Greg Warren ｜ The Champ (Full Comedy Special))

I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I made it through the summer without getting poison ivy. And I know, that's a big deal for me. I don't know what that plant looks like. Like their hints are not very good. Leaves of three, let it be. Oh, thanks for the poem, but it didn't work. This thing has the word poison in it. Is that how we're handling poisons now? Rhymes, when it comes to nerve gas, say, I passed. I've been out there in the forest and those leaves bunch up. I can't count them. I don't know if that's nine leaves of three or one leaf of 27. So what I decided is no more nature. No more nature. Here's my poem. If it's a plant, I can't. In any event, stay on the cement. That's how I'm gonna live my life. I'm gonna start treating vegetation like I treat snakes all bad. But Greg, it's a garter snake. Well, it looks like a snake, snake. Like, I don't know what the word garter means, but if I see a garter mountain lion, I'll leave it. Greg, it's harmless, it's not harmless. It already made me drop my Starbucks. It has done harm. Harm was done. Venti-harm was done. Thank you, yeah, thank you. Yeah, I don't know poison ivy. I'm trying to learn, though. I learned this. They use it for medicinal purposes. They use an extract of poison ivy to treat joint pain. That sounds like something my dad would come up with. Dad, I itch all over. Yeah, you do, but you're not thinking about your knee anymore, are you? There's a snake rhyme. There's these two snakes. They look the same. They have the same colors, but they're arranged differently, and one of them is venomous. So to tell them apart, they have this rhyme. Red touches black friend of Jack. Red touches yellow kills a fellow. Kills a fellow? Fellows aren't supposed to be killed. Fellows are in, like, barber shop quartets. It's for he's a jolly good fellow, not he got murdered by a snake. Here's a better snake rhyme. No snakes. If you're out there in the woods and you see a snake, don't stand still and recite poetry, because somewhere between kills a fellow and friend of Jack, you're gonna get what snake experts call bit. Snakes are horrible. They're terrible. Did you know this? If you cut a snake's head off, it can still bite you for up to four hours. That is true. And it's the same for clowns. No, listen, listen, no. If you see a clown head rolling around, you stay away. Like, you get, like, you don't, it might be a garter clown, but there's no rhyme. It's not like if his nose is red, you're dead. I don't know poison ivy. I don't know trees. That's embarrassing. Our house is the one with the big maple in the front yard. You can't miss it. I can miss it. I'm gonna miss it. Here's the trees I know. Christmas. That's it. That's the only one. And that one's gonna have lights on it for me to get it. Just give me your address. That would be a better system. That's why they have that system. Like, don't tell me about architecture. That's not gonna help either. It's the colonial house. Well, it better have a guy with a triangle hat and a musket marching back and forth. It's the stucco house. Stucco? What is, stucco sounds like a clown that can't get out of stuff. You're like, oh, no. Don't go in there, stucco. You're too big. You're not gonna fit, stucco. You wear a size 76 shoes, stucco. All right, I've been up here for a while. I better get to it. I know why you guys came. Let's talk about Walgreens. It's an important issue. It's a complex issue, but there's a lot of sides. I mean, on one hand, you gotta give it a, there are a lot of Walgreens. Like, there's several Walgreens. You're always close. I mean, it's very convenient. Also, they're open late, but I've noticed after about nine o'clock, they're just kinda open. You ever walk into a Walgreens at like 1130, and the lights are on, and the doors are unlocked, and there's not one human being visible? It's upsetting. It feels like something horrible happened right before I got there. Like, what, did a cheetah get loose in here or something? Did CBS attack him? Eventually, you'll hear, I'm back here. Well, don't be, okay? Be up here. You're a business. You're supposed to have an up here guy at all times. That's what sets you apart from an abandoned warehouse, Walgreens. Also, when you said, I'm back here, you startled me. I'm too old to ever wanna be startled again, especially in an empty Walgreens in the middle of the night. Next time, maybe you could just jump out from behind the Pringles in a hockey goalie mask. That'll be fun. If you need something done back there so bad, why don't you just hire another guy? Right now, you have exactly one more employee than a vending machine. It's not a good look. You're the number 27 company in the Fortune 500, and you have one guy. There's a lemonade stand in my neighborhood. Two girls. They have double, double, double the employees as Walgreens. And listen, like, if you're working anywhere now, at Walgreens anywhere, thank you. I mean, I appreciate you working, but let's face it. If you're the late night worker at Walgreens, you're not first string. Like, you're not their best guy, okay? And you're a little weird. That's why they put you on nights, and they know that. That's why they shouldn't make you do stuff back there. They should give you two simple jobs. Number one, stand next to the register. Number two, wear some article of clothing that says the word Walgreens on it, because when I walk in, I wanna know, you're the guy