Bill Burr_ Why I Want To Adopt A Child Soldier 🤣💀🔥 _ Stand-up Comedy

Yeah, think globally, act locally. Everything doesn't have to be brand new, you know? It's like when you redo your kitchen. You got custom up top, you got Ikea down the bottom, right? I'd love to adopt, it's a great thing to do, but if I do it, I'm not telling any of my friends. I'm just gonna show up with the kid one day just to piss him off, right? Mine just turned six, mine just turned seven. I'd love to just show up with an eight-year-old like, dominoes! Tell you what you don't understand. Seven-year-old, where do they turn eight? Eight is such a funny age. Terrible, too, try the instant eights, which is bam, they're just there like. It's all their issues. Dude, I should do it though. I should adopt, I think it's a great thing to do, and I already know what I wanna get. I wanna get like an 07, 08. Always garage, good dentition. You know what I would love to do? I'd love to rescue some kid that works in a sweatshop. Wouldn't that be amazing? Like, find the kid that made this shirt. You show up at the factory like, hey, huh? Maniac, how you doing? L-shaped couch, flat screen TV, get in the car. The rest of you keep going, but you! Come home with me. Dude, how easy, how easy would that kid be to raise? Right, after the hell he's been through, all I gotta do is let him sit down. I am immediately the greatest human being this kid has ever met. Just bring him home, hey man, have a seat. He'd be like, I get to sit down? Yeah, lay down on the couch. He'd be like, it's like a cloud, it's like a cloud. Yeah, I'll get him a bowl of Fritos, put on cricket or soccer, one of those sweatshop sports, I don't know. So that's my first draft pick, all right? Coming out of the gate with that. In the second round, I'd probably get like a, I'd probably get like an 05 boy soldier, you know? Yeah, sure, off the offensive line. You gotta protect the blind side. Yeah, that's how fucked up the world is. There's little boys out there fighting in wars. So that's a twofer. I can drag him out of that hell, give him something of what's left of his childhood, and God forbid, if the dollar ever collapses, right? Shit goes south, zombies take over. I got backup, you know? Everybody thinks I'm gonna be the problem. Meanwhile, I got this sawed off Chuck Norris. Standing next to me, 170 kills. Confirmed ******* kills. Not stories. They make a flamethrower out of like a vacuum cleaner and a toaster. You can't coach that, right? I gotta be honest with you. I feel like I'd have to go easier on the discipline with the boy soldier, you know? I might be nuts, but I feel like I could come down on the sweatshop kid, all right? I'd say, get in there and clean up your goddamn room. I'm getting sick of this ----. Goes for you too, if you want. But you, been all day, mister. Don't even start, don't even start that ----. Don't even start that ----. You say that every time. Yes, you do. Every ******* time you say that, you know the answer. Now, you want me to say it again? Fine, I'll break it down to you, okay? You know what? You know why I did it? You know why? You wanna know why? Because you're so, all right? Yeah. Yeah, dude, you so. Dude, he's ******* killed people. You understand that? No, he doesn't. He doesn't have to make his bed too. No, he doesn't. Because he doesn't sleep in the bed, he's out in the bushes all night, talking to himself, freaking me the **** out. All right? Oh, **** you, **** you. He scares me too. Don't even start that ----. You wanted a big brother, and I got you one. Don't even start that ----, all right? All right, you're right, you're right. Okay, stop crying. Stop crying, okay? Shouldn't have yelled at you. Okay, I just thought I could *******, you know, bring him in, you know, give him a couple of Pop-Tarts. I figured he'd chill out. ------- sitting there, looking through his eyebrows, doing that full metal jacket ----, you know? Nah, you can't give him back. It doesn't work that way. Oh, hey, there he is! There he is, what's up, bud? Hey, we were just talking about you, you know? Just, you know, just doing like a little surprise thing. You feeling all right? You're not looking through those eyebrows, huh? Everything okay? So, I figure, but I was afraid it was gonna make you gay. And I was like, you were afraid? You were afraid? And then she goes, well, it was your father. That's what it was. Protecting him like I always do. He was afraid. He said, you don't know how to raise boys, and if you hug them, that's what's gonna happen. So, in a marriage, there's compromises, so. Yeah, so she basically never hugged us, because my dad said if she did, it was gonna make us gay. And I gotta tell you, that was a great thing that my dad did for me. Let me finish before you start blogging, okay? And I end up on a split screen on Good Morning Atlanta, you know? Comedy, can it