How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

I see this all the time in therapy. People come in feeling like crap about themselves, and then when we dig into it, they might not even realize it, but it's because they've been comparing themselves to others. That's why they feel like they are never good enough. They feel like they're never going to measure up because everyone else is happier, prettier, fitter, or more successful than they are. Now, sometimes comparison does make you miserable in a different way, like you constantly look for people who are worse than you to lift yourself up. So you might be like, oh, he's so lazy. She's so vain. He's so undisciplined. Or you do this with entire groups, right? Cops are all pigs. Blacks are all dangerous. Fill in the political party. Republicans are all bigots and stupid. And while you may feel slightly better in the short term when you compare yourself to someone you perceive as worse than you, that boost doesn't last long because it's founded in insecurity. So here's what we do know about comparison. It contributes to mental health concerns like eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, social anxiety, body dissatisfaction, jealousy, narcissism, and perfectionism. I mean, just to name a few. It could also lead to other problems like overspending to keep up with the Joneses. One study found that when someone in a neighborhood won the lottery, neighbors began making big purchases like expensive cars that they couldn't afford. So long story short, when we compare ourselves to others, it will always let us down in the long run. So let's talk about three reasons why comparison lets us down. And then we'll talk about what to do instead. So number one, comparison is a brain shortcut, but it's also a blind spot. Number two, you're outsourcing your identity. You're making yourself helpless. And number three, comparison leads to isolation and drama. Real quick, I'd like to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this video. So BetterHelp has sponsored my channel for years and they've made it possible for me to keep making videos. And here's what they can do for you. Have you ever tried to find a therapist and just given up because it's such a hassle? But check out their website, right? Like please use the link in the description. But in as little as 48 hours, you can get paired with a licensed therapist who can help you get individualized therapy from the comfort of your own home. And it's often much more affordable than therapy in a brick and mortar clinic. So they just make it really easy and convenient to get the mental health support that you need. So click the link in the description if you're curious and you just want to learn more, or if sure you are ready to start therapy, whatever, check it out. Okay, so back to number one. Comparison is not based in reality. Okay, so remember, our brain lies to us all the time. It distorts reality all the time. It takes these little cognitive shortcuts to speed things up, but that gives you blind spots. So when we compare ourselves to others, we often have what We highlight maybe what we don't like about ourselves, and then we only notice people who are better. So for example, you might say, oh, I've got the worst acne in school, or everyone is skinnier than me. And this feels true, because we selectively ignore information that doesn't support that. So we ignore all the other kids that do have acne, and we focus on the kids that don't. Or we ignore all the other people who are similar weight to me. And we, you know, just focus on everyone who looks different from myself. So your brain isn't showing you the truth, it's just showing you whatever confirms your beliefs. We also rarely see the whole person. We see what's on the outside, but we don't see all the aspects of their lives. But our brain conveniently forgets about that. So it might say something like, oh, he is so much smarter than me, I envy him, his life must be so perfect. But we don't see that his parents are super perfectionistic, or that he's actually very lonely, or really bad socially. Our judgments are often false and superficial. So we're making ourselves miserable by comparing our real life, which we know all the details of, to the stuff people show on the outside. You don't really know what's going on in their life. And, you know, like, it's easy to think of examples of this, you could make a long list of celebrities that seemed perfect on the outside, but their lives were a mess behind closed doors. So let me give you a more personal example. I have this family member who is awesome, like, she's friendly, she's super outgoing, she's easy to talk with, she's super chill. And these are like so many traits that do not come naturally to me. But I only see this family a couple times a year. And once I commented to her husband, oh, it must be so nice to be married to someone who's so chill. And he replied very gently, well, sometimes she's a little too chill. And like, without blaming her, he also mentioned that, you know, many important tasks don't get done because she's so chill. And I realized that I'd been comparing myself to her in a way that was negative to me, but I really wasn't even seeing the whole picture. So not only does our brain ignore a lot of things without telling us that it's ignoring