Matt Rife Crowd Work 2025 ｜ Brutal Roasts & Wild Confessions)

Do you have any sons? How many? My bad little bro. My bad. My bad homie. Oh my god. I almost fucked your son. How crazy is that? That's crazy man. Oh my god. Young lady. How old are you? Twenty. Nevermind. Are you in college? Are you in school? Yeah. What are you studying? Health sciences. House sciences? Health sciences. Okay. That's going to be a legitimate group. Psychiatry? We'll ******* see. That nerd. You know what I mean? I didn't go to college. Clearly. You going to med school after this? Yeah. Are y'all in med school? Engineering. Ooh. This is a battle of progressive women. Oh man. This is what I like to see. Man. Y'all have to kiss or something. Dad, what do you do for work? Me? Yeah. Renewable energy. Renewable energy? Oh, you got money. Is it solar? Solar. Yeah. I don't have anything for that. Sometimes it's like a regular respectable edge. I ain't making the world better or ----. Just trying to provide a bright future for his sons. Stupid question to ask. What is an engineer? I meet them all the time around the country. It's a very normal job. I know it's a good job. But what does an engineer do? Bob the Builder, but upgrade. Is that really it? I'm totally different. Oh, okay. Never mind. You're back in the league. Is this the boyfriend that you're with? Mm-hmm. What do you do, man? Marketing. Marketing? Yeah. What do you market? Water. You sell water? Oh, dang. This is kind of the worst place to do it. It's everywhere. Have you tried Michigan? God, it's so weird. Small, be it. Okay, that felt personal. Who yelled that? Okay, all right. But, like, what's small, though? What would be small to you? Don't not answer the most important part. You said, like, this? You're gonna die alone. I want you to lay down right now. Oh, my God. This? Dog, if I had a dick like this, y'all would never hear me tell a joke again. Oh, my God. What the **** did I need to be funny for? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. Yeah, obviously, you don't want to have a small penis, but, like, you also don't want to have, like, a giant clit. You know what I mean? Can you imagine a dude with a tiny dick and a girl with a giant clit got together? That's not even funny. That's thumb wrestling. First of all, you don't gotta owl him like he's not sitting right next to you, okay? You don't gotta do that. I don't know, have you tried being a whore on Instagram? It's ******* lit, probably. Instagram and social media setting is such an unrealistic expectation for all women out there. Like, you guys really have to compete with, like, porn stars on every ******* platform. Step it up. I don't know what to tell you. The world is a dark place, okay? Sex sells and violence is pretty much always the answer. I don't know what else you guys want me to tell you. What do you do for work here in San Jose? He can talk for himself. Here in sales? Oh, ----, what do you sell? You work for Xerox? What's that? Printers? There's still printers? Holy ----. Do you fix printers? You make them? You ship them? You sell them? How the **** do you sell printers? What's the sales mechanism? Hey, you see this ---- right here? How would you like that on paper? You see, if you look at whores on Instagram, they're only this big. What we can do for you, we can put this on a goddamn poster board. You got titties on a fathead. Take two hour showers. By itself? Sounds like you should have been in there by hour one. You keep talking about my son. You're thinking about your son? Oh, fat boys. How old is your son? He's 15. He's 15? Oh, yeah. Don't touch his towels. What was your... Is this your guy behind you? Husband? Of how long? 15 years. 15 years? That's awesome to me. That's 100%. 15-year-old child. 15-year-old marriage. Sure, it's a coincidence. Well, of course. And when you first met him, what was his red flag? What were you like, hmm, I'm gonna look past it for now. She said, I married my drug dealer. Gives a whole new meaning to meth mouth, doesn't it? Oh my God! You're a stoner? Oh, I'm sorry. I bet. It's labeled a drug act. I'm sorry. And you were short on cash? I believe in you guys. I'm also calling Child Protective Services. 