SWARMED BY GAYS ｜ KEVIN MAC ｜ STAND UP)

When you turn 40, your body stops doing things with the speed and vigor that it used to, right? Right? That dude's voice is insane. Yeah. ------- frog in there. What's your name, dude? Your name is Erne? Eric. Eric. Eric. Am I retarded? Eric. Eric. Eric. What? Spell it. E-R-I-C. You sound like Cusco. Cusco's a llama. Dude, you're amazing. Eric. Hell yeah. How old are you, Eric? 56. 56. God, dude. Was your voice like that when you were like 14? That's crazy. Could you imagine you're at like a school dance and you're like a 14-year-old girl and you're just dancing with this guy and then Eric comes over and goes, can I cut in? Where are you from, dude? The Burbs. Why does everything sound great? What happened? What happened to your throat? Who fucked your mouth? You're a singer? Oh, I want to bring you up here so bad right now. Right? Wait, wait, wait. How crazy would it be if he came up here and he was like... Eric, what kind of music do you sing, Eric? Wait, classical music? Oh, you're like an operatic? Oh, dude. Oh, I think you should come on stage. What? You just finished tubing? I just finished tubing. I drank like 48 White Claws. I don't know if I'm ready to sing right now. You're literally singing opera right now while you're talking. I just want to play this piano for no reason. Like, that sucks, dude. How crazy would it be if I just pulled this out and this was on and then it worked and then I just started playing Beethoven? None of you would believe it. Did I try what? No, you thought I lifted this up and then like pretended to hit the keys? You're just not going to let it go, are you? You're like every other ******* woman in my life. My ex-boyfriend had a working piano and he could sing in the key of G, so what the ****? Bro, this is turning into the weirdest TED Talk of my life. What? What happened? Like, when did we agree that this was just a whole back and forth here? Was it when Eric just decided to sound like a foghorn for no reason? Is that your wife? If only. Eric! You're so ******* cute! How long you guys been together? Wait, you're married to someone else? What the **** is happening? What, does he know you're with Eric? Yeah? Is he dumb as ****? Has he seen Eric and heard Eric more importantly? Hi, I'm going to take your wife to a comedy show. Don't worry, my testosterone is super low. What the ****, dawg? Why, what, how? Your old friends. Oh, all right. Oh, okay. We get together every once in a while. Yeah, all right. I love this. I feel like if I just keep being quiet, eventually they'll be like, and we ****. Oh, Eric's gay. Wow, why didn't you just say that? Dude, you must crush dick, dude. You must go to... Bro, I would like to say I could fight him off, but I probably couldn't. That's crazy. Eric, **** yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. I mean, there were so many signs. You sing opera. You go tubing. You didn't deny the white claws. **** yeah, dude. I love my gay fans, man. They're the best. They buy all my feet pics on dating apps, and it ain't going well, man. It's bad. They do suck. I think it's because all of my pictures are not wearing a shirt. Like, there's no substance to any of my pictures. It's not like me reading a book, you know, or like cleaning a homeless person. That's a thing, right? We do that. It's just me, you know, shirtless with like a motorcycle and ----, you know? Fine, Eric. I'll **** you, all right? Eric, are you a top or a bottom? Hey, this is my ******* show. Relax with this Eric ----. You give him a trophy because he's blown a few guys. You're a switch? Say it louder because then it makes it weird if I don't. Yes. God, dude, I want to hear you cum. Could you imagine? Eric, do your sex stuff. Go. Pretend there's a guy. Definitely not me. It just sounds like he's throwing up. Are you on dating apps, Eric? You just stopped. I went cold turkey. I had a real problem there for a while. I had Tinder, Hinge, Bumble. What's the other? Grinder. That's probably the only one that I should have said. Archer? What is that? Wait, what? Archer. That's the gayest thing they could have came up with, just butt darts. Archer. Do you use a fake name or are you just like, I'm Eric, like, come get it? Dude, this is ******* fascinating. We'll get back to the show. Archer and Grinder. Sniffies? Wait, that's a thing too? And why do you know? Are you Spirit Fingers too? **** yeah, dude. Why didn't we put the gays in the front row? Oh, God, this is so good. All right. Well, let's go crazy. What's your name, dude? David. You know what? I'm gonna do a whole ******* show. No jokes. David, have you met Eric? Bro, how crazy would it be if like next year I come back here and David and Eric are married and David's just hunched over crying. Eric's like, I want to thank you for introducing me to my twink lover. You're a twonk? What's a twonk? God damn it, dude. I don't know this ----. Wait, what was the other gay? A built twink? All right, man, I'm not trying to **** him. I'm just curious. Okay, a twonk. How do you spell that? Wouldn't that be a twonk? Wow, somebody just had a speech impediment when they were younger. Where do you put the food? In the twonk. Oh, God, dude. All right. Are you single? Are you single? Dude, what? Yes! Give Eric your number. Wait, how old are you? He's 50. Don't. All right, ******* creepo. Relax. Bro, he's right there. You can't just make weird sounds when he's right there. Dude, **** it. Dating game. Get up here. Get up here. Eric, get up here. Eric, get up here. All right. Well, you're definitely obviously sitting on the taller one. All right. All right. Well, this wasn't planned at all. I don't know how this is going to go. Probably not posting any of this online. All right. Let's just start out with the obvious. Do you like dad bods? All right. Let me come over here on this side. Eric, do you like twonks? I guess. Nice *******. All right. What do you do for a living? Dude, say something where you have a lot of money. Hedge fund. I heard hedge fund. Hedge fund. I heard hedge fund. So you work at a college. Oh, dude, you're so gay. Just scouting out the talent. Oh, I could get you approved. Three semesters. What do you do? You work in tech. Hell yeah, dude. Only fans. Dude, your eyes are. Man, your eyes are. Dude, your eyes are intoxicating. All right. Don't look at me. Look at ******* your possible. All right. I feel like a date should happen. Eric, Eric, would you like to ask our our fine bachelor out on a date? Who me? **** no. Are you crazy? I'm making eighteen dollars tonight. Can we make this happen? Are we can we get a date? Yes. All right. I'm going to let you two talk amongst yourselves after the show, not during the show, because there's been too much ******* talking already. We're going to exchange numbers. Eric twonk. All right. Get the **** off the stage.