Most SAVAGE Matt Rife Moments!_2

Are you a socks on or socks off kind of guy? Oh, I can't stand that guy. I slip. With the lawn? Yeah, yeah. Cause, you know, if you like... If you like some bad... You know, where I'm standing... I'll be like this. You know, I'll be like... See, the big dude know what I'm talking about. He like... You guys unite. I just don't believe you be standing... I do. You look like a you get on top kind of guy. No, I got good upper body strength. So, I'll be like, you know... I just think it's cute your nipples touch hers. Oh, I can't... He just had a baby. I don't know. Somebody let him... Phoenix and LA are a lot more similar. That guy is going to ----. I can tell. You what? He got a ---- walk. He's like... I got to get to the bathroom. Shit, I got to get to the toilet. It's such a long walk, too. I'm a ******* growing a tail right now. He's not even going to wipe. I got to get back out there. I'm going to end up on TikTok as a ---- guy. Where was you sitting? Where was you sitting? Whose man was that? That's your man? I was hoping he would have like a jacket or something I could put on. God damn it. Did he leave his purse down there or anything? That's your husband? Not yet. Engaged? Congratulations. When's the fiesta? You don't have a date yet? I want a ******* invite when you figure it out. Are you Latino? Yeah, I would love to go. Pretty please. I've never been to a Mexican wedding and I ******* always wanted to. Why are you assuming she's Mexican? I mean... She's not taking care of white kids. Where's the... Oh, is that too much? Is that too soon? I told her when you were gone, I want an invite to this ******* wedding. Are you Hispanic as well? Half. Oh, good for you, girl. Got a good job? Truck driver. For the ---- company? No, man. For her family. Bro, she's laughing and that's the only thing that matters, okay? Shut up, you ******* white people. A lot of what? A lot of Jews here? I gotta go somewhere. Jewish? Single? No, both married? Where are your husbands? They didn't want to come? They did want to come? Aw, alright, never mind. I won't **** their wives. In the white, what's your husband do? A banker. Jewish? And what does yours do? He's an anesthesiologist, but I'm a gynecologist. He's an anesthesiologist and you're a gynecologist. You guys don't work together, do you? How many vaginas do you think you've seen in your life? Not including yours or your friends. I've seen more than you. You've seen what? You've seen more than me? You'd have to work overtime, bitch. There's no way. I don't think I'm going to be a gynecologist. It's kind of like when it's too much of a good thing. Like you can get desensitized a little bit. Then you see a pussy in public and you're like... In the white shirt, you said what your husband does. What do you do? I sell real estate. You sell real estate. That's not funny. Sometimes you get something, sometimes you don't. You tried to lead me the right way? I appreciate that. Thank you. Let me smell your fingers. You stay over there. They got a gynecologist at Walmart. It's inside the vision center. Alright, now don't blink. You're going to feel a puff of air. Your arm in a sling? What'd you do? You tore your rotator cuff? Is it affecting your work? What do you do? You're an artist? What do you artiste? I paint. What kind of stuff? We're talking abstract, portraits, landscape. What's your thing? It's kind of abstract. That means it's not good. No, it's good sideways. You got to close your eyes when you look at it. And imagine what you think it's supposed to look like. 59! When's your birthday? February 3rd. Oh, it just passed. You got one more year. What are you looking forward to about 60? It's a big one. Slowing down with my career. Slowing down with your career. I don't think it's popping off. How exhausted are you as an artist? I just can't turn these splatters into birds anymore. I'm tired of throwing cans at canvases. You married? Single. A 59-year-old artist isn't drowning in pussy. No way. Gay? Gay. So you would drown in pussy. Here, sweetheart. What's your name? Kelly. Yeah, you didn't have a choice. It's going to be an easy transition, Kelly. When was your last relationship, Kelly? Currently in one right now. Currently in one right now. You just said single a second ago. Dick got your tongue. I'm more impressed by the painting or gynecologists. You paint at all? I'm working with mostly reds. If you're good, it's watercolors. That's gross. Stupid. What's inside her fake boot? What's