that works at Walgreens, not the guy that just shot the guy that works at Walgreens. Another thing, if you're a thief, if anybody in here is like a shoplifter, or you steal, I mean, I can see a couple of you. I can see, I wasn't gonna call you out, sir, but I mean, if you're a thief, and you go to Walgreens at 11.30 at night, and there's not one human being visible, take a couple of things. Like, just take some stuff. That's how we're gonna get a permanent up here guy, is if you dirtbags start stealing late, they will staff up. Now, listen to me, listen to me. Stealing is wrong. It's bad. If you don't steal, don't start. I'm just saying, if you happen to steal from Walgreens during the day, could you go a little bit later? Like, it's just, it's gonna be better for you. You're gonna get way more stuff, honestly. Like, it's trick or treating there after 11. Like, nobody's watching. And if you get in trouble, you're fine. Go in front of the judge and say, your honor, I walked in, there was not one human being visible. How was I supposed to know it was a store? It felt more like a place where you just take stuff. You know that take a penny, leave a penny thing? It felt like that, except for you take a lot of stuff, and you leave it, you leave. You just leave, leave, leave it. They're not good at night. They're better during the day. They're not killing it, but they're better. They're better. You go during the day, there's gonna be an up here guy. Okay, there's gonna be somebody next to the register, but one somebody, okay? That line could get to like seven people, still one. It's gotta get to like 11, then they go, Chuck, we need you to come up front. Wait a minute, you had an extra guy back there the whole time? Now I'm angry. Okay, Chuck, when you go up front, I better see you hustle, okay? You better sprint to the front, and when you get up there, you better act like you're sorry for what you did to everybody in this line. Just get right to work. Scan, scan, scan, no chit-chat. Matter of fact, if you're a customer at Walgreens, and you get to the front of the line, no chit-chat from you either. You can talk to the cashier, but business conversation only. This goes mostly for you old guys, okay? I know, I know that's the highlight of your day, sir. I know you've been waiting to get in there all morning and chat it up with the cashier, but we don't want to hear it, right? You think we're gonna get in the rain tonight? Literally, shut up, shut up, old man. Shut up, we're not retired back here. Just get to your business talk. We know you have business talk, because there's never been one old guy that got to the front of the line at Walgreens and did not have some sort of a price discrepancy. Every time, every time, $1.25 for a snicker bar, the circular said 18 cents. The circular? The circular from 1756 might have said that price, sir. Also, when you walk into Walgreens, they have shopping carts. No, no, no. I have met your employees, and they cannot handle that kind of volume. I have seen them struggle with two items. Now we're gonna encourage people to get 54. That's a bad idea. Everybody in this room knows the unwritten rule at Walgreens, whatever you can hold in your hand, that's how much you can buy. If you need more, you turn around, you go to Target. That's a Target trip. You don't bring a Target trip to Walgreens. And God forbid an old person gets their hands on one of those carts, they'll have to shut it down. Sorry, guys, Walgreens is closed. Mort got a cart. Now listen, I think you guys are looking at me like, well, this guy hates Walgreens. I don't. I love Walgreens. That's why I'm so hard on them. I mean, that's my pharmacy. I've been going to the same Walgreens my whole life, and I think they're good. I think they're better than CVS. Close, but I think they're better than CVS. You guys are probably like, wait a minute, Greg. You said Walgreens has one employee. How could they be better than CVS? CVS has one employee for every five stores. That's how they do it. Where's the checker? He's in Chillicothe right now. Just wait, he'll be here. Show some patience. Hey, listen, when I'm talking about Walgreens, I'm not talking about the pharmacy. I'm talking about regular Walgreens. I don't think that's the same company. I bet you the regular Walgreens workers are not allowed to talk to the pharmacy people. Don't look at them. They're better than us. Don't look at them. I bet you every now and then the regular Walgreens manager tries to go in and tell the pharmacy people to do something like, hey guys, I was thinking today, maybe shut up, Ted, you got no jurisdiction here. Go sell pretzels. We're gonna heal the sick. I mean, Walgreens has good stuff. I mean it. They're open on Christmas, 24 hours. I have never missed one Christmas at Walgreens. Greg, did you go to Midnight Mass? No, I went to 1130 Walgreens. Here's what I do, okay? I have a tradition. Every Christmas Eve, I wrap gifts and I get sick of it real quick and I go to Walgreens and I buy a bunch of those holiday gift bags. You know what I'm talking? It's the perfect way to say, hey, I wanna spend money on you, but not time or effort, okay? Here's what I'm gonna do with your gift. I'm gonna throw it in a bag. I'm gonna crinkle up some garbage and put it on top so we can't see what's in there for 13 seconds and then we're gonna pretend like I wrapped that gift. That gift is about as wrapped as bubble gum under a desk. It's not wrapped. My dad uses holiday gift