10 Halloween Jokes for Spooky Season)

I don't even speak Korean, but I watch Squid Games. You know what I mean? Love that show. See, that's great representation. Number one TV show in the world, man. And they just spoke their native tongue. That's representation right there, man. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. That's right. That's right. But I'm most proud of the fact that I finally have an easy Halloween costume. Some of you guys don't understand the struggle of an Asian guy when it comes to Halloween. Our outfits are limited. I was Bruce Lee for six years. But this last year, I had the best Halloween costume. All I did, I went to Amazon, got, like, a matching, like, tracksuit, put three numbers on my chest, and I found myself an Indian friend. It was a good... It was such a great Squid Game costume. Somebody came up to me. He's like, oh, my God, you look just like the girl in Squid Games. I was like, oh, shiba! Me die. Halloween, that ain't Black people holiday. That ain't our holiday. We celebrate it, but we don't celebrate it the right... the way, you know... We call it trick-or-treat. We don't **** around with Halloween. I moved into Better Neighborhood, and I got white neighbors. They good folks, but they love Halloween. They wear them... Why you don't have any Halloween decorations? I said, because I serve Jesus. And God said, do not serve two masters. What if Jesus came back today, and I got a ******* picture of the devil on my wall? He gonna pass me up. Some of my neighbors... My one neighbor, he had a whole cemetery in his ******* yard. Had a big-ass fight on his roof. My son was scared to death to go over there and trick-or-treat. He said, I ain't going over there, Danny. I ain't scared. I said, boy, you better go get me some ******* candy. We used to go trick-or-treating, and we couldn't go to the store and get no nice outfit. Mama used to make us wear ---- my daddy left behind when he ran off. I used to go as a real estate agent. One of my sisters goes as a detective. My baby sister went as a Muslim. She'd walk around with a little bean pie. Bean pie, my brother? And my cousin used to go trick-or-treating with us. But he used to pee in the bed. And his mama was real vindictive. She gonna... She gonna put the sheet over him that he pissed on. Had the pee stain right there by his face. You wear this for Halloween. He walk around. She said, he a ghost. He walk around. I said, stay back there, Jamal. You stink. And you know, you go to the White House, they always want to know what you... Who are you? But I'm a real estate agent. My sister's a detective, and my baby sister's Muslim. She said, bean pie, my brother? And who's the little ghost? Oh, ma'am, he's a pissy ghost. I used to like going to white neighborhoods because they give you name brand candy. Snickers and Payday, Kit-Kat, motherfuckin' Baby Ruth, Charleston Chews, and Munchin' Crunch Bars, motherfuckin' niggas. Almonds with nuts and motherfuckin' mounds without them. We got all kinds of ----. Hershey with almond ----. You got caramels. I ain't even like trick-or-treating in a black neighborhood. Black folk want to give you ---- they don't want no more. All right, open your bag. Get some of these parking bins. No! I don't want no damn parking bin. Well, get these mashed potatoes. I don't want no fuckin' mashed potatoes. Only person on the street who had candy was that old lady. She had that old lady candy. It's been sitting around for about 17 Christmases and ----. It's all fused together. Ain't got one peanut in the middle of it. Hold your bag open, baby. I'm gonna put this in your bag. And when you get home, ask your mama to take a hammer and break it all apart. And everybody get a piece, and whoever get the nut is blessed. Halloween. Black people scary. We scary. I was banned from the haunted house because I'd **** up whoever touched me in the haunted house. Bam! You can't hit the werewolf. I said, bitch, that werewolf touched me again. I'm gonna kill his stankin' ass. I was fuckin' them people up. Bam! You can't hit the witch. She's not a witch. I said, bitch, I don't know. I'm scared. It's dark. Y'all got ghosts and ---- flyin' around. There's a dead body over there. I didn't know what the **** was goin' on. Black folks... We never had no haunted house. We tried to have a haunted house in my house. We had some curtains up, made it dark in there. My grandmama, she in a wheelchair. She was tryin' to be a ghost. She got wrapped up in her wheel. She flipped the **** over and fell down the stairs. She was still asleep. She didn't even know she fell out. Kids wasn't even scared. You gotta scare black people different. You can't even have no haunted house with ghosts and ---- like that. We had to change ---- up. We had to put ---- in there that we really scared of. Bills! Rent is due! Rent about to cut your phone out! Her edges are not done! She's pregnant again! You are the father! Are you guys excited for Halloween? It's gonna be great. Is anybody gonna go as anything fun? Yeah! That was fun. You guys can answer. It's safe. I won't be mad. Is anybody gonna go as anything fun? Yeah! Okay, great. This got weirder. I think no one wants to be on the recording. It's fine. I love Halloween. It's one of my favorite holidays. And my favorite thing about Halloween is how