Matt Rife's Most Savage Stand Up Moments of 2025!

Wife. Wife, congrats. How long? Six years. Six years, nice. How long have you been together? We've been married for five years. Married for five years together. So you got married after a year? Yeah, we have a son who's five. You have a son who's five? Yeah. You, what? So you have a son who's five and you've been married for five years. I'm sure those numbers have nothing to do with each other. I'm sure you guys got married out of pure love. When you were ready, I'm sure. You'll be fine. Probably be alright. Where'd you guys meet six years ago? At a dog park. At a dog park? Man, I know for a fact you don't even got a dog, bro. You're the type of ************ to go to a dog park and... Has anybody seen him? Until somebody is like, do you want me to help look for him? Yeah, maybe he ran back to my place. She gets to his house, I don't see a dog. Look again. He adopted my 16-year-old daughter, so... You adopted her 16-year-old... After y'all were married. Okay, I thought this was like pre-dog park. I was like, that's... That's a bit strange. Same day. You met three new bitches in one. Isn't that crazy? Wife, daughter, dog. Dude, I love a responsible stepdad, man. Just don't let this story end like most of those movies. Pornhub. Do you guys want more kids or no? It's plenty. One boy, one girl. You nailed it. You're fine. If I knew your son, I would know why... What's wrong with your five-year-old? You're pretty sure he's a serial killer? Yeah, let's get him homeschooled ASAP. What is he... Did you guys have three dogs? Like, what happened? Some of you guys got that a little bit late. Does anybody have any weed? That's gonna help me get through this tremendously quick. Is weed legal in Alabama? Good, because I personally love to vape. Just regular... It's a hookah stick. It's pure nicotine. Nicotine. How cool are the cops? How cool are the cops gonna be? I feel like it's this scene in ******* Gladiator. Just ******* give me a... Why'd you let me do that? Shouldn't have done that. Thank you, officer. Appreciate you. Thank you for... It's been a white privilege. I appreciate it. No, you do not have a white privilege card. Let me see this. White privilege trumps everything. Wow, dude! There's a back? This card grants its bearer happiness and success because it's the color of your skin and not the choices you make that determine your abilities to be successful. Dull. Alright, now give me the N-word pass. Trades, tradesies, tradesies. Nope. Y'all thought, y'all thought, y'all thought. Really? Well, if that isn't reparations... That's a beautiful thing right there. A black man selling white privilege. That, you know what? I love 2023. I'm actually totally okay with that. How did you know he had the card? He pulled out the card in line? That might be the whitest thing to do, by the way. You ever heard of white privilege? Yeah, I know it's a thing. No, it's really a thing. You gotta know a guy. You gotta know a couple guys. You gotta know a group of guys. We all meet on Wednesdays. We all wear white. You should really come in the morning. It's a good time. It's literally 13 bucks on Instagram. 13? Like the amendment? You guys are dressed like the Wiggles. You know that, right? Like a Fifty Shades of Sacramento. You guys are all different. Did you purposely dress in different colors? I saw my face on the shirt. That was the least concerning part of the entire organization. It was really the color coordination is what's really impressive. Yellow, red, kind of pinkish, and then green. Nice. Those photos are trademarked, though, and I'm gonna need $35,000. We're gonna have to press charges. And you guys look like you have the money. I'm following through, for sure. I'm sorry, I've just never met a pallet of pussy before. I feel like I'm trying to **** in the paint section of Home Depot. You live in Washington State or D.C.? State. Is your big foot up there? I haven't found him yet. You haven't found him yet? Keep looking. And make him wear the blue blazer when you find him. I can't get over the Wiggles design. I really can't. What's your guys' song? Good pussy. Yummy, yummy. Squish it. I don't know. I don't know the rest of the ******* songs, dude. Are you guys all single? Sort of. Sort of? Only in Sacramento or what? Is it going on TikTok? Depends on how much of a disaster your lives are. I don't know. You're single. I am. What about you? I'm married but I'm available for free drinks. Married but available for free drinks. Are you out of your ******* mind? You know what? It makes total sense that you're the one dressed like a red flag. That actually makes total sense. This completely checks out. Wow. Okay. Married. Married, single. Divorcing. Green flag. Look at that ----. Nice. And then caution. Like, what's your deal? You know what I