30 Cozy Minutes of 'The Big Bang Theory'

I don't think I've eaten that much in my entire life. That's why my people wandered the desert for 40 years. Took that long to walk it off. You see, Penny, the Israelites were in the desert... Shut up! I'm so glad you two are done fighting. Right now, I'm just trying to burp without throwing up. Hang on. Physics Today mentioned the paper. What'd they say? Who cares? Did they mention Leonard? They did. Yay! We found more gems! Yay! Never have I ever kept a secret bank account because I think my wife can't handle money. Okay, you have every right to be mad, and what you said is true. You do make more money than me, so I had no right to do what I did, and I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. How long have you had this secret account? A couple years, but I just put a few bucks aside every month for emergencies. Well, how much you got in there? $6,427. $47 once my Nana's birthday check gets here. Leonard, do you know what I could do with that kind of money? I do, and that's why I hate it. What good is it if you don't use it? You have shoes you love but never wear. I have money I love but never spend. We're kind of a cute couple that way. Good morning, handsome. Morning, Mom. It's me. Yes, it is, and you're so pretty in the morning. Your mom and I made you breakfast. Oh, wow. So you guys are getting along? I guess. We're very different people, Howard, so communication's a little tricky. Does he like the pancakes? He didn't try them yet! Is there any butter? Butter flavored syrup. So, what's the word? He wants butter! I need syrup! I just told him that! I don't need any butter. If you want butter, I'll get you butter. Well, I guess I'll cut these by myself. Glenner, check it out. I bought an Engage locomotive, half the size of HO. Look, fits in my mouth. Sounds like you had a great night. I did. How was yours? Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would. What exactly do you mean by that? Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear. Ow! Why'd you do that? To send a message. She is not for you. What? Not for you! Here's a little snack. You sure you don't want your spy to do it? What are you talking about? You really don't trust me you'd have Amy stop by? I trust you. Yeah, you were a terrible waitress, and we still asked you to get us a snack. Excuse me while I go take care of your baby, then I'll bring you your snack, and you can insult me some more. I don't know about you, but I am not eating whatever she brings us. Hey, Penny here. Shh. Let's get you changed. Your mommy and daddy say they trust me, but they're full of the same stuff your diaper is. I feel bad. Well, she never really liked me. It's kind of nice she hates you now, too. But I'm here for you, and I would never let anything happen to you because your auntie Penny loves you so much. Mama. Is that her first word? Mama. No, no, baby. I'm not your mama. Your mama's a nice lady. We're gonna go see her right now so I can rub this in her face. Do you hear that, sucker? She called me mama. Spending time with Michael and Hallie today really made me think about our future children. Huh. What an interesting and completely unforeseen development. What are you thinking? Well, I just can't decide. Either five sets of triplets or three sets of quintuplets. You know what? It doesn't matter as long as they're healthy. And divisible by three. That's a lot of babies, Sheldon. Oh, only for humans. For frogs, it's just a drop in the bucket. Well, sorry I'm not a frog. Oh, don't feel bad, Amy. You're good enough for me. Wow, you really are a genius. Not really. I googled how to do that. So, listen. Have you ever made a pact with someone? You mean like a pinky swear? Okay, fine, like a pinky swear. Well, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie. You know, from Sesame Street? Yeah, I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie. Then we found out we both wanted Ernie. We didn't speak again until middle school. Over puppets? The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard. Okay. Speaking of what the heart wants, a long time ago, I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you. Okay. I don't know where you're going with this, but tread carefully because it may be the last conversation we ever have. No, no. Nothing like that. The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend, we'd have her fix the other one up with one of her friends. And you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex? Well, sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up before sex. During, I was trying to remember what I read on Google, so... Wolowitz up with one of my friends. Come on, it doesn't have to be a good friend. And you know that deep down inside, that Howard's a really nice guy? The problem isn't what's on the inside. The creepy candy coating. Will you at least think about it? Just as a favor to me. The great thing about Ernie was he never asked me for anything. He just gave. We're eating, that's a good sign. You're going to have to wait one hour until you can go swimming again. He's pretty cute. He is. Should we name him? It is Valentine's Day. How about Valentino? Nice. Classic rabbit name. Peter Rabbit. Roger Rabbit. Valentino Wolowitz Rabbit. Look at all that chest hair. And overbite. Of course you're a Wolowitz. Son of a bitch, he bit me. Are you okay? No, I'm not okay. Wild rabbits can have rabies. Why'd you put your finger near its mouth? Poor judgment, obviously. He's so little, I'm sure it's fine. How can it be fine? I just got attacked by a clearly anti-Semitic wild animal. It says rabies in rabbits is highly unlikely. Terrific. It's not terrific. Lots of highly unlikely things happen. You saw what's under this robe and you still married me. If you're really worried, we'll take him to the vet and have him tested. Good, thank you. Okay, there is a test. All they have to do is cut off his head and check his brain. Cut off his head? That's where his little nose is. He's not showing any symptoms. I guess I'll just go to the emergency room to be safe. Howie, this is just your hypochondria. When I sat on the mute button and thought I'd gone deaf, that was my hypochondria. Uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean. Never have I ever honked if I liked anything. Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught, or touched a Frisbee. Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first. Oh, never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator. Well, we all have a past. I don't know if you have any plans next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we'd have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time. Wait, we're gonna get married again? Yeah, kind of. And now we can invite our friends and family. Seems like a lot of trouble for a hug. Come on, it'll be fun. And you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn't invite her to the first one. Well, in our defense, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. And also, we don't like her. Leonard, come on, she's your mom. If we can do something to make her happy, why wouldn't we? I just said why. We don't like her. Okay, look, forget about her. Let's do it for us. We keep it small and informal. This time we can invite our families. Is your brother out of prison? Thanks to overcrowding, yeah. I'd love it if my dad could come. Oh, you have to invite him. I haven't seen him since the divorce. He's, like, a different man. He stopped twitching, and I think he grew an inch and a half. Well, then it's settled. Yay. So funny. I never thought my second marriage would be to you. What if she's correct? Doesn't that say something troubling about us? I don't know. I just think you're the kind of person who likes a contingency plan. That is true. Did you know I figured out in which order I would eat all my friends in the event of an apocalypse? You need to stop hanging out with your brain so much. It's not a good influence. Penny would be the entree. Then Leonard's basically a cheese course. Because I love you. You're dessert. I want to say aww, but I'm gonna say ew. Shit, it's still my room. You haven't really made it yours. Thank you. Which is why I got you this pink Power Ranger. Put it anywhere you like. Okay, but you may feel some discomfort. I'm kidding. I want you to feel at home here. Decorate it any way that makes you happy. You really mean that? I do. Great. And just so you know, I'm not getting rid of all your stuff. Yeah? What are you keeping? That candle and you. What about my robot poster? I can make do with just the candle. Howard! It's just me! What are you doing here? I texted you, but you didn't respond. Leonard and Penny were... Get off my watch! Fine, it's just Raj. You can hit him with the bat, but it's fine. What if my heart stops? Just let me go. I'm sorry, guys. Sheldon was upset. Leonard and Penny were fighting. I just wanted to go someplace where I wasn't causing problems. I'll say it again. India. Can I just stay in the garage? Don't do that. We'll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning. Thank you. Come on. I'll get you some sheets. I'll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine. I never should have had all these kids so close together. Wine and bubble wrap. And to not having to watch Sheldon demonstrate his reverse osmosis machine that converts urine into drinking water. You know, in Girl Scouts, Tammy Denise just said you could do that with pantyhose. Well, is she wrong? Anyway, you want to make out? I thought because our relationship's in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow. Okay. Do you want to make out slow? I can go so slow, it'll be like there's a snail in your mouth. Well, lucky for you, there's nothing else to do right now. I've been seeing Penny behind your back. Okay. When you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean? We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny? I told you she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs. Then why did you have Chinese food with us? I didn't want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money. Is it possible he said bros before hoes? Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hoes. Good morning. You didn't have to cook me breakfast. I wasn't sure how I did last night, and I wanted to finish strong. You don't need to worry. Last night was great. Well, you say that now, but wait until you taste this. Oh my God, this is amazing. Which is why I keep an omelette pan in the trunk of my car. Well, thank you. It's delicious. My husband never cooked for me. Oh, you were married? Yeah. Well, technically, I guess I still am. Is that technically like the paperwork hasn't gone through, or technically like he's in the closet watching us right now? No, no, no, we're separated. Do you mind if we talk about something else? Of course. You know, my secret to making great omelettes is that I beat the egg whites separately. Speaking of which, how long have you been separated? About two weeks. That is not a lot of weeks. In fact, that's the bare minimum to get to the plural, weeks. Doesn't matter. He moved out, I moved on. Good. Do you mind me asking what he does for a living? He's a firefighter. Interesting. Potentially jealous man who's handy with an axe. It's okay, though. He's almost had two weeks to cool down. You are? Oh, I told him I was at yoga. Well, you are stretching the truth. Oh, yeah? Where does Sheldon think you are? Oh, Sheldon's kind of like a dog. He doesn't really think about me when I'm gone, but he's so happy when I show up. Nice easy-bake quesadilla. Oh, me? Oh, hot. Thanks for letting me come over and hang. So Leonard still hasn't made a decision yet? No, and I've really been laying on the guilt that you break out the sad eyes. You mean these bad boys? What do we do? We just have to wait till they go back inside. Okay, okay. Can we very quietly open that second bottle of wine? Hey, don't freak out, but I think there's someone in your playhouse. Yeah, that's just Bernadette. She's been hiding out there all week. Really? Why? I don't know. She's been a little overwhelmed at work, and frankly, me and the kids are a lot. She just needs