Now I Gotta Care About Kimmel? | Standup Comedy | Eddie Pepitone

Did anybody else just want to kill themselves when they walked around here and saw this like whole vital complex? What the **** is that? Why has it come to that? Where people are in these big spaces and they're climbing rocks. I saw somebody hanging from a sash. I did. It's not right. And this is why the Christian evangelists hate us. They see that and they're rightfully appalled. There's too much yoga on the East Coast. I wish my set were over. I do. I'm at the age where it's just a hassle just to put on pants. I don't know if anybody else is just sick of the routine every day. And we have to do the same thing like, Oh, oh, Eddie, you can't go out without pants. Oh, yeah, God for ******* bid. You know, and we all play this, you know, and everything's unraveling. I can't take it anymore. I was supposed to be very upset about the Jimmy Kimmel thing. And I'm getting all these people sending me emails, sign this for Jimmy Kimmel. I'm like, I don't give a ---- anymore. Okay, I'm watching AI robots ******* running 100 miles an hour and learning judo. And I'm supposed to care about Kimmel? I always thought he was so, so funny. It's the ******* robots I'm worried about. I'm from Brooklyn, the real Brooklyn. Not this, you know, vital. If you're a real person, you don't have children. Who the **** is having children? Why? Have you taken a look? What the **** are people? And I walked through McCarran Park. Not to brag, I have that kind of lifestyle. I walked through. I walked through McCarran Park and there were so many ******* kids. And I'm just like the old Brooklyn guy going, you have no future. ------- between climate breakdown, fascism, AI robots that can run 150 ******* miles an hour. Keep playing volleyball, assholes. You're all going to be in camps with I voted stickers on. I just want to do the old Brooklyn thing, get out on ******* Ocean Parkway and just be like, hey, ******* robotic dogs. You ever see the robotic dogs? They're weaponized too. Isn't that nice of the Pentagon to take the thing I love most, dogs. Dogs, I ******* love, I worship dogs. I do. We don't deserve. Well, I don't want to get into that. I don't deserve anything. I hate myself so much. That's how I start a date. Hey, you want to scare somebody in the back of an elevator? You know, just whisper when the door closes. Whisper, I hate myself. Watch the shoulders go up. There's something ominous about a Soto Voce self-loathing thing in a corporate elevator. But robotic dogs, they're ******* weaponized. They have guns on them. They have lasers. You know what I think about though, since I love dogs so much, I think about what about the strays? What about, yeah, this is too much for you. That's why there wasn't laughter. What are you talking about, Eddie? Stray robotic dogs. Your premises are ******* killing me. It's too advanced, Eddie. Please don't talk about stray robotics. We're here in yoga country. I just think of stray robotics and like someone, you know, some celebrity going, hey, and there's a picture, and they're stray robotic dogs. She's going, look at this. Ever since they upgraded to the new operating system, these dogs don't have anyone to kill. And you see them climbing a building behind and then they come back down. That's what our world is coming to. ------- robots climbing buildings with lasers and everybody online going, we gotta save Falun or whoever the **** it is. Oh, what about Seth Meyers, Eddie? I don't care. Also, I don't like the fact that Swedish countries have it way better than us. I'm sick of hearing, Eddie, why the ****? Do you know in Oslo, their ******* transportation system, it's free, it's clean. People get blow jobs on their trains. Here we get menaced. I sit on the train coming over here on the M. On the M, and I'm reading a Kindle book about a butler in the English countryside. And some guy, let's just call him the dispossessed, is standing over me, looking at me, and I'm like, God, I wish I was in Denmark. I want to be, I'm at the age where, I just yell things now. I'm at the age where I could be the Golden Bachelor. These are the dumbest ******* shows. It's like we deserve to die, this country, if we put that out. I want to be the Golden Bachelor though. Wait for it. And I've had my prostate out recently. I had prostate cancer, and I just threatened the women on the show. I just threatened them off camera. I'm like, listen, bitch, you ******* say anything to the producers about me threatening your family, and I'll burn you alive. And then I run out. Hey, I'm at the age where I'm doing cocaine alone. Yeah, I don't go out anymore. I just snort coke, and I walk around my apartment going, I have no plans. People who have plans are such idiots, aren't they? Oh, I'm going to the concert tonight in Forest Hills or wherever the ****. And I'm like, good luck with that. You get on the train, you sit there. Now I'm at the concert. And then where do you go home? I'm already there. I'm already home, waiting for you to come in. And I always say the same thing. How was it? And they're like, it was great. And I go, bullshit. We got robots running around the streets. All right, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you.