them, but social comparison is a bigger problem now than ever in the past, because we interact in a real way with much fewer people than in the past. We all hang out isolated in our own homes. We see only one side of people at work or at school or on social media. But we like we don't live in a tight village where everyone knows everyone's stuff. We know fewer people than ever in a real deep way. So we compare ourselves to these like one dimensional cardboard cutouts of other people without really knowing their full nuanced selves. First step, the first way to deal with this is kind of catch your brain in the lies it's telling you. You've got to catch yourself comparing yourself to others. On a practical level, you could use my worksheet, you know, links in the description, but write down the situations where you most often compare yourself to others. Write down your most common comparison thought, then remind yourself, thoughts are reality. Like let's challenge that thought. And it can be helpful to remind yourself like my comparisons are usually false, or selective filtering makes me highlight the good, they're good, am I bad? Or I can't see the whole person. No one has it all. If you really want to test this, go spend a week and go look for a week or even just three days, just three days, and try and look for everyone who's worse than you and write it down. And you'll see it. Go look for everyone who's better than you and write it down and you'll see it and pay attention to how your mood feels on those days. And then spend one day doing no comparison. Like every time you catch yourself comparing, be like, oh, my comparisons are false. I don't need to believe that comparison and see how you feel. Okay, so that's a fun experiment to try. Okay. Also, try getting off social media. I know you're tired of hearing that advice. You think you can see through it, but you can't. Okay, like unfollow toxic accounts. Like, stop it. Take a minute to write down and notice the types of accounts that demotivate you. Whether they're like uplifting parenting accounts that make you feel like a bad parent or weight loss or makeup or whatever. And that takes us to principle number two. Comparison will always let you down because you're outsourcing your identity. So even though it's natural to compare yourself to others, basing your worth on comparison is fueling the underlying belief that your worth is dependent on being better than someone else. And that determining whether you're a good person depends on how many people are above you or below you in the hierarchy. So this will always let you down because you will always be able to find someone who's better than you and someone who's worse than you. Even if you're a freaking Olympic gold medalist, someone will be better at you in other areas. And in a matter of years, someone will be better than you at your sport. Comparison will always let you down. As my brilliant friend and fellow therapist Kirsten Walter said, the problem with comparison is that you're outsourcing your identity. You're allowing others and the things outside of you to determine your worth. This is what's called an external locus of control. Your sense of self-worth feels out of control because you're basing it on things outside of you. So how do you stop? The first thing you have to do is realize that your worth is not dependent on being better than other people. Let's choose something more honest. Your worth is inherent. You are always worthwhile and valuable. And the goodness of your life depends on how closely you live your values. How much integrity do you have to what's important to you? So if you want to build a solid, secure sense of self, to do this, you've got to constantly shift your attention away from comparison to integrity. So let's look at this. Let's look at this. If in the past I said, oh, I want to be a healthy person. Well, Shelly is fitter than I am, so I'm a failure. But Martha is in worse shape than I am, so I guess I'm good. That is an external sense of self. That's outsourcing your sense of identity and your sense of worth. So instead, let's replace it with this. What do I want? I want to be healthy. Do I act in integrity with this? I'm walking every day, but I'm eating too much junk food. How can I eat better? So we base our motivation on what we are running toward, not running away from. Who do I want to be? How can I move towards that a little bit more today? So your worth is inherent. You're always worthwhile. You're always worthy of love. But your goodness, like how good your life is, is based on your values, not on comparison. So when you catch yourself comparing, ask yourself, what does this say about what I really value? Do I, like if you say, oh, she's so popular, do I value getting a lot of people to like me? Or do I actually value being confident internally? Do I value something external, like looking perfect all the time? Or do I value getting physically healthy? Do I value tearing other people down or building people up? So you shift your focus away from competition as your goal, and you focus on what you really care about. And I would say it's extra helpful to create visual reminders of your values, your goals, and your accomplishment. So instead of comparing yourselves to others, you're going to channel all that dramatic energy into personal