inside her fake boot? You really have fake boots? Did you have breast cancer? Or you just wanted to get it done? You had breast cancer? What'd you get now? You could take out the silicone? No, you can't. You swear to God? No f***ing way. This is like a game of Operation. Get the f*** out of here. Let me see that. Your titty's shaped like an avocado. Oh, I'm going to sign it. Hold on. I'm not going to lick it. You guys are f***ing gross, dude. Oh my God. You ever just sit a titty on a stool? Oh, it's stuck to my phone. You owe me a new phone. This is insane. Did you just get the one or is there another one in there? No, I'm kidding. There's two of them in there? Well, don't take them. You can take the sedan out if you want. Unless you're going to take it back out. I'll keep it up here the rest of the show. Give it to me. You can keep the side one. Give me the other one. That one's used. Oh, God. Is that rude? What? Can I sign your book? Can I sign my book that you own? Let me see it. It's a New York Times bestseller. That's the dumbest thing I've ever said. I wish that didn't happen. It came off so gross. I feel like that's kind of not fair, by the way. I'm not going to throw it. Imagine how fucked up. This is somebody else's titty. This is somebody's livelihood. Alright. I'm not throwing it. It's going on my mantle. You got a nipple piercing? If you take out the nipple piercing, I'll pierce the titty. I will do that. Oh, ----. I got you. Get the **** out of here. No way. I got you. You owe my seat. Need a surgeon's hands. This is insane. Nobody tell anybody that the show ended like this, by the way. Everybody would be like, That was cool. We heard some stories. We're going to watch Pet Sematary. I'm going to get a job at Claire's. This thing is impenetrable. This thing might be ******* bulletproof, dude. You need a safety pin? A safety pin? You got a safety pin, too? I love that this is a group effort. I love that other people are now vested in this titty. Give me the safety pin. Did this come out of your titty, too? I don't like how close that is. Alright, we've made an insertion. Incision? Whatever. **** you guys, Texas. You guys don't know ----. Oh, we've got entry. This is the dumbest show of my entire life. I'm screwing it. Before I take it home and screw it. This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life, dude. If you ---- together, you can actually enjoy the drug, perhaps. 18 months clean, as I'm in here encouraging people to do drugs? Oh, wow. What's that look? I'm part of my recovery. I'm part of your recovery? Are you nervous right now? Oh my god, you're so cute. She's nervous because she's shaking. And I was like, 18 months my ass. That's so ******* awesome. Are you kidding me? What do you have with you? What is that? Is that Alex's keychain? Yeah, I'll make his merch better. I'll do that for her. I got you. Recovery meth addicts? You have such a nice smile. She won't even do it. Come on. That's my waist marker. Don't smell it, alright? Your shirt as well? Here, you take this. I'm gonna sign your titty right here, alright? Go sit down. I love you too. What the ****? Jesus Christ, dude. Has anybody ever been to prison? On the corner here? I'm interested to hear about female prison. Hold on a second. Alright, you don't have to stand. It's not court. Those days are behind you. You don't have to do that. All rise. How long were you in there for? Five years? They're coming for you. Angel's going off right now. It's the ghost of Leonard Skinner. Actually, hide this side. That hurt. Okay, got it. How long were you in there? Five years. How long ago did you get out? Six months ago. Six months ago? Oh. Okay. What changed the most that when you got out again, you were like, the world's different about this? What surprised you the most? Your daughter? That you had one? How old is she now? She's what? She's five? You sure she's yours? A boyfriend before you went in? You did, okay. So you had her right before you went in. She was two months old. Oh my God. Well, they gotta learn how to use the phone someday. You know what I mean? That's actually kind of cute. She would put her hand up and draw a turkey around it on the glass and ----. That's actually pretty cute. Where is she now? In the car? With her ex-boyfriend? He's in prison too? What's he in prison for? What was it? Trafficking? Trafficking drugs. God. Well, we met one of his clients earlier, so I think I think she can leave a pretty good review, I would assume. You