I Quit.

I used to think that this was a story about quitting. I feel like my legs could do it, but the rest of my body is like screaming at me to stop. Now I know it's really about something much bigger. This is the Wonderland Trail. Over the course of 95 miles and 25,000 feet elevation gain, it winds its way around Mount Rainier in Washington, one of the tallest mountains in the U.S. Let's see how it goes. I'm a bit nervous, but I'm just like, I just gotta go the distance. To put it simply, it's not a walk in the park. And so, of course, I decided to try running it. Let's do this. Yeah, no, I didn't want to hike it. I wanted to run it. 35 kilometers. 20 miles. And a lot of uphill. Alone. 95 miles and 25,000 vertical feet. That's a lot for one day. In three days. It's getting late. This has taken much longer than expected. I've just been feeling really weak. Solo. This is supposed to work out differently. And unsupported. Look, I didn't have to make this video, okay? It would have been a lot easier not to make it, in fact. There is, I would say, only one advantage to running the Wonderland Trail as opposed to hiking it, and that is the fact that you get to bring less stuff. So I'll be out on the trail for three days and two nights, so I can really bring the bare minimum in order to survive out in the wilderness, all alone with no infrastructure, but still just the bare minimum. So I'm going to take all of my stuff that I'll be bringing along, I'm going to set it out here, and show you every last item that I'm going to be bringing because it's really not going to be much. So, let's do this. I'm going to sort this into sections. This is everything, but I think I can cut it down a little bit more because in addition to this, I still have to bring that tripod, this camera, my phone, my wallet. Yep, some of the stuff is definitely going to have to go. Three pairs of socks. I just need two. Food. I don't need three dinners. Two breakfasts. And a dessert. Oh, I do want a dessert. That is my luxury. This is my luxury. I am allowed to have some luxuries. Energy gels. Thirteen. Three a day. That's nine. Four coffees. Yeah. Three waffles. Yeah, I can allow myself three waffles. I feel like I need everything else. I feel like this is like the bare minimum. So, I'm not going to bring the bear spray. Probably no Grizzlies out there. And I'm also not bringing my pyjamas. This is comfort. This is true comfort. But it's just too heavy. The bag is too heavy with all of this stuff in it. This saves me like two pounds. It's not that heavy. It's actually pretty good. I think I can run in this. Yeah. Starting to feel real. The only things I hadn't packed at this point were the camera, because that's still rolling, and the clothes I would be running and sleeping in. Here they are, fresh and ready to go. So that all I need to do tomorrow morning is come here, get dressed, put my pack on, and leave. There is no power and no electricity along the Wonderland trail. So, whatever electronics you bring, bring them charged. There's five things charging right here. We've got the head torch, the sports watch, and then three wires. One going to the satellite messenger, phone, camera. Potentially bring a power bank. I am still debating that one. No. No, I have to bring a power bank. It's heavy. But it could save your life. So... The world is going to feel very, very different tomorrow. This bed won't be there tomorrow night. I won't be this warm and this comfortable tomorrow night. And there's this thought in my head that's still telling me like, you don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. You can just stay here, be comfy, take some rest. You don't have to go and run that horrific distance in the mountains. It's true, nobody's making me do this. I'm the only person that's making myself do this. And I don't have to. But the more that little voice in my head tells me that I don't have to, the more I know that I must do it. I guess this is it. These are the first steps that I'm taking on the Wonderland Trail. There is no goodbye committee to wish me good luck. It's just me at this point. And that is what it was always meant to be. Let's see how it goes. I'm a bit nervous, but I'm just like, I just gotta go the distance. I just gotta do the distance. And that's the only thought I have in my head right now, is to make it all the way around this bloody mountain. The first proper view of Mount Rainier. Let me show you. It's pretty, pretty wild. Wow. Not so long, I would have killed for a chance to go up that mountain, go all the way to the summit. But lately, I've just been realising more and more that this is what I love. Time for the first snack of the day. I am about four miles in. So far, so good. A little bit sweaty already. It's because there's been a lot of uphill. And a lot of forest. The only thing to do is to keep going. I'm just gonna leave the camera wherever. And I still have to go back and pick it up after I'm done capturing the scene. Yay! The first downhill of the trail. Oh, this is... These are the moments I live for. So, you might be wondering, doesn't it get tiring and annoying to run back and forth to pick up the camera? A little bit. But you know what? I get to live this life and do this kind of stuff thanks to YouTube and thanks to the camera. So every time I have to go back and pick it up, I remind myself of that. And it just... It makes everything a little bit less painful. Definitely not used to running with such a big, heavy backpack. Definitely... Definitely adds a whole new level of challenge to the already challenging challenge. Okay, a bit of background. I wouldn't take on this challenge without adequate physical training. This isn't one of those I-did-a-ridiculous-thing-without-training-for-it kind of videos. The reason I'm not running up hills is because it really, really takes all of your energy away. So best practice with ultras in general is that you power hike up hills. I've ran a few ultras before, done a number of multi-day solo hikes. I mean, at this point, I was really fit and I sincerely believed that I would succeed. Two months before, I ran a pretty gnarly 50-mile ultramarathon with 12,000 feet elevation gain in nearby Mount St. Helens. I've been running for 14 hours. It was really hard, but I did it. And I had never felt so strong. And for lunch today, we've got this sexy sachet of endurance fuel. No, this is not real food. But it's all I got, and it was light. And it said endurance fuel, so I fell for the marketing. Let's see. Oh, it's actually quite good. All right, so I'm about halfway of today's distance, just under halfway. And it's still a really long way to go. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling really excited. I'm so happy to be here. I feel like this is exactly where I need to be right now. But there's a lot of uphill here. It's just uphill, uphill, uphill. And the backpack is heavy. So those are my two complaints. I'm going to have a bite of this, and then I'm going to keep going. Because I really, really need to get to my campsite for tonight before nightfall. Shake it off, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off. You can do it, you can do it, you can do it. It's only three days. Let's do this. So much uphill. That's nice. You can see my fingers are swelling up a lot. Probably because I'm holding my hands like this most of the time. There's not much I can do about this, except drink a lot of water and put my hands up here sometimes. It's probably the least of my problems. This is a lot. This is a lot for one day. 50 kilometers, nearly 3,000 meters vertical gain. Maybe it's just too much. Maybe it's too much. Sometimes I do question why I run in these places and not just do a nice hike. You know? Just do a nice hike. Take it slow. No, no. Gotta run. Why? I don't know. Something tells me to run and I love running. Still, I feel like I would much rather just stay here and enjoy this view right now. But then I wouldn't be running, so. Come on. Get up. So heavy. Oh, man. This is like a whole new level of slow. Very steep. I'm very tired. Legs do not want to be here. And shoulders hurting. Need massage. Cannot speak. 35 kilometers. 20 miles. And a lot of uphill. Oh, come on. Just three more miles. And then you can stop. There's such a huge difference between running an organized race versus being out in the mountains all alone. When you're solo, you need to accept that there is no room for risk in your adventure. When you have a crew around you, you can push yourself much further and still feel safe. But solo, you're the only one who can save yourself. And that is a very difficult lesson to learn. It's getting late. This has taken much longer than expected. I've just been feeling really weak the last couple of hours, like very weak, despite, you know, I'm drinking water, I'm drinking electrolytes, I'm eating. But I just feel so frail. So I'm running a bit late, which is not great. I know that the campsite is somewhere beyond that hill. So I need to kind of go down that path over there and just kind of turn. I really hope that I make it before dark. I reckon I have like another maximum hour. Maybe 45 minutes to get there. Half a mile left. This should have been really easy. But there's something off. I feel so dizzy. I'm so close. Just 10 minutes. 10 minutes and I'll be there. Things weren't going according to plan. I was just too slow. And so I decided to stop early. At this rate, I would have to cover several miles in total darkness in order to reach the campsite I had originally planned to stay at. And given how shaken I was feeling, I just couldn't risk it. So I'm going to be staying in the shelter tonight and kind of assess what's going on because this isn't my usual kind of performance. I just feel so like... But first, I need to have some food, set up my tent, and then rest. So I've set myself up maybe like 100 meters away from the shelter to make dinner because I do not want to attract any bears to the shelter at night. What the hell? It doesn't fit? Don't tell me it doesn't fit. That's impossible. Thank god. Oh my god. What a scare. Oh, miso soup. Oh, miso. Oh god. I can't believe this is bear poop. I thought I would be so hungry but I can't even finish it. I'm done. Alright, I'm going to go hang this up on one of those trees over there and then set up my camp. Okay, so my original plan was to stay in the shelter but it's a little bit creepy and there's nobody there so I might go to the campsite instead and see if there's anyone already pitched. Thank god there's someone just over there like a few trees away so I won't be totally alone which is great. Oh, the tent has flown away. No. Oh, no. Oh, come on. Seriously? So, I'm not sure what exactly is going on but something is definitely off. I feel so woozy and weak and achy. Kind of like the feeling that you get before you get really sick. Yeah, that's kind of how I'm feeling right now which is really not the kind of form that I need because I've got two extremely long days ahead of me tomorrow and the day after. 50km days plus massive elevation gain. But, I mean just coming up to the camp like the last two miles, three miles I felt woozy and dizzy. So, I hope I can sleep it off. I'm going to try and get nine hours of sleep. It is now just before nine. So, I'll sleep until six or whatever and hopefully feel better tomorrow. Hopefully. I've been sleeping for like nine hours and I'm feeling worse than last night. Like I'm about to throw up. The world is still just as beautiful as it was yesterday. I definitely dreamt last night that two bears got to my food and I had to fight them off. Luckily that didn't happen in real life. Honestly, in this state I don't think I can make it 100km in the next two days. And I can't take it slow either because, I mean first of all it would be against the park's regulations since I have a set itinerary. But, more importantly I don't have enough food to last me more than one more day in the mountains. I took the bare minimum