Why Loving Them Isn’t Always Enough: And What Actually Changes Things

Hello, lovely people. Coach Adrian here back for Ask Coach Adrian Live, my weekly space every Thursday, 1 p.m. Eastern, where we get to interact, spend quality time together, where I answer your real life questions. And I'm so delighted to be able to continue the streak. I wanted to start off by saying that I apologize to so many of you who have been sending me emails who are expecting a response from me. I have been down for the count, feeling pretty sick over the last few days. And thankfully I'm on the mend. I was able to get into the studio today. So I am feeling better and I'm excited to be able to get back into the swing of things. And I wanted to do this live on why loving them isn't always enough. Because one constant with everyone that I've worked with over the last decade is that there's no shortage of love for an ex. Sometimes you may feel a little bit resentful, bitter, angry, but one thing is for sure, you have very strong feelings and it's difficult to understand why this person that you love isn't willing to give you another chance if you're willing to do literally anything to win them back. And what I've learned and what I've had to convey to countless people all over the world over the last 10 years is that it's not just about love and what you're prepared to do. It's also about trust and how this person sees you and how this person sees a potential future with you. And so the more you actually focus on rebuilding yourself on what you can control, the more you can lay the foundation for healthy love to flourish where this person doesn't feel like they're doing you a favor, but they feel inspired by you again, where they see the person that they fell for at the beginning of the relationship and they see what is in their best interest to be with you. And so this is at the heart of the message that I wanted to share with you guys today to make sure that you don't get really blinded by the feelings that you have for this person and how those feelings are channeled and how they manifest themselves because oftentimes that is then conveyed in a way that feels like pressure, that feels like desperation, that feels like manipulation and it becomes overwhelming for an ex who just wants a safe space to be able to make decisions for themselves and to reconnect with you on their terms in a way that feels natural, that feels safe, that doesn't feel like pressure, that somehow they owe you something. And that is very, very important for you to not only assimilate and understand, but also for you to have that at the forefront of your mind as you put steps in place to move past the pain of the breakup and to reinvent yourself, to live with purpose, to find your purpose independently of a future relationship with this person that you love. I want to give a special shout out to Casey. Casey always live with us. Thank you for your support, dear Casey. It is a pleasure to be live with all of you. As you know, during my Ask Coach Adrian lives, I answer real questions of real people, just like Casey, just like yourself from all over the world who feel perhaps like you're stuck or you want a little bit of insights to understand what the next best step is for you and your breakup recovery based on your exact circumstances. And so there's a form, it's pinned in the comments. It will be put in the description of this video as well. You can find it in the community tab. You can find it if you really want to look for it, where you can share your questions, your situations, if you would like me to consider addressing your questions in my next week's live. So the first question that we are going to address today comes from Rhys in Reading, England. And Rhys said, what do I do in my situation? We have two kids, it's been 10 months. When I drop them off or when I show up, I try to do favors for her and I provide advice, links to things that are not related to the children, personal stuff. Yet I've done this for 10 weeks and when I asked if she wanted to grab a coffee, she ignored me. I feel like I keep showing up yet I'm not getting the same on her end or doesn't feel like things are progressing. So Rhys, thank you for your heartfelt question. I empathize. You know, it's not easy to navigate a post breakup dynamic and to be in breakup recovery, especially when there are children involved, especially when you have to communicate for the wellbeing of the children. And Rhys really highlights a dynamic that is very, very common, where one person, usually you, the person that is broken up with and who wants to make things work, goes above and beyond to be helpful, to be there to support them emotionally or with logistics or with administrative tasks. And you do it because you care, because you love them, but also out of your good will, but yet that is not reciprocated by your ex. And so you feel shortchanged. You feel like, you know, it doesn't feel like a fair, balanced dynamic. And so you either get resentful or desperate and you start to push. And thank God, Rhys doesn't seem like Rhys became desperate, but there's some frustration there. I'm doing what I can. I'm being supportive. I'm trying to move past the pain