bags, sort of. When he buys your gift at the store, they put it in a bag and that's what you're getting on Christmas morning and it's gonna have a couple of his items in the bottom that he forgot to take out. You're like, oh, foot powder, Dad, thanks. Give me that, give me that. My grandma, my grandma Nano, Nano was the greatest gift wrapper in history. She wrapped our gifts in maps. Isn't that cool? Yeah, I wish I would've saved them. My grandma worked for the Defense Department in mapping. She did, she did, and she would bring these maps home from the office. I don't know if she was supposed to do that, but she did and it was great because I was like, oh, your grandma has wrapping paper with Snoopy's and Santa Claus's? That's cute. My grandma trusted me with strategic bombing locations in Mainland China and I'm up here, you know, I'm up here talking about Walgreens for having one employee. It's true a lot, but there's other places. It's not fair to Walgreens for me to pick on them. I mean, have you been to a hotel? Like, this is how they work, this is how they work. They have about 100 people staying there, okay, and they put one 19-year-old in charge of the whole operation. That kid is 19, okay? If he gets a phone call from his buddy during his shift and his buddy says, hey, I met these two girls and they have some beers, he will quit right there. He will leave. Sometimes I'll get to a hotel late, like, I don't know, 10 o'clock and I'll walk in, there's nobody there. There's nobody, nobody at the front desk, no sign of anybody. It's like Walgreens at night, but it's more concerning because I plan on being unconscious in this establishment. One time I came downstairs and I go to the front desk. I'm like, hey, there's something wrong in my room. Can I talk to the manager? Sir, the manager does not work at night. Really? Because you guys are sort of in the business of night. Like, that is why you exist, primarily for the night. People come here for night stuff. You are a night business. Hotels and lighthouses, it's night, it's night. It's for night places, okay? I have an email that says I booked a three-night stay. Night, night. No, I'm not saying good night. I'm not saying night-night. I'm emphasizing the word night. But night-night. Anyways, they don't have employees at hotels. They don't have managers. Here's what they have, surveys, okay? If you stay at a hotel, you're gonna get an email a day later with a survey. And these survey questions, they're very pointed. It's not, how did you like the holiday? And it's, when you checked in, were you greeted by the front desk? Did they offer you? Just ask me what you wanna ask me. Should we fire Carol? I see what's going on here. You guys don't have any managers on staff, so you want me to be a tattletale. You want me to tell on Carol that I'm not a rat. I'm not gonna rat Carol out, okay? I'm not gonna do it. I don't even leave bad Yelp reviews. You know why? I'm a comedian. And sometimes I have bad shows, and I would prefer that you guys shut up about it. Okay, like, it's just, we don't need to tell everybody anything, all right? And the surveys are arrogant with your time. I mean, it starts off pretty simple. They trick you. It's like, hey, rate us one to 10. I didn't do that. For the essay portion of the survey, you'll have 55 minutes to complete. I'm like, what? Wait a minute. I've been, you know, I've been, I've been staying in hotels for a while. I don't know, a long time. And I've been filling out surveys for a long time, and I don't notice any improvement. I don't know. I don't know if they're reading these surveys. Like, here is my theory on customer service surveys. They do not exist to improve customer service. They have them so they can figure out how bad can we make customer service before we start losing money. Like, it's just, they are trying to hone in. They're zeroing in. They're dialing in on that sweet spot. They're like, boss, the survey results are in. It says our customer service is horrible. Okay, what are sales like? They're up slightly. I want you to make customer service worse. I want you to go down to one employee. We already have one employee. Make them stupid. I want you to make them very stupid. I probably should have started by telling you guys I have a cauliflower ear. I don't know if you can see that. Yeah, it's, yeah, it's, it's, it's, I'm sorry. Like, you, you have a perfect, and don't stare at it, ma'am. That's just, don't, don't stare. That's rude. It's rude, all right? But yeah, you guys, you gotta, like, it's really two different shows. Over here, it's a comedy show. It's a comedy show. Over here, it's a freak show. Like, it just is. It's a freak show. I don't know, I, yeah, no. I got this from wrestling. I wrestled in college. Thank you, thank you, yeah, thank you. I wrestled for the University of Missouri, and college wrestling is hard. It's very hard. I figured it out quick. Our first match was against this team, the University of Northern Iowa, and I wrestled this guy, and he was what they call, in NCAA wrestling, better than me. Like, we, so we started wrestling, and I got, like, tired. Like, I just, I was just laying there. I couldn't move, and they were all yelling at me. I was like, guys, I agree, this is bad, but we're not gonna fix it tonight. Usually, when I get this tired, I do not get untired for, like, two or three hours. Like, we, my coach yelled, get up! I was like, I don't know if you saw, I tried to do that seven seconds ago, and he didn't want me to. Like, he, he threw me back down, coach. That's why I'm still down here. Were you not even watching? I got some more bad news for you. As tired as I am, he doesn't seem to be tired at all. We got a real situation on our hands, coach. Then it got worse. The referee, the one guy in the gymnasium charged with my safety, started making fun of me. The referee. He goes, are you okay down there, son? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha? He didn't care if I was okay. He was trying to get last, and as a comedian, I can tell you, he was good. Like, he, he had a good show. Like, he, he, he did, like, he killed, he killed. Like, they all laughed at me. It was humiliating, and my coach never let me forget that moment, ever. That was my freshman year. If I had one bad practice my senior year, he'd bring it up. Warren, this reminds me of when you laid down at Northern Iowa. Technically, I was forced down, coach. Laid down! Even if I had a good practice, Warren, you got after it today. Good job. Bunner, you're an embarrassment. You remind me of when Warren laid down at Northern Iowa. He always said it reminded him, so, like, he mentioned it every five days. I don't think he needed to be reminded of it. I think it was always on his mind. I think every morning, his alarm, when I was like, well, I'd better not lay in this bed like Warren did at Northern Iowa. No, I don't want pancakes for breakfast. I gotta look at them laying there on the plate like they're Warren at Northern Iowa. I told you, woman, I don't eat Warren Northern Iowa cakes. It was a horrible night. And we had practice two days later, and it was a hard practice, like, hard. And at the end of practice, he goes, we're not done. Meet at the bottom of the stairs. We're gonna run stairs. And I was hurt, legitimately. I had a bad back. I said to my friend, Darren Davis, I go, hey, man, I don't think I can run these stairs. My back is killing me. You think if I asked Coach if I could just ride the exercise bike instead of run the stairs, he'd be cool with it? And he goes, yeah, you should ask him. How is it that you guys know the answer to the question for, like, I don't think Davis had my best interest at heart. We used to have to watch videotapes, man, and not the good ones. Of our matches. We watched that Northern Iowa match. It was just me and him in a VCR in this little room. He's like, look at you, Warren. I'd put it on pause, but I don't need to because you're not moving. Earlier in the match, we were on our feet. That's how you start a wrestling match. You're both on your feet. You do. And he had this rule. When you're on your feet, you should never, ever get taken down near the edge of the mat. Because if you're concentrating, you can just sort of step out of bounds, and then they'll bring you to the center and start over. Well, I was not concentrating, and we watched the match several times. Like, several times. Look at you, Warren. Look at you. Why didn't you just get a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette? You were obviously on your break. Show it again. I'd say you went down like a sack of potatoes, but a sack of potatoes would have had the sense to get out of bounds. Show it again. I mean, maybe a sack of mashed potatoes because you're soft like mashed potatoes. Show it again. I mean, you're just standing straight up. You might as well have sent him an invitation to take you down. Dear Northern Iowa, you are cordially invited to shoot a double leg takedown on me. I will not be able to defend myself as I have no idea what the proper wrestling stance is, even though my coach has explained it to me 79,000 times. Sincerely, Warren. Show it again. I mean, your legs are supposed to be shoulder length apart. They're so close together, I thought you were tied to another man in a three-legged race. Show it again. It was horrible. It was really bad, you know? And yeah, I mean, I'm not married. I, like, I've never been married and I'm not saying it's all coach's fault. Maybe a little, maybe a little. Because I don't like those weddings. They make me nervous. When it gets real quiet and they go, if anybody has any reason why these two people should not be married, speak now or forever. Hold Warren late down at Northern Iowa. Don't marry Warren. He's gonna lay down in your marriage like it's Northern Iowa. You should marry Bobby Crawford. He wrestled his heart out at Northern Iowa. Get up there, Crawford. Marry Warren's woman. She deserves better than Warren. Hayes, Lovelace, you get up there too in case she doesn't like the look of Crawford. They still do that. Like, if anybody has any reason why these two people should not be married, speak now or forever. Hold your peace. What they should say is if anybody has any reason why these two people should not be married, maybe you should have brought it up like four or five weeks ago. You knew, you knew, you knew. You'd just been sitting on it so you could be the center of attention. You're a jerk. You're a real jerk. And they can't even get their deposit back and it's all your fault, you jerk. Wrestling was the only sport I was any good at. Despite that Northern Iowa thing. I got better, sir. Like, I got better. But yeah, I don't know. I'm not good at anything else. I wish I would've played baseball. I love baseball. I wish. I wouldn't have been good though. Like, I can't throw for some reason. I'm just like, I'm pretty strong still. Like, this way or this