that I thought I would need. So I'm thinking of going back. I hate to say that. I absolutely hate to say that because I I always think of myself as like I'm not a quitter but my head is telling me to just go back. So I don't know. You know, I think this is so much harder for me because I've been totally indoctrinated by all those books you know by these like ultra-athletic endurance guys who tell you like there's no quitting you can never quit don't ever quit quitting is for losers and I think for a while I definitely professed that philosophy but the older I get the more cool ---- I do the more I realise that what's even harder than not quitting is not wanting to quit but knowing that it's the right thing to do. Oh, I feel like I've just entered a new phase of personal growth right here even though this was supposed to be this was supposed to work out differently I really don't want to eat this I still feel quite nauseous but I should because it's food and food is fuel and I'll need fuel packing up I still wasn't 100% sure what it was that I would do keep going turn back around I felt pulled in both directions in some absurd way I kind of hoped that someone would tell me what to do that someone would come up to me and give me an answer point me in the right direction tell me this way I didn't feel like I could make that decision myself yesterday I ran all the way from Longmire to here, Summerland that's where I am right now so continuing with this run would mean having to cross all this distance to Mowatch Lake today and then all this way tomorrow I feel like my legs could do it but the rest of my body is like screaming at me to stop I just don't know if I can manage that massive distance twice feeling the way that I'm feeling and the further in I go the more of a risk it could be because there's no way for anyone to get to me there's no roads on the other side of the park there's no access this is the last spot to turn around now here's a little plot twist for you I still have to run today if I want to make it before dark because it's just too far to walk in one day so I don't know really how I'm going to do that but I think my strategy is to walk the uphills try and run the downhills drink as many electrolytes as I can possibly get down my throat and just get through it knowing that tonight I'll sleep in a bed and then I can stay in bed for two days if I need to a voice in my head was still telling me come on you're not injured you haven't broken anything it's not like you're about to die funny how for some of us the unrelenting perfectionists among us broken bones or impending death feel like the only valid excuses to stop I feel like I've just been running on adrenaline all the way downhill all the way up to here now I stopped for a cup of soup and I just feel it all just draining out of me maybe I shouldn't have stopped I still have 20km to go until the end and my body is just like ugh you know my legs are fine it's just like this whole thing is like stop it's hard to think straight when you're in the thick of it now re-watching myself I actually feel proud there was a time in my life when my ego would tell me never to publish this video a time in my life when glory and winning were the only options where I would obsess over this and call myself a quitter for weeks for months but that's not me anymore I've changed and I'm proud of myself now for knowing when to turn back for allowing myself not to feel guilty about quitting anymore and for having enough mental strength and self-awareness to be able to share this story with you no pride no ego I gave up because it was the right decision for me at the time it's as simple as that oh my god those nice people gave me a lift the last 5k and I'm here honestly I missed you so much so cold look I didn't have to make this video okay it would've been a lot easier not to make it in fact I could've just pretended like this whole run never happened and I wouldn't have to deal with it I would get to keep up this image of myself on social media as someone who never gives up as someone who always succeeds that would be so easy I could just delete the footage that's it goodbye move on but I chose not to it took me a couple of days of thinking it through and I discussed it on my Patreon with people that support me on a daily basis and came to the conclusion that there's a lot of value in this video and here's why so I don't know if you can relate to any of this but over the last couple of years I have kind of indoctrinated myself with this kind of self talk that tells me never to quit you know kind of based on all those books written by those navy seals who are like ultra athletes and they tell you don't ever quit you gotta keep going don't be a loser quitting is for losers you know that kind of like really like hyper masculine power driven uncompromising narrative ha I thought it was making me a better person it wasn't it was making me more strict on myself less forgiving with myself uncompromising with myself and for what exactly for what I feel like I've lost that gentle kind sense of piece of myself somewhere along the way which has made quitting when I need to quit so much harder and I want to reclaim that you know so I don't believe in the navy seal language of discipline anymore I don't think it's for everyone and I don't think it's for every single context and every single circumstance and situation that you find yourself in there's a time and place for that but that's not how you get to live life you gotta be gentle with yourself sometimes and kind with yourself and quitting when you need to quit when it doesn't feel right to keep going seems to me like the only sensible choice so I think for a short little while I'm gonna take a break from competitive running the 50 mile ultra that I ran a couple of months ago was probably my last one for a little while for now I'm just gonna enjoy running just doing it for myself and for nobody else quitting doesn't make you a loser alright anyway that's that