and not be bitter. And yet it's met with this hot and cold behavior. So it's important for you, if you find yourself in this situation, to learn to set your own boundaries, just because you love them, just because you care, just because you want to be helpful, doesn't mean that you have to say yes to everything. And you have to really be self-aware so that you don't get taken advantage of. And it is okay for you to say no, it is okay for you to have other priorities. And in order for it to not feel weird or manipulative, my suggestion is for you to set goals, to seek to look and precise with the things that you need to do for your healing process, for you to be able to find, you know, to live a life of purpose and to create that identity post breakup so that when you're pulled into a dynamic or a conversation with your significant other, or this person, in this case, the co-parent, you can say, Hey, you know, I would love to, but right now I have these things that I've committed to so that you're not always putting, you know, things that are important to you on the back burner in order to meet your partner's needs. It is also okay for you to say, Hey, you know, I would love to support you. I'm so happy that we're on good terms, but I need time. I need time to process. And, you know, maybe you need to go and seek counsel or advice from a friend, a parent, because, you know, we are friends, but we're also ex-husband and wife or ex-partners, and I think we need time to be able to figure things out on our own before we have these emotional conversations or before we are of support to one another in that way. And if you do it with conviction, with confidence, and you're able to uphold this boundary, you're going to feel more empowered and you're going to give your significant other an opportunity to value you, an opportunity to understand what's at stake, what they've lost so that they don't feel like they have the best of both worlds. They can just lean on you when they want to. And then when it's no longer convenient, they kind of push you away. Also, don't take things personally, right? Perhaps what you suggested, Reese, of going for a coffee was interpreted as a date or, you know, as getting back together and not just a moment of reconnection. So you need to learn also from that approach, what could you have done so that your partner, Reese, doesn't feel so guarded and the walls come up in your approach? How could you have alleviated the pressure so that it was a natural thing to go and spend time together? Perhaps to talk about a specific need around it rather than this open-ended, let's spend time together that may feel like pressure to your significant other. So this is for you, Reese. I hope this is helpful. Please let me know. Um, I want to hear your feedback. Like, does this make sense? Can you try to implement some of these things so that we can continue to track your progress from one week to the next? The next question comes from Montreal and Marco says, what do I do in my situation? We have two kids. It's been 10 months. Um, when, Oh, I messed up Marco. I'm so sorry with my copy paste. It's still Reese's message that I see here. Let me see if I can quickly pull that up. What did Marco say? Let me pull it up. That's what happens when you're live. I want to make sure that I address your question, Marco. So I'm going to go back through the form. When I prepared my notes, I messed up with my copy and paste. What does Marco in Montreal say? Marco in Montreal says, hi, Adrian. Since the last time we spoke, I've sent my ex an accountability letter. Since I had some things I wanted to resolve on my side and have occasionally reached out to her casually. It's been a while now since the last time I've reached out, but still she's very much silent. My mom has seen her a few times and apparently she's not doing well at all. But I haven't heard back from her. How can I rebuild trust? Thank you, Marco, for your beautiful question. So, um, this is remember that the main topic of the live today is why loving them isn't always enough. And here, this is a perfect, uh, example of a situation where Marco not only, um, loves this person very much, uh, has been able to overlook, you know, some of the, some of his own pain and is genuinely, honestly, authentically just trying to be there for this person, but he's facing a wall and it's not because Marco isn't enough. It's not because Marco isn't lovable. It's because this person that Marco loves is carrying very heavy traumas, big burdens. And so this person needs to also face their challenges. They need to grow. They need to bring themselves to account in order to be in a position to nurture healthy love. So yes, I salute your efforts, Marco, to want to rebuild, uh, trust, but ultimately you need to accept that there are certain things that fall outside of our control. And this person needs to take accountability for themselves. You cannot save them. And it's wonderful that you've, um, you know, sent out this accountability letter, I encourage you to check in from time to time without any pressure, without any expectations, just to extend an olive branch, to let her know that, uh, you're here, uh, you care, uh, just well wishes