"My Wife's Friends Told Her I'm Financially Controlling"

brought to you by the Every Dollar app. Start budgeting for free today. >> So, I I've recently run into u I guess a tough conversation with my wife. She got together with some friends and kind of talking about our financial situation. I pretty much run the show. I don't rein her in too much or anything, but I've been accused now of being kind of financially manipulative or controlling. And I'm hoping for maybe a diagnosis from you guys or some advice on how to how to navigate this. >> Well, I I love that you're bringing this up and saying I I want help. I think that alone lets me know that there's a lot of hope here. Um, if what's being said is true. I will say based on the first words that you said, like, you know, I kind of run the show. That does make me think, okay, one person is carrying way more of this load than they should. Now, I will say it's one thing if you have said, "Honey, I got this. I'll do it. Matter of fact, I don't really need your involvement." And it's been like that. And it's another story if she's kind of been like, "Fine with you doing it. She's been fine with you handling it. She's not shown an interest in it." That it takes two to tango on that part. Right. So, tell me how it's been and and be honest. Has it been more of the latter or more of the first scenario? >> Uh, you know, we're we're a very good team. Um, finance in general tends to make her a little bit nervous. So, this kind of happened out of necessity. We both came into our marriage with basically nothing, a little bit of debt on both sides, worked our way out of it. We're basically on baby step six. Um, and the system that's kind of evolved is, uh, she has one debit card, access to one account, and just kind of does her daily spending on that. I'm paying all the bills and making sure money goes into all the IAS, paying the mortgage. >> Does she have the passwords to all the other stuff? >> She has passwords to maybe about half of it. She doesn't have passwords to like the retirement stuff only because she has really no input. I give her kind of a you know a check-in maybe every six months or so. >> But if she if she asked for it if she asked for it and said, "Tim, can you send me the passwords to everything?" Would you have a problem with giving them to her? >> No, absolutely not. And in the past, she she ran her own IRA and stuff. And I would, you know, have to remind her to kind of, hey, go in, reinvest your dividends and stuff like that. And >> um, >> so where do you think this is coming from with her friends? >> Comfortable handing off, but now, you know, it's been kind of called into question. >> Has she come to you with this before she spilled the tea with her her friends? >> No. This all this all kind of happened organically the system that we have and now that she's revealed it to her friend group they've said hey that it's messed up. >> They so they were like hey red flags and then your wife came to you and said hey I was talking to my friends and they're seeing some red flags with the way you're managing our money. >> Yeah. Basically saying hey she should have Yeah. She should have more input more say and she should >> I would like to >> Yeah. I would like to say too I I don't restrict her spending in any way. She has the same sort of freedoms that I do. Similar spending patterns. >> I don't think this is an indictment on you. >> Packages. >> Yeah. >> I don't think it's I don't I don't think this is an indictment on you based on what you're saying. I think like you said, this kind of has happened organically. I think out of necess necessity, like you said, you kind of took the wheel on things and it just ended up this way. I think her friends may have heard her say something without full context and maybe they were like, "Oh, girl, you got to change this, right? Whatever." What I what I'm hearing is what happens, I think, in a lot of relationships where one spouse money is not really their bag. They don't really care a whole lot about it, so they're fine with letting the other spouse do it. The problem with that is what we're seeing now, which is something happens and there feels like a bit of a loss of control. suddenly they're feeling like maybe I don't know what's going on and I should know what's going on. The truth is it's on both of you guys um how this has happened. And I I really think it's probably pretty simple to get it back on track. I think it's you telling her what you just told me, which is you know what honey, this has happened and it's just as much on me. I I should have pulled you in more and I should have made sure that and let you know that it's really important for me for you to be an equal part in this. And for that part, I'm sorry. Going forward, I do I think both of us should have a handle on what's going on. I am happy to show all the passwords. I'm happy to uh log into everything. I want full transparency, but I also need from you going forward to demonstrate interest in this so that it can be both of us on this. What do you think she'd say to that? It's I I I think she'd probably like to hear that. You know, like I said, the finances have caused her a lot of anxiety in the past, and that's how we ended up here. I think even >> Wait, go back. Why? >> Why anxiety? >> Um, when when we got together and when we got married, I I had a tiny bit of debt, but, you know, a couple of bucks. she was in more debt than I was and it, you know, kind of caused a little bit of shame and we dug her out of that and everything and I think maybe to date she still kind of holds some of that and um >> okay, >> but we've done really well and it's been, you know, she she works, I work, and um uh it's all it's all been okay, but I'm not sure really what she would do with that information or if she would even go in and check it. I mean, yeah, I would never deny her any of those things. >> So, if I were you, I mean, we're talking numbers. We started talking numbers, but it does sound like it's an emotional conversation to me. And I'd start there. That's where I would start with the conversation. I'd say, "Hey, I've really been thinking about what you said." And numbers, account information aside, rest assured we can share all that. I just want to understand how how the how long have you guys been married? I want to, you know, how how has the last 15 years made you feel? I'm thinking about when we came in this relationship with debt, it felt like you were carrying some shame. I I I want to know about that. I want to talk about that. Like start from that place because then you're going to understand why she says everything else that she says going forward and vice versa. >> Yeah, I I appreciate that. I can I can do that, >> you know, because she might be thinking if she's still carrying that shame. I mean, the thing you got to understand with financial shame is she it's not just something I did. It's an identity that I now am. I'm the one who was bad with money. I'm the one who slowed us down. I'm the one who wrecked everything, right? >> I don't deserve a vote in this marriage when it comes to money. >> Yes. >> And that turns into when you just heard Gabb with the gals. Oh my gosh, he's so controlling. He doesn't let you have a say. And now she's going to have an existential crisis. And so I think this is this is between you two. I don't like that it's even gotten this far where it's turned into like a a gossip mill and her friends are involved. Uh this is just a marriage issue where we go, "Hey, we have not been on the same page communicating. We've done well in spite of all of that. We're doing good financially and I need to bring you into it and I need you to care so that this doesn't turn into you saying, "Well, I never I never knew. You never told me." And so again, to Jade's point, she needs to be interested and curious and you need to be forthcoming. And then we need to be aligned. If we played the newlywed game and I said, "Hey, what's y'all's net worth? What's your next financial goal? How much are you investing? What kinds of things are you invested in?" I want her to have the same answers as you. >> Yeah. Yeah. And that's that's probably the difference because she I don't think could really answer any of those questions, >> you know? >> And right, it's probably because like it feels overwhelming. She feels shame. She's not the type of person who understands all of this stuff. And so what you can do really well is put the cookies on the bottom shelf and just help her understand what you're doing in a non-patronizing way and say, "We're a team. We're building this thing together and I want to make sure you know where we're going so that you're not upset when we get there." >> Understood. Yeah. >> Yeah. I think you guys will get on the same page. I I love that this happened for you. I think this is going to be a catalyst for a much more open, a much more trusting, much more transparent relationship, not just with money, but the two of you as people. Um, you want to know what? I'm going to send you my book, What No One Tells You About Money. It's not going to come until later cuz it's still on pre-order, but we're going to write your name down. We're going to send it to you and your wife so you can read it because the emotional part of money is the part that nobody talks about. And a lot of times it holds people back like we've seen uh Tim with you and your wife. But no longer. I'm going to help you fix it. >> Create your free every dollar budget today.