Why Men Aren’t Allowed to Complain About Dating ｜ Ian Lara ｜ Stand-Up Comedy)

Sometimes my homegirls go on dates and they'll hate it. Then they'll come back and complain to me about the date. I gotta pretend so they don't get mad. I gotta act like I'm shocked. Like I never heard no man do no ---- like this, ever. And I sell it, I'm like, what? He made you pay for the food that you ate? I fractured my ankle a couple months ago for the last three and a half months. I don't know if you ever had to use a cane, but when you black and you have a cane, people think you got hoes. I got tired of having to explain. I'd be on the train trying to get a seat. They'd be like, where the bitches at, nigga? I'm like, I fractured my fibula. I don't know where the bitches live. They never told me where the bitches are at. And I got hurt on the road, too. If you wanna get hurt, do it in your hometown. I get hurt in New York, it's fine. I was in Alabama, of all places. Yeah, down South, and I had my first encounter with racism because I fell down steps and no one pushed me. I tripped, I like to blame racism, though. I feel like they deserve it downstairs. And they understand, to be honest, because I was on the floor. They was like, how do you feel? I was like, I feel like I walk up and down steps in New York every day. I never tripped, not even once. I do one layover in Alabama and I'm falling. Get the **** out of here, I ain't stupid. And I don't wanna sound like a conspiracy theorist because I'm not. But when I fell, I think I heard the stairs yell, nigga. Like, that's what I think. That's what I think I heard. But now I'm happy to be back out. Got two feet, which is nice. Women like it when you can walk, you know. It's not a ick, you know. And I see some couples in here. You guys look good. I like couples, you know. I wanna be in a couple. My own, I don't wanna join your couple. I appreciate couples. Because I just like how comfortable people get when they in a relationship. That's nice. When you single, you can't get comfortable. You gotta stay up to date with all the new sex that comes out. Sex updates now. I don't know if y'all knew that, but it was the same for thousands of years. From like the caveman era to like 2007. It was the same. Then I don't know what happened. Obama got elected. Then it just started updating. It moves fast though. I can't keep up. I remember when eating ass just came out. Y'all remember that when it was new? You couldn't get it everywhere. It was regional. You had to, you had to go to certain cities. Only certain parts of town really knew about eating ass. It wasn't universal, you know. And people didn't admit it like they do now. Now, people just admit it. I see them dating apps. You go on it, don't put it right there on the Tinder app. I'm a lawyer, New York City, I eat ass. You're like, why is that the order of importance? And now I'm gonna be honest, I kind of envy like single women. Cause when it comes to like hookup culture, I feel like single women kind of have an upper hand, especially on like a first time hookup. Cause man, you know, when you hook up with a girl first night, it's awkward, right? You gotta play it safe. You can't do all the crazy, weird ---- you into. You'll go to prison. You gotta, you gotta keep it basic. Women don't gotta worry about that though. First hookup, any weird kinky ---- you're into first date, do it. We'll encourage it. Yeah, go ahead, girl. Don't hold back. Do it, you know. It happened to me one time. I was talking to this girl and she invited me back to her place. We started making out. Nothing crazy. We was just kissing. It wasn't nothing like super sexual. And out of nowhere, she grabbed me by the back of my head. She took her two thumbs and she started jamming them into my eyeballs. She just started squeezing in my eyeballs. And I'm getting lightheaded. Like, is this the update? What the **** is this? I didn't know what was going on. I was seeing stars. I had two thoughts going through my head. The first thought was, don't be a bitch. Just take it. Pretend you enjoy it. Just keep screaming harder. It'll be over soon. And my other thought was, you just got LASIK. You can't be out here doing ---- like this. This ain't good for your corneas. It's gonna **** up your corneas. You pay good money for that. For me, that answered the question of who's hornier, men or women. A lot of people have that debate. Sometimes I hear women try to argue that they're hornier than men. Don't tell me. I'm like, I was ready to lose my vision for a one night stand with a six in Minnesota. I think that takes the crown. And I'm not trying to make excuses for men, but it's hard for men to date. A lot of women aren't aware of this. Because men, we're not allowed to complain about dating in public. It's frowned upon. Women can complain. Y'all go on bad dates. Y'all talk about it. Start