My Mother-In-Law Changed Her Laugh _ Standup Comedy _ Matt Wayne

I love being a comedian. Some comedians, they hate it. I love being a comedian. It's awesome. It's great. Until I'm around strangers, like you're at a wedding, you know, you're sitting at a table, you get stuck with some goofs, and someone's like, what do you do for a living? And I'm like, ah, ----. Because there's going to just be a lot of questions. So I got to shut it down right away. Good news is, is as you can tell, I am not famous. Great stuff. I can say whatever I want. So I just tell people I'm a garbage man. No instant fascination whatsoever. No one's ever like, get the hell out of here, I didn't get that vibe from you, come on. Dude, what age did you know that you were into trash? Who's your favorite garbage man? All right, all right, I'll ask him, I'll ask him, I'll ask him. Hey, will you throw this out for us? A real garbage man would. You guys are all right. I'll be 44 next month. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I'm old. And it's cool. I don't mind. I bring it up because for the very first time in my Instagram feed, this has never happened, I promise you. I just got my first ad for boner pills. Yeah, thank you, yeah. And you know how that goes when you get a new ad in your Instagram feed, your first thought is like, what is my phone hearing? It thinks I need this. I don't need this. But here's the good news. You can look on Instagram, there's the little three dots, you can click on that to see why you're seeing it. So I did that and it said, you're seeing this ad because you interacted with some baseball content. Whoops. My mistake. You know, it makes sense. You think like Instagram is like, whoa, this guy liked a post about the brief abduction of Cal Ripken Jr.'s mother. His horn does not blow. We're going to get him something. Yeah, Cal Ripken, blast. Glad you guys got that. But I'm married and my wife, she's cool with my penis. She likes it. And that's really all that matters. Anyone else married? You don't seem married. All right. Yeah. Marriage is great, right? It's cool. Okay. Yeah, I know. I love being married. I was like so excited to get married. I was a little scared. It is scary. It's very scary. And then as a guy, it's scary because all the idiot guys around you try and make you more scared. Like I got engaged 11 years ago and I was working at this restaurant and this coworker came up to me and he was like, I heard you got engaged. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, what are you doing? I don't know. I guess I'm marrying the love of my life. What's wrong with that? And he was just like, nah, man, I can never do that. Same hole forever. Yeah, disgusting. This guy was being a real disgusting, just flat soda. If you ask me, you know, don't be a creepy flat soda. He was like, same. I couldn't do it. Same hole. So then I wanted to turn the tables on. I wanted to own it. So I had to like, I was like, got excited about it. I was like, you know what? Yeah. Same hole. That's awesome. I like a nice familiar hole. They know me there. It's nice. When you walk in, you know, I can put posters up in this hole. I don't want to go to a strange hole. Whose posters are these, you know? These posters suck. So get married. It's awesome. It's fun. I was mostly afraid of having a mother-in-law. That was my big, that was my big fear, having a mother-in-law. Hadn't had one before that. They're hard to find. You got to get married to get them. And she's fine. She's all right. I love my mother-in-law. She's cool. She gets on my nerves from time to time though. Recently she had a party. She lives here in New York City where my wife and I live. And we got the invite. We got to go to the party. Thank God. But you ever been to a party where like there's no reason for the party. There was like no birthday. There was no holiday. There was no event. I'm like, there's no, there wasn't a fight on TV. What are we doing here? And then I realized that my mother-in-law just needed people around so she could test out her new laugh. Yeah. She changed laughs at age 73. A move none of us saw coming. And you don't even have to know her old laugh to know this new laugh sucks. I hate this new laugh. It's horrible. We were in the kitchen and I was killing. I was, trust me. And I was waiting to get hit with that familiar mother-in-law laugh that I know so well. I've learned to love it over the years. And then her new laugh came out. And this is how she laughs now. This is how she laughs. She goes like this. She goes. Yeah. Like a little rodent popping out of a hole. She puts her shoulders up. It makes me sick to my side. It's gross. I've never described a laugh as gross. It is the grossest laugh. Because if someone has, like, a new shirt, you could be fake. You go, oh, cool. That's cool. New laugh, you're like, what the **** is this? You're going to do that all the time? Yeah. Then I realized, guess what? Anyone, all of us, can change our laughs. You've got to fight power with power. So I'm going to change my laugh, but only for her. Okay, next time she makes me laugh, I'm just going to be like. Hey, hey. Hit her with a Krusty, you know? See how that goes. Throw a pie in her face. Hit her with a seltzer bottle. Take that, you yutz. That was an all right Krusty. ****. Thank you. This is one of those things where I'm like, either I got the light and I haven't seen it. Or I am flying. And I don't know what it is. It's this rug. I feel comfortable on this rug. So yeah, my wife and I, yeah, we like her mom. It's cool. And she likes the Krusty laugh. We don't have kids. We've been married for 10 years. No kids. We're not doing it. Yeah, it's okay. I don't want any credit for that. That's what everyone does now. But there is a lot of peer pressure. When you are married and in your 40s, other couples who are married, they want you to have the kid. They're like, come on, do it. And your whole life, your whole life is peer pressure. Your whole life. It starts when you're young. You're young. You're like 13. People are like, have a cigarette. You look cool. And then you get a little older, like, have a drink. You look cool. And then it's like, at some point, it's like, have a kid. Nothing about being cool. Just do it. And those are fun. But now the latest peer pressure that I get is people tell me, they're like, dude, you've got to get a bidet. Get a bidet. You guys bidet people? Wow. Yeah. Get crazy. You get sexy for that bidet. Woo. Ah, yeah. Splash that on my ass. I don't have a bidet. I'm not anti-bidet. I just, I never even made it to wet wipes, you know. There was an incident 15 years ago, and I never recovered. 15 years ago, before I moved here, I moved to stay with a buddy to see if I liked it here. You know how it is. You're young. You stay with a friend. He's like, you're staying on the futon. Bathroom's down the hall. He's like, I got wet wipes. I was like, I don't use those. He's like, you will. Yeah, it was like a fun ass challenge. I was like, okay. And then we're hanging out for like three days, and I haven't used them at all. And he's been using them. And we're at a bar one night. I noticed my buddy has just really, like, got his hand on the back of his pants. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Just publicly itching his asshole, which we all would love to be doing. That's living. Just get down there and see what's there. But I was like, you know, I'm a good friend. So I walk up to him. I'm like, dude, are you okay? And he was like, there's something going on with my ass. I'm like, no, the whole bar knows. That's why I'm asking. You're on closed circuit television with your hand down the back of your pants. So I'm like, tell me about it. He's like, well, it's kind of raw, and it's itchy. I'm like, don't tell me anymore. And then I'm back at his place. I got one last dump to take before my flight. And I'm sitting on the toilet. And there I look over. Oh, my God. There they are, the wet wipes. This is my time. So I pick these things up. I go, oh, my God. He's been using Lysol wipes. Oh, I know. Oh, my dog. That is bad for the anus. Yeah, he's treating his human hole like a kitchen counter. It's no good. But I solved the mystery also. So I came out of that bathroom like a trial attorney. I was like, I believe we've obtained the murder weapon. Hey, you guys have been so much fun. Thank you so much. I'm Matt Wayne.