Lavell Crawford - Who Is In Heaven_ (Michael Jackson, Prince _ Rick James)

It was supposed to be over, but God just let it run a little longer than it should have. We were supposed to be gone at Y2K, then we were supposed to be gone in 2012, still at the Mayans. We're still fuckin' here. I got a lot of Twinkies, I got duct tape, I got water. The world ain't fuckin' ended. We're still here. But it's gettin' kinda fucked up now, though. It's gettin' real fucked up now, though. We got fuckin' viruses and ----. We've been havin' fuckin' viruses. I don't know why this virus is so worse than the other. We done had a lot of ---- killers before. We had AIDS. Remember AIDS? AIDS was real fucked up. Nobody put no fuckin' mask on. They wouldn't even put a condom on. Oh, she ain't sick. She alright. She ain't sick. She don't even smell like she's sick. Yeah, he's screamin' real loud like he done that ----. Remember herpes? He had a big-ass fuckin' bump on his lip. Hey, man, you got herpes? No, that's actually bullshit. Your proactive really ain't workin'. You know what? Take your cups and your silverware home with you, you know. But now, COVID-19 is here, scarin' the **** outta everybody. It just came on the scene. **** cancer and leukemia. All those diabetes, all them diseases. COVID-19, which is on the back of a Lysol can. Got us all walkin' around lookin' like we about to rob a train. This is the only time you're supposed to wear a mask when you walk in the bank. I walk in the bank, sir, you can't come in here without a mask. I said, thank you for warnin' me, sir. I put my mask on. Everybody on the ground now! Everybody on the fuckin' ground now! I'm just glad he's robbin' us with a mask on. I'll at least be safe. I don't wanna get sick layin' on this floor. Because we was so stupid with this fuckin' mask. I'm so sick of you motherfuckers bein' fuckin' Put your mask on! Put yours on, ugly bitch! Get outta that stupid-ass ----. I mean, you gotta cover both air holes. Cover your mouth, cover your nose. I can't fuckin' breathe. I need one of them open, ************. What kind of bullshit is that? And they want you to put that cloth ---- on. You got a tampon on your fuckin' face. That ---- hurt. It's in your goddamn nose. You got a piece of metal in the ----. And then black folk, we change it up. Shit, I bling mine out, girl. I stood this ---- all over. God bless me, I'm blessed on it. We just go too goddamn far. We gon' pimp our masks. And say, you know, the mask is so stupid because people wear them outside in God's fresh air. Birds still fuckin' flyin' around. They're like, look at that dumb ************ out here with a mask on. That's God's fresh air. What the **** are you scared of outside? I mean, now, I mean, I can't get on board with this mask ---- unless I'm outside and a bird's gonna go, ah, boom. Then I'll be like, oh, ----. This ----'s for real. This is for real, Lord, help me, Jesus. But right now, **** that damn mask. I only wear it because I can't get in stores without it. Soon as I get in, I'll pull that bitch down and they'll be walkin' around, excuse me, sir. Ah, I'm so sorry. Did I have it on? It just fell down. I'm so sorry. This mask got a mind of its own. It don't work. If you can still smell a fart, you know these masks don't work. For real. I mean, for real, they don't work. I farted on a guy with a mask the other day. I lit him up too, man. I gave him one of them silent, but deadly ones right there. Ha! And it stank so bad, it looked like he came out with a knife in his hand. I was like, ooh, ooh, I ain't even gonna look at him. I ain't gonna even look at him. Hope he don't think it's me. I turn around, he look at me right in my damn face. I'm like, what's your problem? He said, did you just fart? I said, did you smell it? He said, yes, I did. I said, well, your mask is malfunctioning. And you should be saying thank you, because I just saved your life. Because if my fart get through that mask, Lord knows COVID-19 is following right behind it. I'm a hero today. This is the best time to fart, though. I mean, in public. It's like Fortopia out there, man. I be farting on groups of motherfuckers. Be cropped up. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. They don't even know it's me. I can just stand by and just let them ---- out. They're like, oh, my God, it must be a sewer main broke around here. And I be standing right there. Yes, this city is just falling apart. Because back in the day, when you had to fart, something would be bothering you. You had to find a secret space to fart, you know? You had to find a place. No one died. Now, like, in the grocery store, I find an empty aisle, usually where the disinfectant is, you know? Because if it stink too bad, I just spray some Lysol around, you know? You know, Lysol is so funny. It kills 99.9 motherfucking odors, but ---- ain't one. But it smell like this. It smell like, either you ---- a bunch of lemons or you ---- a tree. That's how it smell. I mean, I killed that aisle, man. I wiped that aisle. They need to put some cones down there. But then the always old, reliable, nosy ************ come right behind me. Oh, my God, we need a manager immediately. I think something died over here under these shelves. Sir, do you smell that? No, no, I do not. You don't smell that, sir? No, I do not. Smell it. And I got in there before I got arrested. Ha-ha. The beautiful thing is, we made it through all this bullshit. We made it through all this ----, and we realized we smarter than one, too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Everybody in here, ain't nobody can say their life was worse than nobody else's. We all went through it, ************. It all was bad for everybody. I thought Jesus was coming back, but I said, I guess he gonna wait because he's got to put a mask on. He gonna wait. For real, because I was ready to go to heaven. I know heaven off the chain. Kobe Bryant out there. You know, the basketball team undefeated. You know that. You know, there's good comedy out there. You got George Collin, Richard Pryor, Bernie Mac. Shit, comedy off the chain out there. They got good music. Aretha Franklin. Aretha Franklin out there. You got Prince, but God made him put on pants, you know? Michael Jackson out there, but he had to stay away from the small angels. Oh, **** you. **** all of you, because when he was on Earth, you son of a bitch said, yeah, he fucked them kids. Soon as he died. Oh, my God. I loved Michael Jackson like everybody else. I was the only fat kid on the block with a beanie jacket that didn't zip up. None of the zippers, I mean, none of the zippers. Even the side zippers, like... You're a pig. You know it. Yeah, everybody out there. I mean, hell, Whitney Houston might be out there. I ain't for sure. **** her. You know when she was on Earth, she had a little suspect ---- going on. They asked her, Whitney, we heard you bought some crack. Show me the receipt. Come on, now. Y'all blame poor Bobby Brown. Bobby Brown was a mess, but he didn't **** her up. They fucked each other up. You understand? Let's keep it real. Stop ******* fronting. Y'all be fronting too damn much. That's what's wrong with the ******* world today. You know? We fronting too much. Let's keep it the truth, man. I mean, we all know I ain't in heaven. When I get up there, I come back down. Yeah, Whitney up there. You know? She just like Rick James. Rick James up there part-time. Yeah. He up there part-time. Soon as he get done performing, all right, Rick, get back downstairs. You done performing. Last time we left you up here unsupervised, you snorted all the clouds. Keep going back downstairs. Fire and desire. Well, I'm glad you desire the fire, because that's where the **** you going. This ---- got hard on me, though, man. Before this ---- hit, I was the Lavelle Crawford. You understand me? The Lavelle Crawford. See, y'all don't understand. Who are you? I'm the Lavelle motherfucking Crawford. I was in D.C. last time at Stanley. Breaking Bad, TV show, lots of yin-yang. I was on the Dirty City Tour with Mike F. Hey. I appreciate the claps. And I appreciate you not clapping, sir. Thank you very much. I still don't know who the **** you are. Really? You done a lot of things. Yes, yes. I was the ******* Lavelle Crawford, but this pandemic hit. I used to walk around my house talking ----. I did. I used to walk around the house. You know why there's lights on in the house? Huh? You know why there's lights on in the house? Anybody know? These jokes keep these goddamn lights on in the house. Anybody else can tell a ******* joke and put some lights on? Anybody? Tell a joke and keep the lights on. Huh? I know you don't. You know why there's food in that refrigerator? You know why there's food in that ******* refrigerator? These jokes keep that food in the refrigerator. Anybody can tell a joke and keep the ******* food in it? I'm the big dog around here. That pandemic hit. I went from big dog to puppy dog real quick. I went from the Lavelle Crawford to veil like a ************. I walk around the house humble as hell. Like, what's up, big dog? No, not right now. No, no. No, I ain't big dog right now. I'm more like kitty cat. I ain't no. And I was being real nice. I was talking to my wife. I was like, hey, boo, you think I can get a little of that orange juice? She's talking to me like I won the kid. Didn't your ass just have some orange juice earlier like everybody else? Get some water, ************. Because your jokes didn't pay for this damn orange juice. But can your jokes take the trash out? Huh? Can your jokes take the trash out? Huh? Can your jokes cut the grass? I was crying like a son of a bitch. Why you forsaking me, Lord? I used to be the dealer of alcohol. I done fell off so fast. I didn't even go through the stages of drug abuse and alcohol. I didn't get a documentary. Hell, I didn't even get unsung on TV once, y'all. Why you do me like this, Jesus? And then my mama called. You need to call the unemployment office. Get your unemployment. I went for 30 city tours. Now I'm calling the unemployment office. My mama, stop, stop, stop all that bullshit crying. Shit, I called them. I got six months back stimulus plus my unemployment. I'm getting $2,200 every other week. I said, ----, what's that number again? I didn't even say hold on. I just clicked the **** over. A little black girl answered the phone. Yes, yes, this is Nakeisha at the unemployment office. How can I help you? I said, hi, Nakeisha. I heard you're giving people back stimulus money plus their unemployment. That's correct, sir. We're really helping people out. I'd like to help myself out, too. Can I get my money, too, sir? Let's get your name in the files and get you going. What's your name, sir? I went, Lavelle Crawford. She's like, the Lavelle Crawford. I just hung up the ******* phone. I said, this heifer's about to set me up. She's going to have me on Instagram Live and TMZ. Guess who just filed for his unemployment? The Lavelle Crawford. That's right, the Lavelle Crawford. When my cousin, who ain't worked in 30 years, said he was getting $3,500, I called Nakeisha right the **** back. I was like, hi, Nakeisha. You know who the **** this is, yes? This is the Lavelle Crawford. Could you put my name in them files so I can get my $3,500 right now? My ----'s still pending. I knew it was bad when they shut down the NBA. I was like, no. I was like, really? LeBron James makes $100 million a year. He can stop playing for 50 years, come back, and still got $200 million in the ******* bank. LeBron got so much money, his hairline does what he want it to ******* do. For real, it could be back hair, then it's up hair, then it's a bang, then it'd be a curly Q, it'd come down to be a mustache, then it's a goatee, then it's sideburns, then it's a shag. That's million-dollar hair right there. Shit, I don't got that kind of money hair. My hair won't even grow up here. It's like it's a no-trespassing sign up here. It'll grow on the sides, on my eyebrows, on my mouth, but it won't grow on the ******* top of my head. I got hair in my asshole. I don't even know why. I mean, like, am I growing a tail, you know what I'm saying? I'm about to call one of them hair transplant places, like Bozzie Medical and stuff, and say, can you transfer this out of my ass to my scalp? I'll be walking around brushing that ----. They'll be like, man, this stinks like ass around here. I don't know what you're talking about, but these waves are the ----. I'm about to get me a doo-doo rag. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. That didn't make me think it was bad when I was needing to cut down on MBA. What made me thought it was serious when I looked outside and seen this homeless man with a mask on, I was like, wait a minute. What does Pissy Joe know? Oh, ----. He was just eating out of that dumpster yesterday.