mean? You're just kind of single floating around. Like, we'll see. Yield. Should have left ten minutes ago. We got to wrap this up because I'm trying to go back to the hotel and taste the rainbow. Why, dude? You have a cowboy job? Oh, you used to ride bulls? Three championships? Two championships? You could have lied and said three. We all would have believed you. If you would have said 15 championships, we all would have been like, Yup. You could have lied to us entirely. What's your record time? Eight-six? Eight seconds. Damn, dude. That's way too long. Right, fellas? **** you showing off for, man. You what now? Am I talking to ******* Boom Power right now? You are the most fitting person I've ever met to wear a cowboy hat thus far. Usually I just meet people who love camping with their buddies. Marine Corps. That is awesome, man. Been to many places? You can write a book? You should write a book, dude. Don't do an audio book, but... Not many people speak Copenhagen, but... When he comes, he just goes... How long you guys been married? About a year? Oh, okay, this makes so much more sense. How long you been together? Oh, you've known each other for over 20 years? Oh, okay. And then... You were like... I didn't find anybody. You wanna... Eight seconds. What happened to your ******* leg, dude? I just noticed you got a boot on. What happened? Fell off a curb. You fell off a curb? We are seeing the full spectrum of men here tonight. We are seeing... From... A man who rides dinosaurs... To a man who can't step off a six-inch curb. Has anybody ever dated somebody that they felt like because of how religious they were it was kind of like a hindrance to the relationship? Did you really? A preacher. He was a preacher? Oh, ****. What religion? Pentecostal. Aeropostal? They sold shirts? Pentecostal? What is that? Lucky you. I'm not Pentecostal, but I can read lips. I'll be okay. What was his nationality? Okay, I just wanted to make sure this wasn't just regular Spanish. You were like... How old was he? How old are you? 21? Okay. Was preacher like his full-time job? He's not speaking in tongues. He's just... Just talking ----. You don't know if he was like talking to the devil or describing his work. You flush it and it's like... It's because somebody left a demon in this toilet. Disgusting. 21. Have you seen anybody now? Nice. No. Oh, it could be a good person. Where'd you meet this guy? For nothing? How in what world do you think that's better? Okay. You traded holy water for ******* jungle juice? You don't have any kids or anything, right? No. No? Okay, good. You're 21 in Kentucky. That's like late. I know some 21-year-old grandmas who live in *******... Louisville, you know what I mean? I'm not pronouncing it like I've got a dick in my mouth. Use all your ******* letters, okay? What are you guys, ******* British? It does? If you don't get a response within two hours and you just think he's dead? No, he could just be cheating. It's not always that serious. It's not always that. Y'all gotta get some more black friends, bro. I'm telling you, man. Black dudes are so *******... Y'all read a book. I've got ESPN. Y'all gotta step it the **** up, bro. Thank you. Second, I still want to know what you smell like. I smell like murder. War veterans will get dark real quick, man. Smells like what it looks like to take a man's life and watch his breath leave his body. Sexy for him. You know what's wild? So like, I've been here one time for one night. But like, I grew up an Eagles fan in Los Angeles. Well, because neither of my parents are from the United States and we didn't have a football team in L.A. at the time. And my friend, his whole family is from Philly, so I just grew up watching the Eagles. But I really became a fan because I just like chunky chicken noodle soup and Donovan McNabb was the spokesperson. I was like, that's my quarterback right there. We did get married on Super Bowl Sunday this year, though. We did, we did, because the Super Bowl discount was so good. My friend was like, dude, you should bet your honeymoon fund on the Eagles. And I was like, that's a terrible idea. And he's like, hey man, listen, marriage is a risk and so is betting the spread. I'm from like the middle of Missouri, a place called St. Clair, Missouri. Which means, thanks. Really? You're the only one that got out. Oh my gosh. If there's a tractor parked out front, I'm like, oh, I know her. That's a good question. What tech company is it? This went from an interview to a job fair so fast. What'd you get laid off for? Did they give you a reason? Oh, you worked at Google? Damn. Why'd they lay everyone off? Boycott Google. That'll last seven seconds until someone at home has to Google why we're boycotting Google. They're like, ****, I just did the thing we weren't supposed to do. Do you want to keep working