15 years. You trust him? Absolutely. He sells drugs. You're a chump. What are you good at? You're a property manager? Yeah, this just seems like an excuse to use a unit. It's a girl unit. You guys are in a little freaking bad situation right now. You guys are awesome. I'm sure you guys are super fun parents. So fun. Is this weed I found in your jacket? I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'm not mad that you're smoking weed. I'm mad that you bought it from somebody else. Guy's an entrepreneur? Ah. What did he claim to do as an entrepreneur? He said that he was a producer. How old was he? Okay, I don't want to... Do I hear a teen at the end of this? How old? 21? You thought a 21 year old was a producer? All a 21 year old produces is so much cum. Like that's literally it. That's our only export at that age. Oh my goodness. How long ago was this? You be nice. How long ago was this encounter? Thank you. God dang, he was right. He was rude, but he was right. Dirty car? Well, what kind of car is it? Which would you rather **** in? A disgusting Lamborghini or like a beautiful 02 Honda Accord? You know what I mean? These gas prices? Yeah, you about to start ******* on bird scooters in this gas. It's definitely doable. You've seen people riding in scooters. What kind of car do you drive? A Honda? God, what year? It's 02, show's over. Do you understand? What year is your Honda? 07? I got an upgrade. Yeah, you got an upgrade. Are you kidding me? Look at the audacity of your standards right now to be honest. Oh my God. You lucky to get fingered on the bus at this point. Are you kidding me? 07 on to have all these standards. Are you out of your mind? Dirty car. Dude riding in your car like it stinks in here. I know, right out the window. Okay. There was one I came across a couple weeks ago. Not literally. Poor choice of words. You know, I'm scrolling, scrolling, looking for a new one. You know, you've been seeing it, seeing it. And I finally ******* find one. I don't recognize the ******* thumbnail for it. So I'm like, alright, click on it. And let me just start this with like, I don't know how to cook at all. Not a ******* clue. Wouldn't even attempt it. Like I know nothing about cooking. So the video starts off as this dude, he's got like the camera, like POV angle, right? Let's not be ******* children. You know what that means. It's his point of view the entire time. And the video starts out with his POV of him cooking eggs, right? And I can't cook eggs. Have never tried to cook eggs. But like, this wasn't it. You know what I mean? Like he's ******* these eggs up. For like five to six minutes. And I'm just like, how long is he gonna go? So for like five to six minutes, he's ******* these eggs up. And then like his stepdaughter like comes around the corner of the kitchen and is like, Ron, I really need my permission slip sign to go on this field trip. So he's just like, ******* how bad do you want to go to the zoo? So she just starts sucking his dick because how else do you get to the zoo? So for the next 15 to 20 minutes, it's just him panning back and forth between her sucking his dick and him ******* up these eggs. He cooked them the whole time. I had to watch to be like, is it an omelet? Like how far is he gonna ******* go? How long y'all been together? Married four years. That's ******* awesome, man. Where'd y'all meet? You met because of her? You got charity pussy? That's amazing. He calls her period the Red Cross. She's beautiful. That's one in the March of Dimes. Am I right? Let's go. You guys have children? Yeah. Nice, you donated sperm. That's great. I'm really doing your part. Four years ago, met at the dump front. That's ******* awesome. Are you guys from here? No. No, where from? She's from California. I'm from... I thought you had a little bit of an accent. You sounded like an anime. You said you're from Poland? From a Polish sausage? That's what's up. We're known for that. What are you? 6'3"? 6'4"? 6'5"? 6'6"? No, shut up, dude. Stand up, stand up. You don't want to see this, though. What the ****, dude? You look like a normal bitch. He stood up and I was like... What's it like when you take standing up? That's the worst. This is every anniversary. What are some red flags for a guy? What'd you say? Children? Yeah, don't **** those. Pretty good red flag. Next. I don't even want to dive into that. Sounds like somebody learned a lesson hard with. Sounds like you got a basement just like this. I believe I can fly. Creep. I assume you meant when a guy has children. Is that correct? Thank God. Why is that a red flag to you? I think she feels about you. Have you dated a guy with kids? **** no. Then how do you know it's not bad? Got him. Red flag. Yeah, they just got there. He just buffed like nine months ago. What's your name? Jack. Great to meet you, Jack. Where are you from? Africa. Africa? Oh, ****. We don't need any more black people. We got the main one. Trey from Africa? Holy ----. Jack, great to meet you, man. You're a cool ass dude. Trey's single? Married? Oh, ----. Where's she at? Is she really in here? You're not single? Don't. She works here. No way. Are you serious? Where's Jack's wife? What's her name? Kimberly. Hey, y'all here? She goes like a giraffe. Kimberly! Oh, ----. No. This is my Kimberly? She's been taking care of me all weekend. Kimberly, come here. Come here, Kimberly. Oh, my God. You may have a tequila banana milk. Alright, so for Christmas, I really wanted