some down time. And you just pretend like you don't know her? Sure. That's how marriage works. Three years ago, I told her I got life insurance, and I totally didn't. Someday she's going to find out. I'm going to say, I know you've been hiding in the playhouse. Why don't you just get the life insurance? Whose side are you on? Can you hear what they're saying? Shh, I'm trying. Oh, sounds like Penny's in there too. Sheldon, what's wrong? I wanted to let you know I'll be spending your birthday with you. Okay. See, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream, dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and convinced me I should be with you. Obi-what? I'll let you get back to sleep now. Good night. Okay, good night. Uh, Sheldon? Were you actually not going to spend my birthday with me? It's late. Gotta go, boss. Listen, the papers we need to pull, why don't we split up? You take half, I take half. I don't know. It's pretty creepy down here. Maybe we should stay together. Raj, it's just a library. You could say that about anything. It's just a cemetery. It's just a haunted house. It's just a portal to hell. Fine. How about we split up, but we stay in constant communication with each other? Yeah. Thank you. Leonard? Still here. Okay. Leonard? Still here. Okay. Leonard? No! Oh, God! Too much dust. I'm sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me. And in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink. What's that little dot in the middle? That's reserved for thoughts I don't share with anyone. Interesting. You really have secrets you don't tell me? Of course. Can I hear one? No. They're private. Why? Are they naughty? A little. Please? Two years ago, I got my driver's license. What? Why didn't you say anything? I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important. So when I get up at 4 a.m. to drive you across the desert to an antique train museum, I didn't have to? No, you didn't. Keep in mind, I felt extremely important. Oh, dear God. Leonard! Leonard, I'm sick! I'm sick! Leonard? Leonard, my comforter fell down and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? Ow. Leonard, where are you? I'm at work. At 6.30 in the morning? Yes. On Sunday? Yes. Why? They asked me to come in. I didn't hear the phone ring. They texted me. Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2 a.m. and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. No kidding. Nope, not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. God, it's the phone! I know it's the phone, Ma. I hear the phone! Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour? I don't know! Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour! How can I ask them when I'm talking to you? Hello? It's Leonard, code milky green. Dear Lord, not milky green. Hey, buddy. Heard you're having a rough day, alright? I'm okay. How was the funeral? It was nice. A lot of people showed up. Told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur's son is a high school sen... Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You wanna go watch? I do. After I make them go back and watch 1 through 5 first. Sheldon, that'll take us all night. That's true. It's a good thing I had a nap. Friendship. Would you boozehounds please stop that infernal twinkie? And the answer was elephant. Oh, God. Oh, God! Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? Really? Still can't talk to me? What are you doing? Eating, reading, watching television, listening to the radio. What is all I am doing? Asparagus? I thought you hate asparagus. I thought so too. But I also thought super asymmetry was a good idea. So what else am I wrong about? Oh, so now you're reevaluating every opinion you've ever had? Yes. I am following the example of 17th century philosopher René Descartes. He subjected all his beliefs to radical doubt so that he could build a bedrock belief and build his cognitive life back up on firm principles. Oh, no yucky, no yucky. Sheldon, I know you're upset about the paper, okay? I'm upset too. I mean, I was so sure we were right. Every fiber of my being felt like this was it. This was the one. How can I trust my instincts anymore? Well, just because our theory was wrong that doesn't mean you're wrong about everything. Doesn't it? Then I've always thought I hated jazz. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's great to hear all the notes at once. I'm trying. I'm really trying. Bracing cold. Invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold. Uh, help you with your bag, sir? Thank you, fellow Bozite. May I say you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce. Wait! Excuse me! One ticket to Pasadena, California, please. Good, your power's out too. Why is that good? Because last month I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra. Power failure. Implementing power failure protocol. What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark emergency exit stuff you had painted on the floor? Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, too bad you're no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It's not for you. It's just a blackout. I'm sure the power will be back on soon. And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first. Yeah, I got some candles in my apartment. Candles during a blackout? Are you mad? That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick. You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let's go. Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source, which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle Battle. All yours, if you're willing to reinstate the roommate agreement. I've got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop. He'll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark? He's going to be bored out of his mind. Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 million years ago Expansion started, wait The earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool Neanderthals developed tools We built a wall We built the pyramids Math, science, history Unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang