James Mattern Live Stream | New York Comedy Club

Sir, I'm a three-time widower. Oh my God, sir, that is horrible. I'm so sorry. What happened? Well, son, my first wife died eating poisonous mushrooms. What? Oh no, sir, that is brutal. What happened to the second wife? Well, she also died eating poisonous mushrooms. No. What? Sir, I don't want to ask, but I feel like I have to. What happened to the third wife? Gunshot to the back of the head. Give a round of applause for Mr. James Maddern. One more time for Jessica. She's doing the Lord's work. Greetings, everybody. Let's start this off. First of all, my name is James Tiberius Maddern V. I'm going to do a quick nine-hour set. I hope everyone's okay with this. Look, I'm very honest and transparent. I usually host. Look, I'm going to do something different tonight. I don't know how the **** it's going to go. I've done it once before, never on a live stream, never in New York. I did it in the suburbs of Philadelphia, and they're like, whatever you do, punch a dog. We don't give a ----, all right? I was worried, I'm going to be honest, that this audience would be too below 14th Street. I'm just going to be honest. Average age, embryo, but this is good. There's some people who look like they pay taxes, and I'm into that ----, all right? I like this basketball team. Hi, guys, all right. I love this dude. You've seen some ----, huh? If anyone here has ever had CBGBs, it's this ************, all right? For the young people, CBGBs was this club where people vomited and played guitar. Whatever, man. I'm doing 90 minutes. I mean, this is the buffest son of a bitch I've ever... I mean, half of you guys look like you study MMA, and half of you look like you teach history. It's ******* wild. Four professors from a liberal arts school, they're muscle. This guy, he's ready to fight. This is great. I don't know if this is a modern couple. One dude, I don't know. ------- Pat Smear from Nirvana and Foo Fighters. So Foo Fighters' singer was in a band called Nirvana. I don't have time for this. I don't know if this is going to be mic'd correctly. It's a big **** around. I might look here. I might just play a chord and rip. I don't give a ----. This is great. Black folk, you're looking at me wild. I'm sorry. I usually do better with black folk than white folk. I don't want to lose you because I have this, but you seem good. I came off in non-white rooms. When people laugh, they ******* move. They burn calories, okay? White people don't laugh. They stare at you, go home and write a blog. I'm not reading ----. I love it. In three months, American Gladiators back on the air, and this guy's ******* going to be in it. Look at the new Nitro. I should probably do more time up front. No one cares. I might do a Q&A. I mean, you two are getting younger by the minute. What's going on? These two goddamn tadpoles. She's dressed like second season of Stranger Things. Whatever. Can they stop taking breaks with this ******* show? They're all collecting Social Security in the new ******* season. It doesn't... Look, that was just an ad-lib. It went poorly, okay? I thought that line would do better. This whole act... I haven't seen this many waters at a comedy show since I dropped off my ex at an AA meeting. Like, this is ******* wild. Did you know what you're expecting tonight? I'm going to tune one string. This is going to be nerve-wracking. Yeah, I'm going to tune one string. That's in the act. I heard someone repeat it like it was an act. No. Everything I've done so far was written. I am one of these professionals. I opened with... I knew that the most muscular man in the history of life was going to be here next to this badass who generated a tattoo 12 seconds into this ******* show. He didn't have one. Next to this couple, which is clearly the mayor and the mayor's wife from a ******* suburb somewhere in Connecticut, all right? Now, if you laugh too hard, I can't tell if I'm in A. I just really can't, guys. Look, we're just going to **** around. You didn't know what to expect. Look, can we be blunt? The world's coming to an end. Have fun. Have fun. What do you care? I mean, there's all kinds of ---- going on. Don't boo. Yeah, I'm not the one who can stop it, everybody. All right? All right. Guys, can we hear this? Can everyone in the back hear? I mean, let's be honest. This room is the size of an ant's asshole, so if you're in the background, you can't hear it. You should go to the doctor. Let's just be blunt about that ----. Do we need a footnote for that? Doctors are these things who used to go to whatever. All right, can you guys hear it? Because if you don't, then it really defeats the ******* purpose, and I'm going to be honest. I'm a very confident person. I'm very confident on stage. I am ******* nervous tonight, and if you don't hear it, like, the back row all looks like they only go to Columbia to protest, so I need... Let it out, boys. Keep it in its gas. Let it the **** out. Can you hear that, everybody? Why do I sound like a... Why do I sound like a substitute teacher now? Guys, if you do your homework for ten minutes, we'll watch a ******* movie, okay? I'm old