Prince William Should've Married Me： Tammy Pescatelli)

If I'd have married the future king of England, ---- would have went down a little bit differently. They would have treated it like a tailgating party. My father would have been there with a rainbow wig and a John 316 sign. My mother would have started the wave and made out with the priests. My brothers would have had those big phones, we're number one. My uncles, who I wouldn't have been able to invite into the wedding, like the Duchess of York, they'd have had to stay out in the parking lot. They'd have been frying up dogs and bootlegging t-shirts. If you want to be queen, you got to kneel before the king. Or ask the no-tooth hooker about that. I don't know, I don't. You laugh and you learn when you find the funny. I don't know. What I went through to have my son, and I don't mean physically, none of that stuff, I just mean to keep my job. When I was pregnant with him, I'd been a comic for 14 years at that point. When everybody found out I was pregnant, they were like, oh my god, what are you gonna do? Well, what do you mean? I'll never forget to take my birth control pill again, what do you mean? They didn't know what to do with me, because most female comedians, their wives have their babies for them, right? So no one knew. It just is what it is. It is what it is. Those are my colleagues and friends, so, and I support it. But I just, no one knew what to do with me. My agent goes, well, guess your career's over. What was this, just a ruse to get a man, all this? He goes, well, I never saw a pregnant woman on stage. Well, apparently never been to a really bad strip club. It's just a two-for-one dance, is all that is, that's all that is. Oh, so much fun. Every day, something's crazy. Every day, you find it funny. I'm telling you, you just got to pay attention. The problem is, is we don't pay attention. We're so self-absorbed, we don't listen to other people even, right? Guy came up to me after the show, he said, I saw you on YouTube, remember me? I got his number in case my cousin's line is busy, because you just never, it's always good to have a dummy on backup. You find the funny. And I can only tell you how to help you do, I can only help you to find the funny, because it's happened to me. It's happened to me. I was publicly humiliated once that I didn't know how I was going to get out of bed. I was supposed to be on the second season of Dancing with the Stars. At least that's what I thought. No one was watching that show. It was not popular then. Two days before I was supposed to start rehearsal, I got a phone call. They said, Tammy, we're sorry, but we're going in a different direction. So I got GPS, where are you going? I will follow you. I will stalk you like Sacagawea with MapQuest, where are you going? Started shaving my eyebrows and getting a wig. They stunt casted because Hollywood is flaky. You know who they chose over me? Heather Mills McCartney. Yes, that's why that show became popular. Because Heather Mills, you know who she is? She used to be married to a beetle. She's an amputee. You don't even know a bad day at work till you've been replaced on a dancing show by a one-legged broad, okay? You got to start finding the funny fast. Tried to choke myself to death. That doesn't work. You pass out and your hands fall off your throat and you breathe and suck at two things. That's my favorite joke. If you get that great, if you don't, put your head down and rest because that is the delineating line joke. True story. It was a bad day. I was humiliated. I wasn't paying attention. I got in a car accident. I was okay, but the airbag imploded, hit me in the face. My lips were swollen, but it was Hollywood, so people never thought I looked better. Oh my God, who did your lips? Cadillac, get the hell away from me. Tried to call my cousin. This is why you got to have a dumb friend. I called her. I go, oh my God, what a day I'm having. She goes, I can't talk now. My toe is stuck in the dishwasher. I immediately felt better about myself because I can get a new car and a new job, but I'll never be that damn stupid. You find it. The funny's there. Someone keeps breaking into our car. Can you imagine? Three times in the past six months, all I steal is the change out of the ashtray. So annoying. Just the change. First two times I did not call the police. I have a lot of respect for police officers. I didn't want to bother them. This time I finally called the cops. They sent the wrong guy. They sent a guy who could not find the funny if it had a handle. He asked me the world's dumbest question ever in police work, and I watch all those cop shows. I know. He said, do you have any idea who might've stolen your change? President. He promised change. Maybe he's taken mine and given it to someone else. Now, I don't mean that in a political way at all. I could care less what your politics are, but a lot of people who don't have a sense of humor take that in a political way. You know who you are because your ass is tight right now. I would just say what I meant. He took it in a political way, right? The cop did. He had no sense of humor. He goes, you know what? For a comment like that, we could put you on the watch list. It's good. While you're watching me, can you watch my car? Make sure no one breaks in, steals my change. So I'm going to kill someone over $3 and 47 cents. Okay. I'm in the garage, sleeping on a lawn chair with a slingshot. Cause that's some little bastard whose family doesn't know how to control them. You understand? Cause you can't hit your kids anymore, but you can trip them. They're clumsy and fall into furniture. They will listen. All right. Since when did society get to tell you what to do with a kid? I didn't know that I had my kid. I had never told anybody what to do with their kid. Within an hour of coming home from the hospital, I received four phone calls from a Nazi breastfeeding organization that found out I was going to give my son a bottle. I said, what do you people want? The lady goes, we'd like to come over and nurse your baby. I said, my baby's fine, but my husband could use some attention. I'm tired. And I see how this works out. And he doesn't want to let any of them go to waste. It was a long time ago. It's all right. People tell you what to do with that's to do with your kids. I don't know why people tell you what to do with the kid. We're ruining kids. I signed my son up for t-ball. All I ever wanted was a little boy to play sports. They don't even keep score at t-ball anymore because everybody's a winner. Not really. Look around. Some people are losers. Innately. And if you don't teach your kid how to lose and figure out a way to come back and win, then he's going to live with you in his underwear and cowboy boots behind the screen door for the rest of his goddamn life.