Hilarious 🌽 Jokes! - Stand Up Comedy Compilation - Chocolate Sundaes Comedy Show)

Did anybody realize that they had weird ---- going on with them during the pandemic? Like motherfuckers had to really be with themselves a lot. Do you feel me? And I learned a lot of weird ---- about myself. One of the main things that I learned about myself in this pandemic is my choice of porn is very weird. Because I'm older. I grew up when porn was actually on video cassette tapes and you had to sneak and watch them. They were your father's. It wasn't as cunning as it is now where you could just pull it up on the phone and you got people out your business. You had to sneak. First of all, you had to find the box that he didn't think you knew about. And you had to rewind the ******* thing back to the spot to not get caught. No, like you had to rewind it because your dad would know. He popped the tape and it's in a different part. Hey, I ain't busting that right here. Who the **** been watching my tape? So I tell people all the time, technology changed ----, right? So I watched porn, snuck porn, growing up with a TV that was 13 ******* inches. Right? TV used to be 13. You was balling the **** out if you had 20 inches. People came to your house for sporting events, 20 inches of TV. So I grew up watching porn on video cassettes on 13 inches of TV, right? Or sneaking on my phone, right? Small. Now, COVID hit. I ain't got to sneak. I'm home by myself. And porn on 80 inches of TV is ******* traumatizing, goddamnit. I seen this big HD ass pussy. I was like, that's what it look like? Shit. And porn, like porn when I grew up, and no disrespect if you out here, but I have to say this. When I grew up, porn was what the **** it was supposed to be, right? It was very voluptuous women with very awkward faces. That's what the **** porn should be. I was having so much trouble with new porn because these motherfucking women are beautiful. They're ******* gorgeous. And they do porn. And that's kind of take you out the mood because you ready to masturbate. And you sitting on the edge of the bed sad, wondering where the **** this bitch life went wrong. Like why is she even doing this? She's way too beautiful. I'm Instagramming looking for this bitch. Do you need? You're supposed to be ugly, ma'am. You're not supposed to make me sad when I see you doing this ----. These motherfuckers are beautiful. And vaginas looked how the **** they were supposed to back in the 80s. I'm sorry. I don't like ball vagina. That ---- is weird for me. Like I had this lady, she came to bed and she had the whole little ball vagina ----. And when I looked at it, I didn't know whether to like eat it or like throw powder in the pimp on this ************. It's like this ---- ain't sexy. I need a grownup vagina. I need to see some hairs, goddammit. I need to see I'm ******* an adult. This ----, everybody like George R. Kelly, but they looking for the same pussy. That's ridiculous to me. Only difference is he found it for the hair grew, goddammit. But it's still equally. Oh, now y'all want to, oh, like y'all didn't know what the **** was going on. Now y'all didn't know. Oh, we had no idea. But for real, I love the hairy kind of, but just not too much. You know, not 80s porno hair, but just hair. Because I had somebody, she had so much hair, she put up panties that actually made a sound. It was like, and when I looked at it, the hair was matted, right? It looked like weed before you break it up and put it in the blood. You know what I'm talking about? I love hair. I do. I love, I love hair. It's just a pain in the ass to try to find a hole in that ----, though. They be trying to guide it in, like. She tried to guide you in, can't find a ************ either. Hold on. That's facts. I'm getting old, though, man. I'm ******* getting old. ****, man. You know, I miss, you know what I'm saying? I ******* miss college. You remember, it was so easy to bang girls back in college. Remember, you didn't have to do ----. You didn't have to take them out, do nothing. Just be funny. ****, man. I'm not proud of this, but I used to **** a lot of chicks in college. I'm proud of that. I don't know why I just said I'm not proud of that. I'm super proud of that, actually. Yo, you ever notice when a man says, I'm not proud of this, but it's always something he's proud of? I was watching this, I remember I was watching this interview with, what's that drug dealer, Freeway Rick Ross. That's his name, right? Rick Ross. And he was talking to an interviewer, at one point he goes, I'm not proud of this, but in the 80s, I was the largest cocaine dealer in America moving 1,000 keys a week. Some of the purest ---- you could find. I'm like, nigga, you're for sure proud of that. You can't say