The Lies They Tell Us ｜ Standup Comedy ｜ Fahim Works on Stuff Vol 37.2)

I edit a lot of my own stand-up clips and stuff, and I was on a plane, I was editing some of them, and I had this joke about Epstein, so I'm rendering it, I'm rendering the file onto my desktop, and I have this file on my desktop, it's just called Epstein files. This person is looking at me a lot, like, I'm like, why are they looking at me so much? Because I'm just like interacting with this folder called Epstein, it looked like I have them, like, they're all over the news, and just the guy, he's next to you on a Delta flight, I should have leaned over, I mean, like, you want to see them? I shouldn't be doing this, you want to see them? You want to see these bad boys? I'm like, John Cena's on them, just randomly, slander, that's not true, into the camera, that's not true, don't sue me, don't sue me, John Cena. So Epstein killed himself, huh? That's sad, huh? Does anybody believe that? Does anybody believe he killed himself? Yeah, no. Sometimes I wish that I were that dumb to believe that, like, my life would be so much easier, just like, no, he did finance, and then he was sad, and then he killed himself. He went to jail for baking stuff, banking, and then he got sad. I like how they're not even trying to make good lies anymore, really, after that Epstein killed himself, like, just insulting our intelligence. I'm surprised that they even tried with the Charlie Kirk thing, like, that's actually, that's them trying again, to like, all right, we're actually going to put together some lies, and hope you believe it, string it together, they're like back in true form, right? Right? I'm kind of amazed they put that much work into it. I wouldn't have been surprised if they just kept running it back. They're like, Charlie Kirk killed himself. You're like, what? I saw the bullet go through his neck. What are you, that video's fake. It is? I wish I could lie like the government, that'd be so great. You like, you get caught cheating, your girl's like, did you **** her? You're like, she fucked herself. She's like, okay, I guess. Case closed, what's for dinner? She fucked herself, that's the official story. This is dumb. Fellas, next time you have sex, just have your sex sounds slowly morph into Michael Jackson and see if she notices. Oh, I think I'm gonna, it does sound like he's coming in that song, right? He's like, I think I'm gonna, you're just completely naked and you're like, drug companies, they have so much money. You know how drug companies, how you know they have so much money? Every commercial, you could tell there's so much money because they'll use licensed music. You know what I mean? There'll be some popular song like, do you know how much it costs to weird out that song? It costs so much money. They'll use like a Rolling Stones song just to, that's how much they're ******* us in this country. They're bilking us so much money and just using Rolling Stones music, crazy matrix CGI for this drug, right? You don't need a 3D panoramic for a guy stepping in a puddle. These special effects are amazing for this Wellbutrin commercial. Who directed this? It's like Christopher Nolan for Sky Rizzy. Just goes in his mouth through his body and then, yeah, there's just so much, so much money is in drugs and stuff and in the medical industry. That's why they shot the healthcare CEO and everyone's happy about it. For real. He's like, he's our Robin Hood. Isn't that crazy? Like Robin Hood back in the day, you know, like, oh, Robin Hood, he would steal from the rich and he would give to the poor. And now when we read to our kids, we're like, so the health insurance CEO walked out of a building and Luigi shot him in the spine. Again, tell it again. I like the part where he shot him in the spine. You have school tomorrow, slugger. One more time. And then he left the building and a bullet shattered his spine. I love Luigi. When I grow up, I want to be like Luigi. Pay more attention to the range, slugger. Less video games. I like, I like how people get sobriety chips based on how long they've been sober for. That's kind of cool. Like some people will have a three-year chip. Some people will have like a 20-year sober chip. It's sort of like Pokemon for alcoholism. Different strength levels, right? Like if you dangle a beer in front of a one-year chip, he's like, give me, but a 20-year chip. He's like, your alcohol is no match for me. Nice try. It's a Japanese anime. Nice try. Your alcohol means nothing to me. And then it's alcohol and cocaine. Like Sensei, Sensei, I need help. Then he comes like, 40-year chip, back away. Brandon, you've worked too hard. Stand behind me. Just AA anime. Let's sell it. Anybody at Netflix, let's ******* do this. AA anime. AA anime from Saban. You could find that on Instagram. We'll be on Instagram. We're just making content, baby. What is life if you're not making content, you know? I live life for content. Istanbul, you still in the house? **** yeah. So I went to University of Washington, UW, anybody? The Huskies? No? Okay, cool. Like we're not in Seattle. I don't know what you expected. So I went back home. I went to a UW football game and they're about to take the field, you know? So the football team comes out at the start of the game and our mascot is the Husky. So it's a dog, right? So the team comes rushing out and the Husky is just running, you