Mumbai Madness _ Part 1 _ Max Amini _ Standup Comedy

I like that guy. Big dude, huh? He's a big dude. 6'3"? He blocked half of the theater. You should pay everybody's ticket back behind you. 6'3"? You're the biggest Indian in the history of India. Wow. Buddy, what's your name? He's like, no, no, no. I have temper issues. I'll kill you. What's your name? Weed? I love it when I say it. Meat. His name is Meat. I hope you're not beef. It's okay. I tried. And you're a big dude. You guys know this guy? Nobody cares about his name anymore. We're moving on. Weed! Is there a revolution happening? Oh, screen. Fix the screen. Thank you. I had no idea. I thought, and then this guy gets up and goes, sit your ass down. We're not talking to you. Did you see that? Swear. I realize you guys don't know what you guys say either. I thought it's me I don't understand. He doesn't even understand. He thought they're saying, you're the man. Bro, they're saying, fix the screen. Okay, this is India. The screen is never going to get fixed. All right. I love it. You guys chant, ---- gets fixed. Now I'm learning how India works. You're married? Where is she? Why didn't you bring your wife? She's at home taking care of my daughter. You have only one daughter? What a loser. Just one? I have a son as well. You have a son as well? You forgot about the son. That's what I'm saying. Fathers in India, they don't know what the hell has happened. He gets home, there's two more kids. Where did they come from? The wife is, I've been raising them the whole time. You don't know, you just come in. Hello, how are you? You go. I am working so hard in the house. How old were you when you got married? He doesn't even, he's like, I don't know. 12 years old, 13. 20? 29 you got married? Shit, okay. Look at that big guy. He's 45 years old, still single. He's so big, nobody wants to marry him. He was 22 when he got married. You know that guy? Everybody has a turbine, it's like a WiFi connection. You see, it's connected. You see that? I know. He got married, 22. He got divorced, 23. He's been jerking off since. He's big. Dick is smart. What? How do you know? It says it here on the app. I swear to God, it says it's only 9 inches. I love you dude. So you guys know each other, huh? He's my sponsor for the show. No way! You gifted him the ticket and he's talking ---- about your dick? This guy. You're the one talking ---- about his dick. I love your sensitive ass. He goes, you're talking about dick, I don't talk about his dick. I never cared about his dick. I saw it one time, I was terrified. Since then, I never look at his dick. Why would I look? I know he's lying. He's never seen your dick, I know. You know how I know? Because you guys are Sikh. You guys, don't shave. Even if you're naked, I don't see nothing. The thing is, I haven't even seen my own dick. I've been looking for it for a week. Very confusing. Where is the dick? Too much masala chai or something? Yeah? What's your name? Carpet? My name is Rak. Nice to meet you. Why are you so tired? Long day? This is the time We did the whole thing for this. Look, your lady is happy. She's like, I'm happy. She's like, I don't give a f**k. I came for this as well. You're happy? Okay, I take a nap. You live in Mumbai? What do you do? Finance. That's great. Is it easy to do finance in India? No? Very difficult, yeah? Everyone's bargaining. That's why you're tired. You just talk all day. What kind of finance is it? Investments? You're very good at conversation. One word. Finance. Investment. Figure it out. No one told me it's going to be a Q&A. I thought you do the jokes, I do the listening. No, I got to do the talking and you do the listening? I will not invest in that show. Come on. This guy tired. The oldest couple in the audience, yeah? Yes? Nice to see you. Not you, your husband. You look fantastic. Your husband looks like he went to school with Jesus Christ. Look at him. And he has more energy than you, a**hole. He's tired because he's been counting money all day. This man is old but energetic and happy, yeah? How old are you? 162 years old. That's wonderful. And your wife looks beautiful and young. You did good in life, buddy. And what's your name? Moses. Nice. He is older than Jesus. Nice to see you. And what do you do in India? Insurance business? Well, you should be bankrupt. These people have insurance driving like that? Who's covering the... Change your job, go into finance. He came from where? He came from the UK. No, he didn't. He came for business and then he... You hold on. He just came from the UK just for my show? Oh, that's amazing. And what's your name? Rashida. Where did you travel from? Pune? Pune. How many people came from Pune? Oh, yeah? Pune people? Oh my God, Pune. I'm so happy you came. You came from Pune? How far is it? Four hours? You drove? So it was like four hours drive and then four hours in Mumbai. Eight hours total. Poor guy. Pune. This sounds boring city. But it's like, if I moved to India I would never... Where do you live? Pune. I never want to live in a city that starts with the word poo. What a shitty city. Pune. But I appreciate you driving the ---- out of there. I'm sure it's nice. I'm sure it has bathrooms. You came from China? Hold on! Somebody said China. China. This is not a competition. The award for the farthest audience member goes to ---- town, Pune. I'm gonna shine up my ass. This guy came from London. This guy came... Pakistan? If I were you, I would say nothing. One thing I learned. If I were you, I would say nothing. After the show, sneak out. Security, look out for that guy. He got excited. Pakistan? Oh ----. Don't get too excited. Move to UK. He's a rich Indian guy, huh? He lives in the UK. He comes to here. He buys buildings. He goes back. Very good. I like. And what do you do? You go to school there? No? You have a business there? Okay. What's your business there? Medical... Tooth? He went to ******* UK. He still can't speak English. Bro, move to Pune or put a business there?