Diane Spencer LIVE SET at Up the Creek!

The little things are important, like here's something that I've learned. Just keep your relationship in a good place. Always blow your nose before you suck his cock. Really ******* serious advice there, guys. It was our anniversary and I thought, well, it's been 10 years, I should give it a go. Forgot to blow me nose, didn't I, yeah? Went straight down there thinking I knew it all, created some kind of vacuum seal with my own head and his bellend, tried to breathe in, like that. You can't start a blowjob sounding like a ******* donkey. I was like, I literally had to unhook it. There was like a pop sound as I pulled out his bellend. I was like, but this is the good thing about a relationship. You could go, stop, stop, stop. Now we will continue, right? I did the second wrong thing of the night. I did the face before I went down. I went like this. And he went, what the **** is that? And I was like, oh ----. Now some people do not know what that was. There are some dudes in here going, what the **** was that? When you watch the pornographer and the pornography people, they manage to give a blowjob whilst keeping their lips out of their mouth. I don't know how they do it. Well done them. But when you actually care about the person that you're sucking off, gentlemen, we have news for you. We like to protect you from our teeth. So anybody in their right mind is sucking dick whilst doing an impression of their grandma. We're literally like, oh hi. I must admit dinner was super. So I was trying my best, right? Anniversary, trying your best. But I have to dribble everywhere, right? I'm sorry. I'm over 40. I dribble everywhere. That's how I do it. I know that the modern ladies, they can do the hawk tour. Isn't TikTok wondrous? We learn so much. Now I personally, I can't spit. Can I tell you why? My aim is atrocious. Am I the fact that I'm wrapping my lips around my teeth to protect him? Because good grief, look at the size of my teeth. If his lips come back, I will grate his dick like a carrot. I've got two very sharp front teeth. I'm going to end up with a mouthful of cock bacon. You try spitting accurately when your lips are inside your mouth. You can't bloody do it. I saw it went phoo and it missed him completely, hit the wall. I spent most of the experience watching this globlet just run down the wall. I'm thinking, ****, I hope that doesn't ruin the paintwork. I haven't got the pot. So while I was down there, I did what everybody does, you know. I was keeping my rhythm. Any other lady? Oh, I realise that some people are going, this is very sexual, isn't it? Yes, well, I'm ever so sorry, but I spend a lot of time in comedy clubs listening to men tell me how women do sex. Thank you for telling me, sir. Now I would like to tell you how it actually happens from a lady's perspective. So if you don't mind, I'll, yeah. Can I tell you something briefly as well? You get a lot of critique. Like some men, they go, oh, female comedians talking about sex. And I go, yes, that's because 90% of the time, my husband is trying to penetrate me. So if 90% of my lived experience is having somebody trying to have sex with me, of course, I'm going to talk about it. Like I'll be doing something mundane and he'll be going, oh, loads of work. And I'll be going, I am loading the dishwasher. And he's like, yeah, it's because you're ******* filthy, aren't you? You're ******* filthy. You need to be cleaned out, you ******* filthy. And I'll be going, babe, we have just had dinner. And he'll go, you want some pudding? You want some ******* pudding? So I will briefly continue this story and then I'll **** off. So I need to tell you what happened. I made so many mistakes on this one blowjob, right? So I've got my tune going to keep my rhythm. I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a little tune. And I go, when I been forgotten, I do. I've been forgotten, I do. When I been forgotten, I do. It's a good tune, but never hum, never hum. Like don't let the sound come out, they can hear it. And it's a little bit of noise, like a little bit of noise is good, but never go full feral. Like my husband likes that. Likes. It suggests, oh, I'm full. Never go full feral, where you sound like next door's cat. Like. This is the point I wanted to make, right? I have a point. I realize that some men are watching this going, what the **** is this, madam? You said this was a blowjob. What is this? I'll tell you what the **** this is. Every woman in the room knows what this is. It is two things. One, it's to save our progress. Where we need to pull to the side. We don't want to lose momentum because our face is about to fall apart. We need to do yoga on our jawbone. So we have to. One, it's to save our progress. And two, yes, we all know why this is here, don't we? Every woman in her right mind knows why the hand is there. It's because he starts off nice, doesn't he? Oh, yes, he does. Oh, no, I'll just let her do her thing. Starts off serving. Oh, no, you just, yeah, I am just going to lie here like a serving platter. Yeah, yeah. ------- stable like that. We wouldn't need this. Because halfway through, it's. That's my skull! Stop it! It's the ******* break! No, finally. Do you know what the worst part is? Finally? Like, we were at that point where I was like, why isn't it happening? Why isn't it happening? And it's because he was thinking, I don't know if it's just blowjob, or maybe it's blowjob leading to anal. Like, he's like, and I'm like, I'm like, why isn't it happening? And he's there, like, tuning me out, going, And you want to say to him, take the shot! Take the shot! But you can't, because he's not romantic. So I reached up and I tweaked his nipple and he deployed. And I was like, **** yes! And then I swallowed it quickly, like anybody in their right mind. Because if you don't, I'm so paranoid I'm going to feel them wriggling. I've got a YouTube channel and I'm available for children's parties. My name is Diane Spencer, thank you.