know? And they're charging the field and the Husky is just like this. And everyone's amped because the Husky is just ******* like sprinting so fast. Everyone's riled up. And then the Husky gets to the end of the field. And then I see the handler give it a sausage. And I was like devastated. I thought the dog was running because he wanted us to win. Not because he was going to get a little snack. That's like a huge scandal. I'm going to be a whistleblower and blow this thing wide open. The Husky is going to have to do like a press conference. Like I like to apologize to the fans. I did it for a sausage. Not because I love the team. I'd also like to apologize for licking my penis earlier. In my defense, I thought no one was watching. So yeah, I was watching the game, the football game. And I'm there with my brother and another friend. We're watching it. And then there's another group. There's this guy and another guy. And we're cheering and stuff. And at one point in the game, you know, people get swept up in the emotions. The guy's like, oh yeah. Then he goes to me for a high five. And then I give him one. But now I'm like, I'm going to have to high five him the whole game. You know what I mean? Like is the door open now? Like how often am I have to high five this guy? Is it going to be a recurring thing just for the rest of the game? I'm going to have to *******... Now I'm concerned about this high five. Like am I going to have to put my hand up? Because I don't want him... There's an inequity. If he's doing this, he's going to feel bad. Like how come you don't put your hand up? I'm going to have to do this. We did it a few times. I kind of wanted to negotiate and be like, can we just do it on touchdowns? Can we just high five on touchdowns and interceptions? And he was like, what about fumbles? I'm like, we can do fumbles. We can do fumbles. He goes, high five on it. And I go, all right, high five on it. Right. Do you guys have high five anxiety? Or am I overthinking sports? I'm like, this guy need to high five for me the whole time. Oh, most teams have cheerleaders, right? And then they'll have a dance team. And the dance team is kind of like JV cheerleaders, right? The cheerleaders, like they got short skirts, they're like super sexy and stuff. And then the dance squad comes out and they have like hoodies on. It's like super masculine. Right. Cheerleaders are this. Like I can't get hard to the jabberwockies. Maybe you can, maybe you can. You're like, well, that's some good pop lock and I'm sprung. I'm sprung. You guys like impressions? Yeah. All right. I don't do a lot of impressions. I just, I do a few of them. This is one I've been working on. So this is my impression of, you know, that song pony by genuine. Okay. I could do that. Here we go. See, that's pretty good. I didn't tell him to cue it up. That was me doing it in the mic. That's not a compact disc that I gave him to. That's not a genuine mini disc that I gave him to. That wasn't a tiger hit clips that I gave him to. I was doing such the oldest references tonight. Friendster tiger hit clips. Okay. Did that. That was great. You can see like how delusional I am and go ******* rocked it. ------- rock that one. Rock that one. I've seen my mom's vagina once, but I was a baby and it was all very long time ago. I don't, I don't remember much, but I know at least once, at least once, I don't know if my eyes are open or if they're, you know, do you guys, do you know, were you like this when you came out or did you like see it? So seeing my mom's vagina once just mathematically, right? We all, we all saw it once. My dad, I've seen his dick a ton. I feel like we've all seen our dad's dick so much. There's an inequity there. You know, I'm not saying I want to see my mom's vagina more, but I'm just, it's an observation. Some people do observational humor. I do observational trying to, you want both? You know, you're getting, you're getting one tonight. This guy just observes. That's my whole thing. I go a table white. We have his cap. Does anybody want the cap from the performance? We're auctioning it off. Starting at a hundred dollars. You want, do you really want? No, really? This is a lawsuit. It goes in someone's eyes. Oh no. I'm sorry. I didn't get varsity. That's why I was in drama. I should have done do a curtain call. That's always my favorite, like high school musicals when they come out. It's like every so much juice. I think it's funny how like the only thing Jews and Muslims can agree on is hummus and chopping baby dicks. That's the oddly, that's the common ground that we have just ground up garbanzo beans and dick tips. Dick tips. Crush that. No, no, no. It's all right. I have a buddy who's taking and then he also got an e-bike and I was like, you can just get a regular bike and solve both your problems. You know what I mean? Like, right? Like you're too heavy for assistance at this point. Why don't we get it down and then use the E. Okay. That did we do it? It'd be like one or two and then we got to leave. I'm getting the light. Oh, okay. I got to pick one joke out of this whole thing. Ooh, what's going to be good. Okay. No, no. I mean this is a quick one. You guys have heard of **** you money. Yeah. I have **** me money. I get the check and I'm like, **** me. **** me. Seriously. This is ridiculous. I'm fucked. I have **** me money. I think that was it. We did it guys.