My Family Belongs in a Sitcom | Mike E. Winfield Stand-Up Comedy

Yeah, I was joking. I always joke about my beautiful wife, man. You know, a lot of people may not know, I have a stepson. He's 30. I call him step man. He dropped me off at the airport. That's my step homie. Step man cool. He been doing new stuff. Yeah, step man. He been going to gay clubs. Nightclubs and stuff. I'm like step man. You got something to tell me? He's like, yeah, they got the best drinks. I'm like anything else? He's like, yeah, I never have to pay. Hit me up next time. I got a 13 year old too. We call him real kid. Self-explanatory. He's a ball full of anger. I don't even like taking him to the store. He always wants you to purchase something for him. We can't go anywhere. We were in auto zone. What you mean? I can't get motor oil. It was embarrassing. I'm like just buy him a cord. I know what's wrong with him though. At school, he's on a laptop the entire day. Then he comes home from school, devices and video games the whole rest of the night. For 24 hours. He's staring into bright light. His brains are fried. I try to break it up when we're at home. I'm like real kid. Go check the mail. Our mailbox is far. So get some off. But this is I know that light them games is making him a zombie. He always comes out the room. He's like. I'm like, I don't know what this is. The keys are in the drawer. Last time he goes to the drawer forgets the keys. He grabs this long pair of scissors and runs off. And we don't even stop. I'm like, I mean, he's gonna figure it out. Right and here's the but I don't get with the adults us in the room. We know what our children are doing. We know their own games and devices all night. We could take the games away, right? Right. But I ain't trying to hang out with my kid all day. This was that man. We could go to the club. Free drinks. Here's what threw me off. Real kid comes back with the mail. I'm like, wait, wait, it's the mailman did wear the scissors. I wasn't trying to cover a murder. I just wanted the Sears bill. Yeah, Sears, my wife's older. That's unresolved death. There's an issue lying to your children. As long as you remember the lie. That's the least you can do. Real kid was like, dad. Can we go to Disney World again? I'm like, again, again. That was five years ago. That was the state fair. I don't need your judgment. You know how expensive that is? Flights, hotel, travel, that's over $3,000. The state fair only cost us $140. And we didn't spend that much because we had stepman meet us there in a Mickey Mouse costume. He was taking pictures for money. Had a whole line of kids. My only issue with stepman, he doesn't commit to anything. He didn't even have the full costume. He only had the head. You ever see Mickey on Casual Friday? The kids knew too. They were like, why he got on skinny jeans? Does he always wear Crocs? He didn't even change his voice. He's like, who want a picture? They're like, why are his hands black? I just saw weed fall out of Mickey's pocket. Some kid was like, that's Mickey Rat. I like older moms. That's my jam. I love it. I love that wear and tear, you know what I'm saying? I like when she wears readers. I'm like, oh, she blind too? Okay. I went to the grocery store. We stopped at the grocery store. I saw this older mom holding up the line doing something I ain't seen in decades. She was holding up the line, writing a check. Everyone else got off the line, but I stuck it out. I was standing so close. I could smell her perfume. It was expired. I think that's brilliant as humans when you can smell something and know it's from another decade. 83. What's that white diamond? That's Avon. That's the Sears catalog. That's what they had when I was a kid. It was a Sears catalog. You remember this? I know you do. It was a magazine. It had a page in it with perfume. We used to rip the page out and rub it on. So you could smell fresh. You just had to walk by someone fast enough. Just hoping they'd be like, what's that? Page 47. She had a checkbook and it was laminated. Stop the show. Shout out to all the cougars who got a craft room with a laminator in it. So she's writing a check, right? And she has to put her arm on the flap while she's writing the check. Yeah, the women with the checkbooks get that part. You got to hold the flap down. You know what I'm saying? You got to hold the flap down. Because you don't hold the flap down. It just goes. And I was standing behind her like, why? Is this turning me off? The cashier was like in his 20s. I don't think he knew what a checkbook was. I saw the whole conversation. She was like, you got a pen? He was like, for writing? Yeah. He started looking at me for help. I'm like, bro, I can't help you. I'm working on her. That's what I do online. I socialize. It makes the time pass. I'm like, ma'am, you know, if you need to hand out with your groceries, I can help you outside. She didn't let me help. She's cool though. She's like, ah, sweetie. It's okay. Look, I mean, I only have prunes. I was like, cashier, how much for the prunes? Put it on my bill. Because I'm a boss. That's a boss move. I was like, how much for the prunes? I got it. He was like $9. I'm like, never mind. Why are prunes $9? You know what I can do with $9? I can buy some Jordans from Ross. You never bought the Jordans from Ross? I did it. They were two different sizes. I was walking like... They weren't even Michael Jordans. They were Walter Jordans. You know in the emblem when Jordan is Duncan? Well, Walter wasn't known for that. Nor was he known for passing or shooting. So in the emblem of the shoe, he's setting the screen. So now everyone's staring at me strange because I declined a prune purchase. I don't know if you felt this type of pressure. I had to say something quick. I had nothing. I'm like, so ma'am, you still drive? I know, but when you see seniors in a grocery store, a lot of times they're in a big group. They're on like a field trip. And you can't pull one off to the side because now she's missing. When they get back on the van shuttle, you know that shuttle parked in the front? When there's a seat missing, people panic. Where's Gladys? It's always one person we don't know. She left with some guy who looks like a microphone.