15 minutes of Talented Jordan Jensen ｜ Comedy and Crowd Work Highlights #136)

Is this joke too fucked up? Is this too mean? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. It's weird to... It's weird to be... Well, let me say this part first. Hold on. Am I making it my period? Let me think. Just let me say, from how I feel, I bet it's day four. Like four days out, you know what I mean? Oh, four! That's crazy. You guys don't know ----. Dude, man, you don't *******... You saw that? That's how... How dare you think... How... No words in that sentence, and all the women knew what I was saying. I literally was like, man, you *******... You? Not even? No. We *******... The women are like, yeah. Yeah, you guys don't *******... How dare you think that men are *******... You guys... You know? That's crazy. You think men is... Okay, so you guys stop *******. Did she get a little chubby? She got a little thick when she had kids? No? Oh, she got weird fit? Too fit? She was man fit? Oh, man fit? I wanna be man fit. That's awesome. I wanna be as man fit so I can wrap my form around me while I sleep, and I go, oh, too rigid. I already kinda do that. That's why this arm is covered in tattoos. That's my boyfriend. Oh, that's my boyfriend. He's been to jail. This arm doesn't have many. This one is covered. I'm just realizing that right now. Okay, so... Not good. So... The pedo ---- is getting pretty crazy, huh? You know what started to annoy me about the pedo ----? I'm 34. So my friends are in their mid-30s, and they're trying to look younger every day, right? They're stapling their forehead skin to the back of their head. So that they can look more like babies. But now it's getting a little contradictory. Now they're like, how could this man **** a 14-year-old girl? I'm like, do you hear foam in your mouth right now? I can't hear you. Cause you have a pacifier in. They're like, that's my baby. Strawberry breast milk flavor. We really need dick surgery to happen faster. How have we not asked her about it? I don't get how trans people have a full new genitalia, but a dude with a subpar penis can't get a little pump up. It makes pure tragedy. All a man wants is to go like this. Unzip their penis and have a woman go, whoa! This is him! You've never seen him in my life! So he goes literally up to a 12-year-old and goes, look at this. And she goes, whoa, don't get that near me. And he goes, cause it's so big and scary, right? And she goes, no, cause I don't know you, mister. And he goes, that's close enough. They don't need that. That's what they really want. They want a middle-aged black woman with three kids and wizened nipples to have their cock come out and they go, god damn! That's what they want. But they can't get that. We've got to make these nicks bigger. For the children! Somebody else goes through a breakup. What happened? Oh, that's great. How'd you find out? He was inviting her? How'd you know he was inviting her? You checked the DMs? You can never check the DMs. My girl just left? Was he like a hot Latino guy? Yeah. He was? Yeah. That's cultural, though. That's cheating is cultural for them. It is. Okay. Okay, you guys are racist. You guys are racist. It actually is like a cultural thing. I have a lot of Latino friends. And if you say like, do you cheat on your wife? They will go, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll laugh. They'll laugh at your face. Of course they cheat. It's what they do. You know what I mean? And then what? You just ended it? Oh, okay. The difference between men and women, I really like it very much. I really like all the women in therapy. Like, so you got into the DMs, and then he had to go, and you found out that he's been doing this. Of course he's been doing this. And one guy was like, that's Union. He's a Union fan. Excuse me. Well, she just said, that's a Union man. Thank you. Thank you for your service. What the **** do you want us to do about it? I know that word. That's a strong boy. That's a strong boy, I say. That's crazy. You guys are adorable. I wish I was a man so bad. It's just your whole brain is just, dude. I see that. I see it from over there. I know about that. That's so awesome. I should have been more manly. That's so much more fun. Yeah, I don't think I want kids. The dog is enough. The dog is playing. The dog doesn't talk to me. We have a great time together. Although the poor thing has had to go to the vet nine times because I'm always worried about her. And they keep shoving a little thing in her tiny little butthole. She does make the sound that I think we, it is the most accurate anal penetration sound. It's exactly what it feels like. She goes like this. It's like that. It's like the nose hair ripping out feeling. She got that thing shoved in her ass. And then we were in the waiting room. The vet that stuck a thing in her ass came from around the corner. And the dog turned, saw us out of the corner of her eye and just started going. And I was like, yeah, that's how we should act anytime a man who anally penetrated us enters the room. It's crazy that they walk in and you're like, oh, what's up, Brian? We have a history. They should walk in. We go, no, no. You know what? It's weird. Anal's a crazy thing that we allow that to happen. Just so you guys know, there's a cheesecake that's half eaten in front of her. And she's eaten like exactly a lady's portion of it. How come you don't want some of it? Her mom? You guys are, oh God. I have to go home. You're her stepdad? Oh, okay. That's better. That's way better. Oh my God. I was going crazy with the stepdad porn. Really bad. And the fact, when you guys said that, and the whole time I thought that you guys were together, just because all of a sudden women seem to be like, I'll take a father who's a husband and a brother. So, that's what happened. How old were you when you met her? You look incredible. Why do you