enough. The only movie I ever watched was Goonies. Enough. Baby Ruth, I know you'd love it. I love this guy. I wish you were my dad. I don't think you're old enough, but whatever. All right, guys. This is going to be exciting. Who do you want? Some Taylor Swift girls? You know, that's all I listen to. That's all I ******* listen to. She's my mentor. That's why I just record the same song every month differently, all right? Nick, I'm going to do the original, and then we'll go to another one. Who cares? An old guy and a young guy are sitting on a park bench, and the young guy is mad giddy-o. And the old guy is like, Hey, young fella, you seem quite excited. And the young guy is like, I am, sir. I'm getting married. Well, congratulations, son. I remember my first marriage. Your first marriage, son? How many times have you been married? Sir, I'm a three-time widower. Oh, my God, sir. That is horrible. I'm so sorry. What happened? Well, son, my first wife died eating poisonous mushrooms. What? Oh, no, sir. That is brutal. What happened to the second wife? Well, she also died eating poisonous mushrooms. No. What? Sir, I don't want to ask, but I feel like I have to. What happened to the third wife? Gunshot to the back of the head. Excuse me? A what to the back of the what? Yes, son, a gunshot to the back of the head. Sir, what happened? Well, she refused to eat the mushrooms. That was the first one. You don't have to clap. You laughed. That's good enough. I got 84 more of these, so stay put. Back row, did you get that or no? I'll spell them out. Whatever the **** you need. That's a lot of enthusiasm for people under 25. What is this, the election Tuesday? All right, good. You keep waiting for words, and I just play this for the next 12 minutes of this. Like I'm Andy Coffman. Andy Coffman with the dagger. He also would read the Great Gatsby. It was great, guys. Man in the Moon's Wild. You doing good, kid? No more comedy. You versus this guy, straight up. Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. Thinks he's a chicken. Flaps his arms like wings. He clucks all about the house. You got to help me, doc. Well, you got to bring him in right away. You got to commit him to get him the help he needs. Well, I don't know, doc. What do you mean, you don't know? He clucks like a chicken. He flaps his arms like they're wings. You got to bring him in. You got to commit him. You got to get him the help he needs. I don't know, doc. You know, in this economy, I really need the eggs. This is going exactly how I thought. It's taking everyone under 30 a second to get these. I'm not mad at you. And everyone else is like, Fuck yeah, I feel like my no-no's here. After he drinks seven NSX. All right. Are we doing fine? I could go back to traditional comedy. I could do more crowd work. It's different, and I got balls, and this man is getting more muscular by the minute. You did good, miss. But I love my fellow ball guy. Let's go, huh? Let's go. Fifth grade. When did you start losing it? Eighteen. Did you hear that? The usual way to say it is age or a few years ago. The other day, I'm hosting a 6 p.m. show. 6 p.m. on a Monday. Crowd's tight. Lights out. The sun's out. People think Jesus is watching. They're not laughing. Also, you ready for this? AIDS benefits. So everyone was tight. Yeah. You guys are tight just hearing about it. I've hosted a million benefits. The better the benefit, the tougher the audience. AIDS, cancer, great causes, bad audiences, whatever. First three minutes went great. I saw a fellow ball guy. I go, my dude, may I ask you, when did you start losing your hair? And he goes, no, I heard, oh, AIDS, not cancer. I'm not an asshole, all right? I'm not an asshole. Jesus. I'm not. Hey, how's that remission going, fella? I'm not. But I go, when did you start losing your hair? And he goes, 9-11. Who the **** says that? At an AIDS benefit, 6 p.m. on a Monday. And I go, I don't want to ask you this, but when did you, like, why did you say that? Were you there? Did that cause your hair to lose? Did you catch mesothelioma or whatever? Those commercials are still, he goes, no, man, I was in Australia. Then what the **** are we doing? You can't say the worst American tragedy for your hair loss and you're in Brisbane. You can't. Why are you scratching your arm? Oh, I got eczema. When did you get that? You know, Pearl Harbor. Fuck you. Oh, no, excuse me. I like this one. This one's fun. What if I didn't like half of them and I just made me go through them anyway? What if I was like a band from the 70s just still playing their hits? Hey, hey, hey. Hey, you guys like cold as ice? Yeah. We don't either, but we're foreigner. What else are we going to play? Guy's driving down the street. He sees a penguin walking. He slows down, picks it up, and off they go. They are spotted by a police officer who abruptly pulls him over. Boy, don't you know it's highly illegal to drive with a penguin around here? I know, officer, I know, but he was just by himself walking. It wasn't safe. I had to pick him up. I just had to. I'll get your point, boy. I'll tell you what. You promised to take this here penguin to the zoo, and I'll take this ticket and rip it off. Deal, deal. Thank you, officer. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I'm going to take this penguin straight to the zoo. And he did. One week later, same dude, same penguin, same car spotted by the same police officer, and boy, he's pissed. Boy, did I tell you to take this goddamn penguin to the goddamn zoo? I did, officer. I did take him to the zoo. Today, I'm taking him to the movies. We're just going to keep going. I think they're all about animals. We're just going to f***ing do it. Guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, has a sip, and he hears a random voice. There's a f*** over his shoulder. He sees no one. He has another sip. It's really good. It's a good whiskey. Here's another voice. Houston, wait. You look buff like that guy in the front row. Looks over his shoulder again. He still sees nothing. He's now starting to get concerned. But he orders another drink, has another sip. Here's yet another voice. Yo, you don't look a day over 30, really. He finally had enough. He goes to the bartender. Hey, did you hear that? He's like, oh yeah. It's the peanuts. They're complimentary. I thought that one would do better. What the f***? We're not set up the right way. I got the light. I'm going to do nine more now, motherf***ers. We're staying to the 2028 election. Have fun, kids. You thought Tuesday was fun. Wait until it's Barron Trump versus Hunter Biden's laptop. All right? Boy, I haven't even looked at this side of the room. You look puzzled as s***. One girl, three dudes. I don't know who's getting traffic, but whatever. Give it a chance. It's probably gas. Look. Get the f*** out of here. And then you guys can go and give them bad Yelp reviews because a guy came up with a f***ing six-string ukulele doing street jokes. You guys in the back realize these are street jokes. That's what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm mad at you. Why am I your stepdad? I'm sorry, guys. Can you guys behave so I can go to the other room and f*** your mother? Like, what are we doing? None of you had a stepdad? Lucky. Another guy walks into a bar. You see a trend? It happens a lot, guys. There's a lot of guys. I don't know if you realize this. A lot of you guys after this show are going to walk into a bar. And I could talk about it next time. Who knows? This guy walks into the bar with a dog. And the bartender's like, what are you doing, man? You can't bring a dog in here, dude. We don't serve dogs. The guy's like, yo, man, this ain't an average dog. He can f***ing talk. The bartender's like, what? I'll tell you what. If this dog can talk, I'll give you a crisp $50 bill. But if he can't, I'm kicking both of you straight out the door, baby. The guy's like, you're on, man. I ain't worried about that. So the guy turns to his dog and he goes, hey, Fido, what's this? He points it at the top of his mouth and the dog goes, Ruff! He's like, yes, Fido, yes. What's the top of this building called? He's like, Ruff! And who's the greatest baseball player of all time? Ruff! The bartender saw enough, dude. He's like, he turns to the guy, kicks him to the chest, straight out the door. Pow! And he turns to the dog and kicks him in his little doggy chest. Straight out the door, baby! The dog picks himself up, turns to his owner and goes, You think I should have said DiMaggio? This is the last one. It's come a long way. Real sweet one. Everyone knows it. Have fun, guys. These guys are aging. I love you kids. Good head of hair, huh? Look at you boys. You couldn't go bald if you tried. Okay. Guys, this is it. Whether you like it or not, I'm leaving. I'm gonna tell you, what I did tonight was genius. I had the balls to come up here. I'm playing sloppy. I don't know if you can tell. There's probably some guitar snobs. I don't care. All right? This is all horse ----. I still snuck in. I snuck in. I made up words. I snuck in jokes. I did crowd work. This man, I'm like a goddamn creatine to him. I saw you at the beginning of the show. He didn't have muscles. You left. While you were gone, Elon came out, rehired the whole government. Yeah. I like a delayed laugh. I like people laughing in a different time zone. It's a lot of fun. Tell a joke in New York, get a laugh in Chicago. Look, there's a great chance you're gonna hate this one. That's why I'm closing it. It's a peaceful day in the valley. And there's a field full of cows. 20, 30, 40, who can count? They're just beautiful. They're doing milking, mooing, they're grazing, they're playing all the hits. And on a hill are two bulls. A father and a son. And the son is young, so he's very rambunctious. And after staring at these cows, he's had enough. He turns to the dad, he's like, Dad, let's run down there and take one of those cows. Yeah! Slow down, young fellas, and the dad to the son. I got a better idea. Let's walk down there and f*** them all. Come on! F*** them all! Join in! F*** them all! Yeah, f*** them all, just like life. Well, I didn't want to tell you this. You were very good. I'm submitting this to Nickelodeon, so I really appreciate Alright, that's the end of the show. Thanks, guys. That's it.