at a tech company or do you want to do something else? You were so ready to go back. I want to be very clear, the microphone wasn't even near my face when that was said. And this is why we don't pull our phones out and record during the show. So, are you going to go back? How far does that drive? Yeah, your demands. Tell them to ******* throw in 40 acres while they're at it. I know they got it. I got Google Maps. What's your full name? Leonard Charles William? That's how you got hired at Google. And then you showed up after a two-hour drive and they were like, yeah. Yahoo! Man, use that to your advantage, bro. You earned that. You know what I would like to actually give you right now? This is so crazy and this is something I never thought I would do. I wanted to hold on to it forever because it was the funniest ******* thing in the world. I was in Huntsville, Alabama like two weeks ago, right? And I was talking to this like the most white trash dude you've ever seen, right? And the topic came up of like white privilege and he was like, oh, I got a card for that. And I was like, ah, it's very funny, obviously. Like, have you used the white privilege card? The term or whatever? And he was like, no, for real. I was like, what are you talking about? And he gave me this thing. Yeah, I keep it in my wallet, dude. In case I get pulled over. It's a white privilege card, bro. He gave it. Do you want it? Come get this ----, bro. Come here. Come get it. There you go, bro. Will you read it to the people on the back when it says? Alright, on the back it says. You loud enough, bro. You got a projective voice, my man. This card grants its bearer happiness, success. What the ****? Because it's the color of your skin and not the choices that make you. The choices that you make to determine the abilities to be successful. Now, you're not getting that job back. That's all you. You can definitely have it, man. Absolutely. God bless you. Be safe. Check your credit score. It just jumped. You're welcome. Slater, what's the dream? What's the first thing you want to do with white privilege? I'm gonna **** some white women. Wait, hold on. What? Are you really? You're gay, too? I have another card for you. Hold on a second. You black and gay? Bro, give me my ******* card back, dog. You are untouchable right now. You can say whatever you want. God! Some people have all the white privilege, man. That's crazy. So much just happened. Black and gay. Married to a white man. Now has a white privilege. Bro, you're Thanos right now. You've collected all the Infinity Stones. And you're just gonna snap your fingers and half the white women in this room are gonna disappear. That's crazy. You're bi? Why not? You know? What the **** is that? What is that? You guys ever just carry a bag of dog ---- across the stage? Why? Protection? They have different reasons? Okay, what's in here? Break it down for me. What's in this ******* Santa sack of geology? Rose quartz? Okay, one by one. What's rose quartz do? That one's for love. That one's for love? It's love. Are you in a relationship? No. Sure. Gotcha. So don't need that one. Okay. Rose quartz. What's next? Moonstone. What's that do? You seen, bitch. Well, I'm pretty upset about it too. What else? Black tourmaline? What's that? Protection? Protect your energy? I could **** your energy straight up. Swear to God. What else? Citrine? What's that? Self-confidence? Yeah, you got way too much of that. One, two, three. I can't touch the crystals? But you can smoke them? What happens if you touch them? The energy? Remember how you said I couldn't affect your energy? Are you really into that much hippie ----? Oh my God. You didn't bring it for fun? Yeah, you did. It's got no other purpose, I promise you. This ---- belongs in the bottom of a fish tank. Do you understand? Hell yeah, that was sad. As of yesterday? You're single as of yesterday? What the ****? What happened? He fucked a grandma? How fine was his grandma? You know what I mean? Wait, was she really a grandma? Well, this is Florida. You can be a grandma at like 35. You know what I mean? It's very doable. It's actually not crazy. So you read the text messages and she was like, come over for dinner around four. Do you know how he met her? Work? Okay, where did they work? He's a cop? Wait, was she also a cop? No, she was just a lady? He visited her house on a fall? Help, I've fallen and I can't get up. This is the first dude to ever get some pussy via life alert. This is amazing. Wow. Sounds like a hero to me. I hope you just get ran through by the entire fire department. I hope you get, I hope you get a calendar of dick. January, February, March, April. Is there like a certain thing she needs to look for? A certain quality maybe? A green flag to look for? What about you guys? What? I've never been heckled by a pirate