Heavy Metal Comedy Show | Jim Breuer

Thank you! Good night! What's up, New York? You guys like ACDC? Here's every ACDC song you ever heard, right? Okay, little Brian Johnson comes out. You never understand a word he says, but it's always ******* hilarious anyway. Thanks again, these guys. Thanks for hanging out, man. It's Christmas time, huh? Here in New York City. Everyone's walking around. Fuck, I just... Excuse me! Thanks, I just went across the street, asshole, yeah. Yes, that's a tree! Lots of lights, huh? Look at the size of that tree! You don't want to bump into people in New York, man. Dumb old lady, watch where you go! Who's got this jacket? I was a Mets fan. Yankees are like the ******* mafia of baseball. They just show up in Cleveland. Yeah, how you doing? Is Justice around? Yeah, he's with us now. Yeah, there's two Cubans in a ******* boat. You'll see him soon. Come on, Dave. You ever been in a World Series? No, guess what, ******, you're gonna win it. I mean, Mariano, Rovano, whatever. How does that guy pitch? He weighs like 50 pounds when he's wet. He can't even shut his mouth when he's on the mat. It's like Torrey comes out, listen, man, strike the dudes out and then we'll get everyone else from Nicaragua that lives there and we'll ******* set them up right away. Okay. You're gonna feed me, right? Okay. It's a good time for baseball. It's a very good time for baseball. I mean, there's history in baseball. Do you realize that? Guys hitting 50, 60, 70 home runs. Nothing against, you know, Babe Ruth, but, you know, you can fight Babe Ruth in a softball field right now. He was a fat drunk, man. Watch all the footage. He comes into play. His face is swollen from drinking the night before and hitting his wife. Watch when Babe Ruth misses. He falls. What the ****? Holy crap, did you see that? That ball went, look out, Henry, camera. I'm so glad. You know what, the thing about Rocker, he just, first of all, they should have known not to give that guy a microphone because you could tell he's a little off. He's got those eyes, you know, like someone just bricked him in the head. He came out of nowhere. He just like dropped out of a tree one day. Hey, I didn't throw it. You want to see me throw apples? ------- throw apples. Any guy that runs to the mound, he ran to the mound. That's retarded. Gates open. Am I in the game yet? How many guys today? These guys are athletes. Sammy Sosa, guy doesn't look like ---- and he's always happy. I just hit the ball. I hit the ball and the ball kept flying. I don't know. I love it though. I just, he looked like one of the dwarfs. Don't he? I just, I hit the ball and I love, I love hot dogs. Every time he's up, he's so happy. You know, he just, Oh ----. I did it again. Thank you. I wish, I wish when the Mets played the Cardinals, they had Maguire because that's the guy that really brought back baseball in my mind. Cause this was a guy, even if you're not into baseball, he made you watch. This guy got in there with his gorilla legs on, you know. The outfielders are like, Oh ----. Don't pitch it yet. Infield, come in. Get under my ******* leg. Let him hit a grounder. Who cares, man? Come on. All right, he gets up there. And his eyes look right at the pitcher as if to say, Have you ever in the history seen a ball fly of a bat like him? Are you kidding me? There's people hanging out in Japan. I had a baby girl. Pretty sick, ain't it? Me, I have a kid. Let me tell you something. You know, I start off, my wife, cause you got to be respectful to women when they're pregnant. They need a lot of attention. Her tits get big. My breasts are killing me. I feel like I'm fat. Look at how fat. They have gas all the time. It's nuts. Do I look all right? Oh, you look great. Boobs are huge, man. Don't, that's disgusting. I was just saying, that's all. No. So, you know, she convinces me to watch this program, right? All right, let me check it out. It's called The Baby Story, right? This is what it's called, The Baby Story. I got to watch The Baby Story, you know? So I'm watching, exactly. Dick, let me tell you first. You watch The Baby Story. Dick, dick. Dick. Nice head, dick. So I'm going to watch this baby story, right? So now, you know, whatever. Half hour, they wrap up pregnancy, what you're going to deal with, all right? And this is what I'm watching. You know, today I'm going to hit a heartbeat and it's very exciting because it's like real. And if we have a girl, I'm going to name it after my grandmother because I really miss her. And I'm like, what the **** is this? Oh, this is a nightmare. Then it comes, you know, I'm going to have natural because I don't believe in drugs. My sister had it natural and the whole family did. And that's the way it's going to be. Then they show a woman in pain like this, you know? They show the husband, well, Karen's not really doing as good as we thought she'd be doing. But I really think she'll be great later, you know? And then... Next, Baby Story. It's like they leave out a lot of ******* details. Never once on the Baby Story did I see anything close to what I saw. I come walking in and here's my wife hovering over a toilet