you're not proud of something, didn't give me three things to put you at the top of your field. Yo, when we were in college, man, you grow up a lot when you're in school, man, when you're in college. I remember we used to have this crazy time. So when I was in school, I was like a freshman. I was like 18 years old. I could just go to school in LA. I won't say the name of the university I used to go to. And in our neighborhood, there used to be this ex-porn star who lived in our neighborhood. She was like in her late 30s, right? And a lot of the dudes in my school, we knew her. We would go by from time to time and pay our respects. Yeah, man, and dog, I remember this crazy story. One time, she invited a bunch of us. I'm not proud of this, but like, you know, she wanted us to like, we ran a train on her and she got pregnant. Yeah, super goddamn awkward, right? You know, I'll never forget how she told us, which is the funniest ---- ever. I remember she sent us, she sent us like a group text, right? And she's like, and it was like, hey, everybody. I don't know how to tell you guys this, but I think some of you all may got me pregnant. Nigga said, some? Like, is that possible? We're 18. We're like, is that possible? Can you be some? We didn't know what to do. We didn't know if we wanted a kid, man. We didn't know who wanted to be fathers, you know? And so we had this meeting at my place off campus. Like, it was like a town hall meeting, man. It was, you pass around drinks. It was so much commotion. I remember I was trying to get votes on like, who didn't want the baby, right? It's like, yo, raise your hand. Nay, all my nays. Nays, raise your hand. And I remember I was, I couldn't, people were talking ----. I remember at one point I had to go, hey guys, guys, guys, can we quiet down? Jimmy in the back wants to speak. That's how many dudes that were there. Nigga, there was a back. You know how many people you have to have in a room to have a back to the room? And my buddy's like, he's like, look, man, I think we might be overreacting. We might be just panicking. He goes, yo, if my math is right, if she keeps the baby and we all split custody, we can all have our own month with the baby. I said, nigga, I'm not trying to timeshare this baby. Yeah, man, so she, crazy true story. She ended up keeping the kid and she didn't like ask any of us to do a paternity test, right? But I'm cool with her. Like, I followed the kid on Instagram. So the kid's a teenager now. He's in his late, she's in his, it's in his late teens or whatever, man. But you know what the funniest ---- is? The kid goes by the pronouns they and them, which I thought was pretty funny, man. All right, guys, Dave Murphy, thank you. Everyone's *******, it's good, right? Everyone's good, everyone's having a good time. Right now, I live in Williamsburg right now, Brooklyn. I live for $200 a month, whenever I say that, people want to punch me in the face a little bit. They're like, $200 a month, I live for, I paid $3,000 and my roommate has rabies. You know what I'm saying? Here's the thing, I live and sleep on the floor, okay? Only problem is at a date when it's going well, she'll be like, I **** you anywhere. I'm like, we're about to test this theory. You said you're down, how down are you? Exactly. And then she'll be like, no, no, no, no, I **** you anywhere. And I'm like, now this sounds like a very dark version of green eggs and ham a little bit, right? She's like, I **** you anywhere. I'm like, could you, would you, with no bed? Less luxury than a shed, huh? Would you, could you let me pound even if it's on the ground? In a house, in a hut, could we do it in the butt? People ask me all the time, what is the best sex position when you're ******* on the floor? I'll tell you right now, when you're ******* on the floor, every position is called poverty. Doggy style becomes alley cat real quick. That's all I'm saying. Y'all are good, man. Y'all are good, y'all are good. Porn's better, I'd say, I'll be honest. Watching porn, man, porn titles getting weird though. Watch this one porn, the title was white girl gets fucked by pizza delivery guy. Wildst also, I'm like, wildst? When did porn start using medieval terminology? What's next? Huge black dude enters betwixt kitchen wench. Y'all watch, y'all watch Indian porn at all? Okay, racist. Every, every, every black girl here was like, nah, nah, gotta be so vocal about it, Jesus. Y'all don't like porn that's filmed on a Motorola Razr, is that how it is? It's like, y'all like Indian porn? Yeah. Indian porn's different, Indian porn's different. In white porn, there's always a plot in the title, right? None confesses to cock, right? There is a plot, right? In our culture, the idea that sex is happening