Welsh? No. Where are you from? England. Faggot! No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't know if you can say that here or not. You definitely cannot in the States. And who are you here with tonight? Your girlfriend? Hi, girlfriend. You ever done any drug? Ever? Never once? You can't be from here. You're not? Where from? England. Faggot! No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's the last time. I think I get two. Two is the limit, I'm pretty sure. Just every person we meet from England tonight. Not gay, right? You are for real? You're lying. I meant cigarettes. I think I get lost in translation of swear. Are you really gay? Then I retract. Still faggot though. Still faggot. No ******* one of the ******* odds. What's your name? What is it? Henry. Pleasure to meet you, Henry. Who are you here with tonight, Henry? Ryan? Boyfriend Ryan? No, just a friend? Okay. Also gay? Yes. Okay. Just ******* scoping it out. Wow. 23. Gay. Never done Molly. I say go for it. You've already put way worse things in your body. I think you're going to be alright. You're going to be okay. Henry, you in university? No. You working? Unemployed? What? What do you want to do? Dream job? Pilot. Flight attendant? Maybe. We know who doesn't have a nut allergy. Ryan, what about yourself? You're a cop? Really? Not again. Not knowing what we know now. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. Would have been funny, but I can't commit. No, no, no, no, no. When's the last time you arrested somebody? A few months ago. I work in control. You work in control? What does that mean? Your top? Attaboy. What weapon do you have? So we just have batons and pepper spray. Batons and pepper spray. I'm angry. I know it stings. But it's just the gayest weapon. It sounds gay. Okay. Ryan? Where's Henry? Toilet. The toilet? Which one? Cute. Is he taking a ----? Yes? Shouldn't be long then. That was a bit much. Are there speakers in the bathroom? No? Okay. Some venues are like that so that people don't miss the show. They can hear through the speakers. It just wouldn't have been funny to **** with them. Get out of that glory hole, Henry! Anyways. Henry! This is the bathroom. Do you get lockjaw? Ryan was talking ----. We weren't even talking about you. Where are you? Oh, it's the light from Matt. I was like, what's ******* flashing on you guys over there? I didn't say hello already. Good to see you again. How old are you? 22. What's your name? Liam. Pleasure to meet you, Liam. Gay? Really? Dude. On one tonight. This is crazy. Really? Nice, Liam. Liam, are you single? No. Boyfriend. Where's he at? Home. Where's home? London. Do it. Call him the word. No, no, don't. Don't. Do not. I will kick you out of here. Do not do that. Nice to meet you, Liam. I can have a what? I can have a pass? Why, thank you. Any black people feel like doing the same thing? Like the show's been going pretty well. Like maybe just fire off a couple. Too cute, Liam. Can't be too careful. I'm surrounded now. Hold on. I bet there's one more gay in here. Hold on. Is that a flashing wristband? Yeah, that's a pretty gay. Female? No. Man? Since when? All the time. All the time? Born a man? Yeah. Really? Huh. Nice to meet you. How old are you? 19. Second row. 19? You're 19? Yeah. You look like a pixie. You're 19 years old. You would be a pedophile's dream. 19. Sorry, you caught me very off guard. What is your name? Devin. Devin? Yeah. Devin. Yeah. Devin. Okay. Gay? Really? I'm starting to think I'm magic, dude. Like, what if I'm just turning people gay? No. That's... ****. I didn't know... Maybe you just love flannel? I didn't know. That's awesome. Nope. Let's reel it in. Let's... No. No one's gonna chant it. All right? Gaunt. No, I'm not gonna make 5,000 people do it unless everybody wanted to and then it'd be really funny. No. No, no. Please don't do that. Please don't do it. No, do not start jumping cunt. This isn't a football game. Bridgerton was full of ----, dude. There's no fairy tales in this land. Cunts are unbelievable. How was the show in Wales? 