Jimmy Kimmel Takes The Colbert Questionert

Hey everybody, welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy, I've known you for over 20 years. That's true. You're a dear friend. We've gone fishing together. We have. We, uh... We've made love. Well, you know, I'm man enough to admit it. You know, guys know what guys like. And here's the thing. As intimate as we've been over the years, I just always feel like there's another level to know someone. Okay. You know what I mean? I do. And so what we have done here at The Late Show, we've come up with something called The Colbert Questionnaire, which is a series... a series of ergonomic, aerodynamic, hydrodynamic questions that penetrate straight to the heart of a person and reveal them to the world. And I'm just wondering whether you have the courage to take The Colbert Questionnaire. Uh, well, I hope so. I hope I do. If I have to tap out halfway, forgive me. Okay, okay. Jimmy Kimmel, The Colbert Questionnaire. Mr. Kimmel, first question, what is the best sandwich? Ooh, you started with the hardest possible... I know, I've been waiting. I know you've probably got a good one over here. I know that's, like, maybe a pick between my kids. Okay. Um, all right. So when I was in high school, I worked at a pizza place in Las Vegas called Figaro's, and there was this old man. He was, like, 150 years old. And on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he made bread. And he'd cook all night. He used a pizza oven. He'd make the bread. And so on Wednesdays and Fridays, when I'd come in to work in the morning, there was this hot, fresh bread. And I would slice it open, and I would put cold roast beef, Italian dressing, lettuce, and tomato inside. Oh, and a little provolone, which I'd melt in the oven a little bit. Then I'd put the cold stuff in there. And it's still, in my mind, the best sandwich I've ever had. Excellent answer. Thank you for the time you took to describe that. What was the first concert you attended? My first concert? Sammy Davis Jr. No way! The greatest entertainer of all time. In Vegas. In Las Vegas. My best friend Cleto, his dad was Sammy's room service butler. And he got tickets to see the show. We went, not only did we see Sammy Davis Jr., we went and hung out in his dressing room afterwards. No way! I was wearing my cousin's sport jacket. I was sitting on Sammy's couch, and there was a big, big bowl of potato chips. And I was too polite to eat any of them. I was scared to eat any. I didn't know if it was okay to eat his potato chips, even though I wanted them very much. And it was a fantastic concert. That's amazing. What kind of fool am I? He was the best kind. What is the scariest animal to you? The scariest animal. Okay. Hmm. You know what? I hate mosquito. Is a mosquito an animal? Yes. Small animal. The mosquito, yeah. Because we know they kill more people than sharks and bears and all that stuff. Sure, sure. And they're also just so annoying. And I'm one of those people that they swarm on. I don't know what it is about me, but they love me. They're delicious. I guess I am. Apples or oranges? I like them both. Well, how can you compare? I eat an apple every day. Apple every day. Okay. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? I have, yeah. I asked Steve Garvey, my favorite baseball player, for his autograph. There you go. When I was about 10 years old. And this is when you grow up in Vegas, on a Keno ticket. Yeah. Do you still have it? You know what? I do still have it. It's mostly faded. And then I hung it on the wall in my bedroom, and my sister scribbled and crayon on it, I love you all over it. And it was probably the maddest I ever was at anyone. Wow. What do you think happens when we die? The two of us? Sure. You're going to heaven. I don't know where I'm headed. Okay. This is something I have thought about. And you know, we're both Catholic, and you know. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like there's like a, there's just a positive energy field that you become part of. That's what I think it is. That's funny. Thanks, guys. We'll find out eventually. Sure. Favorite action movie? My favorite action movie? Does it like that Batman movie that Christian Bale was in with the Joker count? Well, I mean, yeah, yeah. The second one, I guess. Yeah, yeah. That one. That one, yeah. I'm not a huge action movie guy, but I think I'd go with that one. That's a very good one. Okay. Thank you. Was that right? Do I win? Judges? They're saying you're right. Okay. Oh, great. Yes. So what you've won is eight more questions. Okay. All right. Could have tapped out right there. Brave man. Window or aisle? Window. I am... I don't know if you know this about me. I have narcolepsy, so I can fall asleep at a second's notice. And I like to... I'll make this quick. I go right against the... I'll lean my face against that cool window, and I am asleep in no time. Wow. Nice. Favorite smell? My favorite smell is garlic and olive oil. That's... Amazing. Not too hot. Don't want to burn the garlic. No, yeah, no. Sure. Okay. Least favorite smell? Least favorite smell. You know when people leave their shirts in the dryer wet, and then they wear them to work, and they don't seem to notice that they stink all day? They're mildew. They have mildew. Mildew smell, yeah. Yes, yes. I don't understand it. I mean, if there's a rag in my house that has even a hint of that, I throw it right in the washing machine. That's my least favorite smell. You know, right now, there are people who work with you. Who are going, is he talking about me? I hope that's true. Okay. I hope that's true. What's your earliest memory? Earliest memory? Well, let's see. I remember, I think, I remember getting, you know, I was born in Mill Basin, and I lived there until I was nine. We moved to Vegas when I was nine. And I guess, you know, I found this little triangular rock, and I found a four-leaf clover. And I put them in a bowl, and I wished for a dog. And then we went to the King's Plaza Mall, and we bought a dog that we named Fluffy. And I think that's probably my first real memory. How old do you think you are there? I was probably four years old. That's lovely. Okay, cats or dogs? Oh, dogs, for sure. Presently have a dog? We have a dog, yes. We have a dog named Todd. Todd? Yes, Todd. I love dogs with human names. The rescue place named him Todd, and we couldn't come up with anything better than that. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it? Doesn't have to be continuously, but when you go to listen to music, this is the song you get to hear. What is it? Oh, well, that would make you hate the song, right? Well, depends on the song, I suppose. Yeah, yeah, I think any song you listen to, you have to listen. I think, I think I would say Fantastic. And you're friends with Huey, how nice. That is right, yeah. What number am I thinking of? Well, I've seen this before, so I have an idea of what that number is, but let me just look into your brain and see if I can figure it out. Listen, this is a good test because we do have the same job. I mean, we have a lot in common, you and I. We do, yeah, yeah. And so, is the number eight? No. You know what I saw when I looked in your eyes? Betrayal. Get used to it. Okay, Jimmy Kimmel, describe the rest of your life in five words. Oh, wow. Do you want to start over? Yeah, I'll start over. I'll start over. Fat, sleepy, lazy, slightly drunk. Congratulations, you are known. Jimmy Kimmel, everybody. We'll be right back.