True Facts: Hippopotamus

This episode is sponsored by CuriosityStream. This right here is the common hippopotamus. Hippopotamus amphibious. Now, for a long time, it was assumed that the hippopotamus was related to the pig. I mean, just look at it. But recently, they figured out that their closest relatives are the cetaceans. The friggin' whales and dolphins. Not the manatee. No, that would have made too much sense. I mean, a manatee looks like you made a hippo at Build-A-Bear, but came up short on stuffing. No, the manatee is related to the elephant. While the hippo is a whale that wasn't. Anyway, the ancestors of the hippos didn't join the ancestors of the whales in the ocean. I have a guess why. They didn't know how to swim, so they stayed in the kiddie pool. And you know what? 54 million years later, they still don't know how to friggin' swim. They really don't. They fake it. They bounce along the bottom. And it's kind of cute. Look, they tuck in their little wrist-angle things like a bunny rabbit. I mean, for not knowing how to swim, they're quite graceful. In part, it's because they're sort of a perfect mixture of heavy and buoyant. They're heavy because they have these ultra-dense bones. And that's good because without them, they'd have some buoyancy stability problems. But with all that fat and those big lungs, they'd roll around like a meat beach ball down there. But as it is, it's almost perfect, like they're walking on the moon. But the hippo isn't fully aquatic. It's semi-aquatic, which means it does it half-ass. Literally. Their face took a page from the crocodile and sort of rotated their eyes and nose up to the top. And this allows the hippo to hang out in the water, looking like a creepy old man in a public pool. Now, being semi-aquatic, all this equipment has to work above and below. And I'll tell you, you don't want to play guess that orifice with a hippo. Here, look at this one. You guess, and then I'll show you what happens when it opens up. Oh, look, it's just an eye. Under the water, they can keep their peepers open because they're protected by a transparent membrane. Their nostrils look a bit like two hairy mud slugs singing opera. I know what you're thinking. That's a hole you could lose a fist in. How'd they keep the water out? Well, the trick is, when they're relaxed, they're closed. This is similar to the dolphin's blowhole, which is just a pair of nostrils that joined up and went to the top. So every time they want to take a breath, they have to flare their nostrils. Is it just me, or does that look like an evil muppet? The good thing is, it helps keep the water out. Sure, once in a while you have to clear out the pipes, but these remarkable nostrils allow the hippo to do something else. They can take their nap time under the water. Look at that. That's how you nap. They have a reflex which allows them to raise their head and take breaths, all without waking up. Now, their ears do this little thing. I like to pretend that they're tiny wings. And sometimes it's this little twirly motion. But this is something they do to get the water out their ears when they come up. And you gotta keep those clear, because there's a lot to listen for. And it's not just the sounds they make out of the water. A team of science hippies threw some carrots into murky water and then listened as a science hippo tried to find them. The hippo made a series of clicks under the water. Sounded like this. I know what you're thinking. That's a fart. They recorded a hippo fart. And that would be embarrassing. But no, I think they ruled that out. But hippos seem to use clicks to echolocate like the dolphin do. And they sound like farts. Science. If the hippo is semi-aquatic, that means that it is also semi-land d**k. Jerry, that's not a word. No, it isn't. Land d**k. It's not aquid d**k, Jerry. It's aquatic. Whatever. Hippos spend time on land. Idiot. Now, you'd think that they'd live in a place that was wet out of the water, like Seattle or London. But no, they live in hot as s**t places. And that can be problematic in a couple of ways. First of all, the pools dry out. And then what are you? Semi-mud d**k. Jerry, I did that for you. But secondly, in the heat, you have to keep that giant meat potato from overheating. They don't have sweat glands, but they do look a bit sweaty, don't they? That's because their skin secretes a mucus. The mucus has a reddish pigment in it called hipposideric acid, which turns brown as it dries out. This compound acts as a sunscreen, but also can fight inflection from microorganisms. And it's another reason why you don't want to ride a hippo naked. CuriosityStream is pretty amazing. I should know because I'm a subscriber. And I think you should be one too. Listen, after all that shorty short form pickles your brain, you need to bathe in some nourishing long form content. You know, get your head right again. CuriosityStream is packed with thousands of smart and entertaining programs about science, history, art, true crime, nature. You know I like nature. Look at all that nature. Bet you didn't even know there was that much nature. I've been enjoying the series Ancient Yellowstone. It gets into some of the things you missed on that class trip. Look at the geyser. I mean, if that's all you want, do your Diet Coke and Mentos. No, this is a deep dive. There's these crazy ancient microorganisms that live in those lava lamp things. And there's a big petrified forest up in there. Who knew? You do. Now. CuriosityStream has been a longtime sponsor of this program. You know why? Because it's great value for great content. Check it out. Go to curiositystream.com slash ZeFrank23 because that's how old I am. Use code ZeFrank23 to get 25% off when you sign up. And that makes a great deal even better. Try it today. I'm a fan and happy to have them as a sponsor. Where were we? Oh, right. For the most part, hippos eat grasses and shrubbery. Mostly at night, but that footage sucks. They sort of use their lips to get at it. All that hardware up front is for fighting, not eating. To chew, they gotta take it all the way back to where the little teeth are. These grasses aren't that nutritious and they're hard to digest. So bacteria in the hippo's stomach ferment and break down those lawn clippings into something that the hippo can work with. After all that's been taken care of, of course, it comes out the other end. Spectacularly. The hippo is not a modest pooper. Not like a dog sort of looking around guiltily. It looks like a malfunctioning toto toilet. The bidet nozzle's on full blast. The thought is this is for scent marking because it helps disperse the scent. Understatement. But here's the thing. 