Losing Your Patience We Help You Find It

Welcome to Stroller Coaster, a podcast that takes you on the wild ride of parenting, created by Munchkin, the world's most loved baby lifestyle brand. Munchkin makes innovative products for babies and children so parents can enjoy all the little moments. That's what Stroller Coaster is all about. I'm Lynn Smith, and I'm here with my co-host, Justin Tyler. Hi, Justin. Hey, Lynn. How are you doing? Are you feeling patient today? Yeah, that's a difficult question as a parent. I think this episode is really going to strike a nerve. It certainly did for me as a parent. Just an example, last night, I am patient all throughout the day. We had a big travel day, and it's the end of the evening. Each of the boys want me to come lay in their room and read a story. They won't go in the same room together. Of course, sibling rivalry, we've done another episode about that. Finally, I just lost my patience. I was like, that's it. I'm not going in anyone's room. It's one of those things where you feel like you're fighting all day to stay patient, remain calm, do all of the parenting techniques, many of them what we talk about in this episode. But finally, at a certain point, you just explode, and it boils over. Yeah. I mean, for me, it's a recent example, just on a workday, kids home from school, want to do some beading, a little bit of beadwork. And so I'm there trying to answer an email, doing some beading with my hands, and all of a sudden, the bead box, the most disastrous thing to spill in the entire house, goes everywhere. And you just feel, I feel like a cartoon where there's red going up my entire face and steam coming out my ears. I mean, these are the examples. I know that all of you have probably thousands of these examples. So this is why this is one of my favorite episodes. It's also because this is the kind of episode where we learn the kind of tools that we can use immediately with our kids. And that's the case today when it comes to patients. So in a little bit, we have a story of a parent whose patient is tested when she least expects it. I really saw myself in this story. But first, we're gonna hear from an expert who has some really smart insight on patients. Dr. Jenny Wu, she's a Harvard educator. She also teaches emotional intelligence at UC Irvine, and she has three kids of her own. So she certainly knows and understands patients. Let's get right to it. Dr. Wu, we're talking about patients today, which is ironic because I've lost all of my patients just a few moments ago. First, just paint the picture for us. What does it mean to lose your patients with your children? Yeah, you know, when I'm on the same page, I've got three kids and a singleton and twins. So at one point, especially three under three, all in diapers. So where did our patients go? Dr. Wu. Oh, my goodness. You're the expert in this then. That's stressful just to hear, just to hear those numbers. Exactly. Been through the stress test and still going, right? So to paint the picture, patients is really our ability to delay what we need, right? To deal with those frustrations ourselves as a parent and teaching our kids at the same time how to do that. Yeah. I mean, that's the hard part is that it's hard enough for us to control our patients. So when we're in that moment, and I'll just sort of paint one example. You know, this morning trying to get out the door, I was like, we got to go. We got to go. And then I just had to raise my voice and say it again, get out the door. Or I just lost my patience with them. And that set the tone for the entire rest of the morning, which wasn't good. So what do we do when we've lost it? In the moment, right, checking of our patients is the hardest part. We want to be proactive. But like you said, things are unpredictable. On a Monday morning, that's just how it goes. So what I love to do is really grounding technique. The first thing is, honestly, just filter yourself, pause. That's the best way. Deep breath. Take a pause. Take a deep breath. And use it as a teachable moment, because it is stressful, not just for you, but also having that perspective into our kids' lives, right? They're groggy. They're tired. And they're kind of like disoriented. So just knowing that, keeping that in mind, and really thinking, how important is this? And what are the true consequences? How urgent? How important, right? So resetting your own expectations in that moment. They're just little kids. They've been on this world for like three years or five years, right? They're just learning along with you as a new parent. And so that, and then grounding, this is where distraction actually works out really well. Whereas, I will look around my environment and just say, I see something I can see, something I can smell in the air, is it the breakfast? Something I can touch, something I can hear. And one of the latest thing that I've been doing is honestly just humming. Ooh, I love this. It's like all about getting into your senses to take your mind away from maybe what is the frustration. Are you saying, so you want to be more present? Is that what you're saying? Like sort of touch the environment kind of a thing? You know, it is very sensorial, right? But believe it or not, there's research around how humming can help you reduce stress by stimulating your vagus nerve. And Elmo actually did a humming PSA song lately. It's the cutest thing. Elmo and friends, you have to Google it. And I contributed to this article about the research behind it, but it really, it runs through your vocal cords inner ear and that vibration of humming can really soothe down your nervous system, lower your stress hormones, just kind of like deep breathing, right? Resetting. And the cool thing is, you know, when your kids might not want to be breathing deeply with you, they might hum a song. That's what I was thinking. You could almost teach your children this technique while you're doing it to calm yourself down. Exactly. It's a great teachable moment. And our goal is not to be patient at all times. It's impossible. It's a finite resource, right? And it's really teaching our kids, how do you deal with those moments