way. Okay, but like, it's like a baby. Like, I just can't. I don't know if it's genetic or what. Like, I just can't. There's nothing. I went to the fair with my buddy Mark and we were playing that game where you just, what, you guys can't go to the fair? Is that what? Mark and I went to the fair and we were playing that game where you throw the ball and you knock down the pins. And I threw 15 balls and I knocked down zero pins. And I hit four of them. Like, they just didn't go down. The pins were like, not for that. Not, not, not. You have to be stronger than that. And honestly, I didn't care. I'm not that competitive anymore, but I was with Mark and I was trying to make him laugh. So I threw like a fake temper tantrum. I was like, I hate this game. I hate this stupid game. I'm a loser. I hate this game, Mark. And the guy running the game goes, no, no, no, no, my friend. It is a very difficult game. He goes, hold on. I have a prize for you. He went in the back and he brought out a hat. It was just a hat. It didn't say anything on it. It was just a blue hat. It was the definition of a consolation prize. He was literally trying to console me. Like, I think when he got hired, his boss was like, hey, every couple of months, there's going to be a loose cannon. Just, just give him a hat. It'll settle him down. These things only cost two bucks. Give him a hat. And I wore that hat. Proudly, I wore that hat. And, and I think it was a signal to the other fair workers because they treated me differently. Like, I would just be walking around like, did you win that hat, little buddy? Get up here. You don't have to wait in line. Like, I love that hat. I still wear it. I wear it all the time. I get like free ice cream. It's like, I'm not, I'm not competitive. You know what I'm competitive in? The New York Times crossword puzzle. It's important. You guys do it? You do, yeah? You do the app or the paper? App, yeah, they do the app. The way it works, it starts on Monday and it gets harder every day of the week. So usually right around, you know, Tuesday I'm out. But I can't, no, no, I'm better. Like, I did it Friday last week and I'm like, I'm like, I'm a baller. You know, like it was, I've never been that proud of anything. Like, and no, but the way the app works is there's a timer and it keeps track of how long it takes you to finish the puzzle. But I do them at night. Like, and I'll fall asleep and that timer is still going. So to the people at the New York Times, it looks like, wow, there's this guy in St. Louis that is stupid. Like this is, this is the dumbest crossword puzzle solver. Like he's going for seven hours and he's got two letters. Look at, he's still trying though. He won't give up. This guy's like the Rudy of crossword puzzles. Jim, send him a hat. Send this guy a hat. They're supposed to make you smarter. You know that like crossword puzzles are supposed to improve your brain chemistry. I don't know why I just pointed to my head like that. That's a sign that it's not improving my brain chemistry. No, I, they're supposed to make you smarter. But if you were ever to hear the thoughts in my head when I was attempting to solve a crossword puzzle, it would not sound smart. It sounds like, what, what's the, my foot. Foot, foot, foot, foot, so what, what must, what, I can do this. What's the, boy. I should've got that one quicker. The clue was young male. It was three letters and I had to be in the Y. Like I should've, I wish I could compete in stuff besides crossword puzzles, but I don't know. I wish I could go back and play sports. I wish I could wrestle. I wish I could go back and, not college. Like college, it was just too hard. Even when I won, I was like, I don't feel good. But high school sports, that was awesome. High school sports. I think high school sports are just the funnest thing in the world. But they're different today. Like it's not the same. Like the sports are different. They don't have the same sports. Do you know the state of Illinois has high school fishing? They do, they do, I'm not lying. It's a school sport like football or baseball. They're like, we're gonna beat you guys in Friday night and fishing. They have a state championship for fishing, sanctioned, which means there's gotta be fishing coaches. I'm gonna guess they're similar to the coaches I had. Will you boys embarrass yourselves out there on that lake today? Hayes got his hook caught in a tree. Jansen pulled a shoe out of the lake. And Martin, you couldn't catch a fish in the seafood department at the grocery store. If I was a fish, I'd feel safe around every one of you. All right, everybody, hands in, fish on three. If there's a high school fishing coach somewhere out there, there is an assistant high school fishing coach and I never wanted to meet somebody so bad in my life. Guys, we are gonna have a tackle box inspection at 9 a.m. And you better have all your hooks and you better have all your lures or you're not gonna get on that school bus, I can tell you that right now. Bubba Henderson, I found a half of a ham sandwich in your tackle box. That's not how a fisherman treats his equipment, son. You think Beck Winkleman has a half of a ham sandwich in his tackle box? You think Bill Dan says any kind of a sandwich in his tackle box? That's all I got, coach, back to you. You know the parents are involved too. Coach, my boy deserves to be starting on this fishing tape. You got him sitting there on the shore, put him in the boat, coach, put him in the