15 Minutes of Ronny Chieng

Of course every race has its racist, awful people. The problem is we keep comparing the worst 10% of one race with like the best 10% of another race. Right? Which is obviously a mistake. Because what we should be doing is we should be getting the worst 10% of every race. And comparing that. So we can figure out which is the worst race. In fact, you know what? **** it. Let's do it right now. Yeah, let's do it right now. Let's figure out which is the worst race. Right now. Okay? You guys up for it? Yeah! Okay, cool. On three, I want you to shout out which race thing is the worst. Alright? Okay? No, no, no. Don't worry. We'll all do it together. We'll all do it together. I'll join in. Of course I'll join in. Right? Don't worry. This is a comedy show. This is a safe space. We ask you to put your phones away for this moment right now. Now's the time to let it out. This is it. Don't bottle up and go crazy outside. Let it out now. Let the demons out now. Alright? Okay? You don't even have to be specific. Okay? Just shout a colour. Guys, we all know what the answer's going to be. Who are we fooling? Alright? Okay. On three. Worst race. On three. Okay? One. This is happening! Whether you join in or not, you might as well say something. Even if you don't believe it. Just as a creative exercise. Just let it out. It's like speaking in tongues. Just go. Alright? Okay. On three. Okay. Worst race. On three. Alright? Okay. One. Worst race. Two. Three. If you said anything, you're the worst tempers of your race. That was ******* disgusting. Bunch of goddamn racists. Coming to my show in New York City. Completely missing the point of that joke. Yeah, it's been great meeting the different types of Americans as well. Think of the different races, different ethnicities, different cities, all different people. Of all the Americans I've met, I think African Americans have got to be the coolest race of them all. Alright? So... They're the coolest. Everything they do is just cooler. Everything they touch is just smoother. Right? Sports, science, music, presidencies. Right? Everything they do. Black people have the swag. You cannot deny their swag. Black people have the swag. Even white supremacists are like, yeah, they have swag. It's like undeniable coolness. Like, black people are so cool, they can own their own racial slur. Okay? That's how cool they are. No other minority in America is cool enough to own their own slur. Alright, you never see Chinese people walking around just going, hey, yo. Hey, yo, my chinks. Yo, where my chinks at? Yo, holler at me, chinks. My chinks. Hey, stay yellow, my fellows. Sounds awful. It's like nails on a chalkboard. My chinks, my chinks, my chinks. I think outside of America, we think of America as like a monolith. Right, like America, Americans, like one entity. But you live here long enough, you realize it's such a big country. Every state is like its own nation unto itself. Their own cuisine, their own way of talking, their own values, their own flags. Right, that's why there's so much division here. It's all these different countries trying to federate. It becomes so obvious once you start living here. You can tell the difference between the different types of Americans, the different energies, right? From East Coast to West Coast. It's so obvious, you can call it out. Like East Coast Americans, super intense. Right, West Coast, everyone calms the **** down a bit. Yeah, it's like the East Coast of America, everyone's still fighting the British. They never got over it. America is like, the whole world is in trouble. Let's use everything we've ever learned, our entire knowledge base, every resource at our disposal, every immigrant who ever got a PhD, every local-born PhD student, let's combine forces and create this miracle, mRNA vaccine in under a year. And we did it, and it ******* works, and **** you, we're not gonna take it, **** you. We're not taking that ----, we're not taking that. You take it, we're not taking it, you take it. Or what, or what, you want it? Well, you want it? Well, **** that, we're not gonna give it to you. You want to throw it in the river, you'd rather throw it in the river. Go suck it up from the river, suck it. Suck my dick. **** you and **** us, **** you and **** us. Or what, what, does it work? Oh my God, it works like a charm. It's like a 90% efficacy, it blows all simulations out of the water, but **** that ----, we're not taking it. **** you and **** us. That is the most American ---- ever. Yeah, like I said, I used to live in Australia. I started doing comedy in Australia. Australia was always really good to me. My wife is Australian, and I love my wife a lot. I love my wife so much, I married her three times. That's right, I married the same woman three separate times. Why? Because when you have Asian parents, you have to get married. In every ******* country you have relatives in. Because Asian parents have to brag, okay? And I know every parent has to brag, I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone. I'm just saying Asian parents also have to brag, and like weddings is how they do it. So we had to get married three times. So the first wedding we had in Melbourne, Australia, because my wife is from Melbourne, Australia. Then we got married in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, even though I'm not from Kuala Lumpur, but who gives a **** what the groom wants, right? That's the finest landmark in Malaysia everyone can pronounce with the most direct flights. And then we got married in New York for green card purposes. Three very romantic weddings for the right reasons. Chain migration. And let me tell you something. Let me speak from the heart here for just one minute, okay? If you take nothing else away from the show here tonight, please just hear me now, okay? I'm speaking from personal experience here. There are fewer joys you will experience in life than organizing three weddings at the same time. Oh my God, it's so much fun and so easy to do. I highly recommend it. So like whenever I bring up another country to my American friends, my American friends will always bring up the one fact they read one