of frustration? We're not trying to shield them. That's not how life works, right? It's about the coping superpowers that they can have when they have to wait in line or wait to be called on at school, right? So it's entirely practical and useful. It kind of seems like our kids know exactly how to push our buttons. They kind of like try our patience, just needling. Can you give us maybe a mindset shift on that? Because they're kids, they're not trying to do anything. Are they just seeking attention? Yeah, yeah. They are very much kids. And they just want to be loved and hugged for the hundredth time and ask you, why? And are we there yet? And watch this. Watch this. Exactly. They want to share those special moments with you, right? They are delighted to help you experience what they're experiencing, which is great, right? We want communicative kids. But unfortunately, especially when they're little, they are overly communicative. So you're experiencing everything they're experiencing. And so that is why, right? So it feels like, oh my gosh, can you just be quiet? Stop asking me the same thing, right? But that's who they are. So the mindset shift is leveling your expectations that that is how it's going to be. You can't really change them, right? But what you can do is modify your own behavior, your own interpretation of those things. Justin, this exact thing happened to me. You know, I work from home and my five-year-old came up to me and I'm typing away at emails and he's like, mom, look at my shark tooth. He doesn't understand what I'm doing. And I felt like I completely lost all patience with him. I mean, I'm sure you work from home as well. What do you do when the girls are kind of like, dad, dad, dad? It's the same thing. And that's why I find myself saying, just be patient, be patient. But do kids even understand the concept of that? Exactly. That's a great point, right? Kids need clear, simple, concrete language. And honestly, to say, just be patient, it means nothing to them. I knew it. Right? And so again- See, you've been doing it wrong the whole time. So wrong. Well, okay. Here's what you can do, especially for little ones, right? And this goes into building more patience. And then your question about how can we be more proactive, right? To not lose our patience and where did it go? Is really to already find activities that could engage them while you're asking them to be patient. So we may be typing away on the laptop in an email and they want to show you something. The reality is we can't be there with them at that moment every single time. They just need to learn how to deal with it, right? But what you could do is point to a Play-Doh or a box of Legos or something and give them choices. Say, you know, give mommy five minutes, I'm going to be done and I'll look at your stuff, but can you play the Legos or build a Play-Doh of a bunny? I want to see the bunny you built, right? So we got to give them concrete things to occupy their own impatience in an age-friendly way. That's such a good idea because it only takes a few seconds for you to give them choices. It's not like you have to stop what you're doing and pay attention. It's, listen, five minutes and then I'll be finished. So such good advice there. What about patience when it comes to our partner, right? So we might feel like we use up all of our patience on our kids. And is there a way for us to maybe bank some patience so that everyone gets some attention? Yeah, I love how you say banking, right? Because we should really think about patience as energy management. We only have so much, right? So how can we bank some energy? But with that said, here's what I do with my partner. I actually use my time, allocate my time with him to bank more time and in a sense to recharge and refuel together when our patience are running low. Obviously, you're not going to schedule a meeting and talk about the day and the stressors and all that stuff, right? Because that's going to drain your patience with each other like, honey, you got to wash the dishes. You got to do this, right? But it's really about just take a walk outside, have some fresh air, even just in the backyard, stand there, right? Yes. Admire the sky. It can be something simple, yes. Yes, as simple as it can be. And you know what? This is where hugs and kisses really help. And if the kids are off to bed at a decent hour, watch a comedy show together, right? And so it is hard to bank that patience with your loved one, but you can use it strategically in a way to rebuild up your patience together. Sometimes I feel like I internally lose my patience where I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm going to lose it. I'm going to lose it. But I seem patient. And then I actually physically losing my patience, right? Like, okay, come on, everyone in the car. Are there different techniques for each of those moments of how to calm yourself down? Yeah, you know, that's a great point because, you know, the way to calm ourselves down and to refuel our patience is really related to compassion. And that has to do with compassion for other people, how patient we are with other people, and our self-compassion, how patient we are with ourselves. And you know, when it's amazing that, you know, as parents, we could just be losing it inside and keep such a stoic face outside, right? But at some point that is- The grimacing face where we're like, I'm good, I'm fine, I'm so fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's fine. Yeah, if they could only tap into like our inner voice, right? So that's where we have to check our own inner voice and how we talk to ourselves. And you know, it is about refueling and you do that through compassion. So you can say, you know, it is the crappy moment right now. I am doing the best I can, you know, so that refuels our self-compassion, how patient we are with ourselves and how we're not judging, right, ourselves. And then also being compassionate with our kids, like changing the mindset, you know, and you could say the fact that we're all healthy and happy, you know, for the most part and giggly and giddy and silly, right, life is pretty good. So having