Sean O'Brien _ Nateland Presents_ The Showcase

Hey, I'm Nate Berguzzi. I'm excited to bring you some of the funniest comedians you haven't met yet. But that's about to change. We filmed this live in Nashville, Tennessee. And yes, everyone promised to behave. This is the Nate Land Showcase. Thank you. Good to see you guys. I this is awesome. I'm I'm thrilled to be here, but I'm also I'm going to be honest with you. I'm a mess. I just got problems like for me. Like the last six months, it's been really downhill for me. Like in the last six months, I gained 30 pounds. I turned 54. I started losing my hair. Oh, my God, man. So you just got real depressed. That's a lot to happen in six months. And you know what? That's not even true. I turned 44. And you guys as a group are like, yeah, I can see that. That looks about right. Dude, eat an apple or take a steam. What is? All right. We established I look old, so that's that's nice. My hair falls. I don't care. Oh, my stupid hair, my weight. Look, it's fine. All right. It's I'm not going to tip over, but I'm not. You know, listen, I'm not a healthy 274. I mean, let's it's whatever. It's nothing fits. I can't like button down shirts over. Like I'll go to the mall. I'll walk into a Banana Republic and they're like. Nope. I mean, unless you're here for a gift card or socks, what are you doing? Get down to Old Navy. What is happening? I like Kohl's, man. They're there for us. That's a power store right there. Store, they take so many chances. I don't care over there. 90% off section. That's right. Kohl's has a 90% off section. Even Goodwill's like, dude, take it easy, guys. We're trying to make some charity here. They don't care over there. Go there, buy, spend money. They give you money back. They tip you back with Kohl's cash. They literally, if you don't understand it, you hand them money at the register and they're like, nah, you need some more. I just give it back to you. Some of it doesn't make sense. Like I only spent $15 there one time and I got $20 Kohl's cash. That's crazy. So I made $40,000 during COVID chomping at Kohl's. So let's get some pictures afterwards. That's pretty sweet. Yeah, I don't know, man. What can I tell you? I got into it with my my dad and I. We are very tumultuous. I love him. Relationship. But he he calls me recently. He goes, he goes, yeah, we got a real problem. He goes, Netflix is broken. I'm like, huh? He's like, yeah, I'm flipping through on cable. It's not popping up. I'm like, oh, all right. All right. So I see what's going on here. So I'm on the phone with him. So I'm like, all right, let's let's troubleshoot. He's like, all right, dad, do this. Take the remote. And I go in the top right. Just hit the input button. Right. Just hit input. And I'll flip over. He's like, all right. And I'm like, are we good? And he goes, yeah. He's like, it says it's on the Houdini channel. I'm glad some of you aren't laughing at that. That is so dumb. But if you're squaring at home, this guy said Houdini for HDMI 1 as if that's a word we've been using for the last 50 years. Let's talk about this for a second. He just saw an acronym, chucked vowels into it, and just coined his own word. Like his brother, oh, Houdini. And as a kid, we had Hobo and not HBO. We didn't use the VCR. We used the Vicar, according to my dad. That's who made me. I love it. Don't get me wrong. It's all that stuff, man. He's 80. The phone, complete mess. He held out. He had his stupid flip phone for like 15 years. He finally got whatever, iPhone 16 Max Pro. I don't know. Whatever it is. So whatever, I go home to visit him. And I was like, let me see your phone. I look at his iPhone. He has one app on his home screen and everything else is gone. Like no clock, no temperature, no date. He wiped out the entire hard drive on the latest iPhone. Steve Jobs, God rest his soul, couldn't have figured that out. But everything was just washed up. I'd say one app, just right in the center, right in the home screen. 80 year old guy, exactly what you think it is. That's right. It's the flashlight app. I'm sure you were thinking that. I just said it before you could. It's a big deal, gang. That flashlight's a big deal in his world. He loves it. He can't see. So he'd be at a place like this. The bill will come. It'll shine it. And then he forgets to shut it off. So what happens is he blows his battery out in 15 minutes. And then he takes the iPhone, just like piece of garbage product. He's like, this phone sucks. I could have went to Ace Hardware, got a real flashlight for $50. I was like, yeah, you should have done that. You would have saved $2,000. Now you're thinking. Again, I love him, but it's just, I don't know why I argue with him, man. He's got everything figured out. He's got strong opinions. He hates Amazon as a company. Hates them. Two reasons he hates Amazon. He tells me, he calls me. I was like, dude, you should go on for a shot. I was like, you shop. You were a plumber. You