I’m Just Not Wife Material_ Susan Rice

Honey, you get married when you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you. And you have all these dreams and aspirations and you have somebody to share all that with and then you grow old together and you blame them for the ---- you didn't get to do and that's growing old, that's marriage. I said, you know what, 70, I am not bringing much to the table. Maybe the smell of CBD oil and Altoids, that's pretty much it. You know, they try so hard though, they do try hard. My birthday last year, they got me a gift card for a tattoo. You know I'm coming to you. Now you have beautiful tattoos on your arms and wherever I can see. And that's your generation, I understand that. Did you design those? You came up with a design, you found something that could match your concept. This gift card's for a hundred bucks. So they're cheap bitches on top of that. They're driving me crazy. I haven't had, they want me to give it back to them, I'm going to give it to the guy living down at the end of my block. Honest to God, I'm not going to give back to him. What are you going to have done, what are you going to have done? Well I don't know what I'm going to have done, maybe I'll have my upper lip put back on my ******* face. But it's gone. It came off with a mask. And then I became an Amish man, I've never had so much facial hair in my whole life. That is not easy to pluck either, you can pluck it all you want, but honest to God it hurts doesn't it? Hurts like a son of a, you get older it just doesn't cut, and it's long, it made me question my pronouns. But after I'm tugging on that, the pluck happened, I have needle nose pliers, I stopped tugging, I just realized every time I tugged really hard my left breast would go up to an apple. So I just started tying them off, I just, so anyway. They want me to have, I don't want it, see, I don't want symbols, this skin's not coming back honey, this is, I've lost a lot of weight and there's not a spank in the world that's going to hold this ---- up, do you understand what I mean? So I'm just, you know, and I don't want pictures and I don't, I told my niece just to make her crazy, my youngest, I get a, help me with this, tramp, tramp stamp, that's it, see that's the perfect place for an older person to put their tattoos, back here, you put your, you know, your social security number's back there, you put your blood type, in case of emergency phone number, you can put your allergies down your butt cheeks. This is, no, it's a, there's a good chance when I wander away from the home I'm not going to be naked. My sweet Irish niece calls me up, she goes, I know what you should have done, you have to have the Irish prayer tattooed on your body, I said, no words, there's no words going on this body, are you kidding me, someday somebody's going to be putting me on a bed pin and I don't want that conversation to start with, hey, what's your tattoo say, it says faster, I get away with a lot of stuff, I do, you know, and I, you have, I'm looking at my friends up here with the silver hair, you have beautiful hair, did you guys go, you go in gray fairly early in your life or no, see I went, I started going gray when I was 18, oh yeah, seriously gray, my mom and dad were both salt and peppered by the time they were 25 and they were almost white by the time they were 30, so it was hereditary, and back in the 60s gas was 23 cents but you'd dye your hair at the hairdresser, it was 25, that was a lot of money, and then it was $35, then it was $45, then it was $55, then you're doing blowjobs for rick jobs, and I got bad knees, so it wasn't paying off, so, and finally, and you know, when I, when I first do a stand-up, everybody goes, you gotta dye your hair, you're in the show business, I don't care, I can't, I get away with so much, we get away with ----, we do, we, I have, I have guys running across the parking lot to open the door for me, and if they're not running, I'm going, hey, it's amazing, it's amazing, but you know, and I forget, I forget, I forget I'm gray, okay, this happened at the grocery store, I hate the grocery store, by the way, I used to love it, I don't like it anymore, it, no, you know, what we got through, the one thing you don't see at the grocery store anymore, since COVID is, you don't see that little cart that looks like a little car, that you put the little ADD people in, and then you just drag them by ---- they can't have, until they work themselves into such a frenzy, prior to COVID, if I was in the aisle with those kids, and they're having a meltdown, I was the next target, always, oh, you're a fatty, you're a fatty, you're a fatty, you're a fatty, oh, slow your roll, tiger, come on now, that's not nice, don't say that, no, no, there's no Santa, yeah, no, we're both living with disappointment, aren't we, when they had all those kids, those little 14 year old kids that they would hire, you know, to go get the carts that I put behind your SUVs, they over hire them at my store every year, and they, and then they said, oh, look busy, you got to look busy, so they would wait for older people to start walking into the store, so they could just ambush us, you know, you're going into the store, and they're, hi, how are you, fine, everything, oh my God, I'm fine, leave me, leave me alone, I've done this before, and you get to the end of the aisle, and there they are again, hi, are you fine and everything, we just had this, we had, I just talked, you need ---- to do, don't you, okay, well, I need an early pregnancy test, and I need it now, I'm throwing a plan B, I don't miss that, honest to God though, I was in the grocery store the other day, I'm going to tell you this story first, because I was making, I wasn't making fun of your beautiful tattoo, no, because here, I want you to, I want you guys to know something, I was a kid in the 50s, I was a teenager in the 60s, I saw the Beatles, okay, so I'm telling you, when I was, I made a pact with myself that I was never going to be that older woman that just, you know, just downgraded a whole population of young people for something that they wanted to do to themselves, or whatever kind of trends they were in, I didn't want to be that person, I didn't want to be, I try not to be, but in the last, I'm going to say the last eight years, I'm fascinated by something, and I don't know if anybody else is either, I am fascinated by hockey pucks embedded in the earlobes, I'm just fascinated, I can't, I just, I get up on them, it's embarrassing, and if they're sitting, if they're in the line in the grocery store with me, and they don't have those, whatever those things are, I just want to put my fingers in there, do those whistle in the wind, you know, I just want to know.