You will Keep Attracting Narcissistic Partners until you do THIS

I was so scared of being abandoned in the future that I was actively abandoning myself in the present. Everyone else's needs came before my own. Heck, I didn't even know what needs I was allowed to have. But that only led to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I refused to set a standard for what I would tolerate, but then I constantly felt taken advantage of. I refused to hold them accountable for their hurtful behavior, but then I felt resentful and miserable in my relationship. I felt stuck and hopeless. The truth is, anyone can find themselves in a narcissistic relationship. Things started out fine. You felt a connection with them. They were nice and thoughtful, but slowly something started to shift. Your feelings and needs started to get dismissed. They felt attacked every time you brought something up. Why do we need to talk about that? Why are you ruining a good day? They started accusing you of hurting them, right? Which is really confusing because you were the only one willing to resolve the conflicts. You were the only one willing to take accountability and repair. But yet you were still being blamed for all the issues in the relationship. Anyone can find themselves in that type of relationship, but not everyone will stay. And please hear my heart on this. I would never victim blame anyone that gets caught up in that type of a relationship. I know what it's like to be in that spot. I know what it's like to feel trapped in a relationship that you know is not right for you. I know what it's like to feel confused all the time. And if you actually watch the rest of this video, you'll see this is not about blame or shame at all. This video is about protecting ourselves. It's about self-empowerment. It's about learning how to advocate for ourselves again. It's about setting healthy boundaries. It's about learning to trust your gut. It's about being reminded that you deserve more than the bare minimum. It's about giving ourselves grace and compassion, but also still holding ourselves accountable and being curious as to how we might find ourselves in those types of dynamics. And when I say not everyone will stay in a narcissistic relationship, that does not insinuate at all that those people deserve to be mistreated. Even if you ignored all the red flags, just like I did, you never deserve abuse or mistreatment or harm that includes emotional, physical, or psychological. But the reason I think this video is important to make is because I get messages all the time that say, Jimmy, I got out of a narcissistic relationship a year ago and it was a terrible process. And now after dating someone new for a few months, things were fine. But now I feel like they are more narcissistic than I thought they were. Now I know what some of you are thinking. The term narcissist is so overused these days. Everyone's a narcissist to some people. And listen, there's a lot of truth there. I'm not here to call anyone a narcissist. All I'm here to say is that sometimes we can actually be attracted to self-centered or narcissistic people without even realizing it. That's just not my opinion. That's backed by psychology. I remember reading in Harville Hendricks book, Getting the Love You Want. He talks about a fascinating theory that sometimes we find ourselves in similar dynamics now that we had with our parents growing up because subconsciously we think if we can heal this new dynamic in the present, it will heal our wounds of the past. And even though that sounds counterintuitive, it can actually feel safer for us to be in a dysfunctional relationship because that's what feels familiar. Now I don't know if you believe that, but some of us know deep down, sometimes we find ourselves stuck repeating patterns we don't want to. We keep dating emotionally unavailable people. We keep giving and giving and only seem to date takers. We keep being attracted to the people that make us chase them. Why do you think that is? Is it really just a coincidence? Is everyone that we date just an avoidant, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic taker? Or could it be possibly the way we're wired? We gravitate towards relationships or people that are not right for us. But before we learn how to change that, we have to first understand the hard truth that narcissistic people can only be in relationships with certain personality types. I know that sounds like I'm blaming victims. I'm not. I was one of those personality types. In order for someone to stay with a narcissistic person, they usually meet certain criteria or the relationship simply wouldn't work. So what are those criteria? First, they would have to be someone who consistently sacrifices their needs to serve someone else. They have to be a giver. The relationship simply can't work if they were a taker because relationships don't work when there's two takers, right? They would just break up. So you had to be a giver. They also have to be accommodating and considerate. They have to be kind and forgiving because there's going to be a lot that needs forgiven. They have to be used to giving second and third and fourth chances because you wanted it to work, right? You had hope that things could change for the better. You were optimistic. They have to be someone willing to listen and validate the narcissistic person's pain because let's just be honest, you were willing to empathize with them, weren't you? When they said that you hurt them, you said, oh my gosh, I didn't mean to hurt you. Let's talk about this so we can make it right. But when you told them something that they did that hurt you, is that what they said? Because my guess is they said something along the lines of your feelings aren't my problem or that never even happened or you're just being too sensitive. Someone that stays with a narcissistic person has to be loyal because not everyone would stay by the side of a person that starts calling them names or accusing you of things that you didn't do. Not everyone would stay once they started devaluing and dismissing and validating you and being a walking double standard. I mean, just think what would happen if you treated them the exact same way that they treat you. It's a scary thought, isn't it? So you have to be loyal, but you also have to be submissive. It's your job to stay quiet, right? They're allowed to bring something up and remind you of how you're not measuring up, but you're not allowed to do that or else you're attacking them because they are always the victim, right? The sad truth is a narcissistic person has to be with someone who avoids confrontation, avoids setting any boundaries, and they need someone that has low self-esteem and low self-worth. They need someone who questions themselves and thinks, maybe I'm the problem here. Because that's what I hear from countless victims of narcissistic relationships. They think maybe I could have done something differently. Even if they were emotionally and psychologically abused for years, at the end of it all, they still feel like maybe it was my fault somehow. That's what a narcissistic person banks on. You questioning yourself. I mean, just think about it. Do they ever question themselves? Do they ever question if they could have done something differently, said something in a different way? No, of course not. Because they're arrogant and selfish and entitled. And yet that's exactly what they call you, isn't it? And the person who gets stuck in these types of relationships long term believes them. Maybe it is my fault. And I think part of that might be because you have a lot of pain in your past. This isn't the first time that you've been neglected emotionally or physically. This isn't the first time that you were dismissed or invalidated, is it? This isn't the first time that you've been blamed and labeled as the problem. No, you've heard that before. So let me just remind you, let me be a competing voice in your head. You deserve the same kindness and respect that you're giving out to everyone else. You're a good person. No, of course you're not perfect, but you still deserve to be considered and loved and valued and cherished and appreciated. You deserve someone who is just as concerned with actually hearing and understanding your pain as you are with finding the perfect words so they don't feel attacked. Tell yourself that until you believe it because it's true. You deserve love. And love never calls names and puts down. Love never mocks or belittles you. We have to remember that just because someone says they love us has nothing to do with whether or not they know what that word means. Because love means serving and sacrificing for someone else. Love means being a safe place for them where they don't have to walk on eggshells or tiptoe around out of fear of setting you off or being abused. Love is about consideration and thoughtfulness. Those qualities are wonderful. It's not wrong to be a giver, but we have to find other givers to give to, right? Because so often givers are empaths and empaths have a tendency to want to help and heal and those are great qualities. I wanted to save people with my love, but narcissistic people don't want to be saved. They don't want to do the work of healing. They want to use you. And I didn't have the strength to leave because I was afraid of being alone. But I can promise you, you will never feel more alone than in the wrong relationship. A narcissistic person will always need their partner to be passive and submissive because they believe they are more important than everyone else. They believe they are entitled to treat you however they want to, and we're too afraid of being alone that we won't stand up to them. And this certainly isn't intended to make you feel any shame, right? I've forgiven myself for the situations that I allowed myself to be in. I've forgiven myself for what I tolerated and how long I tolerated for. This is not about shame or blame. This is all about forgiveness and self-empowerment. I didn't know that setting healthy boundaries was actually the loving thing to do. Because just think about it. When you love someone, you want to know their boundaries. You want to know their limits, don't you? The things that they are and aren't comfortable with. You want to know their needs, how they feel loved and prioritized and valued most. Here's my only question. Don't you deserve that type of love as well? If that's what you believe love is, sacrifice, consideration, service, thoughtfulness. If that's what we know love is, why are we so quick to tolerate someone refusing to do those things for us? Because my theory is deep down, you're not sure if you believe you're worthy of that. And this goes back to the shame and low self-worth that I was talking about. I'm not saying you're wrong to struggle with that. It makes perfect sense why you struggle with that. I'm just reminding you that that voice in your head is wrong. You are worthy of kindness. You are worthy of respect. You deserve to be considered by someone who says they love you. You're not too much or not enough. We're all on this healing journey together. Nobody's perfect, but you're willing to take accountability when you're not. Are they? Because that's what we need to realize. A narcissistic self-centered person will literally cause disconnection in the relationship and then blame you for feeling disconnected. That's the truth that we need to cement in our brain. A narcissistic person is actively destroying a relationship because relationships aren't all that complicated. They just require consistent trust, equality, consideration, and respect. That's pretty much it. A narcissistic person is systematically destroying those. They chronically break trust in large and small ways. There's no equality. In fact, there's a power imbalance. You would never get away with talking to them or treating them the way that they do you. There's no consideration unless they're love bombing you, right? But the rest of the time, they're completely self-absorbed, only caring about their inner needs. That means that they are actively destroying what any relationship needs to survive because there's no room for self-centeredness in a relationship. There's no room for pride or arrogance. There's no room for being completely unwilling and unable to have difficult conversations and still maintain respect for your partner. You and I both know that that destroys any and all trust and closeness in a relationship, right? So that means the only way a relationship like this survives is if they find someone who says, I'll do the emotional work of two people. I'll take all the accountability. I'll take all the blame. I'll suppress my needs and wants. I'll make the best of a bad situation. And I just need to lovingly remind you that that's not love. That's a trauma bond. And it's not your fault that you find yourself in one, but it is your responsibility to move in a healthy direction, to stay safe and set yourself up for success and a mutually fulfilling relationship, which is completely possible for you, but not if you continue tolerating behavior that isn't even close to acceptable. And this isn't about perfection because I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, yeah, but I've made mistakes too. You have to stop thinking that somehow you've done something to deserve to be treated like this. That's simply not true. You have to stop making excuses for them or this relationship. If you know that you would never treat them the way that they treat you, something's wrong. If it makes you sick to think about your son or daughter being treated the exact same way that you're being treated right now, something's wrong. This isn't about perfection. This is about intention. What's their intention? Because your intent is to have a safe, connected, equal, considerate relationship with someone. What's theirs? What's their vision for this relationship? What goals are we working towards together? Is it equality? Mutual fulfillment? Then how come they're so quick to dismiss and invalidate and call you crazy or worse every time you share a concern? How come they only consider themselves? I mean, they know how to get their needs met, but yours? Not so important. How come they lie? How come they manipulate and control and refuse to take any accountability? They're always the victim in every situation. They're highly critical of you, yet refuse to take any feedback from you. How come they use your vulnerabilities against you? How come they're always the center of attention, right? They deserve praise, but they can't show you the bare minimum levels of appreciation. At some point, we have to be honest with ourselves. We aren't in a partnership. We might be in a relationship with them, but there's no room for honesty. There's no empathy here. There's no ability to have difficult conversations and both of you still be loving and respectful. That's not a partnership, right? So the question is, what do we do now? Well, first we have to stop thinking that we can change them. Stop giving them second chances that they didn't earn. Stop thinking you can change this situation. It's not flexible. They don't want to change. They simply don't want to lose you, right? They don't have any interest in actually changing. They just don't want you to leave. That's why they only change for 24 hours after your fights, because they know how to appease you. You will keep attracting narcissistic people until someone being emotionally unsafe and refusing to hold space for your vulnerability completely turns you off. You will keep attracting narcissistic people until self-centeredness immediately gives you the ick. You will keep attracting narcissists until you can see a power balance from a mile away and it doesn't make you want them to chase you or like you or be chosen by you. It makes you feel sorry for them. Because a narcissistic person will bait you into a fight just so you'll overreact so they can use it against you later. Because the game plan for the narcissist starts out with deny, deny, deny, right? Deny they did anything wrong. Deny that happened. Deny that they hurt you. That wasn't their intent. You shouldn't have taken it that way. But eventually the evidence against them will stack so high up that they have to switch strategies. So the new strategy is, yeah, but you mistreat me too. Now sometimes they'll say that even if there's no evidence against you, but it's so much better if they actually have evidence. So all they have to do is bait you into a fight where you lose your cool and all that unprocessed anger that you've been suppressing comes out. All that neglect that you felt comes out and you scream at them or you lose your temper in some way. And now they have evidence. And I'm not going to get into reactive abuse and how it's not really your fault that you lashed out or exploded. Because at the end of the day, our actions are our responsibility, right? We should all be able to agree on that. Nobody makes us do anything. Now was it wrong for them to neglect you a hundred percent? Was it wrong for them to manipulate you and bait you into a fight and call you those names and say those lies? Of course it was. Of course it was wrong, but it's still our responsibility to know our triggers. It's our responsibility to know who we're arguing with. I know what it's like to be baited into an argument. I know what it's like to start to feel so unheard and misquoted and intentionally misunderstood that I become enraged. But whose responsibility is my anger? Whose responsibility is it that I took the bait? It's mine. It's my responsibility to realize when I'm trying to convince someone who doesn't care to understand me. It's my responsibility to protect my heart and time and energy and realize when someone has no interest in listening to my perspective. They only care about their own. Absolutely other people affect us, especially in intimate relationships. It's impossible not to be affected by someone else's actions. And we have to stop acting like we don't have any role in our own actions and reactions. Okay. So what's the solution then? Well, the solution is boundaries, but I know what you're going to say. Nope. You can't set boundaries with a narcissist. It doesn't work. They just do whatever they want. Okay. Let's fully explore that. If nothing works with a narcissist, boundaries don't work. Talking doesn't work. Acting nice doesn't work. Yelling doesn't work. If nothing works, then you're completely helpless and hopeless, right? Because that's what I wanted to hear when I was in my dysfunctional relationship. I'm the victim. I'm doing everything right. They're doing everything wrong and nothing I do works. I can't change them and they are actively mistreating me, but I won't leave. Do you see the pattern? Do you see how we can play a role in our own stuckness? Sometimes it was a lot easier for me to say, you can't set boundaries with a narcissist rather than I feel helpless and powerless to change this situation where I feel so hurt and miserable in. So instead of dwelling on my hopelessness, instead of setting a standard for how we both want to be treated, instead of being vulnerable about my feelings and needs and desires, and then putting space between people who dismiss and invalidate me, because that's really hard and really scary. I'll just get my PhD in learning about narcissism. I'll research ways to communicate without triggering someone. I'll read books on how to heal trauma. I'll learn about narcissistic behavior and why they do the things that they do. I mean, after all, maybe they're just avoidantly attached, right? Maybe they're not fully a narcissist. When in reality, I was simply just scared of what needed to be done, which is standing up for myself and loving myself and setting healthy boundaries with people who didn't have my best interest in mind. And we fall into this trap of asking ourselves over and over again, are they really a narcissist? Maybe they're just avoidantly attached. Maybe it's their trauma from when they were growing up. And the answer is it doesn't matter. Their behavior is what matters and their behavior is not acceptable or compatible with a healthy, safe relationship. Quit trying to change them. When you ask yourself that question, maybe they're just avoidantly attached. What you're saying is maybe I can change them. When really what you need to be asking is if they never change, could I still be in this relationship and feel good? And yes, when you're in an intimate relationship, we should both be changing to a degree for the good of the relationship. Absolutely. But they've already told you they aren't interested in changing because they aren't the problem. You are. Remember, the solution isn't hyper analyzing and trying to reverse psychology