This is Why You You Shouldn't Marry Young - ⁨Rachel Williams Stand Up⁩ - New York Comedy Club

How are we feeling? Are you ready for more comedy? You guys really rip. Alright, I like this next comic. She's got a special out on Don't Tell. Start clapping those hands right now for Miss Rachel Williams! Fabulous. I love it. I'm having a good day. I'm already laughing. I love it. Interesting. Well, you could tell I was being sarcastic. It's just because I'm on a lot of Wilbutrin. It's an antidepressant that makes me very monotone. So it sounds like I'm lying. Um, hello. You look pleasant. So, um, I'm having a pretty good I don't know. It's a good time in my life right now. I recently became an aunt. I became an aunt. Thank you. I worked really hard. And it's pretty great. Yeah, my sister had a baby with her wife. No sex. We just prayed. And she woke up pregnant is what we tell my dad. And it's really funny actually. My sister dated men for her whole life and then met this wonderful woman and fell in love. And I love the gays. I was all for it. I was like, yeah, yeah. My parents, liberal as hell, struggled. They did. Which was the greatest joy of my life to watch. The greatest. Because they talked big game growing up. Big game. Love is love. Love is love. And then my sister was like, meet Tina. And my dad was like, not like that. Not like, I don't like that. No, I don't. I love a sprinkler laugh so much. Those ones are just wow. It's kind of wild, man. It is. Now you won't unhear it. You're going to hear it the rest of the show. You're welcome. I have a dog. This is my peak. I'll tell you that right now. I do. I love having a dog. Do you have any dogs? No? Okay. No dogs for you? You do? What kind of doggy do you have? Shih Tzu. Woo hoo. Did you rescue? No, me neither. I know. We're not in a safe space. You need to know that. We need to go to middle America for that one. Yeah, New York is not a safe space to buy a dog. I know that. I know I'm a bad person for doing it. I just, I don't know. I want an English Bulldog. I wasn't aware of how bad that was. But, you know, listen. I'm aware. I live in Brooklyn. Sometimes in my area it feels like all the girls are competing to see who can have the most fucked up dog. And honestly, they're all winning. I don't know. I just walk my dog and there'll be a girl that's like, is that a rescue? Are you a piece of ---- or did you rescue your dog? And I'm like, look at him. And he's like, ha, ha. I'm like, I rescue him every morning with a CPAP machine. I promise you, I'm doing the Lord's work here. Yeah. Um, yeah, it's just me, my dog and my husband at home. I am married to a wonderful man that recently got into golf, so it's over for us. No, honestly, though, I think wives would hate golf a lot less if they saw tape of their husbands playing. Him being gone for 23 hours every Sunday wouldn't be a problem if you got to see him shank the ball 40 yards into the woods and then yell at himself in the third person. Just watch him and be like, that's great, Steve. That's just great. Why don't you chop one of your balls off and see if you can hit that down the railway. Maybe your father would love you then. I hated golf and then I went with him one time and I was like, this is an incredible sport. All while wearing a khaki and polo. This is great. Yeah, we've been through a lot. We went through a rough patch two years ago. We almost called it quits. We were looking into a divorce and then we looked into what it would take to get a divorce and we said, let's see if this blows over. And thankfully it did. We did couples therapy. I loved it because I won every time. Yeah, that's all couples therapy is. It's just arguing in front of a ref and every session they were like, point wife! And I was like, **** you, dude, that's me. I was a team player. I was. I'd say, good game. You'll get them next time. It's weird, dude. It's like so cliche. You'll be arguing in front of this auditor and they'll just be like, use I statements, not you statements. And then my husband's like, cool. I feel like she's a ******* psychopath. I got married really young. I'm from Long Island. Anyone else? Hey. I love my people. I do. Did you get married young? Anyone that wooed? No? Oh, okay. Oh my god. Look at us progressing. How old are you? You're 25. Late, late for Long Island. That's how I was raised. Oh my god, good. Stay the course, girl. The family I was raised in, if you're not married by 25, grandparents start being like, you should date Greg. And Greg's a full-fledged open homosexual, okay? And then you point that out and they're like, you're picky. And then you date Greg. But it was weird. So when I would try and vent to my girlfriends, none of them are married. So they would just be like, just leave him. I don't know what the problem is. My guy friends were thoughtful. I was surprised. They would say nice things to me like, are you okay? Do you need any sex? You've got who you want to talk to. You guys are fun. So fun. I do love therapy. I love self-help. I hate saying it out loud but it's the truth. Here's the thing, if you have any self-hate, self-help makes you hate yourself more. Do you know what I'm saying? Can we discuss affirmations? Those don't work. Because there's an inner critic in your head that's like, shut the **** up. Do you know what I'm saying? Just before this show, I'm like, shoulders back, I am enough. And I hear that little voice like, I am enough. Forget it. Forget it. Never mind. Sucks. Yeah. Who just said that's funny? You? I feel like the way you said that's funny was like, that's the first thing I found funny. She went, that's funny. That subtext was, that's the first time I've laughed at you this whole time. And that's okay. Where are you from? Brooklyn. Cool, cool. Are you married? Nice. How long? 29 years. My God. That's incredible. He makes it every year. I get exactly what you're