NEVER Follow Random White Women _ Mike Paramore _ Stand Up Comedy

Just so everybody knows where my head is at this evening, I accidentally bought some cherry chapstick and used it. I'll be honest, I've been feeling kind of sexy all day. That's my ----. I love what it does to my body. I am on the fifth week of a six-week road trip and I found out a lot about myself on this road trip. I'm not happy about everything I found out about me. One of the things I found out is that my brain doesn't process information the same as everybody else. I was in a tropical environment four weeks ago and it started to rain. And the way that I process information is, that's not a big deal. Ten minutes after it stops raining, you'll never know it rained at all. That's how hot it is in tropical environments. So it's not a big deal. I'm sitting on the beach. It starts to rain and I had to watch adult human beings get out of the ocean. Don't get ahead of me, sir. Get out of the ocean to run from the rain. And if you're not laughing at that, you might be dead inside. We don't need you. Go home, you're extra. Listen, you're not imagining people in soaking wet bathing suits, wet towels over their head, running from the rain. I'm on the beach crying, laughing. I couldn't breathe. I'm yelling at strangers. Sir, you are dressed for this occasion. Where are you going? You came out here to get wet because it's coming from the wrong direction? You don't want to be here no more? One lady brought an umbrella. An umbrella? That's premeditated, stupid bitch. You packed that. Here's why I'm mad. Listen, I'm mad because everyone starts to run. Okay. And I was raised in an environment where I was taught that if I am ever amongst a group of people who all start running in unison, I have to run. And if you heard somebody say that before I did, they are black. I'm mad. And I'm late to running because I didn't know we was running. I saw a young white lady like she knew where she was going. I panicked. I just followed her to safety. Hindsight, that's not a good idea. You are not allowed to follow random white women, especially in a panic. We are running for a lot longer than I'm comfortable with. She finally gets tired. I've been tired. I'm exhausted. I'm bent over. It's a little bit of snot coming out of my nose. I get a chance to ask her, I'm like, man, why are we running? She said, we are running because you chasing us. No, I'm not. I am following you. That is two different things. One is a misdemeanor. One is a felony, bitch. You are super loud for no reason. There is a restraining order out on me in the Bahamas. Not for the story I just told you. For the story I'm about to tell you. Another one of my Midwestern sensibilities that do not play well other places is that I am a helper. I'm going to try to be there for you. I don't have to be 100% sure that you actually need help. I'm going to jump in anyway because I consider myself a hero. I'm sitting on the beach, two beach chairs down from me was a much older dude, completely knocked out. A rest level I've never seen before in my life. Head cocked back, glasses crooked, book on his chest, mouth wide open. My first thought, he didn't make it. I jumped over two beach chairs trying to get to this dude, save his life, two, before I realized that I don't know CPR at all, but I'm too invested. You understand? A beach full of people watched me hurdle beach chairs. I can't turn back now. I'm going to look stupid. I got to do something. So I saw it in a movie. I ended up kind of just blowing air like into his mouth. I really, I wasn't close enough to make a seal. So I was just kind of blowing air like on his face. I thought that's how you did it because he got up immediately. I've never seen, he was super strong. I couldn't hold him down. I'm like, sir, sir, you're welcome. You didn't make it. I breathe life on your face. He called the police. There is a moral to that story. And the moral is, yes, you can be too old to take a nap outside. It's confusing to the rest of us. And somebody might breathe on your face. You know what I'm talking about, bro. Ain't no way, ain't no way you ain't never had nobody breathe on your face before. I also found out about me that I don't have the patience. This was confirmed. I always knew I didn't have patience. I lost a good woman because of my patience. We was on our way to bed one night. She rolled over to me. She always made up words and it pissed me off. She rolled over to me. She said, baby, in the morning, I want to start me a diet. I said, baby, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't need to start a diet. She says, I don't need it, but I want it. I said, okay, I'm going to support you. I'm going to be there for you. What you should do is you should weigh yourself right now, get you a base weight, starting point. So you can keep track of your weight loss, baby. Matter of fact, I'm going to work out with you. **** it. We're going to do it together. She says to me, I can't weigh myself right now because this is my night weight. Fellas, let me explain something to you. So you can hate your woman like I hate your woman. There are women out there that are under the impression that they weigh more when they go to bed. Who the **** said that? Who said that? Shut your ass up. That is not true, ladies. That is voodoo. Okay. That's witchcraft. If it happens to you, you're a goddamn sorcerer. Okay. I wish I would hear a woman tell me why I need to lose like five more pounds. Well, go take a nap. Go lay on the couch. I had one woman tell me she'd get up, she'd take a big ---- and weigh herself. I've never been so pissed off in my life. It's like, what are you talking about? It's late at night too. I'm looking at her like, are you only shitting once a day? Are you holding it in for weighing in the morning? It's late right now. So you're telling me you full of ---- right now. Hey y'all, I'm Mike Paramore. Y'all have a good night. I appreciate y'all. Thank y'all.