them into treating you better. The solution isn't to understand them so well that you can figure out a way that they will actually want to understand you. The solution is to say out loud, maybe even just to yourself at first. This relationship doesn't work for me. Because the truth is you can set boundaries even with a narcissist. It's called no contact. And that's the best example of a boundary. You don't have to agree with why I'm setting it for me to enforce it. That's a boundary. And I don't actually want you to set boundaries with dangerous people. I want you to remove yourself from dangerous situations. You don't need to set communication boundaries with someone who's abusive, right? Who's going to continue yelling at you or calling you names. You simply need to stop talking and remove yourself. That's the boundary. And I'm not saying any of this is easy. For most of us, we've completely entangled our lives into these relationships. Telling you to end a toxic relationship is like asking you to hold your breath underwater for five minutes. It's like, sure, that sounds awesome, but it's not going to work. I'm not saying it's not going to hurt. And I'm not saying it's not going to be hard. I'm asking you, is it necessary? And maybe you're thinking, maybe it's not necessary, right? That's the point. Maybe I just haven't found the right solution. But once again, you're missing it. Why aren't they looking for a solution? Why are you the only one? Why haven't they cracked a book? Why haven't they watched one video on relationship dynamics, except for the ones that you forcefully send them? Because they don't care. They don't see anything wrong. They will never change if they don't actually believe it's necessary. People only change when they have to. Now your problem is going to be once you finally end things, they're going to say, oh, I'll do anything, right? I'll go to counseling. I'll read that book with you. Well, why didn't they do that before? Because they didn't want to. And the only reason they're doing it now is because they don't want to lose you. Now it's up to you. Sometimes the relationship can heal and they'll get the help that they need and the relationship is actually better long-term. Other times, it's not even that they're being manipulative. They just don't want to lose a good thing. So they'll do the work for a time, but it's not actually who they want to be or become. It's not them. So they'll just fall back into their normal pattern. They'll read that one relationship book. They'll go to counseling as many times as you make them, but then it's just back to normal. That doesn't always make them a bad person. It just means that they're not your person. The only way to find the right relationship for you is one, you have to be willing to step away from the ones that aren't right. Okay. But how do I know if it's right for me? Well, you won't feel confused all the time. You won't feel like you have to earn this person's love. You won't walk on eggshells, right? You won't feel blamed and shamed all the time. That's not love. And two, you have to get back to the basics. What do I need in a relationship to feel valued and loved and prioritized? If you can't answer that because you've spent a lifetime over functioning and placing everyone else's needs, wants, and desires above your own, that's your first clue that you were set up to be taken advantage of. And that has to stop. You need to know yourself again, heal from your own trauma, break those trauma bonds, spend some time learning about your needs, set some healthy boundaries, swing the pendulum back towards the middle, right? Because you're, you're way over here on selflessness. You need to get back to the middle because so often it's not just that we're selfless. We view ourselves as less. There's a lot of shame in there, right? Feelings of being too much or not enough, right? Wanting to be chosen by them, wanting to be liked. I was putting on a mask for decades because I just wanted to be liked and chosen. I didn't even know who the real me was. Find the real you. Spoiler alert, you are not for everyone. That's a good thing. You're not looking to date everyone. You're looking to date the right people for you. And that can't happen if you don't even know who you are or who your ideal partner is. What are you actually looking for in a partner? Once again, I'm not talking about perfection, just someone who's kind and warm and considerate and respectful. What does that mean to you? What type of person do you want to become, right? I want to become someone who can show up as their authentic self. I want to be honest and vulnerable. That doesn't mean being a jerk. It just means I can actually talk about my feelings and needs and desires and visions and dreams and not feel shame. I want to trust my gut when something's off because your gut knew that this person wasn't safe a long time ago. But just like me, you stayed because of all the reasons that we've already talked about. Explore those with a counselor, right? Get some help in why it feels so hard to leave even relationships that you know aren't right for you because you're not flawed. You're not broken. You're not damaged goods. You're not