16 hours a day or so, they're sitting in a pool with a whole bunch of other hippos. You're shifting around a bit. You don't always know what part of the hippo in front of you you're facing. And at some point, someone's gonna have to go and it's a pain in the ass to get out, get your flip-flops. Because the floor in the pool house toilet is always wet and you don't know from what. So if someone shits in the pool, you could make a big deal out of it. Or you could lean into it. And that's what the hippos did. Make some lemonade out of those lemons. And by lemonade, I mean shitsoup. And by shitsoup, I mean shitsoup with benefits. All right, that sounds weird. With all the hippos pooping in the pool, that's good news for all the things that like to eat poop. But as those creatures thrive, they take oxygen out of the water. And this, in turn, makes the water resemble the insides of the hippo's gut. And that means that those healthy bacteria that are living in the gut can come out and play. And suddenly, the water is like a big shared gut. Everyone's pooping in it and drinking it and the fish are eating it. I mean, it's good bacteria for everyone. It's like swimming in kombucha. Or kompoopcha. Get it? Kill me. And this can change entire ecosystems. The grasses hippos eat are rich in silica. The silica gets used by diatoms, a kind of algae that encases itself in little glass houses. The diatoms can then outcompete green algae, which is good because green algae blooms can choke out all the sunlight in a body of water. You want a nice healthy lake? Have a hippo shitting it. Who knew? But don't start thinking that hippos are just a group of mellow environmentalist river-pooping hippies. They've got some spunk to them. We don't use that word, Jenny. They've got some attitude. I mean, look at this one. It's chasing a freaking boat. They can gallop underwater. And look, it's got a bigger wake than the boat. I mean, they're not bad on land either. Those dense bones they have can support all that weight even in a sprint. And in short stretches, they can go 30 miles an hour. I mean, look at that thing. Coming at you, that's a guaranteed pant load. Now, being a mucus-covered giant bulldozer gives you some protection. But they also have a weaponized face. You know when somebody yawns and then, like, you have to yawn? Imagine what it's like for the hippos because their yawn goes on for days. This mouth-wide-open gesture exposes their canine teeth, which can be over two feet long. They never stop growing, and they self-sharpen by rubbing against each other. I mean, you put all that together, and you have a creature that really doesn't give a f***. Look at this one. You know what he's doing? Wait for it. He's f***ing with a rhino. And the rhino doesn't know what the hell's going on. He's like, you sure about this, bro? And the hippo keeps at it until it does what you're not supposed to do, which is turn your backside to a pissed-off rhino. Look at that. Right in the noodle. However, most of the hippo's profound toothidity is reserved for other hippos. A single alpha male has the exclusive right to mate with all the females in the pod. Younger horny males hang out on the periphery and take out their sexual frustration on each other. Now, if you're having trouble figuring out who's who, you're not alone. It turns out it's not that easy to tell the hippopotamuses from the hippopotamisters. Come on, that's amazing. Well, in this shot, you can probably tell. This is essentially what hippo pornography looks like. It's why you don't see very much of it on your websites. I mean, you might get a shot of a nostril here or there, but it's sort of boring. But I suppose don't judge until you've had a hippopotamus on top of yours. It's so bad. Anyway, that's how they do it, and you know what happens next. This right here is a mummy hippo in the process of giving birth to a brand new baby. Birth usually happens under the water, and the baby needs to learn quick how to come up for air. It's not all that strong yet, and it's still learning to hold its breath. So for the time being, mummy helps out with a nudge before it sinks back down like a flesh rock. Soon enough, though, it gets the hang of it. For the first months, the mummy hippo will raise the baby away from the pod for reasons that will be painfully obvious. But for now, this is about as sweet as a hippo relationship gets. I mean, come on, those babies are cute. And look at pygmy hippo babies. I mean, that's off the charts. It's like a gummy bear come to life. But parenting out there isn't all that easy. Nope, honey, that's a crocodile. Hot. Oh, for God's sakes. At this size, the babies are still vulnerable to predators that wouldn't take on a full-grown hippo. So it's helpful to have a full-grown hippo around. Look at the antelope watching the whole thing. It's like wildlife rubbernecking. It's like, suck it, leopard. Yeah, suck. Oh, s***, they're leaving. It's a bit of an incredible adventure. Out there, alone with your mother, learning how best to hippopotam. And after surviving leopards and lions and crocodiles, it's time for them to go back and re-enter the pod, which is perhaps more dangerous than all of what they've been through. Now, let's just say that our little friend made it back just fine. But to understand the hippopotamus, you should know that many don't. If a new male has taken over the pod, it will often kill returning pups. It's a sad thing, but a true thing. And that's the thing with these hippos. They alternate between this sort of serene calm and sudden moments of extreme violence. But that sort of unpredictability might be the best way to stay alive. And they have stayed alive. Big buckets of flesh among lions and leopards. And that is just how the hippo do. No, Jenny, they're not using farts to echolocate. How do I know? For one, what are they going to do? Have a bean burrito three hours before they want to find a carrot? They can't just fart on command, Jerry. And anyway, they know it wasn't a fart. Well, I don't know. They look for bubbles, Jerry. Do your magic sonar farts not make bubbles? No. No, you cannot use my bathtub. Idiot.