go too far? Last night of the Sabbath happened. Sitting there next to some ******* Cheeto-eating blogger. So, yeah, this is the deal. I'm gonna defend my dad here, because this is basically what happens when you have a kid. As far as I know, I don't have any kids, but as far as I would think, if you have a ******* kid, what do you wanna do? You wanna improve on your childhood, okay? You wanna keep the ---- that your parents did that worked, and then you wanna get rid of the stuff that didn't work. So, that was my dad, as fucked up as that was, that was his improvement on his childhood that he never talks about the way a veteran doesn't talk about going to war, you know? So, I figure if that was his improvement on his childhood, his childhood just must have been something like, don't change his shitty diaper, let him figure it out for himself. Get out in the rain, you shitty baby! Hey, let me handle this, lady! Why are you still standing here, you ---- toddler? He took it from that and knocked it down to, don't hug him, it's gonna make him gay, all right? And then maybe someday I ever have a kid, I'll whittle it down to, like, hey, he's not taking drama class, all right? He's not taking drama class, because I said so, lady, let me handle this! I won't fix everything. Yeah, and that's not a homophobic thing either, that I wouldn't send my hypothetical son to drama class, okay? It isn't. I would send, I'd let my hypothetical daughter take a drama class, okay? My son can't ******* do any of that ---- unless I'm sending him to one of those fame high schools, you know, where everybody's doing it, one of those creative schools, go to the cafeteria, everybody's like, cottage cheese, what is it made of, right? Like, all he wants. And he can do all the **** he wants, but there's no way I'm letting him do that in a public school with those goddamn animals. He's gonna get the ---- kicked out of him, gonna come home with his underwear up his ass, and then I have to be the adult and go down to the principal and be like, oh, there's some sort of top pool around here. I don't wanna do that. I wanna find the ******* eight-year-old, what is he, this tall? I wanna find the kid that did it to my kid, tip him upside down into some sand or a puddle, anywhere where oxygen is gonna be an issue, right? And just leave him there, right? You wait till that one leg just starts shaking so you know he's down to his last breath, and then you turn him upside down, you're upside right, you grab him by his throat, you just say something horrific. You ever do that again, I'm gonna beat your mother to death with the family dog. Yeah, I got married. That's the big thing. Yes, I did. Very happy about that. I'm very happy about that because it was starting to get weird, you know? It's like 45 years old, oh, my girlfriend, yeah, we're gonna go out and get some pop, you know? Going to parties, it was just weird because I hang out with people my age, you know, and they all got married, they all had kids, and I just couldn't contribute when people were standing around talking about marriages and kids, you know? I felt like a little kid, they're sitting there going like, oh, the superintendent of the mayoral candidate will be bicoastal bipartisan with the Middle Eastern crisis, and it's just, it's an advanced learning program, the deadline's May 11th, if you have to stop the bullying with the superintendent of the mayoral candidate. And a conversation would come around to me, I felt like I was like eight years old. I'd just be like, did anybody see the YouTube video? Raccoon stole the cat's food, and the cat was scratching him, and the raccoon didn't care, he just came in like this, like George Foreman, and then he reached out, he had hands, all of a sudden he had hands, I didn't know they had hands. He scooped it up, and he ran away on paws. Do you guys know they had hands? Yeah, so now I'm married, so the next move is you're supposed to have a kid, which I would love to do, but I'm 46 years old. I'm just thinking it's too ******* late, you know? Come on, man, I'm gonna have a kid, I'm gonna die of natural causes when the kid's in fifth grade, right? Throwing him a Frisbee, we used to use these on the Saturdays, I had to do a face plant. My kid's standing there, mom, dad's sleeping again. Yeah, I feel hopelessly behind. All my friends have kids. Most of my friends who have kids are cool, but I got a couple of those who think now that they have a kid, that I don't understand anything anymore. You know those people? Most basic ----. Hey, man, it's kind of cold out today. Oh, dude, you don't understand. You don't understand cold, so you got a two-year-old with a mitten up his ass and you're trying to get chocolate off the other one's face. All right, all right, I get it, I get it. You have a more complex life, but I still understand being cold. Teeth chattering.