those recheck-ins with yourself about yourself and others really help you refuel. Let me see if I can sort of contextualize this. You're saying like being more honest with yourself or like aware, like in touch with reality can maybe build some compassion for your outer patients. Is that what you're saying? Yes. It's normalizing everything, right? Parents of small children just have it bad right now. We're at that dip of on the bell curve where things are just not going great and that's how it should be, right? So simply accepting it, right, normalizing it. It's not just me, it's everybody. Accepting that, Justin, like you mentioned, is acknowledgement is going to help us. Dr. Wu, this has been so insightful. The biggest takeaway for me is like patience is an energy. It can either increase or decrease and you have to pay attention to it in order to make sure that it's balanced. Thank you so much for your insights. Well, thank you for having me. I would say, Justin, this is maybe one of the hardest things in parenting for me is patience. Yeah. Maintaining patience. I am fully aware that if I remain patient, that it will diffuse the situation. And it's something I constantly have to remind myself because it's just emotions keep elevating. And whether it's with my partner or whether it's with my kids, I have to constantly remind myself. And I think what this episode teaches us is like the motivation to do it because it works. It helps to diffuse those situations. Yeah. And it must have been nice to hear from Dr. Wu, what she was saying about that you're going to lose your patience and that using those moments to really make them teachable moments for your kids, as well as for yourself to repair after it's happened, as opposed to just like being mad at yourself the whole time. And I've done it. It really works with your children. I've said to my son, you know, mommy wasn't that patient, was she? And I really am going to try and work on that. Is there anything that you think that you could work on in this situation too? And those conversations, you earn trust with your kids when you approach it like that. I can see my daughters relax when I sort of admit something, especially if it's like, if we're having an argument about something, when I'm like, you know what? I was a little bit out of patience in that moment. You can just see them being like, oh, and settling down. And that's so gratifying. That's clear that it's working when you see that. That's right. That's what you want to have. Your kids feel safe and that they know that mom and dad aren't perfect. We don't claim to be, but we're doing our best. The other thing I liked about that conversation with Dr. Wu was the idea of banking patience for your partner, because that could be the hardest thing to do as well. And seeing when your partner maybe isn't as patient and saying, you know what? You go take a minute. I've got this. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes we all need to do that. That's the benefit of when you have somebody on your team, you're all on the same team and how can we help each other out? That's right. Like you and I. Exactly. We're all on the same team. Same team. Lynn, I want to take a look at some things in our life as parents that can really deplete our patience. So I did a little research. I have a stat for you. The number one cause for loss of patience is, drum roll, fatigue, being tired. And because that exhaustion leads to parental burnout, something that 66% of parents are feeling right now. So that's a lot. That's two thirds. So I hope some of the stuff we talked about with Dr. Wu can help ease that burnout and we can really have our patience back. Okay. Justin, speaking of something that tests our patience, what do you know about lactation? Oh, very little. Almost nothing. Well, don't worry. I know a lot about it after two kids and it's why I love Munchkin milk makers. So Munchkin has a bunch of products to support moms in all areas of lactation from snacks and drink mixes, supporting milk supply to feeding accessories like nursing covers and that feeding pillow. So if you want one, click on the link in the show description to see it for yourself. And don't forget to check out, we have these best-selling lactation cookie bites now in the flavor Lemon Bliss. Plus, you get a discount if you use the code STROLLERCOASTER. Wow. You do know a lot about that. Can I eat those cookies? Absolutely. My husband did that when I was nursing, he's like, wait, can I have one of those? I was like, yes, they're good for everyone. We've talked a lot about patience, but there's nothing like hearing about a parent that's just going about their regular day and getting that patience tested. Here's our correspondent, Fleece, with the parenting story of the day. Alana Smith is a mother of two living in Shelby County, Alabama. Well, I have two boys, nine and four. So my patience is tested every day for sure. And I can particularly remember a time when my oldest son was about two and my car battery was acting up. I definitely don't want to be stranded on the side of the road alone, much less with a toddler. So I figured we'll just go in and get it fixed. Take my toddler into our auto parts store. I know that I don't want to wait because toddlers, they just don't wait. Well, two-year-olds want to go and they want to run, but I decided to press on. While Alana waits in line at the counter, something catches her son's eye. So I sat my son down and he makes a beeline for these blue paper towels. And these are fancy paper towels and they are obviously the most amazing thing he has ever seen. So he starts to take them down off of this blue paper towel pyramid and one by one dismantle them and to totally disrupt the store. So I tell him, okay, you've got to, you know, we can't make a mess, let's just come stand by mom. It's going to be really quick. We're going to be good. Alana's tactic worked for a second until her son found something even more amazing. At this point, my son is now taking the glass cleaner bottles and lining them up, you know, choo-choo train style. It would be cute at home, but it's not cute in the auto parts store. So I