My Body Feels Like It's From Temu - Standup Comedy - Alison Leiby

I feel weird being here and having fun. Doesn't that feel wrong, like, with what's going on? I just, like, it's such a weird time to be alive and to have all the privilege that everyone in this room absolutely has. Because things are terrible, but, like, I never notice how bad things are than when I'm, like, texting with my girlfriends. Because I'll get, like, a text from a friend that's like, holy ----, are we going to die in camps? What the **** is going on? I don't speak any languages. I have nowhere to go. This is terrifying. And then, like, 30 minutes later, she'll text me and be like, um, you know, I do think I'm going to get that hand cream. I think we did it. Like, I feel bad emotionally, metaphysically. I feel bad physically also. Like, I'm 41 and, uh, nope, that's correct. Um, I'm 41, I feel terrible. Like, I feel like my body came from Timu at this point. I'm like, I thought this was supposed to be a human woman. Why is it a mannequin full of plastic bags? This sucks. It does feel like it cost $8, though. That's how my body feels. Really shitty. I, uh, I've had four spine surgeries. That's part of why it feels bad. Sorry to brag. And, like, under the Obama administration, I would joke, I'd be like, and the next one on the punch card's free, you know? That's fun. And now I'm like, if I need another surgery, RFK's going to come to my house and shoot me in the head like a racehorse. Trying to cope. I'm trying to cope in the little ways I can. I start every day by dunking my face in a giant mixing bowl full of ice water. Yes. It is the most white woman thing I've done since having an unpaid internship. Let's be clear. Dunking my face in ice water every morning, I'm microdosing being a serial killer. Like, that's, I don't know what it says about, like, my mental state that, like, my morning routine is the same as a seal. I'm just like, at the zoo, I'm like, what is this, a spa? Okay. No, what I really do to cope is spend money. I love going out. You guys get it. You're out now. I just, I love going out, but it's so expensive. Like, my favorite thing to do is, like, go sit at a bar and get drinks and eat alone at the bar and enjoy myself. But that costs a lot of money, right? That's not, it's not easy. Like, I go and get, like, a glass of wine or two, an appetizer, maybe a dessert if it's, like, a good day, you know, or a bad one. I get the bill and it's, like, $150. And I'm just like, that's what dinner costs. I get that same bill once a year from my dentist. And I'm like, do I need teeth? That's a lot. So I'm trying to stay in more. That's how I'm saving money right now. I'm staying in more. So the other night I was really good. I made a grilled cheese that cost, like, two bucks. And I had a Diet Coke, that's a dollar. And then I took one Ativan and I opened my laptop and I spent $900 on clothes I already owned. Like, oh, are we an online shopping crowd? Do we online shop? Yes, it is my number one vice. And I'm a problem. Like, I drink, I smoke, I do drugs, I'm on my phone too much. Online shopping is my number one. It's my sports gambling, do you understand? People are like, I put $100 on the Giants. I'm like, I put a thousand on Reformation, okay? That's a problem. I love online shopping. I love it so much. Because online shopping is basically edging, right? The delayed gratification of online shopping, that's edging. Because first you, like, you find a shirt you like online and you're kind of like, ooh, that's exciting. You know, and then you text it to like 10 of your friends. You're like, am I a medium or a large? And they're like, girl, you're a medium. And then you put a large in your cart, you know? And then the icon on your screen changes, the little shopping cart gets a one. And you're like, what am I, a graphic designer? Okay. And then you put your credit card in your computer and your computer's like, we know this, you have a problem. And then you get that email and it's like, order confirmed. And you get another email, it's like, out for delivery. And then finally you and the shirt come. It's amazing. I love it. I miss shopping in person. I don't do it as much anymore. I really miss it. I was a mall kid in the nineties. So like, I just love going into stores, right? Yes, we love the mall. And like, I loved, I love the mall. I love, because the names of the stores were correct. They made sense. They were interesting. You knew exactly what was going on inside of Wet Seal. Right? Thongs for tweens and weird dads hovering. It was not a cool place at all. There are two stores though, that I think have the wrong names. There's two real stores that should, they need to change their names. I think that Claire's and Tiffany's should switch. Right? Like who pierces your ear for $10? That's Tiffany. Claire buys you like a silver necklace for graduation. That's what Claire is up to. I think one of the things I miss the most about shopping in person is dressing rooms, shockingly. I know that sounds crazy, just because like mostly being in a dressing room is like discovering a new vein. They're like, you know how you get dressed in hospital lighting