seat, right? This is where she's hanging out like this, you know, ass is hanging out. Oh, hey, hon. Oh my God. I feel like my asshole is falling out of me. I feel like I have to ----, but I can't ----. This ******* hurts. How do you respond to someone point blank telling you their asshole is falling out of them? Are you kidding me? You know what true pain to me is? True pain is that, you know, in the middle of the night when you have to pee really bad, but you don't want to get, you know, it wakes up. Hey, man, you gotta pee. You finally convince yourself to do it. So you start walking in the bathroom like, all right, man, if I stay like this, I won't wake up and I'll just pee sitting down. I don't even care. As long as I can get back to sleep and I'll be good. But on the way, you knock the crap out of your shin. That's like pain where you'll see a demon come out. You know what I mean? You're like, all right. Fuck me, man. Oh, ----. Oh, ****. Is everything okay? Did you move that dresser? ------- knock the crap out of my shin. This is what a doctor tells you. She may suffer from a slight case of hemorrhoids. You know, let me tell you something. You know what hemorrhoids are? Hemorrhoids are, some of you drank too much tonight. Some of you had some wings. About five in the morning, you're going to get the hotties. You know, you're, oh ----. Ah, **** me, man. Oh, ----. I shouldn't. Are you okay? You got any wet naps or some ----, man? And you put on some tux and it's away. It's gone. But she turns around, she's like, please. Oh, God, I'm ******* pained. Look at it, please. Just tell me, because it feels like it's coming out. I'm not bullshitting you. So now I got to look and God. It was like a ******* potato hanging out. Can you see it? Yeah, everything's cool, man. Now it's time to give birth and this is exciting time. You know, her ass is hanging out. She's giving birth and watch her start pushing. God, chicks look like they're going to pop off their face. Just got my nipple. Can you get my nipple? So now it's finally coming out. This is the worst, too. Right before she comes out, you know, you wait. Like, oh my God, here comes my baby. My baby gets stuck. Yeah, you're like, whoa, whoa, what do you mean the baby's stuck? Well, and then this guy comes in. Well, we're going to have to use a suction cup and get out. Just sign right here. Fuck, all right. And this guy comes in. It's a suction cup. I'm not bullshitting you. It's like a metal plunger. And this guy comes in. Oh, we got a situation in here. How's it going on? Well, what we're going to do is this is like, you know, a suction cup. We're going to stick this son of a bitch back in here. Just like flushing out a toilet. Oh, some bitch needs suction. Yeah, this ******'s in there. I'll get him. You horse's ass. I got him. Now I'm going to step back. I'm going to give him a push. Sweetheart, start to pop off your other nipple. Goddamn, this son of a bitch is in there. And my kid starts coming out. Let me tell you something. Life is beautiful, but it's not pretty. You know, when you're watching like Nature Channel and the horse gets born, you're like, oh, he's a horse. Oh, ----. Oh, oh, ----. What's that ---- that's hanging out? And as it looks like, your baby comes up and you're like, oh, ----. See, all the doctors tell you, when a baby is born, their head is not fully developed, OK? And the reason for that is because it has to go through a path in a woman's body. And some of it is a little tighter than others. So the head's like, oh, ----, we got to, OK, let's try. OK, we can breathe a little bit. So when a baby comes out, their head may look a little off. And I'm ready for that. You know, I think of my friend Larry. He's got a long forehead or whatever. You're like, oh, Larry's cool, man. Larry's a funny guy. He's cool. He's got a fucked up forehead. That's all right, man. So I'm ready. But with a suction cup, they stretch the crap out of your baby's head. So not only does this thing come out. No bullshit. This is my baby. You're like, oh, man, I can't show that to anyone, man. But I wanted to learn a language because I don't know any languages so I could travel with her and stuff. So I tried with German. German first. That's the hardest language. First of all, they sound like they're hammered all the time. I don't know how they don't come out of Central Park just getting their ass kicked, you know? Yeah, you got ID there, hot ----? What'd you say, asshole? Come with me. Put him in a horse. So I heard Spanish was the easiest language to learn. So I checked it out, you know. You know, I started with Sesame Street. Sesame Street, you know, they had Grover. It's very simple. You know the famous Grover one? It was on like two weeks ago. Grover comes out. So I'm like, all right, near, far, near, far. And then the Spanish one comes out, you know. Yeah. You're not going past Doe, sorry. But they are the sexiest people in the world. Boy, they wear anything to look good, don't they? Yeah. Spanish Channel. Even the commercials, you know. Oh, agua. You're in the basement tearing up your pillows. I miss those days. When you're hanging out with your