5,000 people chanted cunt for a solid 30 seconds. Not a positive, you guys, off the rails, unbelievable. The finances of the school, pretty much buying supplies for the kids, the why the **** did I have to do that? Remember on your first day of school they'd be like bring Kleenex, bring markers, bring pencils, bring a classroom if you have one. You had to bring ******* everything, there was a budget for that? Now we know, alright. They still do that. They still do that? Where the ****'s the money going? Metal detectors? When you were in school, when you were growing up, what did you want to do? I wanted to get into the Air Force. Why didn't you do Air Force? I got discouraged, I guess, because they get away from family, so they don't want to get away from family. Oh, because it would have taken you away from your family? Oh, that's ******* sad. Especially because someone could take you from your family without going to the Air Force. What's your dream? I want to be a painter. Like contemporary art or like this ----? I want to like make art that hangs up in galleries and make lots of money. What's stopping you from doing it? From just diving on in? Right after art school when I finished it was really hard on my ego to like get into criticism and stuff and I went to hair school and now I'm a hairdresser. And I love it, I'm really good at it, but yeah. So it was the criticism of people just being like oh I don't like your art. Somebody said it's a waste of wall space. A waste of wall space? That ******* hurts. Yeah, especially because it was on the border, you know? Wall space. Yeah, the criticism. It's not fun to hear people who don't like your stuff, huh? Yeah, you should read my Twitter. You think people are mean to you about art. Try making a joke about Baltimore. Jesus Christ. You're never going to get that. So did the world. I can relate to you on that. It's hard to deal with the criticism, but if it's your passion and what you feel like at the core of your heart you feel like you're doing the right thing, the thing you're meant to do, you gotta just say **** them. Now, that's a bit of a tough position for both of us because I have to create an art that is not just for me. Like, I have to want people to want to come experience it and hang out with me at the same time, right? Same for you. You have to create something somebody would want to spend money on. Now, luckily for you, there's a lot of stupid people. Art is so subjective. You ever been to a modern art show? It's just ******* this. A stick on a white frame. People are like, four million dollars. I'll take it all. It's so simple, yet so complex. Martin. Who does these paintings? His name is Diaglo. Diaglo? Yeah, he's 23 from Rockville, Maryland. Oh, ----. A 23-year-old did this? Yep. That's terrifying. Can you imagine if you came in here on acid? You'd walk straight into a ******* nightmare. This looks like one of those rugs that used to be in doctor's offices where the wild things are, but mixed with that ----. Look at the ******* sun, dude. He looks like Jackson. Tell me that's not Jackson. Stand right here. Smile. That's all. I was saying, that's you. You know how the Teletubby's son used to be a baby's face? That's your Teletubby. Don't laugh at him. Back in the basement. Do you sell the actual pieces from here? If somebody here wanted to buy one of these pieces, could they do it? Yes. You bought one? Really? From which... It's not here, obviously. Was it a similar style thing? Yeah. You can't be selling out three grand like that. You an art aficionado, or you just like that one piece? I like that piece. Just that piece? Yeah. What do you do? I do a little bit of everything. A little bit of everything? Can I see some papers? Can you guys hand me a receipt for the paper? You're an entrepreneur also. You look pretty new, man. Are you wearing a dream? I am, yeah. Well, then you've got to say what it is. Yeah. They work with me. They're my best friends. He works at the school as well? No. We're all friends. Oh, all together. God, I'm sorry. So you guys work together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're best friends and we do work together. At the school as well? No, no, no. His business. No, his business. He's my best friend and he's the president of my company. He's the president of your company. He had a full-time job at the school, but he's working with us. He's our AR, AP guy. What is the sub-business? So, I own a franchise. It's like a service, cleaning maintenance type of business. Oh, okay. And you run that ----? Yeah, we have here in Virginia, Maryland, D.C., and Austin, Texas, and San Antonio. Oh, **** yeah, man. So, if we threw a party here, could we hire the services to come clean this place? No. It's not that type of business. Oh, for real? I'll bet. You start with the walls, man. Oh, waste man. Yeah, we're pet waste man. We pick up dog ----. You pick up dog ----. Now, for real, man. I do a little of this, a