Matt Rife, but since I couldn't have him, I got a cameo instead. And I thought that I would share it with everyone because it's honestly the greatest thing ever. Best $50 I ever spent, you know? Spent it big over here. All I asked for in the cameo was for him to roast the **** out of me. And he did, and I loved it. So without further ado, here's the video. Also, Matt Rife, please reschedule your Rosemont, Illinois show in May. Nigga wants to see it. Oh, God. I don't want to roast you, Madeline. You're beautiful. Has anyone ever told you you look like Meghan Trainor? Sorry. You look like Meghan needs a trainer. No, you really are beautiful. And I love your nose ring, especially because it's the only ring you're ever going to get. I wish you and your 47 cats the merriest of Christmases. I hope I get to meet you next year. Good luck on your writing. Maybe start with a diet plan. Would be nice. And I'm sorry I'm being a dick right now, but I'm sure this is as much dick as you've ever gotten. Do you have light-up shoes? Why? They're so bright. You're welcome. What's that? I said you're welcome. You said you're welcome? Yeah, thank you for bringing Christmas lights on your feet. I appreciate that. If you click your heels together three times, you go back to Dayton. How cute is that? Can I see it? Can I see it so they understand? Are you able to take one of them off? Or both? Forever? Look at this kiosk ************ right here. You buy these at the same kiosk you can get your phone screen fixed for $7.99. You got those on Amazon? Give them back. Free return policy. Read the shirt. What'd your shirt say? Put your balls all over me. I feel like you can't wait to have your chimney come to him. That's what I feel like. Oh my god. It's been a hard year? It feels like you've learned nothing. What? Did you say I had my whore phase in the Marines? Yeah, that's what I want my soldiers doing. How'd you get those hostages back? Well... Soldiers or Army? Marines or Marines? Well, those shoes are awful regardless. Those can't be service mandatory. What did you do in the Marines besides suck dick? Circumcise. Oh, it's Semper Fi. Sorry. Different one. You're from Saudi Arabia? Yeah. Welcome to Ohio. Is this your first time in Columbus? Sorry. Oh, you guys are from Cleveland? Oh, never mind. Enjoy Columbus. That's so much better. Our crack is pure. He misses Saudi Arabia so much he came all the way to Cleveland to find some bomb ass pussy. Isn't that crazy? How's the comedy scene in Saudi Arabia? Do people laugh? Yeah. Most of the men? Women. I didn't get your names. I'm so sorry. What are you? I'm Kaylee. Kaylee and what? Okay, I'm going to make it easy. Make it easy for me. Let's go. Like saying dude, but you're going to add W. So, we're dudes. Like dude, but with a W. We're dudes. But it means the most lover in Arabic. It means the most lover? Yes. You big dick slinger, you. You and your weapon of mass destruction. Oh, he's so cute. Do you even want to know my full name? I want to know your full name more than anything. You going to take a note? No, I got it. It's all up here, dog. If someone said I'm going to give you whatever they want. Really? You'll give me whatever I want if I can pronounce your name correctly? If you say my full name. Will you give me whoever I want? Yes. You can't do that here, dude. You can't do that. You can't just be giving people away, okay? Anymore. Hey guys, we haven't always been a cool country. Okay? Alright, well dude, lay it on me, dog. Yo, somebody put this ************ in reverse. Did y'all hear that ----? Sounds like somebody rewound this ************. It sounds like he was like, I'm new here. I love America. Cleveland is awesome. Columbus is so much better. Take it back one more time. What, dude? We have to have our parents and grandpas and great grandpas and then families. So you'll be numb when someone like, man, you out there. Like, oh, is that your grandpa? Oh, that's your grandson? So that's how we know each other. That was more confusing than your name was, to be honest. That was far more confusing. I love you, dog. I really do. Nice to meet you. Pleasure to meet you, man. Pleasure to meet you, too. What'd you say? Well, it's my pleasure to meet you, too. Aw, you said it so right for me. He said it with like a strong accent at first, but then he went, it is my pleasure to meet you, too. It's like when I turn on the Siri real quick. You're a cool ass dude, man. Columbus, we gotta get out of here. I know, I know. Someday he's gonna catch a flight. Jimmy. Did you know that it's Black History Month? You did know that. Have you learned anything yet? No? Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Does anybody have a black history fact or statistic that would... Oh, let's hear this white girl. What was it? What do you got? African American invented the super soaker, Lonnie Johnson. What's that? He invented the super soaker? No way. Wasn't it Lonnie what? What is it? Lonnie Johnson. That sounds like every cornerback. I used to love the super soaker, man. That's a good one. What's another one? He also invented the Nerf gun. The same guy invented the Nerf gun? I mean, if they're gonna keep shooting each other, I might as well be safe. **** y'all, dude. That's a good joke, man. Dude, can we end on a fun third? Does anybody have another one? Nope. Not looking good, Connecticut. We've heard enough. What's that? It used to only be a week long until the president changed it to the month. Black History Month used to only be a week long and then a president changed it to make it the whole month. The shortest month. Do you know what president it was? I don't remember. You don't remember? I do want to know this, actually. It was Lonnie Johnson. Bro. I was gonna give it a second. I was gonna say the same thing, bro. I was gonna act like I was Googling for ten seconds. Lonnie Johnson. ****. Oh, man. Oh, we are learning. We are learning some stuff. Does anybody here have any? Jimmy. Did you know that it's Black History Month? You did know that. Have you learned anything yet? No? Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Does anybody have a black history fact or statistic? Oh, let's hear this white girl. What do you got? What's that? He invented the super soaker? No way. Wasn't it Lonnie what? What is it? Lonnie Johnson. That's wrong. That sounds like every cornerback. I used to love the super soaker, man. Okay, that's a good one. What's another one? The same guy invented the Nerf gun? I mean, if they gonna keep shooting each other, I might as well be safe. **** y'all, dude. That's a good joke, man. Can we end on a fun third? Does anybody have another one? Nope. Not looking good, Connecticut. We've heard enough. What's that? Black History Month used to only be a week long and then a president changed it to make it the whole month. The shortest month. Do you know what president it was? You don't remember? You wanna know this actually. It was Lonnie Johnson. Bro. Yup. I was gonna give it a second. I was gonna say the same thing, bro. I was gonna act like I was Googling for 10 seconds. Lonnie Johnson. ****. Oh, man. It's both snakeskin? Python, yeah. Python. **** yeah. None of those gardener snake bitches. You're coupled up, obviously you're matching. Nice. How long? Five years. Five years? Where'd you meet? In North Carolina. In North Carolina? That's specific. Where? We met at a bar. You met at a bar? Well, yeah. I was underage and drunk. Hey, stop talking. Stop talking. Under 21. Okay. You almost ruined the show. He approached you or you approached him? I don't remember. You don't remember? Also not a good sign. What do you guys do? Basket weaver. Basket weaver? What the ****, bro? You married to a ******* hunter-gatherer? What the ****? You work for the ******* Easter Bunny, dog? That's actually how he got her at the bar. He just laid down a trail of eggs. And then he had one of those big picnic baskets up on a stick like this. And then she went underneath it and he went, Ah, got her. Like a ******* Looney Tune. How long you been doing that for? Five years. Five years? Did she take your ******* manhood, dog? What did you do beforehand? Work at a steel mill? Coal mines. Coal mines? Are you serious? And made you start weaving baskets. Sorry. Do you like it? Yeah. Come on, man. It's just us. You enjoy the job? It's fine. What would you like to do? If you could do anything in the entire world. Any job. Fly a helicopter. Fly a helicopter? Interesting. I used to love helicopters, but I'm also a Lakers fan. Man, and you know what's fucked up? He's wearing a black mambo on his feet. Can I see one of the boots? Are you able to take one of them off? It's the real deal, man. Smell is boo. What the ****'s wrong with you, man? Jesus Christ. You're so stupid. I say my whatever. But as we know, there's a reason you put up with crazy ---- in a relationship, right? Pussy. Yup. I can't see you, but I want to believe that was God. You're 52. Who are you here with, man? My wife. Oh, ----. 17 years. 