people start off the night as one costume and then end the night as something else entirely. Like my buddy started the night off as Spider-Man and then he got drunk and ended the night as racist Spider-Man. Or like someone who's like I'm gonna start the night off as sexy mouse. And they end the night as pregnant mouse. This mouse was not ready for this! Favorite Halloween costume I ever saw. This is great. I went to go visit my buddy at the University of Wisconsin. Halloween is huge there. People get crazy drunk. They go to the street called State Street. And we see this guy coming towards us. He's got a blue shirt on, white spots. He stumbles towards me and I'm like Bro, what are you supposed to be? And he's like, I'm partly cloudy. Then he takes out a water bottle and sprays me in the face. He's like, what's the chance of showers? It was at that moment that I wish he was tased by a cop. And the cop was like Thunder and lightning, bitch! Thunder and lightning. I moved to Canada when I was very young. There was just so many things I remember we had to adjust to. For instance, we don't celebrate Halloween in Nigeria. We have enough to be afraid of. We don't need an additional month for spaghetti. We're good the way we are. I came from a religious home. I can't imagine going to school and coming back home and be like Mom, I want to be a witch. My mom would be like, stay right there. I'll get you a broom. For the non-immigrants in the room, my mom was going to whoop my ass with that broom. She wasn't going to add to my accessory. To that outfit. I grew up in a religious home. We never participated in Halloween, man. Every Halloween I would try to stop my mom from going to the door. Every time kids were coming to the door, my mom would try to save them. I'm like, please mom, just let them go. Do you think at the door them kids are just going to drop the candy? No, I'm going to follow Jesus now. No, that's not how it happened, man. Year after year, less kids showed up to our house to the point that nobody ever showed up to our crib no more. Turns out the scariest thing on Halloween is Jesus Christ. You didn't even follow your own advice. I did not. Last year, my daughter was 10. I did not follow the advice. I had a full cup of coffee. I don't know if you guys are like this, but I like my coffee to taste like coffee ice cream. I want hazelnuts and caramel and vanilla and almond milk and regular milk and breast milk. I'll put anything in there to sweeten it. I was just thinking about the poop I was going to take in an hour. Which, let's be honest, that's coffee's second gift, right? Tastes great going down and then it literally cleans your ass out. I'm thinking about everything that's going to get flushed out of me. I was so excited. It's nature's colonic. I'm so excited and I'm thinking about it and then all of a sudden my daughter comes downstairs, 10 years old, she's disheveled. She normally sleeps well. I was like, honey, what's wrong? Did you get sleep last night? She said, no, I was too freaked out. My teacher yesterday told us all about the Jamestown massacre. I was like, oh ----. We've got to have this conversation right now. You should have had a sip. Should have had a sip of coffee. Should have had a goddamn sip of coffee. Instead, put a full cup of coffee at the center of the table. Should have had a sip. Then I proceeded to take a deep breath and deliver this speech to my daughter. Should have had a sip. I said, honey, sometimes people lose their individuality and they'll follow a leader who's charismatic from Northern California who's like, I'm going to create a utopian society. I'm going to get white people and black people and Indian people and Asian people together. We're going to get all together. Go down to an island. We're going to create a utopia. But was it a utopia, honey? No, it wasn't a utopia. It was like slave labor. Then the U.S. government found out about it. They sent a delegation of real government officials to come down there and check it out. He realized he's in deep trouble so he shoots one of the senators. Kills him right there. Then he realized he's really in trouble. Makes a whole huge vat of Kool-Aid. Remember Kool-Aid? That's the drink that mommy and daddy won't let you have because it's too sugary. He put poison in the Kool-Aid and then he had everybody drinking. Mommy's drinking and the daddy's drinking and the kids drinking. 975 people drank the Kool-Aid and they all committed mass suicide. But you know what? That's what life was like in the 1970s. She's like, the 1970s? I thought it was the 1620s. You said the Jonestown Massacre, didn't you? No, I said the Jamestown Massacre. Great. I just explained mass suicide to my 10-year-old and subsequently my 8-year-old who came down at the beginning of that speech because I didn't have my ******* morning coffee yet. Terrible parenting day. Well, hang on. I do think there is a parenting win hidden in there and that is your daughter will never ask you for Kool-Aid ever again. We will not have the Kool-Aid fight. There's a kid who used to trick-or-treat at my apartment every year. He was so adorable. He would show up at my front door and this last year, he's like 9 years old and he went as Dracula and he really went for it. He had the cape and the fangs and the blood and he showed