FUNNIEST Comedians on AGT 2021!

Thank you, that's the end of my career. Welcome to America's Got Talent. And who are you? My name's Cam Bertrand, I'm a stand-up comedian from Tampa, Florida. Wow. My accent's all over the place. Through the set, you'll hear it fluctuate. It's weird. Public school and... I don't know, I'm weird. Welcome to the club. Yeah, we did it. So, you said you're a stand-up comedian. Yes, I am. I've been doing stand-up for about eight years now. And how did you get into that? When I was a kid, I would stay up far past my bedtime, and I would watch more comedy than a kid probably should. It's actually how I first saw Howie. Yeah, I saw it. Oh, so that was a long, long time ago. Thank you. I, uh, actually just turned 27. I celebrated my birthday a couple weeks ago. Yeah, it's weird, turning 27, because I feel like I'm getting older, but my face isn't. Yeah, it's strange. Like, it's tough having a baby face, you know? Because, like, all I wanted to do for my birthday was to celebrate by getting a nice bottle of wine, you know, like an adult. But when I went to the store, I picked out the bottle I wanted, I went to the counter, I put it on the counter, as you do for purchases, all right? And the lady looked at me, she looked at the bottle, she looked back at me, and she went, -"Ha! No. Mm-mm." -"What was that?" That was the whole transaction. That's not protocol. You don't just get to go, -"No." All right? I was upset. I wasn't mad that she thought I was underage. I get it. I look 17 at best. I wasn't mad she thought I was young. But I was upset that she thought an underage person would be buying wine. Like, I don't understand. In what world do you live in, Rebecca? Where some 17-year-old dude is showing up to his house party like, -"Pfft! Y'all not gonna believe this! I got Pinot Grigio!" -"Yeah, got that Grigio!" That's never happened, right? You don't know a 17-year-old that owns a corkscrew. That's weird, all right? Not one time in your entire life can you tell me a time where you've seen a 17-year-old dude be like... Mm, mm, mm, mm. This Merlot pairs so well with a Doritos Locos taco. Mm. It is just something about Zinfandels and a Hot Pocket that is to die for. I think there's two things, alcohol-wise, we should stop I.D.ing for altogether, right? Wine and bourbon. Yeah, because no matter how old you are, if you're drinking them, you've earned it. Think about it. If you're drinking wine, clearly you have a lot of emotions and you're going through some things. And if you're drinking bourbon, you have no emotions. You've been through some things. Thank you, guys. This has been my time. Wow, thank you! Wow, thank you so much! So good to be back. I know that many of you know who I am. Uh, yeah. Yeah. But I'm also well aware that maybe this is your first time seeing me, and if that's the case, then I'm pretty sure you're like, wow, AGT is really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. I travel a lot doing comedy, and everywhere I go, I see more and more handicap-accessible stuff going in everywhere, which I think is very important. Yeah. But I have to tell you, as a physically disabled person, I kind of feel obligated to use that stuff. You know how awkward that is when I'm on a date and I've got to use the ramp? I don't know. I'll be there in a minute, babe. I'll be there in a minute. Oh, hold on, honey. Let me get the door for you. Who says chivalry is dead, huh? You know, over the years being disabled, I've experienced some cruelty. And whenever somebody's mean about disability, what I think they don't realize is that the disabled community is the largest minority group on the planet, because they pile us all together. So if you're blind, get in the pile. If you're deaf, help the blind guy find the pile. You got one leg, hop on. I'll stop. All right. I understand. Too far. But whenever people are being mean about disability, what I think they don't realize is not only are we the largest minority group, but we're also the only minority group that you can join at any time. That's right. You're just one bad bike ride away. Ain't that right, Simon? You guys are awesome. Thank you so much. Josh Blue! America on the Town, make some noise. Come on, buddy. Let's make some noise. Let's go, friend. Let's go, buddy. Come on. OK. Very nice. I've had a rough week. My mom just learned how to start text messaging people. Does anyone's mom text message you? Worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life. My mom text messages me the most useless text messages in the history of text messages, OK? I got one from her the other day. I swear to God, this is what it said. Verbatim. I whip it out, it says, oh my god, the remote is not working. It goes on, same text. I think it is broken, beta. Oh, wait, never mind. I have fixed it. I come home like, mom, why would you send this text message after you fixed the remote, right? Why does your text messages have Indian accents? I don't like this. I come from a pretty stereotypical Indian family. We bargain. I don't know if you guys know this, but Indians bargain. Indians will bargain anytime, anywhere. We'll bargain while we're getting robbed. Robbed. I've seen my uncle in action. I was there. Hey, put