is so crazy that our porn titles are just sex words. There's no narrative. It's just hot Indian **** juicy. What? Another one is a **** pussy gum bitch. Bro, sometimes they had a location and were like, **** pussy gum bitch, Mumbai. Best porn title of all time, **** pussy gum bitch, Mumbai, volume two. Same characters, bigger budget, you know what I'm saying? I always wondered why Indian porn titles were titles and I realized just how Indian it actually is. Think of the Indian IT guy making the title. He's like, **** pussy gum bitch. Bro, that is not a title. That is just search engine optimization, all right? Indians, you know when we're jacking off, we gotta win Google, does that make sense? You know what's really scary about having a kid is how do you make them a good person? You know what I mean? If you have kids, you're guessing. Truly, we're all guessing. Every parent, you just plug in a formula. You teach them to share and you give the motherfuckers vegetables and ----. And you just hope, you just hope your kid doesn't turn into like a serial killer. Or even worse, one of those people who draws Lion King characters with human titties. You remember those psychopaths in school? Those future Republican senators? Any cartoon titty kids here tonight? No, nobody, you ain't gonna raise your hand, big dog. You ain't gonna tell me? Statistically, that can't be true. There's some cartoon titty kids up in here. I never had a single math class without seeing erotica drawn on cartoons that I enjoy. I'd just be sitting there, you'd just be sitting there doing math homework, just figuring out long division and ----. And then you look over and this kid is disgracing the Disney Corporation. And that's not what Walt Disney wanted. Let's be clear, Walter, he want Walt, he wanted good, wholesome content. Also to exterminate the Jews, he wanted dead Jews and good family-friendly content. And now here this kid is drawing Zazu, just the bird from Lion King with big, heavy lunch lady titties. Just big casserole and spatula titties. Not a bird can't fly. Talking about Simba, I can't help you become king, my back hurts. What God would make me like this? Put me out of my misery, I'm a cursed homunculus. I gotta go. I really thought that'd be the joke, you carry me out of here. In my mind, I was like, oh, they're gonna wanna suck my dick after this one. That'll be the one that does it. Y'all were like, no, thank you, young man. Good effort. Keep believing in yourself, maybe someday you and those silly pants will make it somewhere. But not today. Hey, you guys were fun, man. My name's Layson Gerber, bye. I'll let y'all in real quick, man, on my business, you know what I'm saying, from Miami. And I like to connect with my audience, you know, let y'all in on my body. Like, let me speak my truth real quick so I can live my truth, if y'all don't mind. Because I think we family, no judging. I'm a homebody. I like peace and quiet, that's why I'm a homebody. Anybody like, by a round of applause, clap if you like being home sometimes. You know, peace of mind. You know, and I've been in LA for a couple of days doing what I always do. Please, ma'am, please, sir, don't judge. I've just been kicking back, relaxing, getting some quiet at the hotel here, you know. I've been at the room watching a little porn on my phone. That's just how I like to pass the time, you know. Little hobby I picked up. And been enjoying myself, watching my ----. And a round of applause, clap if you watch a little porn, at least just a little bit. So all these millions of views, just us folk, we responsible for these millions. No judging, hear me out. Everybody got what they like, you know. I used to watch Pornhub. I don't watch Pornhub anymore because I found a website, to me, that is way better than Pornhub, okay. It's XN, wait, XN, Twitter. Thank you, XNXX.com. If you don't have it, download it. You won't regret it. It sound like a promo, didn't it? Hear me out. Don't judge, hear me out real quick. I don't watch black porn. I watch white porn. Black people **** too quick for me. I don't like my experience rushed. Take your goddamn time. Black people be ******* doing the opening credits. It's just too abrupt. I don't do abrupt *******. Give me white porn every day. Oh, they got scripts, storylines, dialogue, plot twists. Everybody in here, y'all don't see white porn before when, like, the doorbell be ringing and ----. Bing, bing, ehhhhhh. Hi. Did someone call for the towels? No. No? May I come in? Yeah. Okay, I'll just place these right over here. You see the setup? But that ain't the best ---- about white porn. The best thing about white porn, everything that the white dude say, the white girl repeat it. She repeats every ******* thing he say. Sounds