The Artful Codger _ Andy Huggins _ Stand Up Comedy Special

I thought I'd start off my act with two new facts I learned today. One, an edible is nothing like a lunchable. And metrosexual isn't two people screwing on the bus. My new hearing aids are great. I can now hear the safe word. New watch will tell me how many steps I've taken today. 47. No wonder I'm tired. As far as social media goes, you can follow me on the bulletin board at Kroger's. Or MyChart. Speaking of which, because of my bad back, I've had several MRIs. And it's been determined that I have thin bones. And as it happens, thin bones is also my gangster name. Because of my thin bones, I'm very unsteady when I walk. I own the ******* sidewalk. People step aside for thin bones. 52. My fingers are no longer nimble. I can't, if I'm pissed off at somebody, I can't give them the finger. Instead I give them the claw. I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about dying young. I'll go to hell. My con man got me so confused, I gave him all my banking information. He took one look at my account and put money in. I bought a new bed and according to the instructions, it can bear no more than 250 pounds. So when I ask women how much they weigh, I'm just practicing safe sex. I saw a beautiful lady and without thinking I blurted out, Oh my God, you're beautiful. And she blurted out, Oh my God, get out of the ladies room. I have an inner child, but I don't think it's mine. I fell asleep in my swivel chair and dreamed I was a tornado. I'm a playa. Mostly checkers. Sometimes till seven in the evening. Long time ago I was in bed with a cheerleader and she whispered in my ear, Give me the D. I whispered in her ear, D, then waited for the next letter. The airport here in San Diego has a lactation room. And I didn't know what lactation meant when I went in. The first time. I live in Houston, Texas and about a month ago we had one of our very infrequent snowfalls. Spectacular, I enjoyed it. I made a snow angel. Yeah, I fell over backwards and couldn't get up. In about three weeks I'm going to Europe to do some shows. Very excited about that. The first city will be Amsterdam, which I'm told has a lot of drugs, which I don't do. And a lot of sex workers. I swear to God I'll jump. My butt is shrinking. You can't tell but right now I'm twerking. Last night I sat on the toilet, slipped right in. I told someone to kiss my ass, he said, where is it? I exercise. I start every morning with ten minutes of coughing in place. Followed by fifteen minutes of CPR. A friend on Facebook suggested I get a bicycle. That friend's been blocked. I've quit a lot of bad habits in my life. With the help of nicotine gum I was able to quit the patch. And with the help of cigarettes I was able to quit nicotine gum. I'm not on Twitter. But I will stop people on the street and tell them ---- they're not interested in. That's hashtag, where are you going, hashtag I'm not done talking. Hashtag catch these hands. I'm not into sexting. But I will stop people on the street and show them ---- they're not interested in. That's hashtag don't call the cops. Hashtag I'm begging you please don't call the cops. I was on the internet earlier researching my family history. Turns out I'm Scotch Irish on my mom's side. Scotch and soda on my dad's. I'm a recovering alcoholic, 36 years sober. I was a quiet drunk. Some people would say passed out. The haters. One night I got drunk and passed out in a neighbor's front yard. When I came to I was part of a yard sale. The great love of my life. I met in a bar. We met when I fell off my bar stool. She was already on the floor. But I did quit doing drugs in 1985. I wanted to focus on my drinking. So now no alcohol. No alcohol. What I drink now my favorite drink is Red Bull and Metamucil. If you want to order one it's called Sex on the Beach My Ass. The last woman I had a relationship with. Didn't last that long I don't guess. Her name was Laura. We didn't have enough in common. Laura likes to go dancing. I like to stop my foot till I get some feeling back. I would use the phrase ahead of schedule. Laura preferred the word premature. Of course we had to go to Facebook. Change our relationship status. I have it's complicated. Laura has no it ain't. We met in a grocery store. My mind was wandering. I accidentally bumped into Laura. Laura got annoyed and said WTF. I said no AARP. For our first date we went out to dinner. Or as Laura called it lunch. Our first night together was a disaster. Laura believes in the zombie apocalypse. And I forgot to tell her