Slavic Man Tries American Food (Instant Regret)

Hello, my name is Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov, but you can call me Vanya. As you can probably tell, I am Slavic man. But today I will be reviewing American garbage food. In this country, I have noticed that everyone is fat. And I am not surprised. You deep fry everything and put chemicals in your food that not even Mendeleev could have imagined. I saw a video of unrefrigerated McDonald's burger that survived longer than the Soviet Union. This is... ...dumb-a-yo-bism. It's a real problem. Imagine you put this in your stomach. I am used to real food made by my babushka, like pelmeni, katleti, borsch, kalubtsi. Of course, always a little bit of vodka with zakuska. And today I will need a lot of vodka to survive all of this garbage food. And also to disinfect my stomach from all these debil chemicals. Давай, поехали. Here is how it will work. I will try different American foods, and I will use very easy rating system. Хуйня or охуительно. Uh, sorry, you might not understand this. Basically, I give it a rating from 1 to 10. Короче, let's begin. What do I want to start with first? It's like choosing the best way to kill yourself, you know? Ахуеть, блять. I think I will try McDonald's burger first. I know McDonald's is everywhere. Even back in my village at home we have McDonald's. We don't have hospital or public toilet, but we have McDonald's. This is real capitalism company. However, McDonald's back in my village uses real food. It's Slava in the kitchen making kalubtsi. I don't know, this look like plastic burger from Barbie doll house. Смотри, look at the cheese. This color yellow is not natural. Okay, давай. Bread is very soft, like American pussies. I mean like people, American people are pussies, not American. You know what I mean, okay? Uh, meat looks kind of real, but is like very thin. If only American people were as thin as their burger patties, maybe they can fit on commercial airplane. There is pickles, by the way, so I approve. Only two pickles, that is horrible pickle to burger ratio. At least there is pickles, so maybe this will not be complete failure. So let's try. Неплохо. Tastes okay. Pickles I approve. Ketchup there is too much. I do not understand why Americans put ketchup on everything. When I go to bar, I take shot of vodka, I see Americans taking shots of ketchup. You know, this is a debilism to me. But it's okay, yeah. It's a normal fake burger. Бургер. I don't know how to say this. Maybe instead of ketchup, there was a real condiment, like хрен and mayonnaise. Okay, overall my rating is not bad. Looks like fake burger. Tastes like Chinese replica of real burger. But it is American, so it is more debil. Overall rating maybe, um, 5 out of 10. Okay, enough of this. I put it to the side. I need napkin. Ah, see? American customer service, not bad. I have napkin. Thank you, McDonald's. This is not sponsored. Давай. A little bit of vodka to cleanse my palate. Ah, okay. Нормально. Ah, I wish I had закуски. You know what? I will have pickle from burger. Вот так. Take shot, pickle for закуска. Ah. Хорошо. Okay, what is next? Um, oh, yes. Twinkies. This is apparently staple in American diet. Let's try this. Oh, everything is falling. Ketchup, sorry. Давай, давай, давай, давай. Okay, Twinkies. If I was bully, I would call my victims Twinkies because it sounds demoralizing. Эй, ты, Twinkie, come here. I will beat you up, you know? Sounds like a homophobic slur, you Twinkie. By the way, inclusion, diversity, blah, blah, blah. Everything is good. I love everyone as long as you are not debil. Okay, let's try this Twinkie. Put the box away. Looks like a sausage. Feels like a sponge. Smells like vanilla. Smells okay. Smells very good. I like the aroma. Very soft. This is a steam of American food. Ah, let's try this. Mmm. There, blyat. There is white cream inside. I'm trying not to make too many gay jokes with this food, but it's sausage. It is thick sausage with white cream inside. You are basically eating Spaniard. Tastes good. Looks gay. Makes sense why it is popular in America, but in my country, if you eat something like this on the street, they put you in jail. I do not approve this, but this is a fact, okay? You know what? We're rating the taste. I like the way it tastes. Can't be healthy for you. If you eat one of these a day, you have 10 years to live maximum, but, eh, 7 out of 10, okay? Next, what we have. Ah, candy. Nerds. This is what I call stupid Americans. So, I guess the name is appropriate. Gummy clusters. It's candy snack. Let's see how it tastes. High in sugars. Look. Warning sign on the label that it is high in sugars. Even your government is trying to tell you, high in sugars. If you eat this, you will get diabetes and die, but you don't listen. Excuse me. See, all of this American food is making me sick. You value short-term dopamine mouth pleasure over long-term health. This is why you are fat and stupid, okay? So, I will try a few. It's little like rainbow balls with sprinkles and jelly inside. Tastes good. Candy is candy. Very sweet. Боже мой. Nerds is good. How can you not like candy? Candy is universal. It's not surprising to me, but Americans just have a lot of candy, and they eat it all the time. For me, back home is more like special occasion. You have candy. You know, you celebrate. You have some vodka. You eat the candy. Good job. I did good today. Candy is good for the soul, bad for your health. So, don't eat it so much, but this is good. Nerds, very delicious. 