Why I HATE Modern Bathroom Sensors! _ Gabriel Iglesias

I see a couple of young adults right there. How old are you guys? You're 13. Wow. And next to you? How old are you? You're 10. Okay. I'm so sorry for what Martin said. 10 years old. But you know what though? I can't feel too bad because you know what? 10 year olds are young adults. You are a young adult. I don't see you as a kid. A kid to me, first of all, is someone who doesn't have access to the internet. You have, I'm sure, a tablet or a cell phone or access to online services, right? Services. What the hell is he talking about? Bad choice of words. You know what I mean, right? You've probably seen and heard a few things already and the parents are like, no, no, no, no, not my child. No, no, no. I lock their phone. Yeah, but you don't lock their friend's phone. I feel bad whenever I say something that's kind of like risqué. Whenever parents bring like a four-year-old, five-year-old, six-year-old, and yes, it happens. Then I feel bad because then I'll meet them after the show and I'm like, I am so sorry for what you heard me say. And it's always funny to see the parents say, oh, they hear worse at home. Nothing like watching a four-year-old confirm that, you know, just like, for example, my son, he's 18 years old, but he still doesn't cuss at home. Okay. Now, whatever he does in public, I have no control over, but at home he knows he cannot cuss. One time, one time in like 13 years, I caught my son cussing at home and I couldn't even get mad. He had fallen down the stairs. I don't mean to laugh, but think about it. What am I going to do to him? That's worse than what he just did to himself. I heard it too. I ran over, I didn't even check his safety. I was like, what did you say? You earned that one. I said, if you want to say the F word next time, let me push you. That's when I knew he felt hard. Really? No, get up here. Come on, but cool. Welcome you guys. I hope you have a good time. I know you're getting nervous, dad. You see me talking and you're like, what's he telling my son? No, nothing. Nothing. Being cool. But thank you for trusting me to bring your kids to the show. For your young adults. Sorry. Thank you for trusting me to bring your young adults to the show. And by the way, I know I keep pointing at people in the front right here. If you're here tonight with someone you have no business being here with and you see a camera coming by, just be like, hey, hey, victory. Victory. They're very respectful. They'll go to the next person. Don't even worry about that. Before I forget you guys, I would like to thank the Allstate Arena for providing some amazing accommodations backstage. Let me tell you right now. I love my dressing room for the simple fact that it has basic things that I really like. Like light switches. A lot of these arenas are now starting to go green. And so they're taking away the light switches and they're replacing them with sensors. Sensors are cool when they work. You know what I mean? Like when you're 10 feet away and it senses you and the whole room just. What I don't like is that when they're messed up, then you have to walk into a dark ass room and establish your presence. But then you stand still for four seconds. In addition, backstage, my sink has knobs on it. I have control of the temperature and the pressure of the water, which in the Chicago area, I believe is very important, especially in the winter. Oh man, you guys are no joke in the winter. You need warm water when you wash your hands. You can't rely on a sensor that gives you nothing but cold water because you wash your hands with cold water. Your hands get all cryptic. Then you go outside and people are making fun of you. Look at Thriller. My dressing room, you guys, has a sink that has hot and cold. You can control the water. You can control the temperature. You can control the pressure. I hate it when they take that away from us and they replace it with that little sensor. So now, in addition to being a comedian, now I got to be a magician. I'm not a magician, but if you watch me wash my hands, that's what I look like. Nothing. Then you walk away. I feel like there's someone behind the mirror messing with me. Like, watch this. Some places stop there. Some places keep going. I like a lot of soap when I wash my hands. I like a good soap dispenser. I like the, you know, the pump. I hate it when they take that away from us and then they replace it with that little spout that goes next to the faucet. You stick your hand under it and it gives you that little booger of soap. You know what I mean? That little moko, you put it under. You know you need more, so you pull it out and then you go back in. But the sensor's like, no, it's still you. Now you got to trick it, right? Once you get enough soap on your hands, now you got to try to wash it off. But you can't wash it off then and there because the timer for the water has timed out. So now you have to back up and now you have to put on a second performance. Now it's a race to get that soap off your hands. Once you get the soap off your hands, now you got to try to dry your hands. Some places still give you a towel. Some places give you paper towels. Some take the paper towels and they put them in a box on the wall with another sensor. And there you are. Three inches of paper. Three inches, Chicago. You can't do anything with three inches. Ask any woman, they'll tell you. Or a guy, unequal opportunity. I need control of the paper. I need the crank. Some places stop there, some places keep going. Have you ever walked into the bathroom stall, closed the door, locked it, turned