so submissive, so exotic. Such a ******* turn on. Yeah. I'm gonna shove it in your tight little hole. You're gonna shove it. In my tight little hole. I'm gonna shove it in your tight little hole. You're gonna shove it in my tight little hole. I'm gonna shove it. You're gonna shove it. I'm gonna shove it. You're gonna shove it. I'm gonna shove it. You're gonna shove it. I'm gonna shove it. You're gonna shove it. I'm gonna shove it, shove it. Shove it, shove it. I'm gonna shove it, shove it. Shove it, shove it. I'm gonna shove it. Gonna shove it. Don't shut up, don't shut up, don't shut up, don't shut up, don't shut up, don't shut up, don't shut up. I done fucked with y'all. I don't be watching that ----. I done fucked with y'all. I don't be watching that ----. I'm Benji Brown, man, I had fun with y'all. So happy to be out the house though, can't lie. Quarantine was rough, you know. I was bored. She caught me beating off. I know, that's ever happened to you, bro? You ever been caught? No? What time you do it? More of an afternoon guy myself, you know. Helps me finish the day strong. I was pissed when I got caught too, because I wanted to die without anybody ever seeing my beat off face, you know. And I was mad of how mad she was, because I offered it to her first. But she said no. I was like, cool, I'm gonna go read. I thought we knew what that meant. Body reads with a boner? Come on, man. This is why she was mad. She was mad because there was a laptop in my bed. She thought I was watching a porno. And I was, like what the? You think I beat off to your face? Come on, let's be reasonable. I was trying to explain to her, man, I don't really watch porn at all like that. It's not because I'm a chore, or I think there's something wrong with it. It's just that all my favorite porn stars, they left the game. You know the ones you grew up with? They all gone, bro. And I'm a relationship guy, man. **** these new girls, you know. You know, sometimes when they leave, they don't tell you. They just go. Porn stars should announce their retirement like athletes, man. You got fans, baby, you know. You got fans. There's this one young lady named Michelle Tucker. She didn't drop a new video in like five years, and I got worried about her. I thought she tore her ACL, right, baby? Maybe she's ******* overseas. Turns out she quit. Now she sells Herbalife. This is a true story. Another one died not too long ago. Very sad on multiple levels, because she got a lot of great clips, but I can't. I can't watch no more, man, I can't. I can't beat off, you know, ghosts. Ain't no Ghostbuster, man. Can't be out here. Beatin' off the spirits. Porn is one of the highest-grossing businesses out here. It's not just me, nigga. I know I be watchin' porn. I be, nigga, I be watchin'. I like, I like porn. I think it's healthy. I feel like you can't learn more about what you like unless you see it or try it, but you don't know to try it if you don't see it, so that's why I do porn for research purposes. It's not even for me. It's like to make a better world, nigga. I just, I could do without, like, the super-produced porn. Like, I don't feel like you need a grip and a light to eat. Just be, just ****. Just **** with a camera phone. I like when it ain't produced. I like when it's on a camera phone and her socks don't match, because that tell me, that bitch wasn't even playing no *******. My nigga talk that pussy up out of there. You feel me? She wasn't even playing it on there. Praises to this king. I like camera phones. I like that ----, man. I like just regular old porn. When I got really deep into porn, that's how I realized how, like, it's racist. Like, porn, it is, it is. It's subtle things that you don't pay attention to when you, like, got jacked off on your mind. You don't notice the ----, and, like, as soon as you jack off, you close the laptop, so you don't, like, you don't continue your research. But if you do, like, if you jack off first and then go to a porn site, you'll notice the racism, like, even in the titles. Because when it's white porn, they got real titles. They got names. They be like, Sarah has to stay at the class. Ashley gets taught a lesson. Bethany finds out the hard way. As soon as you type Ebony in, it be like, two busty bitches takin' dick in the face. Two busty bitches? These bitches. Names for these two bitches takin' dick in the face? Oh, I can't stand for this. I gotta write a letter to my congressman. Soon as I jack off, somebody's hearin' about this. Cause I'm gonna see it through, my boy. I wanna see these busty bitches take this dick to the face. I spent 10 minutes on this ----. I can't just abandon it? These bitches is busty. There is dick that needs takin' to the face. Or am I to turn the cheek?