growth, creativity, and pursuits that bring you joy and fulfillment. You're going to focus that energy on being who you want to be. You take action to have integrity toward being that person that you want to be. So for example, let's say you get all caught up in how popular that one girl is, how pretty that other girl is. Instead say, what do I really care about? What's most important to me is being authentic. I want to be real. I want to build other people up. I want to be a good friend, or I want to be a hard worker. And I'm going to focus on that instead of putting other people up or down. On to number three. Here is the third reason comparison will always let you down. Comparison leads to isolation and constant drama. So social comparison is a type of cognitive distortion. It's an attempt to move up the hierarchy, but is that really your goal? Like it's totally natural, but it's just not a lasting form of happiness. Comparison is fed by a scarcity mindset. It's based on the idea that there is not enough to go around. So because there's not enough to go around, I've got to put myself in competition with everyone else to survive. You're basically like putting yourself at war with everyone else. It's like crabs in a bucket. If someone else starts climbing up, I've got to pull them down. Now this might sound like hippie dippy idea, but like even in competitive sports, comparison is going to backfire. So let's imagine like a soccer player. If his goal is to be the best player on his team, that might motivate him to work hard. But there's one problem. That focus on being the best on his team may make him compete with his teammates. He might not share the ball, or he might get angry about his teammates' successes or goals, or he might feel constantly stressed and insecure. That's going to make him not get along as well with his team. So what if instead the soccer player focuses on their values? They'll be more successful. So this looks like saying, I'm going to work as hard as I can. I'm going to learn how to be a good team player. I'm going to learn how to make good decisions on the field. I'm going to devote my energy to self-improvement and winning with my team. So competing with others will only take you so far. To be truly great, you need the lasting motivation of your internal values paired with connection to other people. Now, I just want to throw this out there for a second. Who benefits from making us all feel like life is a competition? Who benefits from convincing us that we are unhappy as we are, and we need to more than other people to be happy? Basically, everyone's selling something. Our belief in competition and scarcity is fueled by the media and advertising. They make money by making us feel inferior. So choosing to make your life about something else is an act of rebellion to the cultural messages we are drowning in every day. It's an act of rebellion to materialism and selfishism. Healthy people build a world of abundance and cooperation instead of scarcity and competition. At the very least, we can create that world internally. We can live a life of abundance. So create a new rule that life is about collaboration and not about competition. Lifting someone else does not cost you anything. When someone else is happy, be happy with them. When someone else suffers a loss, mourn with them. When someone else is successful, get excited for them and learn from them. Like there actually is enough happiness to go around. This is not a limited resource. There's enough excitement for everyone. Love is a renewable resource. The more you give, the more you have. He can be a hard worker and so can I. Like there's enough success to go around. The world is abundant, especially in all the things that bring us happiness. When you're kind to someone else, you don't run out of kindness. It grows inside of you. So this scarcity mindset is really what fuels comparison and competition. If you feel stuck comparing yourself to others, you can try to shift out of this mindset by counting your blessings. So when you shift your mindset from scarcity to abundance, suddenly you're not going to feel so scared about whether you're good enough. Okay, so in summary, on a practical level, number one, like just notice the people, places, and activities that trigger those comparison thoughts and recognize your distorted thinking. Remind yourself comparisons won't make me happy, successful, or connected. And then redirect your attention to your values. Who do I want to be? What do I really care about? Who do I really care about? And as you do this, you can begin to notice like this true shift in yourself. So instead of comparing yourself to the public side of people, you start to see people in a more real way. You'll see their gifts and their flaws, but you aren't using them anymore. Like when we compare, we're using their personhood for the selfish purpose of determining your own goodness. So instead of competing with them, you can actually connect with them. You stop comparing and you start connecting. As you start to really see people, you can start to see yourself clearly as well. And suddenly you can actually love yourself too. That's what I hope for you. I hope this was helpful. Thank you so much for being here. You are inherently good. You're inherently worthwhile. Thank you for watching. Take care.