around, looked at the toilet and seen a blinking red light on the wall? And you're like, really? Here too? All you're trying to do is get the tissue paper off the wall for the toilet seat. You take one step. I haven't even done anything. You grab the paper. You turn around and you put it on like a cape. And you let it slide down your back while you slowly try to time it just right. And just as you're about to sit down, somebody always walks into the bathroom and distracts you. But it's too late. Your knees are bent. And unless you do CrossFit, you're not coming back from that one. Then your bare ass touches the seat. And you're like, ah! And just when you think it can't get any worse, all this water splashing up, hitting you right in the ass. And then the water goes down the drain and it creates that air vortex that goes right between your legs. So now you have a tsunami in the back. You have a tornado in the front. And who's the victim? Pikachu. And he's holding on for dear life. You haven't even made magic yet. And you've already been violated by plumbing. Now you do what you need to do. You finish. Now it's time for cleanup. Time for maintenance. So you reach over for the toilet paper. And the problem with using the restroom nowadays is that most venues, including this one, instead of putting a human size toilet paper roll inside of the human size toilet paper roll dispenser, they take their ass to Costco or Sam's Club or one of these places where you buy in bulk. And they buy that giant gorilla roll of toilet paper. And then they come back here and they force it into that little tiny compartment. And then they close the door on it. So now this giant wheel is locked in place. You can't even spin it. You're just, you can't even find where it starts because they glue it. Desperation. You got to pull out your car keys and cut into the side of it like a bag of cocaine on Narcos. Then you get the paper. You try to wipe. Chicago, a year from now, a year from now, I am predicting that they are going to take 100% control of the restroom. You're going to be sitting there and you're going to think of me because you're going to see it. You're going to look over to get the toilet paper and there's going to be a blinking red light on it. And you're going to be like, oh my God, Fluffy called it. And what are you going to have to do? One sheet. You're going to get frustrated and just sit on it. Sorry, bro. I know that was a lot of culo. I threw at you right there. She's like, it's like magic Mike. I'm so sorry, bro. That was a lot. Yeah. You guys, I understand. I understand why they do this to our restrooms. Why they put sensors in places because they're trying to save energy. They're trying to save water. I live in California. We need water. Okay. We do. But some places need sensors. Some places don't. Some places are good at teaching us how to conserve energy and conserve water. Some places are horrible at it. Like the hotel that we're staying at. They have a very basic thing that they do. They have a little cardboard sign that hangs on the towel rack in the bathroom. All it says is, please help save water by reusing your towel. And on the back, it has a diagram and it shows you the millions of gallons of water that are saved every year when people reuse their towel. I reuse them at home. I got no problem doing that at the hotel. It's my towel. Some people don't want to reuse their towels. They're like, that towel's dirty. Well, if that towel's dirty, then you suck at showers. Because theoretically that white towel should be white every single time you use it. But no, people like to roll it up and then go expert mode with it. And now you waste more water trying to get that out. Like I said, some places are good at teaching us how to save energy, save water. Some places are horrible at it. I was at a university not too long ago, very close to here. And this university has a lot of money. So much so that they have their own private police department that's on campus. It's only for the campus. Now that's not a big deal. There's a lot of colleges that have their own on-campus police. The difference is this college somehow or another wound up giving the police department Priuses to use for the patrol cars. Now some of you already know the university. Now look, this is not even a joke. My thing is that if you're an officer of the law, it's your job to fight crime. The first thing that people see when you arrive on a scene is your mode of transportation. Your vehicle needs to establish dominance of the situation before you set one foot outside. In California, over 65% of California highway patrol officers now drive SUVs. So when you get stopped over there, you feel it. You're intimidated by it. And people jump out on the freeway. Don't kill me. Now imagine getting stopped by... Don't let me get stopped by a cop in a Prius with attitude. You know why I stopped you? Because I let you. Imagine the first time they did a DUI stop, the cop probably didn't even get out of the car. He just stayed on the radio. Sir, step out of your vehicle right now. Okay, okay. Is that a Prius? I must be drunk. Sir, walk the line. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Officer, if I gotta go to jail, can you call a real cop car to pick me up? Stop being a smartass. Walk the line. Okay. Hey, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick. Hey, hey, hey. Charge my phone. That's it. You're going to jail. I don't know, man. A lot of time. Yes, sir. I love you too, bro. Give me cake, sugar free. Thank you. Oh, I gotta be careful. I almost slipped right there. He's like, I'll catch you.