I've Been Single For 7 Years _ Standup Comedy _ Brittany Brave

I'm very broke. I identify as a non-profit. My pronouns are 501c3. Okay. Do you get it, sir? Yeah. When I preheat my oven, it's the same number as my credit score. What's up? Takes a second. Yeah, it's sad. 350. But I have jokes. I feel really good, guys. It's kind of a big week for me. It is a birthday week. I just turned 30. Just turned 30. Yeah. Thank you. Four years ago. I'm fine. Okay. No. 30. 30 is a big birthday, right? I was like, I got to get my ---- together. I kind of had a little bit of an existential crisis. I made all these crazy changes at once. I hired a trainer. Cool, right? Went back to therapy. And I actually quit drinking and drugs. I went sober. How about that? Yeah? Sober? Thank you. It was court ordered. Small detail. I still do cocaine, though, because I'm from Miami, Florida, and I'm not a little bitch. Thank you. Thank you. If you do it off a mango, it's healthy. Vitamin C and vitamin C. By the way, that is the answer you get every time you ask someone from Miami what they do for a living, by the way. If you're like, what do you do for a living? Every guy in Miami is like, listen to me. You are really not. My ******* IUD just fell out. Okay? Okay. I don't have health insurance. It's gone. Okay? That's okay. I hated the IUD. You know what the IUD is, sir? Yeah, it's the little metal thing they put in your uterus, and it's how Donald Trump tracks you. It is, by the way. Every time I'd go to the beach in Miami with my IUD, an old man would come by with a metal detector. And he'd be like, oye, mamita, beep, beep, beep. Come on, mami, help me out. I'm looking for gold. Come on. I need the gold. I need the gold. You know? And I'm like, no gold, papi, just copper. Yeah, that thing's nasty. Back on track. I'm in my 30s now. Yeah, man, your 30s are really, really messy up in the head. Your 20s are for ******* around, and your 30s are for finding out, you know? The U of HPV. And I had fun in my 20s, am I right? So the night of my 30th birthday, so much pressure is put on this night. My friends are like, gotta go out. We gotta party. But I was sober, right? I wanted to be good. So I decided to stay inside and do something much, much worse. I decided to get to know myself. Yeah, I don't recommend it. I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. This is a Brooklyn crowd, all of you know it, okay? You had to take it to get through the door. I'm looking at you, white woman. Look at her. She's like, I take it weekly. Her friend's like, she keeps getting different results. I don't want to sit next to her right now. Okay. It is a legitimate personality test, though. Psychologists use it, corporations, lawyers. They say there's 16 different types of people everywhere you go. Kind of cool. When you think about how fragmented the world is, that's cool. You're either like an INTJ or an ENFP. If you remember what you got, it's okay. You can shout it out. What did you get? INFP. Amazing. Cool. I took it. I got C-U-N-T. So listen, if you are not laughing, you can't spell, sir. I hate that joke. I did comedy in Florida for three years. That's a ******* literacy test, okay? And every night they're like, I don't get it. I'm dehydrated. Damn it, you know? Yo soy gringa puta. Yeah, you know what that is. You know what I mean? Yeah. Puta is Spanish for perfect little princess. Okay. That's what he calls her in bed. Okay. All right, relax. I do live in New York now. New York is so much better than Florida. It's so much better. When I'm in New York, everyone thinks I'm Jewish. When I'm in Miami, they think Latina, you know? And then I go anywhere else and people are like, oh, she is annoying. And it's crazy. It's crazy. I told a joke in Florida that got me in a lot of trouble, but you guys seem cool. Can I tell it here now? Is that cool? Yeah. Yeah. Do I have consent? Yeah. Yeah. Fellas, see how ******* clear that was? Okay. Some of them are like, I don't give pussy. Let's start here. I'm Italian Catholic. Okay. I'm Italian Catholic. Okay. Yeah. Woo. Guilty. My mom's very Catholic. My dad's very Italian. It ruined me growing up. My mom is like, go to confessional, talk to God, get it off your chest, tell him everything, go to confessional. But then my dad, the really Italian one is like, don't tell him everything. I didn't raise a ******* snitch. He's like, did I marry a rat? What's happening? So it's interesting, but I myself am not religious. You know, when Catholicism fails you, what do you get into? When religion fails you? I am into astrology, right? Oh my God. Yeah. Tarot, Reiki healing, chakra aligning, crystals, you know, pegging, eating ass. I found other ways to see God. So I was doing this joke in Florida. I think my trust in Catholicism died when I looked at the story of Easter. I don't like the story of Easter. You got to stay on board with me here. Look at it objectively. A man disappears on a weekend, comes back three days later and we don't ask any questions. We just worship him. I think that's toxic and Jesus was a **** boy. Anybody? All the whores. Okay. If you're not laughing, you're the **** boy or your son is. Okay. Okay. I'm just saying, if you look at Jesus, he's kind of the OG **** boy, right? He has like a really good jawline. He's got great hair. He's got washboard abs. Jesus was a **** boy. He's literally the inventor of, do you know who my dad is? Like he's always on a boy's night with his disciples, like, you know, dabbing ---- up. Okay. All I'm saying, if you look at it and you compare it to dating, every girl in here has been dating a guy who she thought was too good to be true, right? The alpha, otherworldly. You're like, it's going too well. I can't believe he's real. And then he ghosts you on a weekend, right? Three days go by, no texts, no call, no Instagram, no Snapchat. And then you go, where were you? That was so weird. Don't they always have a crazy, kind of hard to believe excuse? He's like, baby, you're never going to believe it. I legit died. The party got out of control. Someone dared me to get on a cross ---- was fucked up. Like, okay. Some of you don't want to laugh, but it's okay. I'm going to hell. Between the abortions and everything else, that's my place. Of course I've had abortions. Those kids are waiting for me at the gates of hell. Are you kidding? They're going to be like, mommy, how could you? And I'm going to be like, if you knew dad, you would too. Okay. ------- loser. By the way, if you don't like that joke, I do not care. I told that Jesus **** boy joke in Florida and a woman started going, no. She's like, no, I'll say it in Spanish. No. I was like, are you malfunctioning? She goes, you cannot talk about Jesus dying. And I was like, bitch, I didn't make that up. Like what? It's the plot line in your favorite book. Okay. I'll leave you with this. Um, I'm single. I'm single. I've been single for seven years. Oh my God. No way. You're so hot. I know. Yeah, I know. I know. Um, leather pants in Brooklyn was a bold move. Um, I have been single now for seven years. I did something really bad recently. I asked my male best friend why he thinks I'm single. I know. Do not do that. Okay. And he's my best friend. My guy since college. We've never fucked. It's not like that between us. We've that, you know, one time. And I said, what do you think I'm doing wrong? He goes, honestly, I go, yeah, I got the worst answer ever. He looks at me. He goes, I think you're too in touch with your masculine energy. I was like, what the **** did you say? I was like, what do you mean? He's like, men don't commit to you because you don't know how to submit to your feminine and let go of all of your masculine. Right. That's horrifying. Right. No woman wants to be told that at all. I got so mad at him and offended. I punched a hole in the wall and then I stuck my cock in it. I was like, get in the kitchen. Get me an IPA. I got to fill out a bracket. Okay. Guys, I've been Brittany Bray. Thank you.