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Hi, I'm Jason Nash, and this is my dating profile.
You're probably a woman, at home, watching this,
looking for love.
You're at the same point as me.
I need somebody, it's lonely out there.
Help, help, call the coast guard,
cause my genitals are dry.
Basically, I'm looking for a kind lady,
someone anywhere from the age of 18 to 67.
Let me tell you about myself.
I love television.
I love sleeping 14 hours a day.
Cleaning without hurting my back, that's new.
What else can I tell you?
I've never been bitten by a shark.
When I date someone, I really get into them,
and I lose myself completely.
I'll just be a shell of my former self.
This is gonna be all about you.
Things I look for in a girl?
A pulse.
Here's an example of the kind of guy I am.
I was on a date, and a mugger approached the lady
that I was with, tried to grab her bag.
Demonstrate what I did.
Jab, like that.
And it was like that, and he's down on the ground.
Then I stood over him, and I went like this.
How's that taste?
And his mouth was open, so I went right in his mouth.
If you don't believe what I've been saying
for the last hour and 15 minutes,
then hear it from my friends.
Check this beefcake out.
This is my roommate, Todd, and he can attest
to some of the beautiful ladies
that I've been on dates with in the past six months.
You haven't been on any dates?
I've had a couple.
We're roommates.
You don't see them.
He has two kids?
Forgetting, yeah.
That's great.
Yeah?
If you like kids, the good thing about Jason,
like the top of the notch, like amazing thing about Jason,
he's so available.
And I can find you.
And he can find you.
You know what?
Sometimes you don't even have to call the guy.
Sometimes he'll just show up at your house.
Things about Jason that are good.
He's alive.
Here's one.
I have a full head of hair.
And an awful body.
So just say a couple things to say nice things.
You should've told me beforehand,
so I could've read out the list.
Are you guys gonna edit this?
Only because you called me to bail you out of jail,
but that was it.
I was making a political statement about that,
and I had chained myself to the Taco Bell.
I was only screaming when I was forcibly removed.
Okay?
Guys, can you think of some stuff that he can say?
Something, stuff about me?
Just met you.
Okay, sit down.
They're right, they don't know.
I've known you for four years,
and I can't think of things.
You will never find love, ever.
Yeah, I'm gonna leave.
And I guess I'll just see you later.
And oh, and also, one thing.
Not your best friend, so.
Well, that's the video.
Hit me up.
Hey, I know one thing.
I'm not as down as that guy,
so you could be dating that.
Instead, you could have me.
Definitely hit me up.
I'm on all social platforms.
Bye-bye.