get to the counter and the guy's 19, maybe 20, and I can tell he doesn't have children and he's in no space to deal with me or my toddler shenanigans. So I tell him, hold on, excuse me, I'm so sorry. So I go, you know, again, back to my son and I'm like, okay, come over here with me. Try to clean up a little bit, but I get back in line because now someone else has come in the store. So I can feel my blood pressure starting to go up and I can feel the judgment from the lady that's now behind me. Why can't you get control of your child? I'm sure is what she's thinking. At this stage of the situation, with all eyes on her, Alana's fight or flight instincts are starting to kick in. So I get back to the counter and I finally tell the guy, I'm like, okay, I'm so sorry. I'm going to get my son and then we're going to get out of your hair. So I go scoop up my son and say, okay, it's time to go. But you know, two year olds don't want to go. They want to do whatever they want to do. So he goes completely limp noodle. So you're just really off the rails at this point. And I just tell the guy, I got to pay, we got to go. And so I can't even get my money out because my child is in one arm and then my money is in the other. And so I finally just tell him, I said, we're going to have to come back. And so I carry out my child like a sack of potatoes and we get outside and I'm sweating and I'm just so aggravated at myself that I didn't have control of this. And my child that he's not listening. I'm just at the end of my rope and my patience is completely gone. Like I'm no longer the calm, chill mom that I was 10 minutes ago. Like I'm off the rails at this point. So I put him in the car, buckle him up and I get in. I think for a second, if this car, it doesn't crank. I am going to just crawl in a hole and die if I have to go back and talk to the guy behind the counter. Would Alana's car start allowing her to make a clean getaway? So I said a prayer and press the button and it did crank. Thank goodness. So on the ride home, of course, I'm still frustrated and trying to take deep breaths. And my son's back there just singing a song and I'm totally oblivious to the fact that I've just like totally went to the edge. These two, he doesn't have any concept of kind of what I'm dealing with and I can't really expect him to. But I just had to get my own self together and take some deep breaths and get home. And so, you know, I finally get home and, you know, here's the real kicker. That being the independent woman I am, I sent my husband to go do it. An experience like this can leave you feeling bad. That's why it's important to give yourself some grace. Think about that day a lot. I think something just as simple as trying to get your battery changed, you know, with a kid, it's just it was difficult and it's stressful. We're not perfect. We're humans. And I think it's OK for kids to see that, that parents, they get upset too. But as long as you reign it back in, you apologize, you regroup and then you just show them how to kind of control their emotions because it's hard and it's hard to do all the things and especially being interrupted and to maintain your patience. I think it's a hard thing, but I think that's something we do as parents and we just learn from it and try to do better each day. Justin, I feel like I have been in this exact situation so many times, and it's especially in that toddler stage where you feel like people are staring at you and they're just like, oh, of course, your kid's melting down and you have no control over it. And it just almost makes it so that you have less and less patience because you're being so self-conscious. Definitely. And it's like almost the simpler the task, like Alana's story of going to go to the auto parts store just feels like I normally just pop in and get it done. That adds to it. Then it becomes this like perfect storm of like, I just need to do this one thing is spinning out of control. Everyone here is looking at me and pretty soon all you want to do is escape. Just like run out of there. That whole popping in and just getting something done kind of goes by the wayside as a parent, but that's why it's so important and helpful to have ways that we can cope with this. Yeah. It takes a while to learn the lesson like, oh, nothing is simple anymore when you're a new parent. And like you're saying, when they're babies, you could still do sort of half of those things, but when then you hit that toddler phase and then it sort of changes the whole game. We did it. This was such a great conversation on this topic. I need more of this in my life. The reminder of how to cope when I'm losing my patients. So if you have a topic that you want to hear more about or you have questions, reach out to us at podcastatmunchkin.com. Thank you so much to Dr. Jenny Wu for your expertise and Alana Smith for sharing your story. And thank you to Munchkin, creators of this podcast. And you can find all of your favorite Munchkin products at munchkin.com. And a reminder to check out Stroller Poster Storytime. It's our storytelling podcast right here in the same feed. It's for kids and parents. It's got improv actors, funny sounds, great stories. And the first episode of our brand new season just dropped. It's called The Story of Two Brothers and Only One Elevator Button. It's super fun and maybe applicable to you out there. Anybody have kids that fight over the elevator button? I certainly do. Every single time. One thing you may not know is that Munchkin's Wild Love product line was created to educate kids on at-risk animal species and support the International Fund for Animal Welfare. So when you support Munchkin, you support our wildlife. It's really cool, these products. My whole family is wild for wild love. I've got a giraffe cup right on my counter right now. And Munchkin cares about us parents too, which is why we have our moment of calm for you. It's a time to regroup from your wild parenting day. So today, let's go to the Florida Everglades. Home to sunshine and those sweet-faced manatees. Allow yourself to slow down. You certainly deserve it. Take a breath and relax by a river of fresh water. Enjoy.