in my ******* life. Oh my God. Bro, what happened to your leg? Bad motorcycle rides? So ******* Florida. Oh my God. How long ago was that? 12 years ago. Damn. Wait, what's that? 12, 14, I don't know. Were you drinking during this motorcycle accident? Yes, sir. Yes, sir? Yeah. Shocker. Wait, give me a pro and a con. I quit. You quit? Drinking, hopefully? What's your name, man? Brett, Brett, and I used to get wet. I'm having an aneurysm. I used to get it wet? What did you use to get wet? The other leg? Some of you guys are making it weird for him, but he didn't start this ----, okay? You get to ******* take his side in the middle of a heckle fest? The last thing this guy needs is a leg up advantage. Oh my God. Alright. I'm gonna need you to be quiet now. One more time for Brett, everybody. Now y'all couple on a huge ****, man. How long y'all been together? Married for four years. Married for four years? That's ******* awesome, man. Where'd y'all meet? We met because of a non-profit. You met because of a non-profit? You got charity, pussy? That's amazing. He calls the period a Red Cross. She's beautiful. Those won the March of Dimes. Am I right? Let's go. You guys have children? Yes. Yes, you donated sperm. That's great. Really doing your part. Four years ago, met at the non-profit. That's ******* awesome. Are you guys from here? No. No, where from? She's from California. I'm from Europe. I thought you had a little bit of an accent. You sounded like an enemy. You said from Poland? From a Polish sausage? That's what's up. We're known for that. What are you? 6'3"? 6'4"? 6'5"? 6'6"? No, shut up, dude. Stand up. I've got to see this, though. What the ****, dude? You're a bitch. He stood up and I was like... What's it like standing up? I can't stand it up. That's the worst. This is every anniversary. What is that? You guys ever just carry a bag of dog ---- across the stage? Why? Protection? They have different reasons? Okay, what's in here? Break it down for me. What's in this ******* Santa sack of geology? Rose quartz? Okay, one by one. What's rose quartz do? That one's for love. That one's for love? It's not for love. Are you in a relationship? No. Oh. Sure. Gotcha. Alright. So don't need that one. Okay. Rose quartz. What's next? Moonstone. What's that do? You seem bitchy. Well, I'm pretty upset about it too. What else? Black tourmaline. Black tourmaline? What's that? Protection. Protect my energy. Protect your energy? I could **** your energy straight up. Swear to God. What else? Citrine? What's that? Self-confidence? Yeah, you got way too much of that. One, two, three. I can't touch the crystals? But you can smoke them? What happens if you touch them? The energy. The energy? Remember how you said I couldn't affect your energy? Are you really into that much hippie ----? Oh my God. You didn't bring it for fun? Yeah, you did. It's got no other purpose, I promise you. This ---- belongs in the bottom of a fish tank. Do you understand? Why? Is this going to be your first time jumping off a building? Yeah, man. How are you not scared? I'd rather get re-circumcised than do this jump right now, to be honest. This is the most scared I've ever been in my life. Oh my ******* God, dude. I know everything's going to be okay. I know I'm going to land safely. None of this is going to go wrong. I know afterwards I'm going to be very proud. My voice just cracked, man. I was very tired. This is going to be fun. Do you want me to twist this? Stop ******* with it, Wes. It's so high. I'm so not ready for this. Come on. Yeah. How are you feeling, man? Terrified. Look at him. If you're not doing stuff like this, why are you even alive? He grabbed his ass. Why did he grab his butt? Ten out of ten. Do not recommend. I'm next. Yeah. Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy seeing a grown man nearly ---- his pants? You guys have seen me on the Overnight channel with my friends Elton and Cory. They also run another channel called TFIL, also known as The **** It List, where they embark on these crazy adrenaline junkie filled adventures across the world. They have invited me to their trip to New Zealand, which is a country I've always wanted to go to. It's definitely on The Bucket List. The only terms and conditions were that I have to partake in a bunch of activities that make me wildly uncomfortable. If you want to see me cry like a huge pussy, go like, subscribe, go to their channel. We are actually planting a tree for every subscriber that subscribes to the TFIL channel. Go check it out. We're releasing 20 episodes as part of this new series. I'm in about 14 or 15 of them. You're really going to enjoy it. I hated it more than anything, but it was also kind of the coolest trip of my entire life. So, go check it out. You're really going to enjoy it. TFIL, New Zealand trip. Go check it out.