This Phil Hanley Comedy Set Might Be His Funniest Yet #116

You're here with your girlfriend? Where did you guys meet? I'm trying to meet somebody. In Moscow. Okay, cool. Wow, we are desperate, aren't we? Alright, well... Are you living in Russia, sir? Are you guys married? Almost, yeah, I would chop-chop on that, dude. What's your name? Okay, you know you can switch that up, dude. What about boundary issues? Iliad, have you ever dated anyone with boundary issues? I know your country folk have a little problem with boundary issues, but, uh... Dude, thank God. I'm so glad that you immigrated to America. Hear that? Some Democrats are here tonight. My ex-girlfriend, so she was a regular therapist and then she went to school to be a sex therapist. Now, when you tell people that someone is a sex therapist, people always assume that that person is really good in bed. Which is the equivalent of volunteering high school gym teacher and thinking, incredible athlete. Their first day in sex therapy school, right? They watch pornography in school. She came home and she told me that they watched porn in school and for the first time in my dyslexic life, I felt so scholarly. I thought, wow, I've been homeschooling myself for years. They watch something called ethical porn. That's a real genre of porn. The whole thing is that it's supposed to be very PC, like super politically correct. Like, for example, they'd never be like, who's your daddy? They're like, who is your non-gender specific role model? And it's like, it's hot. Ethical porn is written and produced by women, so it's... chatty. I'll meet a woman. I'll be enthusiastic. I'll tell my friends. Immediately, they're like, what's her Instagram? I want to check her out. That is so creepy. You know what I mean? You couldn't do that 20 years ago. You'd be like, what's her address? I want to go look in her windows. Oh, yeah, this is the part of the show I take questions. I am dyslexic. I was in special ed. I have a crush on you. ...is where I also teach special ed. Oh, you teach special ed? Yes. I want to tell him that he can be successful like you because he's funny. Don't you think if something, if we developed a relationship, don't you think that would really send a good message to the kids? Please, baby, not on your phone. I had... you can order a drink on your phone? Yes. Oh, really? What do you want to drink? Yeah, I can read. I don't know how to talk about that. I'm walking to my modestly priced hotel. Thank you, punchline. And this guy is trying to get into my room. He's wearing one shoe and a flip-flop. We're not here to judge. And I had spent the weekend going to Grateful Dead concerts, so my first thought was, oh, he's a fellow deadhead. So while he's going back like this, I'm like, what did you think of the Scarlet Fire on Friday night? Did you? Are you two a couple? That's beautiful. How long have you guys been together for? COVID. That's like risky because you don't want to kiss anyone unless you really like them or really hate them. Right? Where did you meet? How did you meet during COVID? That's tough. Match.com. Old school. That's like the first app, right? That's where my grandparents met. Nanny, any teachers here this evening? Right there, sir, what do you teach? History. Whoa, because it's quite a historical beard you have. That's wild. You look like the people you're talking about. You know? You're like, hey, Blinken, my old pal. She goes, you have a yeast infection, and then corrected herself quickly and goes, oh, I'm mad. And it's called jock itch, which that's what it was, and I'm fine. But I was so taken back. To me, that seems offensive. It seems really sexist that a man and a woman can have the same problem. And on a woman, it's called a yeast infection. They took the two nastiest words in the English language. They pushed them together. They imply she had sex with a sandwich. And then men, they're like, jock itch. If you're like, that dude's got jock itch, I'd be like, wow, he must be in great shape. Three girls and one gentleman. Is that correct? Are you dating one of the ladies or just ruining a night? Okay. How do you four know each other? College. Where do you go? What school? ASU. You graduated in one year? What? Switch schools. Let me tell you a little something about having sex with three women. I set you up so beautifully. You should have been like, yeah, I graduated in one year. But then what school did the three girls go to? ASU. What a great school. What's that? You said I'm full of ----? I sound high as ----. Okay. Well, you sound high and mighty as ----. Looking down on me