I sleepwalk. I wanted to be fair with Laura. So I told her I was older than I looked. She said that's not possible. I tell you what ladies and gentlemen. The sex was great. The bedroom could get noisy. I'd be yelling sweet Jesus. Laura would yell God why has thou forsaken me. The nurse would yell clear. Laura loved role playing in the bedroom. Once for four nights in a row she was a different golden girl. One night she was a cat woman. And I was Batman. Well Alfred. A couple of nights later she was Jackie Kennedy. And I was Alfred. My favorite bit of role playing. Laura did a strip tease. While I yelled at her to get off my front yard. Laura slept on camouflage pajamas. Slept in camouflage pajamas on camouflage bed sheets. Instead of foreplay I had to go on reconnaissance. Didn't always go well in the bedroom. Laura didn't hesitate to let me know. One morning I woke up and my body was outlined in chalk. There were pennies in my eyes. Laura got pissed when we broke up. I don't own a car so she keyed a metro bus. So now I'm on the lookout for a rich widow woman. I want to spend my twilight years as some lady's geezer toy. A geezer toy is like a boy toy but with shorter hours. A lady asked me if I wanted to participate in a polyamorous relationship. Which involves multiple partners. I said sure but we're going to need name tags. I will pay anybody $50,000 to find me a lady friend. Now she has to be kind. She has to be fun. And she has to be wealthy because I'm going to owe somebody $50,000. I have one sex toy. Y'all heard that too? Don't be ******* with the old man. I have one sex toy. A referee's whistle. I use it to stop play. I love phone sex. Hello? Is your grandma home? No I don't want to leave a message. Okay. Let's do this. I look at this to see what time it is. So I know how long I've been on stage. So I know when to get off. Here's the problem. If you don't look at the god damn thing before you come on stage. Then 1037 doesn't mean jack ----. My smart watch. I also have a smart phone. The other day I got so pissed off at my phone. Almost stood against the back wall. And here's how crazy angry I was. I asked Siri if she had any last words. She did. She said I didn't have the balls. I didn't. Once I spent three minutes looking for my phone. While I was talking on it. And the idiot I was talking to was no help. He said do you want me to call you? I was talking to my neighbor Barton today. Gentleman about my age. He was telling me some bullshit story. About being at Woodstock. Which pissed me off. Because that's my bullshit story. I had to go to my backup bullshit story. Apollo 13. I thought I'd play a joke on Barton. I thought I'd ring his doorbell and run. I forgot to run. Which would have been embarrassing. Except I also forgot to ring the doorbell. That's 45 minutes I'll never get back. We live in an interesting neighborhood. We don't have a neighborhood crime watch program. We do have a neighborhood Peeping Tom who helps out. Barton loves Judge Judy. Thinks she's hot. After every ruling he yells, Erection sustained. Barton's a big believer in conspiracies. He believed the government faked both the moon landing and his wife's orgasms. He and his wife recently renewed their wedding vows. Didn't go well. When she said, I do, he said, God damn it, not again. Their grandson has a lot of body piercings. Nothing but metal. Hanging all over his body. He works as a wind chime. I have a nice apartment. Have a lot of nice plants. Some people would say mold. The haters. Not all audiences are as nice as y'all. A couple of Fridays ago a guy was talking during my act. Which pissed me off. Because he was talking in his sleep. A lot of comics do very well. A lot of comics make what they call, **** you money. Enough money to tell the rest of the world, **** you. I'm currently making **** me money. Everybody wants to do stand-up these days. And I give all the newcomers the same advice. Get the hell away from me. I was on America's Got Talent about six years ago. And Mel B of the Spice Girls did not like my jokes. Which was disappointing. Because I wanted to open for her group. I could have been old Spice. I was in a production of West Side Story. I played Alfred. I am blessed to be able to do stand-up at my age. There are problems from time to time. A couple of Saturdays ago before I went on stage. I asked the club manager how much time do I have. He said can't be much. I'm easily confused. At my last show I got confused. And dropped the mic at the beginning of my act. You all have been very kind. Get home safely.