have bad knees. Go on there. Just get some stays. He's like, nah. You know what? He goes, no, why should I? He goes, you can't get a lot of stuff. I'm like, what? On Amazon? I was like, what are you? I was like, just knock it off. I go, just, what do you want? I'll put it on my account. I'll have it here tomorrow. He goes, you can't. I go, what? He goes, can you get gas? Yeah, that's right, guys. He found the one thing on that website that doesn't exist. It's a drum of fuel dropped off to the front porch. So, oh for one. Second thing he hates. What was happening? Christmas, I got him Amazon Echo. What? A little hockey puck thing. I'm like, this is beautiful. He's been screaming at me for 40 years. He'd start yelling at this thing. Nah, I was like, fair enough. This is a nice gift. You know, he opens up. Oh, great. He's all excited. He dives in. He's like, what is it? He goes, nah. I'm good. Just chucks it. I go, what is this? He goes, I don't want that thing in my house. I go, why? He goes, government's listening. I go, what? He goes, yeah, watch the news. He goes, government's in there. I don't want them hearing my private conversations. I was like, oh, all right. But gang, maybe the government's listening, maybe not. I'm not the guy to give you that answer. But if they are, after they heard him say the word Hidimmi, gotta be honest, they're probably not listening anymore. I mean, honestly, they're probably not listening to any of us because Greg O'Brien freaked them out in Rochester, New York. National hero. He's all right, though, man. He does have this thing with, he's got some OCD when it comes to, he loves this thing. I go with him to fill up his van, and when he gets gas, he has this thing. You know when you fill up the tank, the pump clicks, and you're done? He can't take it. The price has gotta be a whole number. Like, you know, he can't have any change on the pump. I don't know what happens. I'm like, I'm with him. The pump, it fills up, it clicks. It's 72.03, and he goes, that's not gonna work. I'm like, what? I go in, and he's doing it. You know what I'll show you? I gotta top it off. You know that, he's doing that little penny click, that little choo-choo-choo, the little choo, he's just locked in. 80-year-old, he's like, choo-choo-choo. He missed, he missed. We're at like 73.40. I was like, Dan, I'm tired. Get out of here, no more gas. He's like, don't talk down to me. He's like, and he's just, he's just like, choo-choo-choo. And he got it. He did, he got 74 flush, he did. Notice he got another $1.87 all over the ground. It was amazing. Yeah, it was worth it, guys. We were about one lit cigarette away from making Rochester, New York look like downtown Fallujah. So thanks for risking my life. He's right, I love him. I say he made me an album. I am a mess. I take pills. Lots of them, not the fun ones. I take all those pills that like you see like at national ads. Like people are like doing line dancing and I don't know, the Foxtrot in Australia for some reason. Like, yeah, for some reason, I don't know. I'm going to learn skydiving because I'm on Jardians. I don't get it, but whatever. That's, book it. Yeah, well, a pill, I have a poor diet. I crush Prilosec. That's my favorite pill. Just love it. I've been taking Prilosec 30 years. That's a game changer. It is. Prilosec, let me tell you, man, that's a heartburn pill. That was a big deal, man. And people used to steal that. Like 15 years ago, it was a real thing. There was an epidemic of people stealing Prilosec to which pharmacies had to lock it up. True story. Pharmacies would lock it up in a cage. Like Walgreens, they'd lock it up and you'd have to hit a buzzer, right? The page manager would come over and open the cage. Fair enough. But when you did that, this was the announcements Walgreens went with to open the cage. You hear this. Customer assistance is needed in the antacid in the diarrhea department. That's nice. Yeah, what are we for? The diarrhea department. HR department. You couldn't just say aisle three. You had to rat me out for a problem. I'm not here for me. By the way, look at me. I'm built like Jell-O. So people are already suspicious. They're like, there's probably a Pepto guy. I love Walgreens. I just say, I love them, man. I mean, I need them, but I'm not like thrilled to be there. Like, you know what I mean? They're slowly, here's what I'm getting at. They're slowly, they call themselves on the corner of happy and healthy. We're not. We never have been. Let's talk this through. That's why we're in Walgreens. Because we're in neither of those positions right now. Let's just tell the truth. I was in there last, I don't know, Tuesday, 9 p.m. picking up Xanax, which we haven't talked about. Getting Ben and Jerry's because it's two for six. Just call it what it really is. Just say, Walgreens, on the corner of fat and lonely. Just say it. If they said that, another billion a year. Just don't ask. But good for Walgreens, you