up and he was like, and I didn't want to ruin it by laughing at his face so I played along and I just grabbed a pencil and just stabbed him in the chest. Just plunged it in and I said, back to hell, demon spawn. That did not happen. In the trade, we call that a make-em-up. No one calls them that. No. I like the dress-up part of Halloween. The scary part. When you're 47, man, you're not put off by ghosts anymore because you're already haunted by younger, cooler versions of yourself. Like, not a night goes by where I'm not staring at the ceiling and then 27-year-old me floats in the window like Oh, what the hell happened to you? You used to be cool. You don't even have a podcast. Seems oddly specific, ghost me. I've never fetishized being scared. Like, my wife's obsessed with horror movies. I have never been sitting in the theater and thought, you know what made this experience really fun? If for just a minute I thought I was gonna die. If my heart could just seize up. It would really enhance the moment. I went to a haunted house a few years ago. Like, not one of those Times Square $85 haunted houses. Like, one of those rural haunted houses where they just rent out a construction site and they hire local meth heads to jump out at you. And I was with a couple friends of mine and we came around a corner and this kid jumped out with like a machete and a bloody wife beater and I reacted. Like a human being reacts. And everybody started laughing. Okay, so a man with a bloody machete jumps out and my central nervous system performs exactly as designed. And I'm the asshole here. Haunted houses, they're still the same, which is weird. Like, they've been the same since I was a kid. Like, I'm Freddy Krueger and I'm an axe murderer. We need like, to update the haunted house model. You know, like, imagine a haunted house where you walk into one room and all of a sudden your phone is at 3% charge. I just plugged this in. Spooky. Then you walk into a room and every person you've ever insulted online is waiting to speak with you. You know, like, an ex-girlfriend, your old boss, Ed Sheeran. Just random people with bones to pick. You walk into another room and it's just your dad looking at pornography. You walk in and he's like, Shut the door! Father, I had no idea you were such a fan of the Far East. Very ribald. What are some of the first scary movies that you guys ever saw as kids? Exorcist, Beetlejuice, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Shining, The Blob. I had no idea as a kid how much these films and the genre of horror would shape my entire life. For me, it started when I was just a little girl. My dad recorded an 8-hour marathon of a TV show from 1964 that he thought I might like. Well, I did. I loved it. It changed everything. I told Barbie to sit on a chainsaw because I found Morticia Adams. And then I found the Grand High Witch from The Witches. And then I found Winifred Sanderson from Hocus Pocus. And then I found Elvira from If you don't know Elvira, then you don't even exist to me. And if you don't know that you don't even exist to me is the best line from The Craft, this is going to be a long hour for you. And then I found out that my grandfather was an actor and he was also on a television show from 1964 called Gilligan's Island. He was the skipper. But also he was in a scary movie called The Giant Spider Invasion. And then I found out that my great-grandfather, Alan Hale Sr., was Errol Flynn's sidekick in the 1930s. And that one night he had a party at his house and Bella Lugosi showed up early and punked my grandmother, waited until she was alone in a dark room, came up behind her and said, I am Dracula. Scared the ---- out of her. And then I turned eight and I found out that my parents were getting divorced. I found out that my mom was moving me out of my home into a new house that happened to be across the street from where they filmed Poltergeist. I was just crushed that they didn't do it sooner. Oh my god, the Poltergeist house? That's ******* rad! Divorce is awesome! Holy ----! So then once my mom moved out, my dad started to show me the real scary movies. He let me watch Stephen King's It. Uh-huh. I had nightmares for the next six years. I was like, really dad? Coming from a broken home wasn't hard enough? You had to throw in a child-eating clown? When Georgie died, I thought that was my fault too. I did not see the new It when it came out in the theaters. I did not see it because first, I'm a Tim Curry loyalist. Second, movie tickets are so expensive. I thought, you know what? I want to see a painted man in a gutter. I'll go to West Hollywood at last call. How come you never see no black ghosts? Black people dead too? I'm tired of white people monopolizing the afterworld. I know there's a black section. That's why you call us spooks. We got a black president. It's time for some black ghosts. I'm tired of this ----. And no offense, I don't like white ghosts. You play too many damn mind games. Messing with my light fixtures. Flickering them. Opening up drawers on my armoire. I don't appreciate that. Making weird ass noises while I'm eating waffles. Ooh. Black ghosts be more laid back. Be more chill. Be like Jeezy. Hey. Let me holler at you for a second. You got $20 I can hold till tomorrow, man. They done sent me to the wrong house