17 years? What's your name, man? Troy. Great to meet you, Troy. I have a 16-year-old daughter. Why are you telling me that? That seemed like a setup, didn't it? What's up? I'm Troy. Been married 17 years. Had a 16-year-old daughter. Don't mind the math on that. Definitely got married to the force. But she's fine as **** and ready to mingle. Why do you pitch your family like it's the beginning of an episode of Next on MTV? Remember that ----? What's up? I'm Troy. I'm 52. I love pussy. And I got married because she got pregnant. What would you say is the key to keeping things fresh and exciting after 17 years, though? Space. I know she means, like, personal space, but I want to believe, like, they only jerk off to, like, videos of the Milky Way. You know what I mean? Like, they just **** to, like, audiobooks by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Like, nah, you ever **** to space? I don't want to hear about your wife's black holes, dog. I'm alright. That's for me? What is it? It's a Build-A-Bear. You got me a Build-A-Bear? Why? It's a voice message to you in it. It has a voice message? From your show where you said if someone got you a Build-A-Bear. Oh my god. So I did a TikTok one time where the girl in the audience was saying it was a red flag that a guy brought her a Build-A-Bear on a first date. And I said in the video, I was like, I would love if somebody brought me a Build-A-Bear. So you brought me one? Yeah. I got to do more jokes about getting my dick sucked. ****, man. What am I doing with all this cute ----? Oh god. Thanks, I guess. This is so sweet. Thank you. Oh, your numbers are on here. It might still happen. We can use them for clean up. Can I take them out of here? Yeah. This is so cute. Aww. You didn't really, you didn't spring to get him any clothes? That's kind of the whole, you didn't really build the bear. You were just trying to, you kind of just, it looks like you stole one. There's a voicemail one? Yeah, you press his paw. Press his paw? What if I press it and it's just like, I want you to **** me. It might be the other one. That sucks, I can't lie. That's not incredibly audible, but it's a thought that counts. Thank you so much. This is one of the sweetest, laziest gifts I've ever gotten. Thank you. Oh, back in there you go. There we go. I'm from like the middle of Missouri, a place called St. Clair, Missouri. Which means, thank you. Really? You're the only one that got out. Oh my gosh. If there's a tractor parked out front, I'm like, ah, I know her. This is my security in case any of y'all are on your Will Smith ---- right now. Like getting offended and running up on stage. Keep my wife's name out your ******* hands. Never mind, whatever. That's such a cool skill, man. This is like you solving imaginary Rubik's cubes. Just killing ----. Is anybody gay? Anybody at all? Anybody in the vicinity? I know you good with your hands, dog. I know it, dog. I know it. This man will jerk you off with a poem. You're so sweet. I've just never been in this position before. This is so much fun. Ah, the sacrifice. The ****? Did my interpreter just get gentrified? I don't understand. Who are you signing for? I don't even know. No, it is not you, bitch. You've been here on the whole show, for sure. You make us wish we were all deaf, to be honest. You don't sound deaf at all. This just seems so extra. What was your name? Nicole. Great to meet you, Nicole. How did you, um... How did you hear about the show? Um, ****. No, no, no, no, no. Nice to meet you guys. This is so exciting. Thanks for coming. I just wanted to know. Sounds like you don't need to be here, to be honest. Let's everybody be nice. Especially you, feisty. I like your energy a lot. I'll come back there and take your ******* batteries out. I swear to God. I'll turn you off. Super Bowl. Y'all gotta chill the **** out, man. If I have her sign something, will you relay it verbally? Yes, she will. You didn't know this was Deaf Comedy Jam, did you? You didn't know. First off, no, you're not at church. I am sorry, but I know what I look like, okay? I'm acutely aware. If I come up here with an acoustic guitar, it's over. Yeah. How great is our God? Like, you can... You guys can see it. I get it. There's also police officers here. I met a, uh... Officer Swindell? Officer Swindell. Did you meet Officer Swindell? Oh, is that his wife? That's his wife. Oh, man. He said you take forever to calm. He said that before the show. And he dared me that I wouldn't say it at the show. You seriously gotta work on that. That's his trigger finger. And they really, like, he's gotta... Oh, man. Now, he said you guys have great sex. He said he beats it up like you fit a description. He really does. He said sometimes he lets her wear the bulletproof vest and everything. They won't play. She puts on the bulletproof vest and then she's a teacher. Sorry, I'm not one of your students. My bad. Sorry, my bad. That's not even the last school shooting joke of the show. You lived in a crematory? Why do you know that? Who the **** just knows that statistic? Nerd. It's right next to a nursing home? The convenience. Beth. There's a cemetery by the children's hospital? Come on, Pennsylvania. Have a ******* heart, man. You do not put a cemetery next to a ******* children's hospital. You put it next to the school. I told you there was one more. I ******* told y'all, man. I didn't know where, how it was gonna go. But we *******, we found it. Alright, that's the last one. Probably.