every day? Here you go. But I miss dressing rooms because there was a solution to problems. Clap if you've ever been caught in an item of clothing and trapped in one in a dressing room. Yes. It's all of the women. The men are staring at me like, that can happen? Oh my God. The **** is going on with your clothes? What do you mean? It's like experiencing friction in society. I don't know what that is. But like, if you get like, I've been stuck in many items of clothing in dressing rooms and like, it's embarrassing, right? It's the most I've ever sweat in my entire life. That hierarchy is like the beach, Bikram yoga, and anthropology in New Jersey. But if you get stuck, you can call for help, right? Someone works there. You're like, actually, Crystal, everything's not okay back here. And like a 22 year old who weighs 103 pounds will like jaws of life you out of a bridesmaid's dress. And you're like, why is it a boney? I have both. But you're free, right? You get out of it. You never go back, but you're free. I shop online. I order clothes the wrong size all the time. Like if I try on a dress that's too small in my apartment, like the cops are just going to find my body in a week. They'll be like walking around my one bedroom, be like, cause of death, size six? What was she thinking? Crazy. No, they wouldn't say that. They'd go, ah, because my cat would have eaten my face off at that point. I do have a cat. So moms, I get it. What do you do when they only sleep for 16 hours a day? Right? Like, when's time for me? I love my cat. He's so cute. I love my cat. His name is Riz. He's so, yeah, that's not the name I gave him. The guy who rescued him off the street gave him that name for the, oh, sorry. I'm a hero. I didn't even say that. They gave him that name. And I learned, you know, this was a couple of years ago. It was before that word hit the 40s set. And I learned from the New York times, which is where I get all of my slang and none of my news. I learned that Riz, as we all know, is short for charisma and it means having game. Right? So like my cat fucks. No, he's fixed. And I'm jealous. My doctor won't do it. It's very annoying. She's like, prove you don't want kids. I'm like, I'm 41. That's it. That's the proof. I love him. He's so cute. He does so much cool stuff, my cat. He's so, he's so cool. He does this really fun thing every day where he goes in the bathroom and he sits in the sink and he stares in the mirror in the dark and he screams for an hour. And he learned it from me. So that's. People think that cats are aloof. And I get that. Like cats don't have a good vibe for a lot of people. Like the whole energy of cats is like when you go into a coffee shop and you walk up to the counter and someone's like, there's a line. That's what cats are like. But like the first night Riz lived with me, he came over and he just like laid across my stomach. And I was like, oh my God. Like, what disease am I dying of? Holy ----. Cats don't do that. What do you know? No, he probably knows that I have fibroids and endometriosis. Say it with me, everybody. No? Okay. Oh God. I try and talk about uterine diseases a lot because I feel like we don't talk about them culturally. But I do feel like every time I talk about them, I sound like I'm talking about astrology. Right? I'm like, I'm a PCOS sun, but like an endo rising. So dumb. And it's also unfair to compare uterine diseases and astrology, right? Because people study astrology and. My mom wants me to mercy kill her. That's a closer. My mom wants me to mercy kill her. She's fine. She's going to outlive everybody in this room somehow. She's insane. But she just doesn't ever want to live in a nursing home. And I understand that. And she always says to me, she's like, Alison, when I start to lose it, I want you to take a pillow and then slowly press down on my face. And I'm always like, mom, I am not going to do that. Okay? Just cause like smothering is so much more of your thing. I think about death a lot. It occupies a lot of my mind. I just think it's weird. We bring flowers to people who are mourning. I think it's an odd thing that we do. Cause the message is like, I'm so sorry for your loss. These will also die this week. Do you have that in you? My mom wants to be cremated. I know you guys were like, what about her body? She does. She wants me to be cremated. She wants me to scatter her ashes at Zion National Park. Cause she's been there once. And I'm like, of course your dying wish is for me to run one last errand for you. She's like, can you drop me off? Thanks. I feel like everybody wants to be scattered somewhere peaceful, right? That's the common thing everybody wants. Like, I feel like the Grand Canyon is just covered with like a thin film of Aunt Carol's, you know? I don't want to be scattered somewhere peaceful. I would like to be scattered somewhere that honors the way I've spent my time on this earth. I would like to be scattered somewhere that ruins someone else's day. Like, I want to be accidentally knocked over on like a coffee shop milk and sugar station. Just ruin a latte for somebody. That's my plan. All right, you guys have been so fun. I've been Alison Leiby.