without any pressure or expectation, because this person clearly isn't able to articulate what they need because perhaps they don't have the solutions yet. So it's not just because you love them and you want to solve things, doesn't mean that you can do it on your own, especially when there is mental health issues, severe traumas, or when someone is not able to also grow after a breakup. And I think that this is where you need to take a step back and not be too present because it can become a burden. It can just be a constant reminder to their ex, to your ex, that they're not good enough, that they're not able to, to, to respond to your kindness and your love and your compassion in a way that, uh, you deserve. And so they're going to feel more guilty. They're going to shut down even more. And then it's a catch 22. So in essence, Marco, you're not doing anything wrong. You're just be patient, focus on what you can control. Give this person space, dear Chalita in New York. We've just started working together. Um, but she had submitted her question before we, before booking a private coaching with me. So I just wanted to honor that. Um, she says, uh, ex reached out like, uh, and he was confused after that. Still believe that, uh, we can build something meaningful together. Is it possible to have him come back? So when an ex, when your ex reconnects with their ex, it's always a funky dynamic, right? And, um, obviously it's hurtful. Um, and sometimes you're afraid because there's an emotional connection that has been established there. There's a history. And so I encourage you to not panic, to not latch on and to trust in what you bring to the table. That's what I basically conveyed to Chalita. And we're going to focus on building her back up so that he can realize what he's lost because that ex that he's going back to isn't healthy. It's toxic. She just wants validation. He knows that he's making a mistake. Chalita just can't be too available, right? Chalita, you cannot just be there waiting for him to come back. If he wants intimacy, if he wants validation, you need to have self-respect and which you do and lay hard boundaries to force him to commit to you the right way. And it will happen. I have no doubt because we are already walking that path. The next question comes from Aaron in Sydney. And Aaron says, I took my ex for granted, slipped back into old habits and failed the one year reconnection attempt when all was going well, my ex ended it. Is there hope? Yes, Aaron, there's absolutely hope. So it's normal to have setbacks in the process of breakup recovery. It's not always smooth sailing. And it is important for you to not get discouraged. It is a process of learning. When we learn, we make mistakes. It's okay. The important thing is for you not to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. And to make sure that you don't fall back into old dynamics of begging, pleading, latching on or desperation, because that will push her away further and further. But as long as you're able to learn and continue to grow and evolve, of course it is still possible. It is not hopeless. And I invite you to reach out to me, Aaron, if you feel like you need more support to put a plan in place so that you understand the specific next steps for you based on where you are right now. But a year is a long time. I'm sure you've done a lot of work. So all hope is not lost. Finally, the last question comes from Lita in Patterson, America, United States. How to stop thinking, stop calling. And, um, so from what I understand, um, the question is how do you not get in your own head? How do you not get overwhelmed? How do you not let those feelings of love overwhelm you? And it's important for you to make sure that you focus on rebuilding that post breakup identity. Who are you outside of this relationship? Who are you outside of this person's validation? If this person was out of your life permanently, what would your life look like, what would you do, what would be some of your focus, what would be your goals, what would, how would you spend your time, because that is going to really anchor you, you're going to learn to get validation from within instead of looking to him to validate you. And that's how you can rebuild your attraction and get him to chase you. Lita and you can do it no matter how difficult it may seem. You can do this. And I'm here to support you as well. So I wanted to leave you with this quote. Reconnection is not built on effort, love, or history alone. It's built on emotional safety, timing, and readiness. And those are things that you can control. And that is what fighting the good fight is all about. So please don't hesitate to share your questions, your circumstances, your challenges through the form so that I can address your real life questions next week, a week from today in my next Ask Coach Adrian Live number six. I look forward to it. Hopefully I'll be better. I'll be fully healed by then. Again, my apologies to all of you who are waiting to hear back from me via email. I'm going to get back on that right now. And I'm excited to continue to support all of you and to continue to fight the good fight together. All right. Much love. See you next week.