CHILDREN THESE DAYS DRIVE ME CRAZY! _ Zarna Garg

You know, one of these Indian-American kids born and raised here and they were complaining about their overbearing, difficult-to-please parents. I realized, I was like, oh, I'm who they're talking about. You know, we have a nickname for these kids. We call them A-B-C-Ds. What does it stand for? American Born Confused Desis. What it should stand for is always bitching and complaining dum-dums. They whine about everything. They say, oh, our parents made us go to medical school. Yeah, we don't want you working for T-Mobile. We weren't allowed to go to summer camp. Yeah, and you weren't molested. No, you can't marry that waitress with a neck tattoo. And you didn't even agree to go on one date with my friend's daughter, Priya Kapadia. And these kids, they think we don't know anything. We're so old-fashioned. They have a nickname for us. They call us F-O-Bs, which stands for Fresh Off The Boat. What it should stand for is full of Benjamins. Because guess who's gonna subsidize the ceramics? And we don't know anything. We don't know anything. It's just a complete coincidence that every CEO in the world right now is Indian. Microsoft, Google, Twitter, Starbucks. And some white guys in there too, but I forget their names. But it's just a complete coincidence. You think those CEOs chose their own majors? You think those CEOs spent their summers swinging on a tire? You think their parents ever said to them, don't worry, be happy? What do these kids want us to say to them? Go be a DJ. Be a YouTuber. UPS is always hiring philosophers. Start practicing now. What can Brown do for you? But there is one aspect of American parenting that I really respect. It's how they handle their gay kids. Like our community is lagging behind. We have a lot of catching up to do. You know, my cousin's son just came out and that family was not supportive at all. They were like, not in our household, not in this family. And I called my cousin up. I said, you cannot talk to your son like this. You're going to lose him. And my husband was so impressed with me. He's like, your cousin's son is gay and you don't have a problem with that. I told him, it's not my kid, what do I care? So guess who stalks me on TikTok? My mother-in-law. No, she really does. And I tell her, can you not stalk me, please? She's like, I'm not stalking you. I go, you're only following one account. At least follow Priyanka Chopra Patel Brothers something. And you know, I go live on TikTok. Guess who comes on right after me? I'm like, can you get off? I'm going live to talk ---- about you. This is just for her. You guys feel free to stalk me. I'm at Zarnagar, okay? This is just her. You know, my mother-in-law, she lives in India, but she comes to America for three months at a time. It's like she has her own season. Winter is coming. And when she's coming, she'll ask me, what can I bring for you? And I'll tell her, pack a gun. Bring some cocaine. Throw some mangoes in the bag. I give her such great ideas, and yet she breezes past security. And she doesn't speak much English, so she gets nervous to fill out that immigration paper that you have to fill to enter the country. I tell her, I'm like, don't worry about the immigration paper. Just check yes on everything. Are you a communist? Yes. Are you a terrorist? Yes. Are you bringing fruits and vegetables? Yes. Do you think she's on a criminal watch list? No. She gets a wheelchair and a priority pass. The agent at the gate says, thank you so much for coming. Welcome to America. I know, welcome to America. Where are the go-back-to-your-country people when I need them? So I'm Hindu, you guys. Any Hindus in the house? Homies, my people. So I'm a reasonable, moderate Hindu. You have to specify that in the world we live in right now. It's just not my fault that it's the best religion out there. Right, the other religions seem so angry and organized. Like Christianity, confess before you die or else. Judaism, you took an elevator on a Friday night? No chicken soup for you. Buddhism, so much chanting. Even the Dalai Lama is like, I heard you yesterday. Islam, you're not gonna go there. The Hindus are like, eh, do the best you can. That's why we have reincarnation. Carpe diem or not. So I'm what I like to call Hindu light. I mean, we celebrate Diwali, but I do take out. You walk for three days, my mother-in-law's not here to spy on me. My little one, my little son goes to Hindu Sunday school, but I drop him and I go get mimosas with my friends. So I'm Hindu light, but my brother who lives back home, he's a believer. He goes to the temple every day in Mumbai and every day he FaceTimes me from the temple and he points the phone at Ganesh. And he says, quick, ask what you want from God today. How sweet, right? My brother, he's thinking about me and I'm a good person. I ask for nice things like cure cancer, end hunger, world peace, but every day, some days I get selfish. Some days I'm like, how about an air fryer?