8 out of 10. Candy is candy. What can I say? Moving on. What should we try next? Yes, I have another food that is, I mean, not necessarily American, because we also have it back in my village, and I think most places, but it is normally associated with American baseball. You know, you go to the baseball park, and you have hot dog. And this looks like American brand, I think, Schneider's, no? I don't know, but it is very popular here. So, I will try it on these hot dog buns. And honestly, this is like burger bread. It's too soft. This is not real bread. I don't know. If I leave it outside, I feel like it will never go bad. Food is supposed to go bad. I understand this capitalism. It's good to keep the food preserved while you transport it, but come on, at what cost? Your people are eating this ----. Okay, let's make ourselves little American hot dog. Wonder bread hot dog bun. I know you Americans like your sausage-shaped foods, okay? By the way, I am big fan of sosiski. If you put meat in a tube, Slavic people, we love this. Sosiski every day for life, okay? But I am not sure this counts as sosiska. Let's see for very quickly. Oh, fuh, blyat. What is this debilism? This does not count as sausage. By the way, sosiska means sausage. But this is not it, okay? I don't know what this is. Fuh, oooh. Once again, looks like penya. I don't know what your obsession is with all these kinds of foods. Try it anyway. Sosiska in bun. And of course, you have to add the ketchup because this is what Americans do. I will put some ketchup here, okay. Oh my god, squirt too fast. I am not doing myself any favors here. Let's try it. Leave it to the Americans to mess up the most simple food, sausage. You put meat in a tube, I am a fan. How can you mess this up? It's delicious. Everybody loves sausages. But this, it does not qualify as a sausage. Sausage is simple, efficient piece of Soviet engineering. It's like lada. Put meat in the tube and you eat. Pause. Leave it to debile Americans to mess up the most simple food known to man. I don't know what you call this. This is not sausage for sure. This is ibilism in penis-shaped form. Of course, the bread is too soft because it is made by Americans and the ketchup is just too much. You can't put it on everything, okay. Again, maybe this with some pickles and mayonnaise would be better. My body is rejecting it automatically. Hot dog is good simple food in most places in the world. But here in America with these fake sausages, it just is fake. It's not real. It's like you're a woman. It's fake, plastic, made up, okay. Yeah, 3 out of 10, okay. I don't know how much more of this I can do. I have another New York. Okay, looks like we only have one more food. It's pop-tarts. Apparently, Americans eat this for breakfast instead of eggs. It looks like processed bread with sugar coating, so I am not surprised. Diabetes in weird silver plastic wrapping. Pop-tarts pastries. You call this pastry? Okay, sure. Yeah, look at this. It's served in cardboard box and wrapped in plastic. Very American of you. Capitalism, you know. Put everything in plastic and it will be okay. Oh my God. Bozhe. Bad for your health, bad for the environment, but it is convenient and we make money off of it. So who cares, right? Let's try this. I don't want to make a mess. This is my plate of sausage-shaped items that I do not like to eat. Okay. I cannot swallow this because I'm afraid what it will do to my body. It tastes like cardboard. I am not joking right now. Shto za huynya? 0 out of 10. No questions asked. This should be illegal. In every country. Against the Geneva Convention. If you give this to a starving dog, it will not eat it. And you Americans feed this to your children? Vobshe. Number one debilism I have ever seen. Let me see the nutritional value. Pure two pastries. 307 calories. 31 grams of sugar. That is so much. So it tastes like cardboard, but has less nutritional value. If you eat the cardboard, it will be better for your health. Literally. Just ahuyec. I don't know what to say. Zero. Negative 100 out of 10. Okay? I... It's horrible. I am done. That's it. I'm going to finish this bottle of vodka to forget everything I ate today and to disinfect my stomach. Oh, blyat. Oh, give me pickles, akuska, right now. Okay. It's covered in ketchup. Okay. Well, that was me trying to eat American food. Hopefully, I survive long enough to make another video. Most of the American food I had today tastes like a science experiment and looks like sausage penis thing. I always say Americans are emotional debil. You know, instead of fixing their problems, they choose to deep fry them or go to therapy. This will not fix your problem. You must attack it head on. But you want to eat away your sadness with this American garbage and candy. And you think this will help. No. Don't be debil. Be a man. Fix it yourself. Oh, my God. My body is literally rejecting the food. They say you are what you eat. And this makes sense to me now because, yes, Americans are like a bunch of fat Twinkies. Looks good on the outside, but on the inside is soft and creamy and gay. Not that there is anything wrong with it. That's it for today. Let me know in the comments what foods you want me to try next, whether they are American, Canadian. Please let them be Slavic. And as always, always remember, don't be debil.