your hands up. OK, buddy. Hear me out. How about I put one hand up, OK? Just do what he's telling you to do, please. How about you give me all your stuff? How about I give you half my stuff, and you give me your Vash. That's a very good deal. You're not gum. What are you doing here, buddy? You're getting us killed here, friend. Come on. That's why you never see any Indians on deal or no deal. It would take too long. It'd be four hours, some Indian guy yelling, no deal, no thank you. It's like you've already won. There's a million dollars in the briefcase. Grab it. I don't want it. No deal. Why are you here? I got the new iPhone with Siri on it. Do you guys have Siri? Siri's racist. Siri only understands white people. That's why you only see white people use Siri on commercials. Nobody with an accent can use Siri. Every commercial is white people. Beep, beep, Siri, could you tell Michael and Jason that me and Ben are on the way, please? Beep, beep, mess of scent, no problem there. Then I use it with my Indian cousins' names and all hell breaks loose, right? I use it once. I'm like, beep, beep, Siri, could you tell Rajinder, Batinder, and Satinder that me and Priya are on the way, please? Beep, beep, we've located five 7-Elevens in your area. I'm like, wow. Really? Come on. I'm like, Siri, how could you be racist towards Indians, you traitor? We made you. Come on. Kabir Singh, honor and privilege, my love. Thank you so much for having me. It was the best. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Kabir Singh! Thank you so much. Hello. Oh, my. It feels nice to be here for you guys. I do miss home. I am born and raised in the South Bronx in New York. Thank you, fellow gangsters. I love where I'm from. I love the people from where I'm from. A lot of the girls I grew up with had that really thick Rosie Perez Puerto Rican accent. Yeah, that, you so stoopid, stoopid. That's how they all talked. And I was jealous. I was jealous of those girls. Because guys thought that accent was cute, and I didn't have it. And I was jealous until I realized that at some point, that girl's got to get a grown person job. And that's going to be amazing. Can you imagine, you walk into a courtroom and your lawyer's like, but he didn't did it, your honor. Nah, because you looking at him like he's guilty when I told you he didn't did it. Did I win yet? I won yet? I won? No, you got to pacifically tell me. Thank you for getting the last part. I tease, but I love. It's part of Latino culture. Like, we tease. Yes, we tease because we love. Yeah. But we're brutal. We hold no punches. It's to the point where your biggest insecurity will become your nickname. Yeah, if you're chubby, they call you gordito. That means fat little kid. That's what that means. It's not a nickname. That's a whole sentence. I was a chubby kid. They used to call me chuleta, which means pork chop. I would have gone mad, but every time they said it, I was like, that sounds delicious. I believe you just called me a snack. I never got too sensitive about the weight thing until I dated a skinny guy. And there's nothing wrong with skinny guys. Skinny guys need love, too. But if you're thick like me or tall and you date a skinny guy, prepare yourself, because at some point, he is going to look at you like he wants to pick you up. Don't do it. Don't fall for his confidence, because he's going to look at you with all the confidence in the world. He's going to look at you like, I'm going to pick you up. And then you've got to look back at him like, no, that's not a good idea. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, no, no, no, mm-mm. You are going to hurt yourself and my feelings all in one move. This will go so much better if I pick you up. Come here. Look at how cute you are. Thank you so much. That's my time, guys. Gina Brion! What's up? I'm Michael Winslow, noisy man. I make noises. How about you? Make your own noises. I got to tell you, one of the noisiest places in America is Hollywood Boulevard. I was almost late getting here, man, just crossing the street. It's noises, man. Just trying to cross the street, man. Beep, beep, please wait. Beep, beep, please wait! All right, here come the first noises, the street bikes. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. That's the small ones. That's the little bikes. Here come the big boys. They better run, man, because the fire trucks and police are coming. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Block your scooter. Now they're having, they're shooting, actually, what it is, it's a parade. It's an animal parade. I want you to check this out, because here it comes. Here it goes, man. MP, yeah! What's next? Uh-oh, I got to wait. Duck walk. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Man, what is this, a chicken run? Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Man, that made me hungry. So I get across the street. I said to the street vendor, hey, man, can I cook my own? Can I cook my own food, man? Go ahead. Plate. Chicken patty. I make this to go. So I get across the street. I get to the theater. Security had updated to lightsabers. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. I thought I was safe, but I wasn't. I got to that last door. Guess who was waiting for me? Simon's dogs, man. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Hey, you hungry? Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. You all right in there? It was my day. How was yours? I'm Michael Winslow Noisyman. Michael Winslow. Yes. Thank you. I'm excited to be here. I'm so happy to be back. Yeah, I'm back with my son. My son is with me. He is officially one years old now. And yeah, he's saying words, which I know. He's going to be insulting me any minute now. Because kids don't have a filter until you as the grown-up put it in. They just say whatever comes to their mind. Have you ever been insulted by a kid? It legit hurts your feelings, doesn't it? Because they'll just walk right up to you, and they'll be like, you're ugly, and then walk away. And you're left standing there as the grown-up, like, isn't he adorable? But when you think about it, that kid isn't trying to mess with you. Like, if that kid said you're ugly, it's because he genuinely thinks you're ugly. But like, so ugly, he had to stop what he was doing and inform you of the situation, right? Like, he's doing something. And he looked up like, oh, God, what is that? No, put the Legos away. Before having a baby, the most stressful thing I did was plan my wedding. Yeah, it was stressful from the start. One of my girlfriends, when she found out I was getting married, she said, so are you going to lose weight for your wedding? No, I know. I was like, no, but I'm going to lose girlfriends. Let them know. I wasn't going to torture myself for my wedding. No, I wore Spanx like a grown-up. That's right. Spanx are amazing, right? They are, until you got to take them off. That's the sad part. You put them on, you feel invincible, right? Then the end of the night comes, and it's like, wah, wah, wah. All you have to show for your hard work is a roadmap of pain embedded into your skin. You touch it, it's like braille. It's like, help me. I love it when I can see women laughing at that that know exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah. Oh, it's even better when they're sitting next to a woman that has no idea what I'm talking about, because she looks horrified. I was at a show, and I was talking about Spanx, and this woman up front said, that sounds awful. Why don't you just diet and exercise? I was like, that sounds awful. My thing's way better. You guys have been great. Thank you. That's my time. Hey. I'm Michael Winslow, Noisy Man. How y'all doing? Wow. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you times 3,000. Let's play a game tonight, shall we? How many noises can I make in two minutes? And the judges will pick the category, and the time will begin with the first choice. Simon, go first. Pick a category. From there? Yes, sir. OK, animals, please. OK, here we go. Ruff. Look out. Tiger, alert. Ruff. Tiger, elephant. Ruff. Next category, Sophia. Oh, oh my god, I was so fascinated, I forgot. Think something. Oh, ocean, ocean. Put the divers in the water. Next category, Heidi. Video games. OK, first, got to do dial-up. Ruff. Next category, Howie. Hardware. OK. You kids, get off my lawn. Cappuccino. Ruff. That's one. What's up? How you doing? What's up? Good to see you. All right. My name is Preacher. That's my name. It's not a stage name. My mom's called me Preacher my entire life. Because when I was two weeks old, a bunch of people she had never met before was like, when he gets older, he's going to be a preacher. He's going to be a pastor. That's what they seen in me at two weeks old. I don't know what I was saying at two weeks old to get the impression I was going to be a preacher. Because what can I say? A goo-goo-ga-ga-goo. Can I get a wild? I don't know if I was changing my mom's milk into wine. I don't remember. Why is he walking around in his bathtub water? But when I tell people my name is Preacher, everybody hears Preacher. But then they don't believe me. So they think of different names on their own. They're like, what's your name? My name is Preacher. Richard? No. Clearly started with a P. Preston? I'm black, man. You know my name ain't Preston. There's no such thing as a black Preston. And if there is one, there's one. And he's probably called Black Preston. Because that's how it works. I don't make the rules. That's like a white dude named Jamal. He White Jamal, OK? Everybody know that. Where's Jamal at? Where's Jamal? White Jamal. Oh, yeah. You know he getting a latte or something. Anyway, so when I tell people my name is Preacher, some people get mad at me. They get mad. Are you an actual pastor? No, I'm not a pastor. Well, I'm not calling you that. Well, I'm not calling you that if you're an actual pastor. All right, don't call me that then. But I got news for you. You know Jesus? He ain't actually Jesus, OK? Calm down. Dr. Dre, not a doctor. Surprise. Everybody knows that The Rock is a human. I don't know why we're doing this. Some lady, she got mad at me because I had my shirt off online. She's like, put a shirt on. What kind of preacher walk around with his shirt on? What if Jesus see you with your shirt off? Every time I see Jesus, he got his shirt off. What are you talking about? Jesus abs. When have you ever seen this