How Do We Refuse A $100,000 Gift From Family?

[Music] Brought to you by the Every Dollar app. Start budgeting for free today. My husband and I recently just got married. Um, and my grandma and aunt couldn't be at the wedding, but they want to send us a large monetary gift. Um, but my husband and I, we both agree that we don't want to receive that gift. Um, however, my mom says it's disrespectful to not take it cuz it's like a cultural tradition. And so, she went ahead and talked to my grandma and basically she told my grandma that she'll take the money like my grandma can just transfer to her and then she'll transfer it to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We don't have any cultural traditions at our house that we that we get money from a wrench aunt. So, this is a new one on me. Explain to me what the cultural tradition is. I'm confused. It's it's like um a pretty popular thing in Asian culture when like your relatives get married instead of gifting them like an actual like um gift you give them money instead. Okay. So, she's getting ready to give you a bunch of money. Are there strings attached to it? That's why we're afraid to like receive the receive the gift cuz when it comes to like money with my extended family, it feels like there's always Has this happened before? No, it's brand new. They just got married. But I mean the the context of I get money and there's strings attached sounds like you have some serious hesitations because generally if somebody wants me to send money I'll take it. I'm still a little confused here. Yeah. It it just feels like um like in the past when my grandma has sent money to my parents, it felt like there were strings attached cuz she's my grandma's always been very opinionated and involved in our family decisions. and I just don't want that for my new marriage. So, let me ask you this. Um, I if you accepted the gift, the gift didn't come with any stated strings. They're just implied by part of the tradition as an interfering mother-in-law, right? And so, um, including yours, by the way. Oh my god. I'll take the money and hold it for her. Yeah, right. Uh, yeah, that was very big of you. Um, so, um, I mean there there's no stated thing like if you take this money, we expect you to do X. It's just you're afraid they're going to think they have the right to walk in to your house anytime they want and wag their finger at you. Yeah. Okay. So, what if you took the money and then when they tried that you just said you can't do that? Meet Every Dollar Budgeters Christy and Steve. Their life is chaotic, but their money is simple because they budget with every dollar. Budgeting with the spreadsheet took a ton of time. But now with every dollar, I can do a budget in five minutes. And tracking purchases is just as simple. It's so freeing to know exactly where your money is going. It just takes that stress out of the day-to-day life. You got this, Hanigan family. Every dollar. Create your free account today. So what if you took the money and then when they tried that, you just said you can't do that. Um then they would be mad. Yeah, but they're going to be mad anyway. And they're probably going to interfere anyway, whether there's money involved or not. They probably still think they have an opinion. Yeah, that's true. But I feel like it's easier to um say no to them when there's no money involved. You just won't feel guilty. Yeah, you're going to feel guilty anyway. Guilt trips are part of your family. They're a travel agent for them. Um how much money are we talking, by the way? Um, it's supposed to be around $1 to $150,000. What's your husband say? Um, he doesn't think we should take it. Okay, then just don't take it. That's fine. Okay. Now, that Okay, so we're not going to take it. And then you understand though that when you say no thank you that there is no pleasant enough way to say that to tell people who think they have the right to walk into your life and tell you what to do that they that they're still not going to accept that. You know that right? Yeah. Yeah. Cuz I did tell my grandma no and she went around. She's like, "Oh, I already have an agreement with your mom and we'll just talk about it when she comes to visit me in person." Well, that's fine. That's fine. You can talk to mom if you want and uh but mom doesn't make my decisions. I'm married. Me and my husband make my decisions and we're not going to take it and we love you anyway. And anyway, none of you are going to come over here inside this house and tell us what to do. At the time we took that vow of uh for richer for poorer and sickness and health. U that means the rest of you don't get a vote anymore. We love you and we we respect you but we don't have to take you don't get a vote anymore. So your votes are done. Ballot box is closed. And you can be nicer than that, but you've got you're going to have to deliver that message like 46 times because your family is screwed up on this subject regardless of taking the gift or not. You got that, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Like I've done this before. Okay. So, it's it's okay. Get Dr. Henry Cloud's book, Boundaries, because when you read it, one of the first chapters is going to tell you you're not crazy. You're not. And that's good. and that this is wrong and it's not a cultural thing. It's an interference thing. Okay? You live in San Francisco. The guy you married doesn't come from the culture that you're discussing. So, the two of you get to establish a new culture, a new household, and say, "We're going to respect and love our elders and be kind to them, but they don't get a vote anymore regardless of taking the gift or not." Yeah. There's no workaround for them. And the once they realize that, you have to know they're going to be pissed. Yeah, that's true. Because boundary people that don't respect boundaries, as soon as they realize there is actually a boundary, it pisses them off. There will be a tantrum 100% of the time. Also, but also like another problem is that I I think my grandma still thinks that I will get the money whereas my mom, she's I don't care who gets the money. You don't want it. Give it to whoever. Tell them to give it to your brother. Give it to your sister. I don't care. You don't want it. Who Who do you care? Why do you care who it goes to? Well, I mean, cuz I don't It's not your job anymore. You denied the gift. If she gives it to your mom, that's between her and your mom. Yeah, but she But my grandma thinks she's giving it to me. I know. I know, but that's your grandma's problem, not yours. And between your mom and your grandma, cuz your mom now lied to grandma if the money never ended up in your hands for whatever. It's not going to end up in your hands cuz you're not going to take it. I hope. So if mom is saying, "Oh, I'll get it to her." Well, now your mom's lying. You can't run around over there and make these people behave. All you can do is keep them out of your living room. Yeah, that's it, right? And then they're going to be pissed. So just be ready, kiddo. That's how it works. Dr. Henry Cloud, the book is boundaries. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your