little of that. I do my own business. We clean up dog ----. I'm an entrepreneur. And as you should. Entrepreneur. As you should. I'm trying to figure out where the pet cleanup would be. Is this like doggy day care? Backyard. People in the backyard. You can pay someone to pick up dog ---- in the backyard? Yeah, like our demographics are upper middle class and above. I figured. Yeah, I pictured it was just rich, snobby people. Poor people are like, I need the wand. Have you cleaned enough dog ---- to now know like what kind of dog did it? Not yet. I was just curious. I didn't know if you could tell me. Okay, this is Chihuahuas. You can tell the size. I don't like that you guys are judging by the size now. Now, what if you're a big dog and you take a little ----? People are like, I'm not for real. Like, fellas, you know how like you ever have to piss next to somebody? You want to make sure it's a deep stream. They think your dick is closer to the water than it really is. Did y'all know that we did that? Oh, yeah. If anybody is even in the public restroom with you, you're like, okay, I got to get center. I got to get as low as possible. They need to feel like my dick is under the water. So I'm curious if anybody else in here has ever had a scary dream that has just ******* stuck with them. Like two of this. Oh, wow, that's fast. Yeah. What happened? I mean, it would be long to explain the whole thing, but the end of it was I thought there was a murder in my house. And I distinctly remember standing outside of my house, looking in with the cops. And the cops came in and slept on the floor of my bedroom because I thought the murder was still in the house. And I woke up feeling someone's hand on my arm. And it was like long fingers. And so I went like this. I've never forgotten it ever. And I used to get to the end. You're outside with the cops. You're like, he's in there for sure. And the cops are like, we'll sleep on your floor to make sure you're good. Even the cops were dead. Oh, ----. They were all dead on the floor. And the murder was like in my bed and his hand like grabbing. That's when I woke up. Oh, I thought you meant the cops were like, no, we're going to sleep in bags. Well, they did. They did allegedly fall asleep in bags. Allegedly. Again, the murder was pressing some kind of long, gangly fingers on your arm. Yeah, terrifying. That is ******* creepy. The long hands always creep me out. Whenever they get like a demon or something like that in a movie, something about long fingers always freaks me the **** out a little. Do you still live in this house? I know it was in law school, so it's... You're a lawyer? Yeah. Good for you. Allegedly is probably why. Allegedly, yeah. It's filibuster. What? She just went, what? Filibuster is when you just, you talk and no one else can interrupt you while you're talking, right? That's what I just did. Yeah, you did a filibuster. Yeah, ******* filibuster. Filibuster. This feels powerful. I feel more legal. Okay. So this is 15 years ago. You were in law school. No, I wasn't 15. I was probably 10. Oh, you were 10. Okay. I wasn't 10. It was 10-ish years ago. I thought you said 15 years ago. Well, I don't remember. Objection. Your side. I went to Ole Miss. It was a brand new... You went to Ole Miss? Yes, Honda, yeah. Oh, man. They let lawyers go to Ole Miss? How long were the fingers? If you're looking at a normal hand, were they like another two inches longer than you? Oh, easily. Like, was it boring a lot? Like, it was almost a really good dream? I've never been arrested, so... You've never been arrested? Well, almost one time. I was like 19. Drinking tequila at a different house. You went to a frat party? I was 19. Shame. You were in a sorority? Yeah. Which one? It was at Arkansas. I went to school with a lot of girls from, like, Dallas. Like, the Dallas area that all kind of thought they were hot ----. Oh, yeah. Dallas girls do think they're hot ----. But they won't move to LA. Not your ******* place. One star, because it's one star. Yeah, you hot in Dallas. Don't bring that ---- over here. You don't have any kids, do you? Absolutely not. 25? Yeah. Sure. No? 32. 