friends, you got that curfew, you know. Mom's like, I want you home. All right. Ma, nobody's going to drink tonight, all right? Nobody. I wouldn't do that to you. I know. You know what happens that night, though, you know. 4 o'clock in the morning goes by, you know. Listen, all right? I was supposed to be home. ------- like, wait. Who wrote, who wrote, I love dick? It's not funny, man. It's not my face. It's not. It's not cool. Just tell me. Just say I love dick on my face. I'm going in. It's not funny, man. Go up to your door. Friends are hanging out in a car. All right, dude. Look, he is wrecked. Hey, man, dude. We'll wait here until you're in. All right, man. It's not funny. Hey, dick. I was supposed to be home ******* yesterday, man. Get inside, dick. You got that door. Hello? All right, dude. We'll see you tomorrow, man. I come by and all their asses are hanging out in the back seat. Did you get it, man? Did you get it? Did you see it? Now you get it. And I always walk right past my dad. Worst was I had a little dog. A little white poodle. Little Duffy. Little poodles. You know what I'm talking about? Little white poodle Duffy. And he was like 14. Missing half his teeth. He had that black ---- under his eyes. He's missing fur. You could see his scalp. He was nasty. You go to pet him. He'd always drag his ass on the rug, you know. Mother going, Duffy, stop that, Duffy. Duffy, no. Duffy, stop that. Let me wipe the crap from your ass, Duffy. Get over here, Duffy. Stop it. Duffy would go under the table. Hair missing. Big tumors on his belly. Don't touch his tumors. He don't like that. So I try to walk past my mom's room, you know. Getting by her room. Duffy. And I hear him walking in this ----. Duffy. Because he couldn't see. Wiping his ass. Duffy. No. Stupid. ------- growl at me. Listen to me. Listen. Hey. Who's your buddy? That's right. I'm your buddy. Now you chill, man. Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm a little, you know. I'm sorry, man. You're losing your hair and stuff. I love you. You know I love you. Listen, don't wake mom up, please. I'm a couple feet from my bed. Please, just chill out, Duff, okay? And you know what we will do tomorrow? I'll tell you what. Here's a little dealie wheelie we got. Duff, listen. You keep quiet. And me and you will go play stick. Duffy looks up at me. You know, that hit me ---- ain't funny. I ain't the prettiest goddamn thing. And I know that. My fur's all fucked up. One day your nuts will be hanging too, hotshot. And you won't like it either. Goddamn jerk off, young idiot. So let me get this straight. The one that feeds me, you don't want me to say nothing to her. You want me to be nice and quiet. And the deal I get is we get to play stick tomorrow. That's some of the most exciting thing I've ever heard. Hey, can we play stick like we always do when you go out in front of my goddamn friends and you pretend to throw the goddamn stick and I look like an asshole walking around shitting myself. Can we play that stick, you asshole? Right here. Jim's home and he's all fucked up. Here comes your mom, you know, she have a little nightgown on. And that's something you're not ready for, man. You're like 16 and buzzed. You do not need to see mom in a nightgown. What the hell is going on here? Oh, ----. Hey, how's it going? Jesus Christ. You smell like a goddamn prairie. This is not what I think is very... Penis. ------- retarded, man. Oh, I got something to say. Penis! He's like in left field with a bowling ball. Penis! I'm ready for the game, man. Shoo, shoo, shoo. Penis! It's back to my mother. We could tell me you weren't drinking tonight. Look at you. Mom, listen. I love you. And listen, listen to me. I'm 16, man. And life is hard. And you know what? I went out tonight. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. I went out and I hung out. And you know what? To be honest with you, not even lying, I only had maybe one. Jesus, it says I love dick on your face. You guys want to see some impressions? I just want to clear up one thing, too, real quick. I appreciate the GOAT fans. If you're out there, I appreciate it. Especially the drunk guys. Drunk guys come up and they can't even bat you. They're like, hey, man. Holy ----. -------, ******* sheep guy, man. Sheep guy. Oh, ----. And you know what? To be completely honest with you, I don't even like goats. They're the scariest creatures I've ever seen in life. No, they are. First of all, don't bring your kids when you have kids to a petting zoo. That's crazy for a kid. You walk in, it's like night. They're all waiting. They don't feed those goats. They don't feed them for like a month. They're like, let the kids in. They're all waiting. There's always like an old goat in the back. He's missing a ******* horn, you know? His head's leaning. It's stuck in a fence. He can't even bat anymore. All the little goats. And then you ever run out of food? They get nasty, man. They start getting on their hind legs and doing this ----. Hey, man, don't do that ----. Little five-year-olds are trying to get out of the fence. They're trying to get them. Little kids are running for their lives. Run out of food. The old one. The old one breaks free. They're all dry humping a little kid on the floor. Trying to help him. Someone get us some food. ------- goat, help me. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like goats, man. All right, so here's some impressions. You guys ready? These are impressions that I want you guys to learn because you're going to be huge hits at your next party. Trust me on this. If I do a voice, you can't go and show your friends. But this, you'll be able to do. So watch the hands. Here we go. These are hand impressions. You're all going to be able to do this. You guys ready? This is a three-armed umpire in Major League Baseball. A umpire in baseball with three arms. Here we go. Here comes the runner into home plate. It looks like it's going to be a close play. Here comes a throw from the outfield. And here comes a slide at home. Safe. It's not safe under the tag. Safe. You got a ******* problem. You got a problem. Safe. I said safe. Safe. Under the tag. Safe. See, now as dumb as that is, a lot of you are going to try that later tonight. You're going to be drunk and you're going to ruin it. He said safe. He was a one-legged, four-headed umpire. I was there, asshole. OK? Safe. Yeah, ******* yeah, yeah. Safe. I am a big, horny man. I'm a big, horny umpire. Safe. Here's a dog taking a crap. OK, here we go. Watch out. I want to bring the band back out. Remember doing that ---- in your basement? Dude, Jake, dude, you put on your earphones. The next time you guys go drinking, which may be pretty soon, like New Year's Eve, some of you are going to get fucked up. So I don't want any of you to get sick when you go drinking. So you got to keep in mind, every time you go drinking, it's just like having a party. It's where? In your stomach. And the stomach is what? The bouncer. Now, you don't want to piss off the bouncer. Same thing when you bite alcohol into the stomach. You don't want to mix ---- up. Pisses off the bouncer. But you can mix up all the beer you want. Because they get along. And they know each other. Beer shows up at the stomach. How you doing, stomach? Just us beer looking for a little party, man. I mean, you know everyone. You know Coors Light, and Sam Adams, and Becks. Hello. He's crazy. You're trying to ruin it, man. Chill, chill, chill. And your stomach thinks about it. All right, man. But just promise to keep it down. You understand? We got an understanding? Beer's like, oh, no, we're cool. Are you sure? Because I'm not going to lie. We've got, like, 20 of us here. Is that cool? But just like parties, people find out about it. Same thing with other alcohol. When the hard ---- starts showing up. Stuff like scotch. How are you doing now, stomach? I heard you got a great party going on in here. I brought a couple of friends and some bagpipers. I'm going to buzz it out of your seat. Your stomach doesn't understand a word Scotch is saying. It's all right, dude. Just go in. But please, I don't want you in trouble tonight, all right? Don't **** around. Now you're mixing the crowd up. And that's when tension starts. Scotch starts walking across the bar. Look at that ******* guy. Hey! He acts like he don't know me. Hey! Yeah, right here, you dirty wanker. Right here. You come me way. You're going to go to the toilet. I'm not going to eat your ******* bones. You like that? Let's see what happens. And you can feel that tension going on. But now it's getting a little later. And people find out about it. Now everyone's showing up. Next thing you know, you got problems like shots. Shots like Jägermeister. Kamikazes. Saki. Oh, I heard you got a big party here. Shots like Fuzzy Navel. Hi, I'm Fuzzy Navel. And I brought my friend Sherry. And he's all dressed up. And we were wondering, is Larry here? And now you mixed up the crowd. And you got a full-blown party going on. So now the party should end. But it doesn't. Because at the end of every party, that's when the crazy people show up. Same thing with alcohol. Who always shows up at the end of the night? I can't hear you. Here's the thing about tequila. They never show up alone. There's always eight or nine of them lined up. Stomach holds firm. All right, all right, all right, yo! Chill! But tequila's persistent. Come on, man. We won't stand no trouble. We let the worm back in the van. What kind of man am I? He ain't gonna ******* know about it, man. And like an idiot, your stomach lets in one shot of tequila. And when nobody's looking, he sneaks in all his friends. Come on, man. You're nobody looking. Go through there. Get the ******* bull. Let's **** this place up. And they get in there. Are you guys ready to party or what? Shit starts flying. Scotch grabs Heineken. Yo, ******* wake up. Who's next? What's fuzzy navel? There's two fuzzy navels in the bathroom. I never knew you were this way. And you got an out-of-control party going on in the stomach. And that's when your stomach goes, all right, that's it. Everybody, and I mean everybody, get out. Hey, the way he came in, asshole, get out. There's always a stubborn old hot dog. I've been here for nine years. This is horseshit. Good night, you guys.