeth and then we'll talk about hobbies or whatever. But that's how we do it, right? That is. We don't talk about sex. Guys don't talk about sex with one another. I mean, we do. We'll be like, oh, I got laid. But we don't talk about details because we don't want to be wrong. That would be embarrassing. We don't want it to seem like we don't know something. There's so much machismo in male culture where it's just like, I've known how to **** since I came out of my mom, dude. Matter of fact, on my way out, flicked her bean, let her know what was up. That's how some men think. It's crazy. You're allowed to be wrong. And by the way, if you're a dude and you're like, oh, this is ridiculous, the woman you're sitting next to is laughing so hard right now. Why are you fighting it? We don't have to know everything. I'm going to share something that I didn't know until my late 20s. And I've known it for a while now, obviously, but hot tub sex doesn't always feel good for ladies because it's a fake wet. Listen to the ******* stunned silence in here. I don't know if you don't believe me or if you're just absorbing the information. And we should have known that. We should have known it didn't feel good when it slid in and screeched to a halt and then slid in a little further and screeched to another halt. If that was above water, it would sound like a basketball game. Just skit, skit, skit, skit, skit. Skit, skit, skit, skit, skit, skit. Her dad walks by, who's winning? ------- not her. Because no one told me. Until men decide to share information with other men, we should be forced to, before we do something to a vagina, do it to our throat with our fingers first. I know a lot of dudes hate this theory and it's only women clapping right now. But that way, if you're like, I think I ripped my throat! It's like, well, cut your ******* fingernails. That one is not street legal, dude. You gotta put that on the shelf till it's ready. I can't wait to get an email from a woman that's like, my husband drowned in our hot tub finger-banging his throat last night trying to figure out your ******* riddle. And that's gonna be awesome because I don't get a lot of thank you emails. It's true, I don't. So my daughter's 18, what does that mean? It means she has a period. What does that mean? You okay with periods, lady? I expect a man to get grossed out, but a ******* woman, she has a period. Do you not have periods? It's been a trip? Oh, oh, I understand, because now you just tilted your head and went, it's a bad trap. I see where the heckling's coming from. Your 27th white claw. Oh, it's a Miller Lite. Oh, so just to be clear, you're too ******* cool and strong for white claws, but periods shut you down, is that right? Well, I'm gonna tell you a story about my daughter. She has a period, and what does she do when that happens? She puts a tampon into her body. When that's full, she takes it out. She puts that in the trash, and then my dog eats that. I don't, why are some people grossed out? You have to be an adult to come to this show. If you are a man, and you have trouble with periods, you should not be able to ****, that's true. It's the same hole. You can't have all the party, none of the trouble. Oh, well, hold on, ladies. Here's one for you. You also shouldn't be grossed out, because you, you are the perioders. You have 100% of human periods, and I'm not saying you, you know, whatever, like, laugh, bleeder. It's not what I mean. I know it's not your fault you have a period. I get that. I know why you have a period. It's a tale as old as time. There was a man, and someone took a rib out of the man and made a woman. Yeah, duh, how else would you do that? Of course. Don't be stupid. A lot of people think Dahmer was a monster. Maybe he was just trying to make more women. So someone took a rib out of the man, made a woman. One day, the rib lady ate an apple. And now my dog brings me tampons. I should tell you, I don't think he eats the tampons. I think he'd die if he ate them. He just keeps them in his mouth and stares at you like he knows your secrets. It's like he, it's like a dip, like he has a dip in. And he's just like, oh, hunting sucks with a hangover, so I threw this in, see if that'll help. Either this or a Bloody Mary. Oh, you didn't like that one? Well, let's continue. My dog is a golden doodle, which means he has a fluffy white mustache three weeks out of every month. Oh, but that fourth week comes out of the bathroom like Yosemite Sam. Hey there, rabbit! Tampon season. And he just stares at you. I'm into this, because I think we could make a lot of money. If we all put in $10, we could start a dog food company. I'll be the spokesperson. I'll come out for the commercial. I'll be like, hey guys, can't get your dog to eat? You ever tried shed uterine lining? Because you can bury that ---- three counties away, and that'll be back by bedtime, son. And we're rich, just like that. The first time my dog brought a tampon out of the bathroom, I spazzed, and I was like, that is not yours! Put it down! And he dropped it right where he was. And I was like, I did not think this through. I should have waited until he got closer to the trash can. Damn it. So I went in the kitchen to grab some tongs to pick up the tampon, but I could not find the tongs. My daughter must have put the dishes away, so they were like in the garage or medicine cabinet or some ---- like that. So I grabbed two butter knives and I made my own chopsticky tongs. And I went over and I grabbed the tampon. I put that in the trash. I put the knives in the trash. Because yeah, I know you can wash knives, but um, can you forget? I don't think so. I think you'd be making a peanut butter jelly sandwich in two years going, oh ****, was it this one? At that point, you're better off throwing away two butter knives than finding two friends that don't like butter. I used to get mad when he brought me tampons, but now I'm like, well, she's not pregnant. Who's a good boy? Who's the best boy? People ask me why I don't talk about my son anymore on stage that much. And I'll tell you, it's because he's 23. He's old. He's got his own life. He's engaged. He's got cats. He's got a full-time job. And he called me and he goes, well, thank you. Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad. And he's found a passion and that's great. And he called me one time and he goes, hey dad, I'm leaving for a week. Can you come watch my cats? And I was like, I sure can. So I went over to his apartment when he was gone and I went into the bathroom and I shaved my pubes all over his toilet seat. Before I left, I put a ruler down on the sink. I walked through the entire apartment and turned on every ******* light in the place. And he called me up and he was like, what the ****? I'm gonna kill you. And I was like, no, you're not. Locker box champ, dude. You guys were so great. Thank you very much for coming to the show. I cannot ******* believe this. Thank you. You're amazing. Wow. Flood the rink.