time on the back of a Snapple cap. And they'll just like throw it back at you. And you try to use it to paint the entire history of your civilization with like whatever half-remembered back of the brain stem regurgitated fact they can just flick it from this part to like this part as quickly as possible, right? Just go, just spit it out. Like when I tell my American friends, like I grew up in Singapore, they're always like, Singapore? You grew up in Singapore? They cane people in Singapore, right? Like in Singapore, if you spit gum on the floor, someone just runs up immediately behind you and just canes you in your ass, right? And I'm like, yeah. So don't ******* do that ----. What is it, some kind of innate need of yours to visit other people's countries and spit gum on the floor? In which case, please do not visit Singapore because they will cane you on your ******* face. And like some Americans are like outraged by that. The thought of grown men being caned on the ass for being a dick. It's like outrageous to them. But what's funny is you ask any American, especially any New Yorker, what they would do if a guest came into their home and spit gum on the floor, they would be like, we would beat the **** out of them. I'm like, yeah, that's what we do in Singapore. We just outsource the ass kicking to the government. It becomes a more cost-efficient punishment for everyone involved. That's why we pay our taxes. My first week in New York, I was on this crowded subway train and it was packed all the way to the doors, right? I'm on the train and it's packed all the way to the doors and the doors start closing in front of me. And as the doors start closing, this guy like walks up to the closing train doors and just jams his fingers. Just right into the door, no regard for his limbs or appendages. Like his need to get on this train exceeded his need to grip things. He did a cost-benefit analysis in his head. And he was like, you know what? This is overrated, right? Who needs this motion? Who needs this point of articulation, right? Let's get on this train, my life will be perfect. So it just creates enough of a gap to start fighting. And he fights this train for eight seconds. He just fights it to a stalemate. Okay, it's a judge's decision. He can't move, the train can't move. No one can move. And after eight seconds, he gets like tired. He starts gassing out. So he uses his head to jam up the door. Like a doorstop. As he readjusts his grip, right? He starts chalk up his hands for round two. And I'm standing there just facing the top of his oily scalp. Just thinking, yo man, just let it go, all right? I'm new in town, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to help you or if we're both gonna get arrested. Okay, I don't know the social etiquette in this situation. All I know is there's a train in three minutes. That ---- would never fly in Malaysia. Where I'm from in Malaysia, you stick your hand in the door, the door's closed, you get dragged for like a mile. You get brought to your knees by the system. As the train runs over you, it starts going after your family, right? You start bleeding out on the tracks. The door's open, we all walk over your dead corpse. Yeah, that's what you get, you dumb ****. Not in America. In America, one man can stop the entire train line because everyone can make a difference. Like I was walking down West Fourth Street in Manhattan, in New York City, minding my own business, not looking at my phone, actually paying attention to the world around me. During the pandemic, right, just trying to get some fresh air, actually having a nice night. I was walking down the street in Manhattan, looking around and out of nowhere, this woman walks right up to me, grabs me on the throat and just starts squeezing. So like I throw her off and then she squares up. And then I look at her and I just walk away. And that's like a normal interaction in New York. Neither of us said a word. The entire time, we didn't even make a sound. We didn't review each other because we both knew what was going on. We both knew what that whole thing was about. I looked at her and I was like, oh, you crazy. Just like everyone on the internet. All right, see you later, crazy. I didn't engage and I walked away. And then she looked at me and she was like, oh, this is not a man who's gonna fight a woman on the street. See you later, man. Maybe we just went our separate ways. And that was the end of it. And I still respect that woman more than these ******* Twitter Yelp reviewing bloggers. Because she was unhappy about something in her life. She got off her ass and did something about it. She didn't just sit behind her keyboard tweeting with her balls, critiquing other people's creations without making anything for themselves like a bunch of parasites eating the host. No, she didn't like Asian people. She went to commit a hate crime. And I can respect that. That's proactive. It's gotten to the point where you can flunk out of med school, very next day, review doctors. Doesn't make any sense. Everybody reviewing everything like they're experts. People reviewing comedy. Can you imagine that? Who the **** reviews comedy? So what the **** do you know about it? Ever been on stage in your life trying to tell me how to do my job? That's like me going to a maternity ward in a hospital and giving women tips on how to give birth. Yeah, what kind of ******* asshole would go into a maternity ward and just look for women in labor? Just go, hey, you're really should be pushing harder during childbirth. You don't look like you're pushing hard enough during childbirth. I think you're relying too much on your ethnic background during childbirth. Oh, the C-section? Oh, that's a real lazy form of childbirth. Two stars. It's also not my job to teach you how to ******* do comedy, all right? If you wanna find out how to do this, you go do an open interview with a doctor. Open mic multiple times a night for the next decade. And you come and tell me, all right? If you think there's no artistry to this, if you think it's just about saying offensive ---- or never saying anything offensive ever, then you ******* go do it. You do it and you tell me.