a podcast. It's fun. Because you got to have empathy for women. They go through a lot. You got to make them feel seen. No matter how ridiculous the ---- they say is, we got to pretend like it makes sense. It happens to me. Sometimes my home girls go on dates and they'll hate it. Then they'll come back and complain to me about the date. I got to pretend so they don't get mad. I got to act like I'm shocked. Like I never heard no man do no ---- like this ever. And I sell it. I'm like, what? He made you pay for the food that you ate? I can't believe he would do that. What an animal. He's an animal. That don't work with us. No one has empathy for men on bad dates. No one. You can't call your home girl up to complain about a date. Even if she your friend, she's just going to tell you to man up. You definitely can't complain to a man. Try calling your boy up one day to complain about a date. See if he give a ****. You can make up a date. Your life could be in danger. You call your boy up right now. Like, yo, I'm at this comedy show. Shorty wearing a bomb. She got a bomb strapped to her chest. Think she going to blow up the building. What should I do? Guarantee if he care about you, he going to turn his sexual. He going to be like, enjoy nigga. That's what you should do. Calling my phone bragging. That's a freak you got on your hands. You know that? It's a radicalized freak you're dealing with. And I'm the youngest in my family. Sometimes I try to speak to them about dating. It's tough when you're the youngest because when older people give you advice on dating, they give you advice as if dating still operates how it used to when they were outside. Like I went to my grandfather recently. He's almost 90 years old. He was married for like 70 years. I was having some girl trouble. I tried to run it by him. See what he had to say. So I sat him down one day and I was like, grandpa, I got this girl. I really like her. I mentor her. We've been talking, but I don't think she feeling me that way. I think I'm going to just leave her alone. And he stood up. He was like, first of all, you're going about it all wrong. He's like, why are you even talking to her? Call her father, get her father on the phone. I said, what? And he's like, yeah, speak to her father. Let him know you want to take his daughter out and he needs to do the right thing. Could you believe? That's what they was doing back in the day. Calling women's father unsolicited. No wonder you ladies needed a movement. I get it now. That's what they was doing. I was like, grandpa, I can't be calling no one's father. That's the plot of the movie, Taken. I can't be out here. It's a crime in a lot of States. And I know some of you in relationships. I know I talk a lot of relationship stuff. I want people to think that like, it's easier when you're single. Cause it's not. If you're in a relationship, stay in your relationship. Especially when you with somebody that you know and that you really mess with. Cause sometimes you're out here dating. You don't know what you're going to end up with. I dated a girl once for six months. Six months we dated. Then I found out she had a fiance who she lived with. I didn't even find out. He found out about me. He called me up. He wanted to fight. I was like, first of all, she broke both of our hearts. We a family now. We need to stick together. You're the only man that knows how I feel. Why are you treating me like this? Men can be so selfish sometimes. You know how he found out? He went through her phone. He looked at the text messages. I had no idea. One night I was home. I was in the shower. I got out the shower. I had 30 missed calls from her phone number. I was just about to call her back. See what she wanted. I get another incoming call from her number. I picked up and it was a guy on the other end of the phone. He was mad. This is what he said. I was like, hello? He was like, yo, is this the little man with the pretty ass eyebrows? I didn't know what to say. I had just got a haircut. I was like, yeah, this is he. How may I help you? Thank you for noticing, bro. And he asked me straight up. He was like, was you sleeping with my fiance? And I told him the truth. I said, I didn't know. She never mentioned a fiance. I was honest with him, you know. Long story short, I got a call from her the next day. I'm thinking she's calling me to apologize, say sorry for what happened. She calls me up, no apology. She's mad at me that I told her fiance the truth. Like I was supposed to have her back. And women try to hurt you. When you blow up they spot, they get upset. She was like, and by the way, just so you know, sex with you was at best, mediocre. I was like, just so you know, that is the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my sex. I was like, mediocre? I'm getting better. Guys, I'm Ian. Thank y'all. Y'all have a good night.