saying. Dude, do you ever like, this is something I do, you ever look at him, you don't say it out loud, but you think in your head like, damn, I would never put up with my bullshit. Like if the tables were turned, I would never. But then you look at him and you're like, you're so lucky to have me. Sorry guys, I'm so sorry. I'm the group in the back. I feel like it's a lot of men. I feel testosterone pumping towards me. I see a vest. Someone's in finance. Are you in finance? Vest boy? No. What do you do? Sales for tech. All right. Yeah, **** yeah, dude. Let's laugh, yeah. This crowd's great, dude. I could say it and you guys are like, yeah. Sales for tech, do you like it? Okay, cool. Is that your lady next to you? No. Okay. Are you in a relationship? I'm married, yeah. Oh, okay. They're not here? Spring break. That's wild. I'm in therapy. Are you in therapy, vest? No. I am in therapy. I love my new therapist. I got a new one. She's great. She's older and more depressed than me. That's what you want. You know how they say helping people helps you? Sometimes I don't even know who this session is for. I have to be honest. Dude, she's always stressed. She's like, where the **** is my pen? I'm like, I don't know, dude. I had to let go of my last therapist because she was a Gen Z girl filled with hope. I love a Gen Z girly. I'm not here to hate on you ladies. I just couldn't have a girl younger than me doing better than me in life. It's good. You guys shouldn't have the life beat out of you yet. But every session she'd be like, hi. Every session she'd be like, what's been bothering you this week? It's like, you. You, honestly. You know what I love about Gen Z girlies? At least what I see in my friends in the city, you guys don't put up with nothing. Millennial girls, at least my crew, we put up with a lot when it came to dating. Millennial church, okay. These fuckboys. But Gen Z girls, you guys will leave a guy after getting turned off once. You'll be like, I got the ick. Man, you know how many icks I've powered through in my lifetime? Dude, on the first date with my husband, I watched him spray cologne in the air and walk through it. Bro, I was in the other room like, huh? No, he's nice. He's a nice man. I can do this. So that's why I'm here to say, push through. Because it's worth it. No, but it's funny, it is. Because, I don't know, you'll be hitting it off. It's so empowering to see. Because you'll be hitting it off with a guy and then you'll just ghost him and be like, I don't know. I just saw him running with a backpack on. He looked a little weird. He did. I'm in my 30s, though. Which is why I am the way that I am. I feel like with each passing decade, a woman gets a little bit more... cunty. With pride. Not like trying to hide that. Even the way a girl says her name I think shows her age. I was talking to you before. What's your name? Sorry, what? Oh, no, no, it's okay. I'm cross-eyed, it looks like. No, Maddie, you don't count. You sound like you've been through some ----. I'm Sophia. Sophia? Okay, Sophia seems a little down, too. Usually, though, it's like, Sophia? Usually it goes up, it's very melodic. I used to be like, Rachel? Hi, I'm Rachel. And now I'm like, I'm Rachel! Why didn't you hear me? I do like 30s, though. I do, it's fun. Sometimes I feel older than I am. There's certain things that I feel like a boomer lady. I went into Verizon the other day. First of all, Verizon, what the ****? What happened, dude? We all went back to, like, sticks and stones. We were like, do we make a fire? I don't know what to do. My God, that was insane. It also showed me how addicted... You remember how you felt after COVID when you first left the house? And it was like, do we just talk to each other? That's how that felt. I was like, I don't know what to do without my phone. Anyway, I went into Verizon the other day to get a new phone. And the first thing the lady said to me was, what's your Apple ID and password? I was like, bitch, I'd rather start a new life than hunt that combo down. I have no idea. If I did, I wouldn't be getting charged $2.99 16 times a month for some cloud that the former Steve Jobs only has access to. It's in the cloud. I do, I feel old in those senses. I just have no patience. If an app logs me out, I'm like, it's dead. I don't care. Hulu logged me out two years ago and on that day I was like, I guess I'll never know how Haymaid's Tale ends. And that's okay. That's alright. Oh, I have to go. You guys are so much fun. Do you guys live in like a small apartment, big apartment? What do we got going on? Oh, ----. I feel like I'm not even worthy of speaking to you right now. That was like queen. She was like, I have a home. I get jealous of people in homes when I argue with my husband because I don't get to go to another level if I want to. I don't even have a second bedroom. My second bedroom is my hood. You get me? I'm like, don't talk to me. And I put my hood up. We did get an upgrade. We used to live in a studio and everything was separated by curtains. That's humbling. That's humbling to not have a door to slam in someone's face. To shower curtain someone out of your life. To be like, I need some space. Click, click, click. That's ******* insane, dude. I have to go. You guys have been so much fun. Thanks, darling. I got back on Adderall. Thank you. Thank you for your support. I love it. I do. I was hoping not to go back on it because I was put on it when I was really young. I was seven years old. It's okay. I judged my mom, too, but I couldn't read and I bit my teacher. Good job. Thank you for laughing at that. When people don't laugh at that, I'm like, are you out of your mind? How funny is that? That I bit my teacher and they were like, don't bring her back until she's on meth. Or you can homeschool her. And my mom's like, well, I don't want to get bit. So here we are. I have to go. Y'all were fun. Thank you.