know. I mean, whoever started that, they made all this money. Like, I'm not, I'm a good guy. I'm just a lazy. Like, I don't know, I gotta work 20 minutes tonight. I'll be honest, I'm losing steam. Like, I'm fading fast. Like, that's how, some people work 40 hours a week. That's when, it's all good, though. But there is problems. You can have a lazy day, right? Fair enough, you have one, but how bad does it get? Like, you're on the couch, you knock the remote over. You're like, well, it looks like I'm watching Animal Planet for the next 30 years. You want me to get up? Blow my L5. No, I got it good, though, man. I got an amazing girlfriend. I love her to death. I got an amazing dog. I love him more. I do, I don't care. Whatever, look, it doesn't matter. She's not here. It's fine. Here, let me just tell you, this is at the height of COVID. I'm out of work, so I live in St. Louis, and I'm like, well, let's just pop in. Let's go to the Humane Society just to look. Like, I don't know, I just look. So I literally, I just walk in, I go to the counter, and the woman goes, can I help you? I go, I just want to look at a dog. She goes, oh, great. She goes, at this location, you can only get up to five. I'm like, what? Up to five? I didn't say I wanted to sign up for the Iditarod. What are you talking, who's getting six? Let's put them in the jail. What are you talking about? I go, no, I don't want five. I just, whatever you got, go in the back. So she comes out with this 20 pound whatever, and he zooms right up to me. He's jumping on my leg. He's wagging his tail. He's all excited. I'm like, this is great. Two minutes, I literally go, book it. I'll take, yep, one pre-owned dog to go, please box him up. Well, I don't know. I don't know how it works. Well, here's how it works. I'll tell you how it works. You pay 100 bucks, you sign, three papers, done. I pay 100, sign, sign, sign, leash in hand, that's it. He's in the car. I have ADD, I'm not focused. I'm literally looking at him in my car. I'm like, oh no. I'm like, what is this thing? I just, I can't, it was a, listen. So I go back and I go, hey, what's my guy? She goes, yeah, I thought, I told you, she goes, that's Gus. She goes, yeah, that's the English Mastiff slash Great Dane. Oh, okay, is that what it is? You could have just said giraffe. Like, you don't have to get all fancy with this Mastiff Dane lingo, or his parents the Thundercats. Put that on the resume next time, and I'll pay attention. So, you know, I'm just doing the math, and I'm like, Mastiff Dane? I don't even know that's legal in this country. No dice, no dice. I gave him back. I go, yeah, how's that, yeah, we rescue him, I'm out. She's like, what? She's like, you're giving him? I was like, yeah, did you hear what you just said? She goes, yeah, I go, well, my application says I live in apartment D, not Yellowstone National Park, so where do I store the thing? Does he come with a barn? Maybe I take him to Wyoming every month. Just let him run the border. No dice. She just keeps pushing. She's like, no, he's a mix, he's a mix. Mixes, they don't get that big. Who are you, a used car salesperson? Yes, he's mixed with Buffalo. Yeah, they get that big. I'm out. But the thing is, I'm not. The thing is, I'm soft. She's like, come on, Mr. O'Brien, please. She's like, we're max capacity here with the dogs. He loves, she loves you, and I'm like, fine, just give him to me. She's like, I'll take him. So I did. I took him. They had six years. I got him, I think he was a year old. He was 29 pounds. And today he's 178 pounds. Yeah, that's normal. Yeah, he's just a mix. Literally, it looks like he ate himself nine times. It's unbelievable. Real fat head, looks like Barry Bonds 15 years ago. Probably a little, no big deals. But he's adorable, man. He's gentle. He's calm. Here's where you come over, you meet him, and you just give him a treat. You give him a treat. If you don't, don't worry. He's fine. He'll just eat my couch or my blinds or anything else. Yeah, he just eats everything. And it's a real problem because my buddy, I complain about, how do I even stop eating stuff? My buddy's like, you idiot. Why don't you crate him? If you put him in a crate, we wouldn't have that problem. I'm like, yeah, well, the apartment is the crate. What do you want me to put him in? Put a crate in a crate? It's animal cruelty. I'd go to prison. So I have to live with it. It's just part, it's my vice. I just have to, every six months, he just winds up and he just tees off with something in my apartment. He did. He ate my blinds, like those vertical strips. Like he just ate them. Like the one they handle from a sliding door. I started my day with 10. I got home, I had seven. He mowed down three blinds. Like, I don't mean to shoot him up. Like he ate them. Like he ate them, he swallowed them. I gave him a Prilosec and he was fine. Everything was fine. Nice, thank you so much. I really appreciate you coming. Thanks for having me.