a mess. You're human. And you went through some really rough stuff in your childhood. And there might be part of you that have been conditioned to find chaos and dysfunction normal. That's the issue. Your nervous system doesn't recognize this unacceptable behavior for what it is. Your brain is simply trying to protect you. But sometimes it does that by putting you back in situations that it recognizes. Oh, hey, dysfunction, you have to earn love. You need to place their stuff above your own in order to feel accepted. This feels right. Let's stay here. We have to retrain our brains. We have to rewire the system, right? It's going to feel weird at first, but we need to get clear again on what we believe every relationship needs to be successful and mutually fulfilling. This isn't my opinion. This isn't your opinion. Read any relationship book. Talk to someone who studies this stuff because they've called you needy for so long. You're not even sure anymore. You think maybe I am too needy, right? But you're probably not. You were just asking for the bare minimum levels of consideration and thoughtfulness. You were just asking for someone to be able to have discussions with you and it not turn into a huge fight because you were asking them to take some accountability. You were just looking for some consistency and transparency. You were asking for basic levels to maintain trust and connection in a relationship. And you were met with why are you so needy? And you responded in your head with maybe they're right. But once again, you're the only one questioning yourself. They've never asked themselves that. And there's an element to healing where you have to learn how to tap into your anger in a healthy way. Because so far you've tapped into it in unhealthy ways. You're passive-aggressive with them. You're critical. Maybe you roll your eyes. You drop hints. You get into fights with them. You gotta stop all that. You need to get in touch with your anger and learn about what you deserve and learn about your needs and get clear on the type of partner that you're looking for. Get angry, but also get clear and grounded. Let your anger lead towards safety. Tap into what you would feel if your best friend was being treated the exact same way that you're being treated. What would you tell them? What would you feel for them? Would you tell them expend all their energy on focusing on their partner and trying to diagnose their partner and trying to get them to change? No, you would say they don't deserve you. And if it feels uncomfortable to talk about what you deserve in a relationship, that's fine. Set a standard for what you know any relationship needs. Write it down. I know relationships need these things in order to be mutually fulfilling for both partners. Okay, great. Is that my relationship? Yes or no? No. Okay. Have they shown any indication that they are willing to change? Yes or no? Not. Could they change? Not. Could my current relationship become this healthy relationship? No. Have they shown any indication that they are willing to move towards healthy, safe and respectful? No. Okay. Then as hard as it is to admit the balls in your court now, take the focus off them and put it back on us. Why are we still here? Because there's a reason and it's not about them. It's about us. We're scared to leave. The way we stop attracting narcissistic or emotionally unavailable or self-centered people is to face our fear and realize that we're not being abandoned. We've actually already been abandoned every time they broke trust and refused to prioritize what any relationship needs. They've already abandoned us. So face our fear of being alone. Realize that we're not alone. We have friends and family and a support system. And if we don't have that, then that's our first priority because a toxic relationship oftentimes isolates us, doesn't it? Two, we stop attracting narcissistic people when we become clear and driven about the life that we want to live. Because my personality type was to mold to your life, right? I didn't feel complete unless I was in a relationship. I needed you to choose and accept me in order for me to feel whole. And that set me up to fail. We cannot be searching for validation of our own worth and value externally. It has to come internally or else we risk getting caught up in situations and dynamics like these. We need a strong internal compass, right? This isn't about becoming so scared that we build up walls to protect ourselves. It's simply about growing our discernment for who we are open and vulnerable with. The goal isn't hyper independence. The goal is safe interdependence and being honest with ourselves and having the confidence and clarity to know in what direction is this relationship headed in. Yes, it hurts when it's not headed in the right direction, but from a grounded place, we can choose to redirect back on a healthy path, even if they refuse to do so. And having the ability to do that is actually what will make all the difference in finding the right person for us. I know you've got this. Keep your head up. Keep giving yourself grace and compassion and forgiveness, but also hold yourself accountable. And I can't wait to see you in the next one.