BEING A MOM IN MY 40s_ Mo Welch

Anyways, I'm a mom. Oh, thanks. A little whistle for the mom, a little cat call. Hey, we need it, too. I am a mom. I had a baby right before the pandemic. It was bad timing. I had a geriatric pregnancy, which basically means I'm a bit of an old mom. They call it advanced age pregnancy now, which I think sounds worse somehow. But I do highly recommend having a baby at an older age if you like to pee and walk at the same time. You guys are in the splash zone right here, huh? I think this is adorable. The teachers at my daughter's daycare, they say that they know who has the older parents because when the toddlers get up, they make noise. Just the most adorable scene. Just all these two-year-olds like, ah! Oh, to be one again. The kids that have young parents, they say things like, when I grow up, I want to be a firefighter, not my daughter. She's like, anything with a good pension. Yeah, that'll do. I learned a lot about, I had the baby. My wife scammed me. It's a long story. She basically saw me have the baby and then changed her mind about her having the baby after me, and I'm thinking about suing her. I learned a lot when I was pregnant. I learned that my friends are dumb. It's not their fault. I am friends with all stand-ups. I was five, maybe six months pregnant when I told a friend of mine, I said, hey, great news, I'm pregnant. And her first question right out of the gate was, are you gonna keep it? How you think I made this baby? With my wife? Fully planned. Not a mistake. Like, I didn't get so drunk and wake up one morning. It's like, oh my god, what happened last night? I got so drunk. Did I pay a fertility doctor $12,000? No. So many steps to the process. My daughter will never have, like, the grit of a child made by mistake. There were so many steps. We had to get a lawyer. One of the things they made us do, our fertility clinic, they made us all go to therapy. We had to. I had to go to therapy, my wife had to go, our sperm donor had to go, and at the time it felt like a mild hate crime. But now, in retrospect, I'm like, that's not a bad idea. Like, maybe anyone who wants to procreate should have to go to therapy first. Like, yeah, it's my shark tank pitch. Of course, if that were the case, none of us would be here tonight. It's, yeah. Can't imagine my mom and my dad going to therapy. Yeah, it really makes me giggle. My mom is my best friend, that's for sure. Yeah. Yes, actually. Yes. She is my best friend. Her stories are insanely boring. They are so, they are getting out of control boring. So detailed. I don't know if your parents are like this. Her stories have to start at the very beginning of the day. The very, like, even if she's telling me a statement from her life, she has to start at when she woke up. She'll be like, oh, yeah, so I woke up at 5 o'clock in the morning. The thunderstorms are really bad rolling in from Chicago, so I couldn't sleep. So I went downstairs and I decided I was gonna make myself some eggs, and I got some scrambled eggs because Dr. Kyle said that I need to get more protein. He actually moved his offices. They're not in Lombard anymore. They're in Oak Brook now, which is nice because it's by the pottery barn and by the drive-thru Panera Bread. But yeah, and then, and then Callie needed to take a walk because her bladder is not doing well. And so I decided to put on my Brooks Gym shoes. I've been wearing those in case there's any precipitation outside. It's really good grip. And then I've been using the Hoka's as my jogging shoes. For the runners group. And then I've been using this new brand called On for my formal gym shoes. 45 minutes into this story, we are not even at 11 a.m. in her day. I said, mom, what is this story about? Oh, Cheryl got lupus. Cheryl got lupus? Okay, I can see how the gym shoes would, okay, yeah, I'm seeing the map now. That makes sense. I love my mom, but she was like, at the beginning of learning that I was gay, she was not good. She did not start off good. Okay, because my brother, he came out to her a year before me. And when my brother came out to my mom, she said, oh no, you're not gay. You're just like Ace Ventura. We still don't know what that means. Ace Ventura? Like a pet detective? I don't understand. So then by the time I got to her, I said, mom, I'm gay. And she said, oh God, not another one. As if I caught some sort of old-timey Irish plague. She's like, oh, saints preserve us. Not another Farget. Oh, no. Not another Farget. I didn't think it could Maureen. And there's five kids in my family. There's two gays, and there's three boring ones. Two gays and three others. And for a while, we were the favorites. My mom came around, she realized we're better, and the two gays were on top, and the three straights were on the bottom, where they belong. And then that was ruined because my brother messed it up for the both of us. My brother went to my mom, and then he came out as a furry. It's okay if you don't know what that is. A furry is like a mascot for a team, but there is no team. And sometimes those furries have sex. They furk, and let it be known that I came up with the word furk. If I brought anything to humanity, it's furking. Yeah, my brother is a furry, and at this point my mom's like, whatever happened to a good old-fashioned family secret?