boat. Put my boy in that boat. He ready to back in the shore, feel the stream. He don't even read the field parts, just stream. That's all he looks at, coach. You better put my boy in that boat, coach. Fishing's in his blood. I had him tie hooks when he was two years old. They told me don't give a sharp object to a toddler, but he had his tetanus, so I gave it to him. And it stuck him, it stuck him a couple times. So when I tell you it's in his blood, it's in his blood, coach. It's in his, put my boy in that boat. You think they have fishing cheerleaders? Be, be patient. Be, be, be patient. Shut up, Charlene, you're scaring the fish. Catfish, crappie, small mouth ass. Your onboard motor's out of gas. We've got worms, yes we do. We've got worms, how about you? Bang, bang, choo-choo train, come on, let's do that thing. Walk it, reel it, weigh it, now throw it back. Bang, bang, choo-choo train, come on, let's do that thing. You didn't think it was gonna be that kind of show, did you? We got it all. You don't know how much training I had to do that. It's real though, I'm not, like they have high school fishing teams. It's like, they have college fishing teams. They have scholarships to college for fishing. Somewhere, there's a dad that's like, sit down, son. They cut my hours at the meal today. I can't afford to send you to college. You wanna make it out of this town? You're gonna have to fish your way out. I met a high school fishing coach from Illinois and I had a lot of questions. I did, I go, I assume it's a spring sport. He goes, well, we practice all year round. I was like, it's Illinois, you don't, you know? He goes, in the winter, we practice indoors. Where, where? Tell me it's not the swimming pool. That's not fair to the swim team. That's why they made that pool. Like, coach, one of your anglers swiped my best butterfly. It's partially his fault. He's a sucker for spinner bait, but I mean, come on, coach. We're supposed to share this pool. You like it? Bang, bang, choo-choo. They told me I wasn't moving my hips enough in practice. Is it? Bang, bang, choo-choo. They have other weird sports. The state of Texas has high school barbecue. I know, they do, they do. Like, it's, I don't think it's as prevalent as fishing, you know, but they have, but there's teams that, like, high school teams that barbecue against each other, and I'm gonna tell you right now, I would have played that sport. Like, that would have been, I would have quit wrestling so fast to go out for a barbecue. I love bar, I would have done one. I would have, like, coach, just, I wanna be on this team. I'll do what it takes. I'll start on chicken or turkey. Like, you don't have to, I don't have to do the big stuff now. Put me on sides, put me on sides, coach. I'll be on the mac and cheese squad. I don't care. Like, I wanna earn my way. I love barbecue, man. I love it. I love it so much, man. I, I travel every week, and I go to a barbecue place every town, and before you start, I'm not gonna listen to you. Like, I just, I don't ask locals anymore, because they're just, they don't want you to go somewhere close. Like, it's never, like, hey, man, I saw this place. It was right by my hotel. I'm gonna go to this bar. You don't wanna go there. You don't, you don't wanna go there. That's not real barbecue. You don't wanna go there. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna get on the freeway. You're gonna go about 45 miles, okay? You're gonna come to a rusted down mailbox. You make a right there on a gravel road, and you just keep going till it ends. There's a man that lives in a dirt hole. Now, he comes out of that hole every Thursday morning with a brisket. That's some barbecue right there. That's some barbecue. He don't take money. You gotta give him baseball cards, but I'm gonna tell you what. That's some barbecue right there. Stick with me. I love barbecue. I do, and I go a lot, but here's my main problem with barbecue restaurants. It's the only business where it's just fine for them to not have the stuff that they say they're gonna have. Like, they're smug about it. They're not sorry. Like, they're smug. They'll be like, can I get some ribs? You want ribs? You want ribs at 3.30 in the afternoon? Son, we ain't had ribs since 11.05. They line up for these ribs. You can't just come in here in the afternoon looking for some ribs. I mean, they line up. They line up for these ribs. Billy, we got a boy out here that says he wants some ribs. I don't know. I don't know who's gonna bring it to him. It may be Santa Claus on the Easter Thumbnail. Just give me the ribs. Make some more. Like, you're a business. Like, you say what you want about Walgreens. I said a lot. I said a lot about Walgreens, but I'll tell you what. Like, they have the stuff, and when they don't have the stuff, they're sorry about it. They're not, they're not like, you won't, you won't Lipitor. You gonna come into Walgreens asking for Lipitor at 10.30 in the a.m.? I mean, these elderly line up for that Lipitor. They line up. They line up for Lipitor. We ain't had Lipitor since 7 a.m. Now, listen up. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna wake up early tomorrow morning if you're still alive, and I don't think you will be, but you get up early, get in here. We'll get you some Lipitor if it ain't too late, you know? I'm not, I'm not on Lipitor. I don't care. Probably three or four years. I'll just start taking it. I'll just start. I'll just go to Walgreens, be like, hey, give me some Lipitor. Sir, do you have a prescription? No, no, but all the old guys in my family are on it. Like, just, let's just, look at the records. This is my birthright. Give me that Lipitor. You get, you get Lipitor old. Like, that's, that's when you, that's, you're old. Like, like, that's, you start doing stuff like talking to Walgreens clerks, giving out advice that nobody wants to hear, or you start warning young people how high the concession prices are at sporting events. You know that baseball game, you know you're gonna pay $9 for a hot dog. Yeah, I know. I know. I was there last week. I'm saying one hot dog, $9. I heard you the first time. You go to the grocery store, you can buy three packs of hot dogs for $9. Yeah, that's, that's a thing. It's called captive pricing. I was captive in Vietnam. I didn't pay $9 for a hot dog. You can't charge a POW at $9 for a hot dog. That's a Geneva Convention right there. And that guy usually has another old guy with him. And when he says $9 for a hot dog, the other guy goes, every bit of $9. That's my favorite guy in the world right there. He just travels the globe looking for somebody to say a number. Is this church service gonna take three hours? Every bit of $3. Bit of $9. I've been having some problems with old people. Listen, I know I'm not young. I know I'm not young, but I'm like, like older than, like Lipitor, like Lipitor plus 10 or something. I was at the gym. I was swimming laps, okay? And I know that's kind of an old guy thing anyway, but I was swimming laps. And the rule at my gym is, if the lanes are full, you gotta split a lane. That's just the rules and everybody knows it. So the lanes are full and I go over to lane one. That's my favorite lane. And there's an old lady in there and she's swim walking, okay? I don't like swim walkers, okay? But they have the right to be there. So I'm respectful. I don't even jump in and start swimming. I just sit down so she can see me, you know? And she sees me and she goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She goes, lane one is for walking only. I'm like, it's not, man. And then a bunch of old people like joined in on her side. They ganged up, they're like, walk it on me. Come on, Margaret, walk it on me. Yeah. Every bit of that lane is for walking only. Like they ganged up on me and like I just, I got up and I went into lane four. I wasn't afraid of them, but like I didn't want to cause a scene. So I started swimming and I should have let it go. I should have just swam and let it go, but I couldn't get it out of my head. The whole time I was swimming, I was like, I don't think lane one is for walking only. Like there's no sign. There's a sign for everything at this gym. Like that lady is a liar and a bully. She's a bully, okay? And I got out of the pool and I handled a bully like you're supposed to handle a bully. I told on her. I did. I'm 56. I think she was about 84. And I told a 16 year old what she did. Like I did. I told the lifeguard on duty. That was who was in charge. I went into the office and I told on that old lady and she got in trouble. It was awesome. Who's walking only now? And I don't think I should have done it. Cause I passed her in the hallway the next day and I'm pretty sure she gave me the throat cut sign. Like I was like, they're going to get me. They're going to gang up on me in the sauna or something like that. Who's walking only now? That one's for Margaret. I don't, I don't fight anymore. The last time I got in a fight, I was like, it was like 10 years ago. I was living in New York city and I was walking in my neighborhood, like in the lower East side. And I hear this guy behind me. He goes, hey man, what are you looking at? And I turned around, which don't do that. If you go to New York city and you hear somebody behind you yelling, you just keep walking. It sounds like your mom, leave her. Like you just leave her. Cut her loose. Okay. It was a crazy guy. He sprinted up. He got my face. He goes, I was talking to you, man. Don't walk away from me, man. I go, I don't know who you are, man. And he punched me in the head. Like I should have seen it coming. He was like winding up. Like it was cartoons. Like he was like Popeye. Like Popeye. He's like winding up and he hit me. At that point, I hadn't been hit in about 20 years and I forgot what you're supposed to do. And then I remembered, I used to practice fighting every day in college and I wrestled him. I did. I shot a single leg takedown to the right side. I picked his leg way up here like you're supposed to. And he went right down. Like he sucked. Like this guy, I guarantee you he never made it past districts. Like he just wasn't good. And I got on top of him and I lost my mind. I was like, I used to wrestle. Wrestle. If somebody would have walked by, they'd have been like, there's a crazy guy getting beat up by a really crazy guy. And it's New York City. So people did start walking by and it's New York City. So nobody cared. They're like, oh, it looks like Larry's losing tonight. Finally, some guy walked by and he pulled out his cell phone. He started videotaping us. And that's when it all came flooding back to me. I'm like, I'm 46. I'm fighting in a major metropolitan area on the streets. There's going to be legal consequences. And it was the weirdest end to a wrestling match. I just go, hey man, I gotta go. I just, I just left. My mom said I had to be home by eight. Like I just, I just left and he left and nobody said