32? Good for you. Congratulations. Do you want kids on the... Maybe. I've got dogs. 32. I'm getting ticked off. She's gonna go fund me for you to have a baby? Open the egg freezing. Oh, open the egg freezing. God, God. I'd like her to say, go fund me for you to get pregnant. I'd say, give me the go fund me. People can make donations. That's actually not a bad idea. Nobody ******* takes that. People in the shark tank need that. Like, for people who just can't get pregnant with their partners, maybe their partner's, like, more sterile or something, you should be bringing a bunch of people. Get it on video. That doesn't scare you, though, to freeze your eggs? Yeah, because, like, we're fucked with it. I've just never... I've never eaten a frozen Hot Pocket that the center wasn't still frozen. And that's how the flavor happens. Like, maybe he, like, he looks dope, but inside he's just like... ****, it's still frozen. Hot Pockets really hit home for me, guys. Do you have a cane, too? Shut up. May I ask what you have yours for? Spine problem. Cancer? Get the **** out of here. I'm so sorry. The headdress? No, I didn't... I didn't know if you were Tupac or something. I didn't know. Nobody knows where he's at. I don't want to be presumptuous. You currently have cancer? ****, what stage? Four. God. Damn. So... That's whose mom? That's my mom. Right there? Right, sitting right behind you? You didn't want to sit next to your dying mother? Kind of rude. My lord. Is your daughter... Do you even know this lady behind you? That is your daughter? Okay. What's your name? Angie. Pleasure to meet you. She's not dead yet. She's not dead yet? Okay. That was her daughter that yelled that, by the way. Somebody's waiting for an inheritance. She's not dead yet. The poster's there. This is your poster right here? Yeah. Can you kiss it? Can I kiss it? Yeah. You signed it. Can you kiss it? Oh, you have one of the ones that I signed before the show? Oh, that's so ******* cute. Can you kiss it? Can I kiss it? Wait, hold on. Let me make sure. Angie, this is your poster, right? This isn't this bitch's poster, is it? And hers. And hers? Which one's yours, Angie? That one. This one? This one's yours? I licked my own nipple. I hope that does something for you. That's very, very sweet. You're very cute, Angie. What are you drinking? What is that? Coke. I'm on chemo weekly, so I'm just on the... Coke. You're doing chemo weekly. Do you have anything on the actual bucket list that you'd really like to ******* do? Take your top off. Yeah, Angie. Take your tits out. Take your ******* tits out. Angie! No, it's so funny, because that's not who she was talking to, you ******* maniacs. That's so funny. You take your top off. Let's see you pull them titties out of your belt. Let's see. Is there anything activity-wise on the list for you, Angie? Anything and everything. This ain't your wish! Angie, would you like a selfie? Yes, I would. Okay. You can hand it to me. What's that? And the daughter? Nah, she'll be here for a while. I'm okay. I'll come down here. Do you have a camera? Is this your camera? Yeah, that's my... Angie! Thank you. Time is of the essence, daughter! Alright, as long as we're right here. Ready? I'm taking lows. Okay, you're taking lows? I'm tired. Not your first time. Drunken daughter. I'm tired. There we go. Angie and... Tyler. Tyler? Tyler. State your pronouns, Tyler. She, her. Alright, you're my least favorite person. There we go. Give me a hug, Angie. Come here. Thank you. Thanks for being so ******* sweet. Thanks for getting out of the house and having a good time. Tyler. Angie, since we're on... Since we're morbid as **** already. Can I ask you one? Buried or cremation? Cremation. Cremation? Really? Why? I don't want somebody to have to visit. You don't want somebody to have to visit. That is very considerate. An egg timer in a snow globe? That's ******* gross. That's so cute. But instead of the snow, it's just your ashes in there? That is so cute. What's the setting? What's the setting in the snow globe? You don't know what the daughter's gonna do? Well, she's gonna sell those snow globes on Etsy. That's my guess. Any questions for me? You've been very open about your personal life tonight and I appreciate that. And if the daughter... Get the **** out of her ear right now. Do I do house visits? I'm not ******* Uber Eats. For you or ******* Tyler? For Tyler. Tyler, what kind of performance are you expecting out of this house visit? Articulate your needs. Communication. You what? Your mom's here? Not for long, bitch. Speak up. I know. Am I your first American comedian you've ever seen? Yeah. Really? I take honor in that. Thank you. This is a ******* cool venue to see. You know, the Beatles used to play here a ton. It's pretty ******* crazy. On this ******* stage. Yeah, I know. Wait. When I was 15, I got on the