since the moment I walked in. You look fit. I'm predicting and let me guess, macho job. Oh ----. All right. Sorry, guys. That's on me. That is on me. This is a lesson in how bad the drug problem has gotten here. So far reaching. Are you the girlfriend? Okay. So you'll talk to him about that Schwarzenegger impersonation? Yeah. We all think no sex for a month would be too fitting. How long have you been together for? Whoa, okay. That's a long time. I mean, that's longer than you're supposed to be with someone. I apologize. Maybe you'll get married. It would really help my set if you proposed during my set. Do you guys live in the city? You still live in Staten Island? Oh, okay. I'd probably rectify that situation before I ask someone to spend an afternoon with me, let alone their whole life. Are you guys similar ages? Okay. That works, right? Does it make up for the ******* ferry ride tonight? Are you guys a couple? No. Oh, okay. Just friends? Oh, okay. How long have you been friends for? 2017. Mathematic teacher, get ready. If they were friends since 2017, and it's now 2022, why is she still with the guy from Staten Island? What do you two do? That's ******* crazy. I mean, for me, it's more of a hobby, but that is... You know when you love something and you're like, I don't want to do this professionally, but you just... That's impressive. You help people heal, right? Neuromuscular therapy. Yes. NMT. Not so ******* dyslexic, am I? What's your boyfriend's occupation? You don't have a boyfriend? Crazy. What's that? Do I have a girlfriend? Wow. Bumble Live. I don't want to get into it, but I'm just so heartbroken. No, it's not complicated. She broke up with me because I like neurotherapy too much. Can you guys get back together just for the rest of the set? Oh, it seemed like you were breaking up. Oh, good. I want to hear the whole thing. For me not to be as sexist as the last guy. Okay. May I make an observation? Comedy might not be your thing. Everyone has a different take. I mean, I myself, of course, am a feminist. Do you have kids? Not yet. Oh, okay. My hesitation to have kids, sir, it's going to be about me for a minute. She was insecure. Some people are insecure, right? Men and women. Men and women can both be insecure. Right now, I'm focusing on bitches. She was born a woman. They always want the best for you. What's that? They always want the best for you. They always want the best for you. Oh, okay. When I say woman, I didn't mean your mom. How long have you been with your girlfriend for? Going on nine years. Nine years? Oh, my goodness. That's crazy. Nine years, but you're still dating? Yes. Oh, okay, but maybe someday. Right? Right. Okay. If either of you meet the right person. Who are you here this evening with? My daughter. You must have a cool relationship with your daughter, because a lot of parents wouldn't bring their daughter to a comedy show in case the comic was talked about. The ---- I'm about to talk about. That's cool. My mom's out of town. Your mom's out of town? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I'm not going to go home with your dad, baby. It's not that there's... It's not that... You know what I mean? You couldn't have just waited three jokes before you proposed? Not father to me. Do you go to college? I just graduated. You graduated? What did you study? Psychology. Do you want to be a therapist? No. Oh, good. Okay. I dated a therapist, and it was very untherapeutic. She was really into astrology, and don't get me wrong, I am obsessed with horoscopes as much as the next guy trying to get laid. Do you find that disturbing? If your job is to give people advice, and you're, like, referring to the stars, do you think that's a bad... I mean, I love astrology, too, so... Are you kidding me? What star sign are you? Aquarius. My rescue cat is Aquarius. How long have you guys been together for? About 15 years. Are you married? No. Oh, okay. Trust me, I won't bring that up when she comes back. Yeah, you don't want to arrest me for anything. Where did you guys meet? At the house party. When she comes back, I'm going to pretend that you talked to me and arranged for you to propose. How you doing? Oh, you were gone. We did a little survey, and you were voted the most patient woman in Connecticut. I heard you guys met at a house party. His virgin. Oh, his... God, you must be horny waiting for this big night. Oh, are you having a baby? Oh, that's beautiful. Oh, you are. Didn't really check in with that virgin story you told me. They're very religious, these two. Maybe when he's old enough, the baby could be your best plan.