man on the cross with some Jordans, a long sleeve, and a hempiece on his neck? He always naked. Preacher's not even a weird name. I met some kid named Thevin with a T-H. That's weird. He's like, I'm Thevin. I was like, your mom got a lisp, OK? There's no such thing as Thevin. It's either her or the doctor's fault. I don't know who said it. What's his name? Thevin. How many pounds do you weigh? Thevin. You don't see the coincidence? I don't want to go to hell. I want to go to Thevin. Like, clearly, she got braces. My name is Preacher Lawson. Thank you so much. I appreciate you. I love y'all. Preacher Lawson! Standing O. Let's make some noise. Come on, let's go, buddy. Come on! OK. It's amazing, man. I have a girlfriend now. We've been going for four years, which is, I believe, too long. We're at the point where we're not even nice to each other. We're not even nice to each other anymore. She'll say the meanest stuff to me, but I can't break up with her because I'm not going back to the gym. They're running in there. Come on. Come on, stand for it. As an Indian, I cannot go back to the dating scene. I'm not anybody's number one draft pick. Let's be honest, right? I've been there, man. I was with this young lady. She was like, hey, you want to go back to my place? I was like, hell, yeah. I go back to her place, she had me fix the computer while she passed out on the couch. I was like, really? I'm from Portland, Oregon. I can't fix the computer. My girlfriend and I both, you know, we keep things spicy. We both decided to have a hall pass. Do you guys have a hall pass? Does anybody know what a hall pass is? It's pretty cool. We both decide to pick one person that we're allowed to hook up with if we ever get the opportunity to meet. She picked the guy from the actor from Aquaman. Yeah, Jason Samosa, I believe his name is. I don't like him. I looked him up, this was very disrespectful. I'm like, this guy looks nothing like me. This is terrible. This is hurtful. She's like, whatever, this is my hall pass. Who's your hall pass? I was like, my hall pass is Elizabeth from Applebee's, the waitress. She's right over there. And I know her schedule like the back of my hand. You can't even swim. Come on. I got this. But again, it's tough to date anyway. I can never be single again. It's tough for me to date because I'm terrible at dates. I always try to say funny things all the time. I remember the last date I was on, it was with this woman. She started opening up, not in a good way, emotionally. She's like, you know, when I was eight years old, my dad went out to get hamburgers for the whole family and never came back. I was like, oh my god. I was like, those must have been some amazing hamburgers. Do you remember where he went? Was it local? We should find him. Was it Applebee's? I know somebody that can help us out with this. Come on. Jump in the car. We could find him. But it is insane, though. Like, my mom, again, I was talking about my mom earlier. Again, you know, my mom's crazy. She's a great lady, but if she doesn't like something, she's going to do it. Oh, no, Simon, come on. Can I do one more joke? My mom was a- I knew it was coming. Simon, really? My mom was a- boo this man. You know, my mom, if she doesn't like something I'm doing, she will, like, literally punish me in weird ways that I don't see coming. Like, about three years ago, my punishment was that I take my cousin trick or treating for Halloween. I was like, I don't care. I love Halloween. I pick up my cousin, 11-year-old Indian kid. He's dressed like, he's basically dressed like a 7-Eleven cup, a Slurpee. I'm like, why are you dressed like a Slurpee? You're Indian. People make fun of us about this. Why would you dress like a Slurpee? We're Indian. Why would you do that? But I couldn't say any of that because I was dressed like Aladdin. I was like, we can't do this. Thank you so much, AGT. It was an honor. Simon, how could you do that? Oh, wow. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Hello, everybody. So Paralympics just finished up, and I'm happy to say that I was a member of the US Paralympic soccer team, and I was a member. Oh, wow. Thank you. Wow. Where were you guys at the games? Could have used those 18 claps. All right. No, no. Oh, no, no. Little late, guys. Little late. I know some of you maybe don't know what the Paralympics are. It's the Olympics for people with physical disabilities. It's the second largest sporting event on the planet. Second only to- Hey, guys, I only got two minutes, so please shut up. The second largest sporting event only to the able-bodied Olympics. Yeah, it must be tough running with two legs, huh? Oh, god. Again, I appreciate it, but please. Does anyone know how we did in the Paralympics? Again, thank you for your support. Let's just say me and my teammates didn't have to worry about getting tested for any performance-enhancing drugs. I remember I played against the Russian team. I was but a spectator on the field, just watching the other players. OK, well, there's nothing even wrong with that guy right there. They'd better get a neurologist out here. I got injured in one of the games, and my coach had the nerve to put me on the disabled list. One thing I miss about