stage and the bands were playing. When you were 15, you would get up on this stage while the bands were playing? You gotta come back up here. Would you? Are there stairs? I'm gonna have my security come around and get you. You want to go over? You go right out that door. You'll take a right. Straight into the furnace. You can't miss it. That was fucked. I know it was. Give me one more. Good to see ya. You can't see anything? No. You see that bright light up there? Yeah. You're gonna want to go straight to that. It's not coming for me yet, man. It's not coming for you yet? Yeah. I think you've got a lot of time. So you were saying... Sorry, I used one of these. Can I turn this microphone on real quick? So when you were 15, you used to get up here and just dance with the bands? No, just get up here and didn't know what to do once you're up here. So bands would be up here and you would just jump on and... Alright, alright. Hold on. No, we'd get up and we'd come to the band, whoever was here. You would just come and hang out with whoever the band members were up here? And they'd stand there like that. And would you dress like Scrooge McDuck when you were that young as well? Yeah, yeah. Do you remember any of the bands you came to see here? China Crisis, Duran Duran. You saw Duran Duran? Yeah. Look at your feet, all cute. It's chemo feet. Yeah, chemo feet. Yeah, they look like Deadpool's feet, but a little bit. They do. And what's your favorite way to pamper yourself? Are you... Physically, do you like shoes? Is it dresses? Is it jewelry? Is it a manicure, pedicure? What's usually the way? Yeah, spa days. Spa days? Do you have a favorite one that you usually go to? I usually go to Cadden Park in... Cadden Park? Cadden Park in... Do you want to go tomorrow? I'm going to send you to the spa tomorrow, okay? Absolutely. Spa day, tomorrow, on me, okay? I'm going to have my security talk to you and your trans daughter after the show. And we'll get you taken care of. I just wanted you to be back up on the stage one more time. Thank you for hanging out with me. You're the sweetest. Thank you so much. Lovely to meet you. So nice to meet you. I'm going to give you back to Grant. Come on. There we go. The only thing that will make this crazier is if she's faking it. Like, that would be... That would be ******* nuts. Does your shirt say, I heart Cumming? It's where I'm from! Go back. Go back right now. There's a place called Cumming, Georgia. Yeah! I don't know if I can make it. Come. You can wear it. I can wear it? What? You can wear it! This is for me? Yes! Thank you. I appreciate it. Thanks. Where'd you get this? We made it! You made this? You're way too proud it's not that good. Alright, relax. Put it on! I'm not putting it on. I have on a good shirt. How old are you? 23. 23? Yeah. You still aren't good at arts and crafts? What's your name? Kira. Kira, nice to meet you. Kira. Who's your friend? Kendall. Kendall? Kira and Kendall? Yes. Okay. Kira, Kendall, Kelly. KKK? You guys are all going to get pregnant by black guys. I can tell already. Because God is good. All the time. Boss. Hello, boss. What are you her boss at? What's the job? T-shirts! Do you make the t-shirts? No. This came from a business? I have a review. Stop looking at it. You gave it to me. What does it smell like? Failure. People really jerk off into their socks? No, right? Are you rug burning that mother f***er? That's so... You goddamn Neanderthal. That's insane. Wool socks! Wool? That's a hard material to clean. Cool. How'd you know that? She almost caught me. Almost? I think you got caught. If she almost caught you, this wouldn't be a conversation. She would have to deal with this. No, you didn't. You were jerking off into wool. That's pretty fun. Did you catch him a sock in hand? And he was like, ah. You spill something? Someone came on my sock. He starts gaslighting her. Who is this? This is her father. That's pretty funny. That's a funny thing for your in-laws to know about. Guess he was not getting socks for Christmas. I got caught one time. You think the door is locked and somebody comes right through. You have two options. You can either turn the porn off or put your dick away. So then you just pull up the blanket and you're like, what's up? Just watching porn. What's going on? I'm getting caught up. On her own, she said, we have a friend who jerks off on his stomach. Hold on, on his own stomach or onto his stomach? Hey Ryan, can you come over? You don't even have to touch it, but can