anything. Like the only guy that said anything was a dude with a cell phone. As I was walking away, he goes, yo dawg, why'd he hit you? I was like, cause he's crazy. He goes, you a champ dawg, you a champ. And that made me like proud. I was, I was proud. I was like, yeah, at least one person in this city knows I can still beat a heroin addict in a wrestling match if I need to. And I, and I just, I went home and I was like shaken up. And I call my friend, Mike, who had lived in the city for a long time. And we got to the part about the cell phone and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, this is on tape. I go, yeah, I guess so. He goes, dude, this is going to be the biggest thing in your career. I go, hey man, I had a Comedy Central special. He goes, yeah, dude, but people are going to watch this. He goes, this is on YouTube right now. I guarantee it. I go, it's not on YouTube. He goes, dude, it is. I watch fight videos all the time. They put them right up. I go, it's not on YouTube. He goes, it is, dude. I go, I guarantee you it's not on YouTube. He goes, how do you know? I go, because if it was, I would have already gotten a phone call. Warren, I saw your match on the internet. That bum laid down like he was you at Northern Hall. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you. You guys are all awesome. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I'm not leaving until everybody stands up and sings. ♪ Swing, swing, choo-choo ♪ ♪ My baby, you're not going back ♪ ♪ Really, wait ♪ I also learned this, that rash that you get from Poison Ivy, it's not contagious, no matter what they tell you. If I get Poison Ivy and you touch my rash, you're not gonna get it. But I can tell you from experience still, nobody wants to touch your rash. There's just not a lot of rash touchers out there. The rash toucher community is limited to dermatologists that have gloves on, and you gotta pay them. It's a $40 copay to get somebody to touch your rash. And listen, that's a good price. My neighbor won't take 100. I've asked several times, it's just, I blame the public school system. We didn't learn about it. That should be the first year of high school science, Poison Ivy identification. I would be in the slow learner group. I'd be in the back with some teacher's aide looking at flashcards, Poison Ivy! No, Greg, that's actually romaine lettuce. You're not trying. I am trying. I had biology freshman year. I don't remember anything from that class. We cut a frog's head off one day. I don't use that today because I'm not a serial killer. I think that whole dissection thing freshman year, that's not for science purposes. That is to identify future sociopaths. If the kid likes it a little too much, his name is going on a list. Yeah, Todd was licking blood off the frog and laughing, just reserve a spot in the federal prison system for Todd. No Poison Ivy. I don't know trees. That's embarrassing. Our house is the one with the big maple in the front yard. You can't miss it. I can miss it. I'm gonna miss it. Here's the trees I know. Christmas, that's it. That's the only one, and that one's gotta have lights on it for me to get it. Just give me your address. That would be a better system. That's why they have that system. Don't tell me about architecture. That's not gonna help either. It's the colonial house. Well, it better have a guy with a triangle hat and a musket marching back and forth. It's the stucco house. Stucco? What is stucco? It sounds like a clown that can't get out of stuff. You're like, oh no, don't go in there, stucco. You're too big. You're not gonna fit, stucco. You wear a size 76 shoes, stucco. I just don't know a lot of stuff, and I'm not sure I can learn. I don't retain information anymore. Last year, I read a book on Harry Truman. It was 1,000 pages, and I read all the words, and I don't know anything about Harry Truman. I know a few things, but what I know sounds like it came from a third grader's report on Harry Truman. Harry Truman was a man. Harry Truman was the president. Harry Truman came from Kansas City. I'm glad I read it about Harry Truman. You should read it about Harry Truman, too. The end. I read it. I must have been drifting when I read it, because I don't pay attention to stuff. I didn't in school. That was a problem. When I was in school, I had this one teacher. She was a genius at knowing whether or not I was paying attention. She'd be at the board with her back to me. She'd be like, Greg, are you with me? Are you with me, Greg? Are you with me? I think we both know I'm not with you, Ms. Lattimore. I'm a 17-year-old boy. I'm surrounded by the three hottest girls in the school. I'm with them. That's who I am right now, and it's no offense to you. You're a good teacher, but you're no match for Liz and Lisa and Diane. It's just not gonna happen. I pay attention to some stuff. I read this book on the Wright Brothers. You know what they did before they invented flight? They had a bike shop. They had a bike shop, good. Yeah, they had a bike shop. I didn't realize they kept that bike shop open the whole time while they were inventing flight. You gotta think towards the end, they probably weren't paying as much attention to their bike customers as they should have been. Hey Orville, I brought my bike in six weeks ago. Yeah, we're working on it. I don't think you are, because I'm pretty sure I saw my back tire attached to your flying machine in the front yard. You're going to the Schwinn Brothers.