12 Times Sheldon Showed His True Genius ¦ The Big Bang Theory

So apparently if we win, I'll be the fourth woman ever to win a Nobel in physics. Wow, that's a big deal. Huh, tell me about it. This morning I blew through my antiperspirant in like an hour. Plus, Sheldon's freaking out because we got in trouble. I've got him distracted for a while. Doesn't he know how to solve those? Normally yes, but I switched the stickers around, so... I don't even think it's possible to solve it. Solved it! What? No, you didn't. Not the cube, but the puzzle of why I couldn't solve the cube. Solution, you switch stickers 2, 9, 32, and 51. Really? This thing has numbers? Anything has a number if you assign it a number, friend number four. Top five, not bad. What about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates? Yeah, I wouldn't say many. A few. What's... Your characterization of approximately 171 different men is a few. Where did you get 171 men? Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias, and postulate an initial dating age of 15... Wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15. I'm sorry, 16? 14. My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peeking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men. Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men? No. Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate, based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning. Plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before. Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point. So we multiply 193 minus 21 men before the loss of virginity. So 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31. Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number of men need a drink over here. Buckle up, you're in for a cranky night. According to the codicil of the relationship agreement, which you insisted upon, we're not allowed to pout or be moody on date night. You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff. Well, it applies to you too. I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a workaround. There you go. Sheldon, I know you're in the zone, but do you want some tea? All right, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but you haven't spoken in hours and I'm starting to get worried. Please say something. Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius. Nope, it was better before. Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it's beautiful. It's not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop. Holy crap, Sheldon, did you just figure out a method for synthesizing a new stable super heavy element? Yeah, did I? Well, that can't be right. No one's ever done that before. Except me, because I just did it. Sheldon, that is great. Sheldon and his brain. Yeah, definitely got it before. Ah, I'm back. You got me for eight minutes. Sheldon, this is silly. You can't expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this. The coefficient isn't lambda, it's lambda sub one. And then over here, you should consider the possibility that the brain itself is in two different quantum states. And lastly, do you have any little soup crackers? The rate of spinning for the central axis centrifuge has to be four revolutions per second. It can't be four revolutions. It's got to be seven. Seven? Look at the board. It's four. Oh my God, it's seven. Four. Seven. It's five and a half. Son of a bitch, it's five and a half. BRB, that's short for be right back. I'm saving so much time. Two signals meet up at the corpus callosum and T equals zero. And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup. Incredible. Sheldon, I didn't expect that you could work on both projects, but I was wrong. You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Solids and liquids handled by one utensil, that'll never work. Spoiler, works. I gotta admit, we didn't think you'd be able to do two things at once. I felt the same way about the platypus. Bird and mammal in the same creature, no way. Spoiler, way. In 1935, Erwin Schrödinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. I'm sorry, I don't get the point. Of course you don't get it, I haven't made it yet. You have to be psychic to get it, and there's no such thing as psychic. Sheldon, what's the point? Just like Schrödinger's cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is. Okay, so you're saying I should go out with Leonard? No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake. I can see that. Unless you're planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch-filled redundancy. No, it's about Penny. The mistake involving Penny. Okay, you'll have to narrow it down. I don't think I can go out with her tonight. Then don't. Other people would say, why not? Other people might be interested. I'm gonna talk anyway. I assumed you would. Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited. I'm nauseous. Then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid, which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny. What happens if I blow it? Well, if we accept your premise and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you, then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind. Tell me whether or not to go through with the date. Schrodinger's cat. Wow, that's brilliant. You sound surprised. Hey, what you working on? Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one in 700,000 chance of dying? Yeah. Well, I've been crunching the numbers, and so far I've gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter tightening one in 300. Great timing. My Czech sphincter light just went on. Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon's latex gloves? I'm not allergic to latex. Then why don't you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes? For the same reason I don't wear the apron or the hairnet. Fine. What about epilepsy? I don't have epilepsy either. No, you don't, but the surgeon might. And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland. Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery? I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. And that is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don't expect me to carry you. I do that enough in life. Buddy, I get that you're worried about me, and I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die. You don't know that. Well, I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike. You know who else said that? Every cocky T-Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car. If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn't you die too? I don't know. I'm smart and scrappy. I think I'd find a way. Tell you what. The surgery's not for a week. I'll think about it. Thank you. And while you're thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death. Hey, guys. This package came free. Dr. Cooper is working. Yes, I'm close to a breakthrough. Oh, tickles. Sorry. Holy crap on a cracker. Hey, Penny. Hi. You know, you probably don't want to go in there. Why? What are they doing? You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls. Oh, boy. Dr. Cooper's working. Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo Knight, Kuthra Pali, is he coming? Oh, yes. It's Halo Knight. Let me just dry my tootsies. You're not going to Halo Knight. Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo Knight. Didn't a great man once say, science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives? He did. And who was that great man? Me. Sorry, Leonard. Seriously? You're not coming? You heard her. How can I argue with me? Okay. Well, once again, you guys have a good... whatever this is. Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back. I prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward. Halo Knight, a man with your intellectual gifts doesn't waste an evening playing video games. He does on Wednesdays. Not if he wants a Nobel Prize. He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends? What do you think? Drat. Now, shall we get back to work? I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. I guess I can wait for the DVD. And then never, ever watch it. I've got it! I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string network condensates. It's unbelievable! It's paradigm altering! And I could not have done it without you. Oh, please. I just offered a little encouragement. Oh, a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions. And you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you? Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki theorem? Who's Nowitzki? I'm Nowitzki. Oh, you want me to share credit? Uh-huh. Get out. Oh, hey, hi. Oh, bite me. Sisters? Penny? Good morning. Do you have any idea what time it is? Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that once again, your question may have been rhetorical. What do you want? Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium? I remember symposium. Yes. Well, he lied. Wait, what? He lied. And I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it. Well, imagine how I'm feeling. Hungry? Tired? I'm sorry, this really isn't my strong suit. You told her I lied? Why would you tell her I lied? To help you. I'm sorry, I'm not seeing the help. She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. Oh, I'm getting a bad feeling. Hunger? Indigestion? I'm sorry, I'm really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we're going to participate in my cousin Leopold's drug intervention. Your cousin Leopold? Who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee. Remember that, it's important. What's important? Details, Leonard. The success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. Do you have a cousin Leopold? No, I made him up. I think you'd call him Lee. I don't get it. I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie? Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping, I was weaving an ununravelable web. Ununravelable? Yes. If she Googles Leopold Houston, she'll find a Facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on eharmony.com. Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousin? Ah, because it's in Long Beach and I don't drive. We're going to Long Beach? No, of course not. There's no cousin Leo. There's no intervention. Focus, Leonard. Oh, come on. You ready to order? One moment. I'm conducting an experiment. With Dungeons and Dragons dice? Yes. From here on in, I've decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item 7. So, what's for dinner? A side of corn succotash. Interesting. Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please? I don't want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats. Uh, no, that's not it. Just come with me, please. Let's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas. Do you really want that? That's the great thing. It doesn't matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things. What's it thinking about now? Hamburgers and lemonade. Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon. Don't thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave. Why are you still doing this? Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I've co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle. You left out got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants. The dice giveth and the dice taketh away. I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. Fine, I'll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it. Okay, um, I'd pick swan because the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long, graceful neck I've always dreamed of having. Wrong. Leonard? Of course. But mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth. Wrong. And let's keep it clean, shall we? Kangaroo. I'd be Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball. Also, instead of just living in your mother's house, you could actually live inside her body. Clever, but also wrong. Now, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you'd be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three bean salad. Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful. All right, picture this. A beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you expensive concessions because as an algae, I'll just snack on this sunlight. He got us again? No, he didn't. I don't see anything in here a woman would want. You're kidding. You've got lotions and bath oils and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick. What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon, and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan. Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build her a bear. I told you before, bears are terrifying. Come on, bath stuff. It's perfect. You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil promotes relaxation. That presupposes Penny is tense. She knows you. She's tense. We all are. Buy a basket. Excuse me, we're ready. No, we're not. Let's say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis. I now lay the following conundrum at your feet. Which size? This one. Let's go. You put no thought into that. I'm sorry. This one. Let's go. I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss. Yes. If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us. Excuse me? Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother? I don't understand what you're talking about and you're making me a little uncomfortable. See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it. Great news, Leonard. I've solved my Penny gift dilemma. Yippee. You see, the danger was that I might under or over reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself feigning digestive distress. Then I'll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her, and then I'll return the others for a full refund. Brilliant. It is, isn't it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated. Do whatever you want. Thank you. That's very gracious. Gentlemen? Why couldn't you have just done what Leonard did and get Penny a new boyfriend?