look so good? Can you guys see this guy? What are you doing? How do you look good? Were you in the military? What do you do for work? You were in the military? And you still keep it tight? Really? That's why you don't eat the cheesecake? Wow. What will she do? She'll beat you, won't she? You'll be a bad daddy, won't you? I have not intrusive thoughts. I wish I didn't, but I do. I'm in therapy for it. Therapy's going good. Therapy's gay. No, it's good. It's tough. I'm learning about, like, attachment theory. You guys know anything about that? Yes or no? No? Wow. Really? Okay, clap if you know about it. Okay, cool. For those of you who don't know, anxious people like myself, which are like, I have love, and I don't want it taken away. It's a Gollum thing. It's bad, but it's not as bad. But it's shitty. It makes more sense to me. Avoidants are like, it's mainly men, and they're like, I don't want love on the off chance that someday it might possibly be taken away from me. I'm like, what the ****? What are you, ******* Batman? Shut the **** up. The **** is that? Did both your parents get killed in front of you? My mother! Anyway, if you were adopted, do you know your real parents? Stupid. Do you? Does she want to hang out with you all the time to a weird degree? Really? And you gotta, like, respond to her texts or else you're a bad person that she gave up? Weird. Why don't you just say, Boundary, you gave me away, now I'm giving you away. I'm putting you in the orphanage. Do you know why she put you up for adoption? She kept some. That's tough. She kept girls. No ----, we all know that. 100%. Lady with five kids who then recontacts kid later and gets rid of some but not all, that is not good. What? Eight kids? Oh, you have rich parents, kind of? Are they like philanthropists? Bring in the black children. You just said colored. You said colored. He said colored. He said, no, I'm just kidding. Stop recording me. Stop it. I wish I never married you. This was a mistake to begin a family with you. This is my biggest mistake. Besides our children, you're my biggest mistake. Videos like that? Really? No? ****. You can just see the person holding the camera shaking with laughter. While the other person's like, I will end your life. Did you cremate him? Oh, yeah. This is one girl. This is going to be your present. Yeah, welcome to the jungle, bitch. Tell me your dad's body. So that I can feel alive. What did you expect to get when they gave you back his ashes? What did you think in your head you were going to be getting? I didn't think there'd be so much. Yeah, you didn't think there'd be so many guys in your mansion, did you? And what were you going to say? Bone, too? Bone. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. First of all, what we all think is we're getting an urn maybe this big, right? No. However big your dad was, that's how many pounds of ash you're getting. And then a little bit of rent for the guy who went in before him. Okay? They're just clearing it out. And it's a cardboard box. They don't even tape it shut. They just write your dad's first name on it. Take him. It's huge. You're like, I don't know how to carry this. Just lie to me. Throw it away. Give me an urn. Is this your girlfriend? No. Good for you. Are you guys with other people that aren't here? Test. Like an IQ test. I just said, are you with other people that aren't here? And you pointed to the people behind you. It's just shocking, really. Okay. Sir? Yes, the man. Do you have a girlfriend? Ma'am? Miss? Woman? Female? Do you have a boyfriend? So why don't you guys date? What's the real answer? Tell me. Because you what? Wait. You're married to other... Listen to me. Are we playing where I'm like, do you have a girlfriend? And you're like, no. For a man who does that, I'm not touching you. Well, good. You got me with your little riddle. Good job. You have a wife? Where's your wedding ring? Does he have a wife? Are they together? And he comes to comedy shows and the comedian says, what do you want to hear about it? He goes, pussy. And he doesn't wear his wedding ring? That's all there is. I used to have plan B for the first time. I take that. It was, you know, Kalamari? Like, not these ones, but these ones. I had like, imagine that, but like, black goo just falling out of me. Is that normal? Is that normal and good? I asked my friends, they were like, oh, like the black Kalamari goo? That's totally normal. That's a plan B. That's it. It's awful. It was crazy. And then I got my period. I'm just gushing blood. It was two weeks of Kalamari and then straight blood. You know what ******* blows, dude? If you were an alien looking at the genders, you would be like, that one's the more beast-like. The ones that are, oh, so we get birth control. Was somebody calling you? It was an alarm, right? Okay, cool. What if he had an alarm tone for his ringtone? Scary. That would be scary. A guy could be like, I **** cats, and I'd be like, how does one resist guy if I **** cats? Okay, cool. Why don't you want to have children? They're expensive. Good answer. Great answer. I'm so sick of people being like, the world is going to ----. I'm like, how about a world where you don't live with eight dudes in the basement? How would that work? Shut the **** up. What are you using for contraception? Pulling out? No. What are you doing? I... That was weird. You don't know what she's using? I do know what she's using. But you don't want to out her? It's a hypervisor. That's... That's so nice. I got so depressed over your respect for her boundaries that it really fucked me out. That's really nice. I've never been in a relationship like that. If that would have happened to me, I think I would have been like, I don't know, she's ******* barren. I don't know. It's just a ******* oil drum of a pussy. Who knows? Radioactive ******* badge goo. You tell them. Tell them about your badge goo.