being on the team is traveling with everybody. Because to me, there's nothing more entertaining than watching 12 dudes with cerebral palsy get off an airplane in a row. Everybody in the terminal thinks there's some type of zombie invasion going on. He's the goalie. None of us really walk like that. We just like messing around. One thing I don't miss about being on the team is our coach used to make us dress alike, which is great, representing your great, beautiful country. But we're already a bunch of crippled dudes trying not to stick out as it is. Now you got us all wearing the same goofy-ass track suit. All I'm saying, coach, is just give us a chance. People walking by us like, oh, that's nice. They took them to the mall. Some of them got stuff. So naughty, huh, Simon? Hey, you guys are awesome. Thank you so much. Yeah. I had to give you some. I had to give you a little extra for the finals. Thank you. Yes, yes. Feel that way about this look, too, guys. I feel that way about this look, too. I am excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. Not just because it's the finals, but it's also my four-year wedding anniversary this month. Thank you. Thank you for clapping, because it ain't easy. Marriage is not easy, right? You're not always going to see eye to eye. You've got to be prepared to argue, right? Lucky for my husband, I wake up every day ready to fight. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, we argue, and we fight, but we're both in therapy. Yeah, you ever argue with a healthy person? It is annoying. Because we get into these big blow-up fights, and then I come back in, and I'm like, I realize my reaction to the previous situation is actually based on trauma from a former relationship that I shouldn't bring into this current space. And then my husband's like, I want you to know that I hear you, and I see you. I'm like, I don't like this. I don't like us right now. I don't want to be that couple. You've got to appreciate the little things, right? Like, I appreciate the fact that my husband is forgetful. Because it works out in my favor. Like, a couple of weeks ago when I was traveling with our son, and he forgot that I can still see the baby monitor that's at home. Yeah. And I got a notification that there was motion and sound in my bedroom. And I thought, shall we investigate? So I did. I opened up the app, and I saw my husband having a fake argument with me. And he was getting into it. He looked like a battle rapper. He was like, mm. I was like, damn. I would have been mad, but I couldn't stop laughing at how he thinks he's going to talk to me during our next argument. Right? I was like, whoop-whoop. I was like, imaginary me? You going to put up with that? It's not real me. Right? You got to know your opponent. That's how you win. Me and my husband, we know each other very well. My biggest flaw he has to deal with, I'm a jealous woman. Nobody likes jealous people. We know. Stop telling us. Every boyfriend I ever had is like, wouldn't you just trust me? I'm like, that's not how this works. No, now put on your ankle monitor and go have fun. I'll be watching. Thank you. I'm grateful for your time, guys. Oh, thank you! Thank you so much. Wow. This has been so much fun. Thank you so much. Wow. So today I was outside. Somebody stopped me on the street like, hey, man. Did I see you on TV? I'm like, well, how the hell am I supposed to know? If you don't know. So I'm sure you've noticed the arm. I call it my nocturnal arm. Because when the sun goes down, I got stuff to do. I'm trying to sleep. It's up writing emails. I'm like, who could you possibly be writing to? Like some club foot in Kansas? Also, I can't sleep too close to the internet because it gets online and orders stuff. I come home. There's a box on the porch. He's all excited. Like, what did you do? Open it up. It's one bedazzled glove. I'm not putting that on you, dude. Got to get your club foot buddy to help. You guys remember from earlier? Seemed like you didn't remember at all. Only so far I can dumb this down, guys. I still don't know where he got the watch. Been trying to get it off him for weeks. I'm pretty sure he's getting like 78,000 steps a day. Oh, no. You know, I used to think I had a way with animals. And then I realized I just make a lot of crumbs. Just got a pack of random ass dogs following me around. Hoping I'll get into a muffin or something. I don't know how many times I've tried to go in a restaurant. They're like, you can't bring your dogs in here. I'm like, these ain't my dogs. Did you guys know that Botox was originally being invented to help people with cerebral palsy? I just learned this. They were developing it, trying to find a way to inject the muscle so that it wouldn't do that. And then somewhere along the way, they discovered that Botox also makes wrinkles go away. And then they were like, well, forget cerebral palsy. We could really be helping people. God forbid you had a crow foot. The guy with the twisty arm can wait. I love that joke, because I'm sure you can feel there's like a weird vibe that kind of moves through the room. What that is, is that's just all the people with Botox trying to frown. Right, Simon? Thank you. That's the end of my career.