you just lay down? I need a target. What's his name? Just first name. His name is Jesse. His brother's blind? Both of them are blind? So he doesn't even know he's coming on his stomach. He's just walking around like a cinnamon roll the rest of the day. Oh man. Oh ****. Lean with that. Oh my God. He doesn't even know. His brother's blind too? Do they both do it? Now I just can't stop thinking about it. No, it's *******, it's not even funny. It's just gross. Nevermind. Okay, so say if both the blind kids, not kids, the grown men, were coming on their stomach and they were like, chest bump. I know. Didn't I tell you? I told you. You gotta peel them apart like Velcro. I know, I know. This isn't how I wanted the show to end. You think I wanted to say something like that? I know it's ******* nasty. But he's blind, so have some respect. Oh man. I wonder how he got blind if he used to shoot further. Oh, this show got weird. You guys are a cool family. Really looking forward to that wedding. Are the blind guys gonna be there? Oh man. Are they gonna be performing? You were hoping I would perform? I couldn't cover my own stomach. I couldn't reach it for sure. I can give you upper thigh at best. But that's not gonna woo, you know what I mean? I don't want sympathy, I want gasps. Louis C.K. is probably available. A lot of people don't get that one. He was a very famous comedian. He's a great comedian, but he was jerking off on people. It wasn't illegal, but it was not okay. Not okay. And he is not blind. I knew he was doing it. Is that where you're from? Oh yeah, that's an American voice. Hi. What are you doing over here? Wait, you're down here? How the **** are you doing that? Why did it sound like he was coming from up here? I'm sorry, balcony. Here? Right here? Right there. That's exactly where I pointed. And he said, she's down there. Hi. Yeah, that's where I'm looking. It's not about y'all. It never has been. Right there. Hi. What are you doing here? Nice. Where is he? He's up there? Oh. What's up, dog? What's your name? Sam. Nice to meet you. How's Proto? Lame. That was stupid. Where'd you meet Miss California? In San Francisco? Can I have a long story? Skip it. All right. Never mind. I don't have that kind of time. A death row case. Ooh. You guys are so middle school. You work for Netflix or something? Like what? Were you doing a documentary or are you a lawyer? A lawyer. One of your clients was on death row? Yeah. Is he alive? Yeah. You won the case. Nice. You don't know if he did this ---- or not. You guys are just cheering for him doing a good job. That might have been a great murderer. We don't know. What were they trying to get him for? Double homicide. That takes skill. That's not just one, but that's two. I don't know your jargon, dude. And you don't think he did it? Remember when you guys were like, Still alive! I knew you ******* jumped the gun on this one. I knew it. So why isn't he dead as ****? Technical. Shut the **** up. That's insane. I know you did it, but you did it right. So we can't get you for that one. Wow! Can he kill one more? Is it too late? What'd you say? Gay? He said, uh, duh. That's your husband? Hi, husband. Nice to meet you guys. Husband, how old are you? 33. You got a sexy accent, dude. Are you Latin or just gay? What was that? Bagranquilla, Colombia. I don't know what you said, but I think I'm gay now. I think I just came out in Spanish. That was sexy as ****. I see why you did this. Born gay. How long have you been Colombian? That's so stupid. Married, you said already? I missed the ******* wedding. It was this past May. Yeah, like two weeks before we were supposed to see you. Two weeks before you were supposed to see me. I know, I know. I just couldn't support gay marriage. Too cute. I can do whatever you want. You can do whatever I want? Can you have a pussy? Can you do that? It's personal preference, really. What's happening? Gay dudes flirt hard, man. Gay dudes will flirt just enough that you go, no, no, I can't. I can't, it's not me. Oh man, a gay wedding would be ******* fun, dude. Indoor or outdoor? Both. Both? The wedding reception, it was like a glass roof with, you know, it had a switch that like, we opened the roof. You could retract the roof. Oh, that's pretty gay. This is an expensive ass wedding. Who paid for this? Not your parents. Yeah. We'll retract the roof so maybe you can get into heaven. ****, I'm mad I missed this, dude. Oh, but this is so much fun. You guys have kids? Not yet. Not yet? Keep trying.