to haunt, bro. I ain't even trying to spook y'all, man. So if you can give me $20, I'll give me a ride across town. You know, I had to go to a funeral recently. I had a friend pass away abruptly on your boy. I was sad, feeling melancholy. And I, during the week of the funeral, I called up my homeboy Jabbar, who was a mutual friend of the deceased, right? I talked to Jabbar. Hey, man, will you be attending the funeral? He says, nah, J-Red, I'm not a funeral person. That's what he said. And I said to myself, who is? Anybody know any funeral enthusiasts in this ************? Motherfucker, I'm a funeral machine. If you dead, I'm there. Count me in. Wake me up before you go, go. I'm not a funeral person. You know what's funny? If you rearrange the letters and the word funeral, you get the phrase real fun. Go ahead, do it. You will get it. And I'm thinking, is that a subliminal message? Are we doing them wrong all these years? Should we move the surfaces, the six flags? Go ahead, put your granny on that rollercoaster. That's the way she would have wanted it. Do a loop-de-loop. Straight to heaven. Someone asked me, have I ever had a relationship or an experience with a much older woman to which I replied, kinda. Long time ago, me and this lady, we vibing. You know, over the course of a short period of time, we vibing. And in the course of conversation, I found out she was a recent widow, which is like a great time to get in. You know. But she let me into her life too early. And I know because when I was in her bedroom, we could both feel the spirit of her dead husband. In the room with us, it was eerie. I'm like, ugh. Like this is not the type of threesome I'm trying to have. It was creepy, but I didn't know at first. I'm just hitting, I'm hitting, hitting. And then she's like, Roger? Mikey Winfield. Remember from Bingo? Then I was like, oh, that's the ghost. Ugh. And I was creeped out because I didn't know how to proceed. Because I grew up in a black family, and we didn't discuss what to do when you're in the bedroom with a ghost while you ******* some old lady. Like, I guess Roger's just gonna have to watch. Here's a thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've been thinking about the Blair Witch Project. I just talked about it. Why wouldn't I be thinking about it? I put it in a joke of mine. Yes, that's why I was thinking about it. Great point, the audience. I was thinking about that movie because we'll never get to have that movie again. Do you realize that? We'll never get to have that movie again. Like, we'll never get to experience the joy that was seeing that movie. Because we saw that movie at a time when, like, the internet didn't really exist, and smartphones were not a thing at all. And so everybody left that movie and was like, was that real? Well, we have no way to check. I guess so. And we all thought it was real. And here's the thing, like, if that movie came out today, we'd be leaving, we'd just pull out our, like, is, and it would just auto-populate, like, the Blair Witch Project real? No, it's not. Are witches real? No. Well, I mean, witches are real, but, like, not the kind that don't have stick piles. Like, who would say that to the whole thing? And I miss some of that, you know? I miss some of the things that that movie taught us about ourselves. Like, as a culture. You see, that movie taught us that, like, we believe as a culture that somebody, an archaeologist, or like a wayward woodsman, guy dressed as a bush about to shoot a deer, somebody found a videotape in the woods of children being murdered. And what we decided to do about it, as a culture, was release it in theaters. That's who we think we are. How bad do the kids get killed? Oh, very bad. Oh, that's gonna move popcorn. Like, that's who we think we are. And speaking of changes, it's not just a change in culture. I'm finding that I'm going through some changes lately. There were things I was unprepared for. Every night at 11pm, if I am still awake, I find that I would like to have a baby. What now? What? I mean, they don't even make maternity tuxedo jackets. Like, what would I wear? I've never thought I would want to have... I never thought I would want to, like, you know, I always knew I wanted a parent, but I thought I would like buy or steal kids. I didn't know I would ever consider growing a baby in my body, because when babies are born, they come out with a full head of hair, which means if you reverse that process, before that baby was born, that mom had a full head of somebody else's hair inside of her body. And I don't feel comfortable with that. I don't think any of us feel comfortable with that. We will throw away soup if it has one hair in it that is not our own, but an entire head of hair, and it's already inside of you because it grew in there? Oh, no, thank you. Plus, whenever I imagine childbirth, I just imagine, like, one little arm pops out of my vagina, and then it unzips me. I don't actually think I'm that off-base. Of course, if we decided to do this, we would have to, you know, get a takeout. Because we don't have all the raw materials for a baby in our kitchen. It's like definitely a Deliveria, not a DiGiorno situation. Which is fine, because I do not like a rising crust, as it turns out. Yeah. That's an erection joke. I made an erection joke.