Major Payne ｜ ＂What Are You Lookin' At, Ass Eyes？＂

Fall in! Move in, you idiots! Let's go! Sir, the squad is formed, sir! Carry on. My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer. See now, what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to challenge my authority! I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit. From this day forward, your sorry answers belong to me! You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or even dig in your butt without my say-so! Know this! Killing is my business, ladies! And business is good! What? I have to go to the bathroom! Hold it, turd! I can't! I said hold it or I'll break that up and kick it around on the ground! Now be advised, ladies! We are going to win the Virginia Military Games! I said win! Whiskey, India, November! Get yourself down in that bird! Major Payne! What, boy? What, what, what? I did something bad. You nasty little worm! Go change your huggies, boy! And be back here pronto! Stop that crying! You'll get no pity from me! You think your tears will stop Charlie from taking his band-aid and sticking it in your little tiny heart? What the hell was that, you little freckle-faced cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, old bitch? No, sir. Then you hold it in, you big-eared turd, otherwise I'll kick your ass back to Mayberry! I see we have a sickly boy on our hands, but we're going to have to boost your immune system, son! Drop down! Give me twenty-five push-ups now! Pyramid! One, sir! What are you laughing at, little boy? You find a piece of candy in your pocket? No, sir! What's your name, tubby? He's good, sir! You know, you remind me of the dough boy. If I poke your stomach, we'll make you go... You know what? I'm going to help you make room for lunch, bacon boy. Drop down! Give me thirty sit-ups right now! Let's go! Let me see that belly roll! One, tubby, tubby! One, sir! Two, tubby, tubby! Two, sir! You's a pure genius! Three, sir! Who are you, Red Fox? No, better yet, you're Richard Pryor, ain't you? What's your name, girlfriend? Dwight Williams, my boys call me Dick, so you call me Dick. Yeah, bro? Yeah, like the way I handle these white boys, Dick. Oh, yeah. It feels good to see a black man run that, huh? Malcolm X. Let me tell you something, Dick. Yeah, brother? Why don't you come closer? I am not your damn brother! Now drop down! Give me twenty squats right now! One, sir! What are you looking at, ass-ass? Nothing, sir! You plotting on me, boy? No, sir! Well, let me tell you something, ass-ass. Let me tell you all something! War has made me very paranoid! And when a man gets an eyeball at me, it makes my Asian heart attack up! And I get the urge to kill! You understand me. Sir, yes, sir! You all understand me! Sir, yes, sir! I can't hear you! And what is your damage, musclehead? You stupid? You ignorant, or you just plain old deaf? Yes, sir. Actually, he is deaf. Oh. Thank you. Now drop down and give me twenty-five more for speaking out of line! I'm sorry, Mr. Handicap Man. I didn't mean to offend you. Do you speak sign language? Can you read lips? Let me break it down. If you don't answer me when I speak to you, I'm gonna put my foot in your ass! Is that clear, dummy? Sir, yes, sir! Hey, guys! Gorgeous. Welcome to my party. You know, you're out of uniform there, Mr. Fondarelli. Yeah, well, I like this look better, General. Admiral. Whatever. It's Major, boy. Ooh, looks like we got another major on our hands here, guys. Major! What's your name, girly mouth? Well, Cadet Alex Stone, sir. Yes, sir! Hey-ho, sir! I'm glad to see you got a sense of humor. So do I. My little group of scrotum sacks! You will strive to be like me! You will walk like me! Talk like me! And until you win those games, you will be bald like me! Here we go this time, pal.